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Original poster

Can’t believe what a cf my colleague is!!!!

338 replies

LondonElle · 28/08/2018 14:21

Long story short, I have a work colleague with four children who was struggling to make ends meet, I recently upgraded my 7 seater vehicle and after seeing her struggling to get her kids to school in the rain on bikes and on foot I decided to gift her the car instead of selling it ( car wasn’t worth loads but I estimate I would have got about £500/ £1000 for it )
So she’s thrilled and happily uses the car to do her shopping/ school runs etc
6 weeks later she invites me around for a bbq... I see the car isn’t in the driveway so ask about it and she tells me they have sold it to buy a top of the range bbq and to book a weekend break!!! I was speechless and still am!!!! I know there’s nothing I can do but I’m shocked how cheeky she is and I’m not too keen to maintain this friendship any further..... I think she could tell by my face I wasn’t very impressed...!! Do I say something?!

OP posts:
delphguelph · 29/08/2018 02:03

In my experience those who plead poverty aren’t that hard up . Those who are too proud to ask are the ones who need it

^^

Yup.

To the extent that nowadays I just don't believe people. Too many cfs around these days.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 02:52

Wow how kind of you op, yes I would be majorly pissed off in yiur position. As it was a very big item, if she could not afford to run it, she shoukd have asked you if yiu wanted it back. That is tge decent thing to do.

TwoBlueShoes · 29/08/2018 02:53

I'd be upset too. That was such a kind and generous thing you did and she just wasted that money.

At least you know now. Don't help her out ever again.

questionzzz · 29/08/2018 03:08

I don't know if that's the case here or not, but it's pretty well-documented that "poor people" spend money in ways which middle-class folks consider unwise or inappropriate, following a different kind of class logic or cultural values etc.
talkingpointsmemo.com/cafe/why-do-poor-people-waste-money-on-luxury-goods

There's also a lot of interest in the psychology of "The Gift". Let's face it, a gift of a car, no matter how run down, is pretty spectacular- as evidenced by the expressions of surprise here. It's simply not done for a colleague to gift a car to another colleague, no matter how many children they have struggling in the snow. In fact, it is quite unusual. Cars are usually gifted between family members (eg father to son), and in our car-mad society, are powerful emotional and status symbols. Of course, OP and her "CF" colleague may not be consciously thinking of these things in acting as they did, nevertheless, I do think that OP transgressed the norms of collegiality in gifting a car (how does this look in staffroom conversations? What if the schoolkids find out Miss R gave Miss P. a car because Miss P. was too poor? How does this reflect on Miss P.'s kids?) and so the colleague reacted in this "CF" way. I'm not saying ether was right or wrong, just that they were locked in an unhealthy social situation.

Monty27 · 29/08/2018 03:19

OP It was a lovely gesture. However I think you made assumptions that they were in need.
I did a similar thing once and realised that just because this woman had five children and didn't drive....
Then I was invited to a party at her house. It was spectacularly beautiful tasteful and huge.
It was a good learning curve. We are still friends now and I have been to many parties there since. Because she is a beautiful person.

TwoBlueShoes · 29/08/2018 03:24

The worst thing is, I bet all winter the colleague will be whining non-stop about the walk to school while the BBQ is sitting in the shed gathering dust. I have no idea how the OP will cope with listening to this without actually throttling the woman.

I totally get how the woman would have justified it to herself, but anyone with an ounce of sense would not have been so reckless.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 03:28

If she did not need the car, she should have said, no thank yiu, that is really kind but no. It was very generous of op.

Groovee · 29/08/2018 03:32

If she whinges in the pouring rain about how they had to walk to school, I'd be struggling not to say something about, how the bbq could keep them warm or something.

Kokeshi123 · 29/08/2018 04:06

It's simply not done for a colleague to gift a car to another colleague, no matter how many children they have struggling in the snow. In fact, it is quite unusual. Cars are usually gifted between family members (eg father to son), and in our car-mad society, are powerful emotional and status symbols. Of course, OP and her "CF" colleague may not be consciously thinking of these things in acting as they did, nevertheless, I do think that OP transgressed the norms of collegiality in gifting a car I'm not saying ether was right or wrong, just that they were locked in an unhealthy social situation.

???

If the colleague didn't want the car or felt insulted by the offer, why didn't she just say "no, thank you?"

I'm pretty sure that the OP didn't just dump the car unexpectedly at the colleague's front door with a ribbon tied round it.

Doghorsechicken · 29/08/2018 04:41

I’d tell her you want the money back. Some people will always be skint because they are so appalling with money. Even when people are so generous. It’s the entitled culture we live in unfortunately!

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 05:35

@questionzzz @monty27 OP has already explained how CF was dropping hints re the car and whining about how they were struggling to make ends meet money wise.

I think a theatrical eye roll and "oh not this bullshit again" next time she pleads poverty is in order. If she actually has the audacity to do so, which I'm sure she will.

OnePotato2Potato · 29/08/2018 05:42

I lnow, I know, that once you have gifted something then it's upto the receiver to do what they want with it... although i struggle with this idea but in your case OP I would consider your colleague's behaviour to be ridiculous and I would be extremely peed off.

Like others have said you have done a v3ry very kind thing and should be happy with yourself. If colleague does whinge in winter you know to ignore!

BrewDoggy · 29/08/2018 07:15

Next time she whines about walking to school tell her to ride her BBQ.

longwayoff · 29/08/2018 07:25

My sister "son is moving out. I need to get rid of his, bed, annoying, its only 3 months old.. £500 down the drain."

Me "? Sell it?"
Sis "No, he's slept on it"
Me "Tip?"
Sis "No too good to throw away"
Hmm. "Freecycle?"
Sis "Maybe. But it's nearly new. Someone might take it and sell it"
Hmm ???? Middle class dilemma

FilthyforFirth · 29/08/2018 07:37

YANBU. Can't believe some people are defending her! It is entirely obvious why she is struggling with money as she clearly doesn't know how to prioritise.

I would be backing away from the friendship and I would definitely, definitely say something!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 07:55

This is op work colleague, not neighbour or fellow school mum friend. So she must have been moaning at work about her financial situation and lack of car, for op to know what's going on in her life. Yes next time she moans, tell her to use her new BBQ to get the kids to school, as you already gifted a cR which she sold, so colleagues know what a cf she is.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 07:56

Next time she whines about walking to school tell her to ride her BBQ.

GrinGrinGrin

Pinkyyy · 29/08/2018 08:05

OP would you like a fancy BBQ? I'd be going round saying I've come to collect my new BBQ!!

KC225 · 29/08/2018 08:07

Brewdoggy has it.

What a bloody cheek. Selling something for profit when it has been gifted to help out is bad manners and bad form.

Nobody needs a BBQ. Nobody needs a weekend away. She is an idiot. You would not have funded either had she been hinting.

Definitely say something.

lucieloops88 · 29/08/2018 08:17

Wow! I would be furious! Well done on doing such a nice deed in the first place thoughHalo

LeftRightCentre · 29/08/2018 08:20

She is a CF of the highest order. Lesson learned, ignore hinty people, they are almost always pisstakers.

FeedingGiraffes · 29/08/2018 08:37

I had a sort of similar experience. A friend had a baby and organised a baby shower. Rather than buy a lot of individual gifts - one of us asked her if there was anything significant she wanted and we would group together and buy it. She identified a specific item. We all put a good amount of money in and bought it for her. Felt happy she was getting something she genuinely wanted and needed for the baby. Shortly after one of us saw it for sale on a local FB page for a significant discount.

This was nowhere near as bad but it didn't sit well with me. Felt a bit cheated.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 08:43

Oh my goodness FeedingG that is very rude, I would not be buying for her again in case it ends up on Facebook selling site.

senmumoftom · 29/08/2018 08:53

Well, I would be telling that story to anyone who would listen............particularly at work ! ( You say shes a work collegue ?)

" You know my 7 seater ? You know X was conintually whining about not having a car big enough for all those kids ? I only GAVE my 7 seater to her and the cheeky bitch claimed she was thrilled......went round and she tells me shes only sold it and bought a top of the range BBQ and a weekend away ! " Everyone you work with will think shes a cow.

I'm afraid I would be going round and having a REAL conversation with her. I would have to otherwise I'd explode everytime I saw her. Be very cold, say you knew you had a car worth X but you THOUGHT because this woman had been constantly saying so, that she needed and would be grateful for this car. IF, you had known she would have sold it and not wanted it.....YOU WOULD HAVE SOLD IT YOURSELF and benefited from the cash. Tell her that, ethically , she should give YOU that cash , as if she hadn't wanted it in the first place she shouldn't have taken it, and if she later decided she didn't want it, SHE SHOULD HAVE RETURNED IT.

Yes, that will be a difficult conversation but its not like shes you best friend is it, shes a user and a cow. No way could I leave it unsaid and no way would I not tell THE ENTIRE WORLD what she had done.

nellyolsenscurl · 29/08/2018 08:54

I work in a pastoral role and often see families who "can't afford food for the dc". Initially I was very quick to try to rustle up £50 here or there as the thought of my children hungry is enough to break me out in a co!d sweat, but very quickly I learned that the ones who cry loudest are the ones who take the money and spend it on highlights/new wallpaper/bigger plasma tv. It is so sad though as their dc come to school with no breakfast, no break snack and they have gone to bed the night before with no meal either. They are tired and lethargic and when you mention this it i s because "we can't afford to feed them". It really angers me.