What's reasonable here?

[hotstepper4]

Last week, myself and dh went to a fete with our 4 dc - my ds7 and his dc, my dss8, dss5 and dsd10.

Dsd wanted to go on the bouncy castle, so she took off the charm bracelet she was wearing, and gave it to dh to hold on to. He put it in his fleece pocket.

Later, there was a sudden downpour of rain. Torrential and totally unexpected. All the dc were only wearing t shirts, dh hurriedly took his hoody off and put it on dss5. We were then running across a field to get shelter.

When we got home, dh took his hoody off dss5, and we realised that the charm bracelet was missing. We think it must have fallen out of the pocket when dss5 was running.

Dh exw has gone mental, apparently the bracelet was a Pandora one and is worth 500.00. We had no idea.

She is demanding we replace it. We don't have that kind of money. Dh thinks she shouldn't have allowed dsd to wear such an expensive bracelet to begin with.

Who is being u?

I definitely wouldn't give her the money for it. If you or he feels absolutely obliged to replace it, buy it yourselves and keep the receipt. It seems like the Ex was setting you up to fail by sending her out wearing it in the first place and not, at the very least, mentioning its value. I wonder if said Ex would have allowed her daughter to wear it under the same circumstances.

Agree with BigBlueBubble I'd be very suspicious of the claim that this bracelet cost 500 quid. Have a look online at the prices of Pandora bracelets most expensive is 245 quid including charms, unless it's got a lot of extra ones on. Maybe someone is exaggerating the cost.

I considered this once - it seems such a nice thing to do - but I know my kids and don't buy what I can't afford to lose so DD had a cheap link charm bracelet instead.

I think reasonable here = A genuine replacement bracelet with at least one replacement charm: the first her Mum bought for her if DD remembers or let DD choose a new one and start afresh.
(if DD still interested, mine grew out of it and handed it down).

I would ask Sam for receipts then claim on insurance (though she may be reluctant as I suspect this will show it was a lot less than £500). 2nd hand charms can be bought cheaply on eBay so you should be able to replace for a very reasonable cost.

Hmm. I think a lot depends on the relationships between you, your H and the mum. Do you think that his XW is a chancer, and is trying to gouge money out of you for a bracelet that actually isn't worth that much? Or are you aware that your H is the sort who is careless with other people's stuff in general, but you're used to it?

Also, did the bracelet belong to the DD, or was it her mum's and she had 'borrowed' it for the weekend? Whether or not you like Pandora bracelets (I think they are overpriced, generic chavvy shit myself) it's a bit startling that a 10-year-old girl would have £500 worth of bracelet and be allowed to wear it to go to the fair.

I can believe it is worth that much if mum and other relatives have been buying the genuine article for birthdays/Xmas but am amazed you were not informed.
Special offer on German site is 99 euros for a bangle and 2 charms (build your own bangle) but I cannot see the equivalent offer in the UK
de.pandora.net/de/armband-promotion/?icid=e%3ABraceletActivationLP

pandoragroup.com/Products/Brand-protection/identifying-authentic-PANDORA-product

As for ebay and the like, if I were the ex wife, I'd rather you replaced smaller but genuine rather than cheaper but tat, as I expect most of them on ebay and amazon will be.

Her father is responsible for losing her bracelet and should replace it. I would suggest taking the daughter to Pandora and replacing the bracelet and a couple of charms. Perhaps then on her birthday/ Christmas you could get her an extra charm along with her normal gift to add to it.

Also..who on Earth keeps receipts from Xmas/birthday from years gone by?!! Hail to you if you do but mine go in the bin January!

Tough call. dM shouldn't have sent her over to yours without letting you know she was wearing such an expensive item, but equally your DH should have taken better care of it. If DM can provide some receipts proving cost I'd accept her valuation, but I have a Pandora with loads of charms and lots are from the half price sale and some aren't genuine so nowhere near £500 and mine is nearly full; I assume hers would be a very small size so fewer charms as well. If she can provide pics or receipts you can probably replace the charms from outlet/eBay etc, but I'd maybe offer to split the replacement costs rather than pay to replace the full lot. Does DSD have lots of expensive stuff she regularly brings to yours, or is this unusual? I'd take DMs valuation with a pinch of salt.

I don’t understand why people are questioning why her mother would send her to you and DH with such an expensive item, if she can manage to prevent herself and your DSD losing it why shouldn’t her dad be able to? The fact that she removed it and asked your DH to look at it should have given some indication of its importance as most children of that age probably wouldn’t have even though to take it off.

£500 are you sure? There would have had to have been a lot of charms to get even close to that.

If you're young enough to want to go on a bouncy castle you shouldn't be wearing 'grown-up' jewellery.

Iv just added up how much my Pandora is worth and it's £640 so it is totally possible it was worth £500.

It was your DH's fault, she asked him to look after it and he didn't. Yes accidentally but HE still lost it.

I wouldn't be giving the exW the money but I would get the pandora catalogue ask DsD to circle the charms she had and over time (as affordable) replace the bracelet and charms.

On the face of it, DSD gave it to your DH for safekeeping and DH failed to keep it safe, therefore he is responsible for its loss. However, if you don't have £500 laying around then I agree with the idea of buying her a replacement bracelet and a couple of charms and adding to it as time goes on. I'd definitely want to see some kind of evidence of the charms that were on it before agreeing to replace the whole lot.

I can’t see any way in which your DH is not wholly responsible for this! I’m surprised that DSD is not more upset to be honest.
A value of £500 is entirely reasonable if it was genuine Pandora, you say she had about 10 charms, they probably average around £40 each plus the bracelet itself would make £500 about right. I would assume the charms have been gifts over time and have sentimental meaning too - my DSIS and a couple of friends have them and people buy them charms to mark occasions such as birthday, Christmas, being a bridesmaid, a big achievement etc. They also treat themselves to relevant ones when travelling so they all have a meaning as well as a price. They’d be heartbroken to have someone they trusted lose it.
I doubt the mum let you know how expensive it was as a) it had accumulated over time so until it was lost and she realised how expensive it was to replace every charm in one go she hadn’t actually added it up. B) DSD knew it was valuable and took good care of it herself - hence giving it to her DF to look after.
Please don’t replace it with cheap, irrelevant fake eBay tat! There is a small chance that it was covered for loss outside the home on her mums insurance but it’s by no means certain plus she’d have to pay the excess and increased premiums. Otherwise I’m afraid you need to gradually (if you can’t afford it in one go) replace it piece by piece as accurately as possible based on any photos she has of it - since I imagine much of it was gifts there won’t be receipts.

Your DH lost it, and so is responsible for replacing it. He is the only person at fault here.

If he cannot afford to replace it all in one go,he should buy the bangle and a couple of charms, and replace the rest of the charms as soon as he has the money - but it should be a priority. Or perhaps sell something of his own (if he has something non essential of value - e.g console/expensive phone) to replace it.

I wouldn't give DSD/ExW cash - I'd replace the actual bangle and charms.

DSD was very responsible in giving the bracelet to Dad to look after, what a shame her dad wasn't responsible enough to look after it properly.

Who lets a child wear £500 worth of jewellery ?! Maybe on a special occasion under parental supervision who is aware of the value. Not on a day to day thing

Your DH took responsibility for the bracelet so should have looked after it properly. This statement is true no matter what the cost of the bracelet is. He needs to replace it.

And of course pandora can be over £500, just because you can find knock off charms on eBay and Amazon doesn’t make the girls mum a liar.

Unfortunately it is your husbands responsibility as he was the adult put incharge of it.
I would ask how old the bracelet is - that will let you know if it was all bought at once or gifts over a few years. If it's recent you can ask if her mum has a receipt so you can use it on your insurance.

Maybe get your partner to sit DSD down and ask her to describe the charms and go through the pandora website and pick them out. You can then say you'll look at replacing them but you can't afford it all in one go so you'll being doing over time.

If she can pick and describe in clear detail you know it's important to her if she doesn't want to bother telling you then you can offer to just buy her a new bracelet she likes.

Or ask her mum if she knows exactly what's on the bracelet so you can buy them over time when you can afford it. Shows willingness to fix your mistake.

I would have thought that both OP and DH might have had some idea of the value of the bracelet if it was important to the DSD. I get the idea of those charms being things you get given for birthdays or special occasions, so I would have thought both the H and the OP might have at some point been asked to buy a charm for the DD.
But, also, Pandora stuff looks like something you'd get from Claire's Accessories to someone who isn't particularly interested in the brand. The kid probably took it off because a lot of bouncy castles, etc, have a sign asking that jewellery is removed (along with shoes and specs) - it's about the safety hazards of wearing any jewellery, whether that's your mother's diamond earrings or the free plastic pendant you got with your comic that week, so that wouldn't necessarily have tipped the H off to the effect that it was a valuable item. He clearly didn't know it was expensive when he shoved it in his pocket, and that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.

And if he and OP haven't got £500 spare then they haven't got it.

He lost something that belonged to his dd when she asked him to mind it for her. He needs to replace it. End of.

Next time she comes, he needs to sit with her and a get a list of all the charms she had. He can then arrange to replace the bracelet and the charms. No money needs passing to EW.

There is no way any man should be expected to know the cost of pandora bracelets and no-one should expect another person to unknowingly look after something worth several hundred pounds.
Either DH should buy a cheap costume charm bracelet (because as far as he could reasonably know thats all it was) or he should give his ex 10-15 pounds towards a proper replacement.
It would be a bit like someone asking you to look after a rare £1 coin that is worth £500 without telling you it had any special value and then expecting to be given £500 when you spend that particular coin and give them back what you believe to be an identical coin.

Also remember that most of the posters who are actually suggesting giving the ex £500 or spending that sum on a replacement are probably men and step mum hating single mums who believe there exes should give them enough in child maintenance so they don't have to work and should provide whatever childcare they want but with the expectation that the mother can ask for the child back at a moments notice at any time and the ex doing anything that isn't exactly what they want is abusive, controlling and neglecting the children.

It was an accident - accidents happen. My DH once asked his dad to look after his wedding ring while we were doing a water sports activity as he'd lost some the weight, the ring was loose and he was worried about losing it. As it was, in the 15 minutes FIL had the ring, he managed to lose it - on a beach and it couldn't be found.

We didn't kick off, or demand that FIL replace it, he didn't do it deliberately. We just claimed on our house insurance and ring was replaced. I would suggest that you/your DH should do the same and see whether the bracelet is covered.