Page 7 | To think that ghosting friends is just mean?

thereareflowersinmygarden · 2018-08-28T11:52:12+00:00

Just that really. A few people have done it to me over the last couple of years. Clearly I'm doing something wrong but since it's apparently socially acceptable to just ignore people like that, I have no idea what. Sure this sort of behaviour was considered rude at one point.

frankie69 · 29/08/2018 15:19

I have also had (like a pp mentioned earlier,) several 'friends' who were mates with me, but then when something good happened to me (getting engaged, promotion, getting married, new car, baby, new house,) they cut contact. And then when something good happened to THEM (like 2-3 years later,) they got in touch again.

I have had 3 or 4 different 'friends' do this to me in the past. With each and every one, I gave them all a couple of chances, then on the 3rd time it happened (and it was usually over 5-10 years,) I cut THEM out. They stopped contacting me for the third time, and then when they DID get back in touch (via facebook) I blocked them, and never got in touch again. A couple of them tried desperately to get in touch, (one even opened an additional FB account to message me,) but I just blocked them there too.'

I took control, and I decided that I wanted no more contact with THEM. Keep ceasing contact when something good happens in MY life, but then get in touch after 3 years when something good happens in YOUR life, and expect me to be all over you, and BFFs ???

Fuck off.

Fortunately, I moved house 4-5 years ago, to a place 40 miles away, and have changed my name on FB - for example, it is actually Lyn Jones, and I am now Lynda Jay. So if someone searches for Lynne Jones, I don't come up. Me and DH also don't work where we did 4 or 5 years ago, so they have no real way of finding us very easily.

Lizzie48 · 29/08/2018 15:36

Some people are actually totally clueless as well. My supposed 'best friend' borrowed a lot of money from us, supposedly to pay off her mortgage arrears. She had 2 properties and told us that one of them was on the market and she would pay us back once the property was sold.

It turned out that her debts

sanfranmarzipan · 29/08/2018 15:37

I like how you have assumed new identities to avoid these people

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/08/2018 15:38

As @frankie69 and many many many others have said...

when something good happened to me (getting engaged, promotion, getting married, new car, baby, new house,) they cut contact. And then when something good happened to THEM (like 2-3 years later,) they got in touch again

It seems such a common thing.

Am now sweating a bit that my ex BFF pops up end of the year when she has her baby.

Lizzie48 · 29/08/2018 15:43

Posted too soon. It turned out that her debts greater than the value of the 2 properties. She just didn't get it. She used to send us Christmas cards with newsletters inside about her holidays. My DH used to wonder whether she'd enclosed a cheque??

frankie69 · 29/08/2018 15:53

I like how you have assumed new identities to avoid these people.

I know right! It's crazy, but a couple of them kept pestering me, and I got so pissed off that I just blocked them, and changed my name on FB.

Anyone who is important to me/who I like etc, is already on my friends list. Anyone from the past, (and who isn't there on the friends list,) is NOT there and NOT in my life for a (very good) reason.

sanfranmarzipan · 29/08/2018 16:01

I had a few what I think of as divorce tourists who took a sudden interest in me when exh left, presumably for the gossip? then disappeared once I got happy again.

Needsleepneedsleep · 29/08/2018 16:03

Ashamed to say I have ghosted a friend and am currently a ghostee.

The friend I ghosted became extremely needy, constantly texting me 24/7 and would text again and again if I didn't respond as I was at work etc. The friendship was always all about her and her problems, repeatedly told me she was jealous of my house, 'liked' and followed me everywhere on Facebook to the point it felt I was being stalked, kept wanting to stay over at weekends with her young DC (so they got a free break), and the final straw was when on one of those weekends she or her DH stole things from my bedroom, it was only when I asked her if she'd accidentally taken anything back with her that she said they had and would send said things back...but never did and blamed the postman for me never receiving my belongings back.

Currently the ghostee of a friend who turned out to be a narc, the signs were always there that she was a narc but I ignored them, believing she was a sweet and lovely person...but I got burnt and once she knew I knew she is a narc, ghosted me for her next victims...currently a group of women with the same interest as her, will see how long that lasts as she constantly falls out with people and cannot hold down a job for more than a couple of months. Also has no empathy for anyone else. Am well rid tbh.

frankie69 · 29/08/2018 16:03

WOW how rude sanfran!

But I have also known people flock round when nasty shit is happening in your life. I think some people like the gossip, the drama, and the controversy.

Really pisses me off!

frankie69 · 29/08/2018 16:05

Sounds like you were better off without both 'friends' @needsleepneedsleep !

As has been said, sometimes, ghosting people is the only way.

Cruel and mean maybe...... But then, the behaviour of a LOT of people is cruel and mean!

sanfranmarzipan · 29/08/2018 16:06

Thanks frankie yes just there for the gossip and drama, exactly! there were only a couple of them thankfully but I still look back in amazement that people can be like that.

Needsleepneedsleep · 29/08/2018 16:14

frankie69 yes, am definitely better of without either of them...so tired of one sided friendships with selfish people.

greendale17 · 29/08/2018 16:23

Just that people should grow a back bone and just say rather than leaving the friend to wonder. Obviously this doesn't apply to controlling or abusive people.

^I agree with this

mamabear2010 · 29/08/2018 16:30

ive done it twice , when one friend texted over 100 times when i was away on a family holiday in italy with poor internet ,then stopped talking to me as i refused to help her organize her 40th , when i was on holiday and it was a year away , i came home from holidays this year to find a invite to her 40th ,
the other one involved benefit fraud on her part , a thieving ex hubby who wasnt a ex , i was going through a hard time and could cope with the lies and the drama , so retreated as i wanted to know nothing about it

GallicosCats · 29/08/2018 16:50

I think basically people are cowards and they know that the 'reasons' they don't want to be friends are stupid ones: you're not trendy enough and make them look uncool, they don't like the way you make them tea, they liked your chat at first but now it's boring, Jessie up the road has a bigger house and a cute dog...

So instead of exposing their shallowness, they ghost you. It could be worse. The really nasty ones talk about it and make it look like it's your fault for not being positive or fascinating enough (as in 'I need radiators not drains' )

ValleyClouds · 29/08/2018 17:28

I have two competing views on this as I've ghosted and have been ghosted

I agree with loads of comments about how it IS better to ghost than to have a fucking excruciating conversation with someone about why you or they don't want to be friends anymore. I also think the person who said "maybe you haven't been ghosted they just have other priorities in their lives right now " has made a really important point.

In one situation I felt forced to Ghost because the relationship had become a source of massive stress that I didn't need, including slating me behind my back to other people and jeopardising opportunities I had because they were threatened by it.
Keeping me on the phone ranting and raving about the same things night after night literally word for word the same. Then I discussed it with her DH who outright told me he thinks she's a sociopath and at this point he sees himself as more her Carer than her husband. That was a conversation

I ghosted them because there was no way of them computing their own behaviour or changing it. They were a lot older than me and it was entrenched.

As someone with life limiting health problems that I cannot control or improve any more than I currently do; I do feel like I've been ghosted by people for being a "downer" and having "nothing of use to offer" and it stings because it's not anything I can change

I don't have cancer but a different serious condition but research shows people with cancer haemorrhage friends, and it is a similar fate for other chronically ill people. It's for those two reasons above because people want to have in the time that they have available to allocate to friends, positive experiences that benefit them and so those of us who cannot help being "needy" lose out. And that's sad

ValleyClouds · 29/08/2018 17:32

* So instead of exposing their shallowness, they ghost you. It could be worse. The really nasty ones talk about it and make it look like it's your fault for not being positive or fascinating enough (as in 'I need radiators not drains'* )

I couldn't agree with this more, it's the ghostee's fault that they don't have things that the ghoster wants not the ghosters fault for being egocentric and a user.

katielouise3 · 29/08/2018 18:41

@GallicosCats

I think basically people are cowards and they know that the 'reasons' they don't want to be friends are stupid ones: you're not trendy enough and make them look uncool, they don't like the way you make them tea, they liked your chat at first but now it's boring, Jessie up the road has a bigger house and a cute dog...

I think this a load of nonsense, but whatever.............

Just that people should grow a back bone and just say rather than leaving the friend to wonder. Obviously this doesn't apply to controlling or abusive people.

So how do you suggest this conversation should go?

As you clearly have a 'backbone,' then please DO tell us 'spineless' people what we should be saying to people who we no longer want in our life, because they are causing us stress, using us, affecting our mental heath, causing drama, attention-seeking, and generally causing bother for us?

How would this conversation go? What would you SAY to someone you no longer wanted in your life?

I am guessing you are just someone who is regularly ghosted as you sound a bit angry and quite bitter, but I would still LOVE to know what you would say to get someone out of your life.

I'm waiting...................

Ihavethepower · 29/08/2018 18:50

You don't have to have a 'reason' to not want to be friends with someone. It's not compulsory.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 29/08/2018 18:56

I’m the queen of cutting people off. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. If it’s not working it not working.

bubbles108 · 29/08/2018 19:24

@thereareflowersinmygarden , I agree. Ghosting is cowardly. I've done it a couple of times and I did it that way rather than tell the person how I felt, because I didn't want a discussion or a scene. Sheer cowardice.

Thomasinaa · 29/08/2018 19:25

Well, I've written to a couple of people, saying that I'd enjoyed knowing them but had decided not to stay in touch because we no longer had as much in common, but wishing them the best for the future.

katielouise3 · 29/08/2018 19:32

So it is cowardly.... so what?

Better to be a 'coward' than tolerate being with a toxic cunt who is making your life a misery!

SandyY2K · 29/08/2018 19:36

I've ghosted a friend.

I found out she was having an affair and in some twisted thinking ..She introduced her OM to another (mutual) single friend as a kind of set up for them to date.

She did this right in front of her DH and the following weekend she was sneaking off under the guise of a work conference, but was with the OM.

It wasn't the affair that made me ghost her...it was introducing him to my other mate in the presence of her unsuspecting DH.

That's too cruel.

There's usually a reason for ghosting...people aren't going to tell you directly.

katielouise3 · 29/08/2018 19:41

I’m the queen of cutting people off. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. If it’s not working it not working.

Good for you @notumbongunchained

Life's too short to waste time with people who stress you out, piss you off, or use you...

(Or all of the above!) ^

I have wasted so many hours and days and WEEKS over the years, stressing over a toxic friendship, and now I just bin them if the relationship is not doing me any good.

If it means I end up friendless in my senior years, so be it. Better that, than having the stress of people fucking me off, using me, stressing me out, and moaning at me day in, day out!

@Ihavethepower

You don't have to have a 'reason' to not want to be friends with someone. It's not compulsory.

This ^ exactly!

I agree with something someone said way back in the thread, that females are socially conditioned to be 'nice' and make friendships work, or else they are bad people. I don't ever see boys/men being given such a hard time if they stop bothering with a (male) friend.

@LyndorCake

Okay, so I'm doing this to someone at the moment. She is incredibly needy and decided that I was her best friend/sister. She wanted far too much from me and made my life difficult. She would call me throughout the night for a chat, turned up at the hospital when I was in labour demanding to be let in to see me as I "couldn't do it without her", cried when I didn't ask her to be godmother. She even "joked" about using my DHs sperm to have her own baby so our children could be related.

My GOD, she sounds unhinged!

I tried letting her down gently but she never took hints. I couldn't be blunt as when I have in the past, she does a proper hurt puppy face, cries and emotionally blackmails me.

So I decided to cut contact. I stopped replying to her messages, don't go places I know she will be etc. I feel awful doing it but I don't know how to deal with it!

Shame you have to do this, but as has been said, what else are you meant to do?

I think all the people on here who are getting sniffy and annoyed at people who GHOST people, have had it done to them a few times........

Maybe they should be asking themselves why people do it, and look at their own behaviour.

@SandyY2K

There's usually a reason for ghosting...people aren't going to tell you directly.

Exactly this.

People don't ghost people for no reason.................