To think that ghosting friends is just mean?

[thereareflowersinmygarden]

Just that really. A few people have done it to me over the last couple of years. Clearly I'm doing something wrong but since it's apparently socially acceptable to just ignore people like that, I have no idea what.

Sure this sort of behaviour was considered rude at one point.

Phasing out is almost natural, slow withdrawl where as ghosting is abrupt and is cruel in it's abruptness. But I mean to be rude and cruel when I did it. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it.

OP I've ghosted an old friend because she was critical, judgemental and downright mean. She will probably bleat that I "don't listen to her" but I don't give a shit. She's dead inside

I think from these replies, ghosting generally happens when one party doesn't have a lot of insight into how the relationship's going or persistently reads the room wrong. I think many cases of ghosting are not as sudden and inexplicable as the ghostee thinks - they just couldn't see the writing on the wall. Not saying this is you OP - just that it does often seem to happen that way.

I wonder whether men ghost each other because one of them said something insensitive?

I wonder if men call each other up at 3am to tearfully ask "do you love your son more than me?" Or send each other daily texts wanting to know if they're still "besties for life"? Or screen shot every single online dating conversation they have to send each other, then insist on 2/3 hour phone calls multiple times a week to deeply analyse each one? Or start shouting that their friend's 2 month old is a spoiled brat when they have to end said marathon phone call to go and feed them? That's the kind of shit I was putting up with from the woman I ghosted, and I'll bet that the many other people who have said they ghosted someone unkind and intense would have similar stories. Men don't tend to fall victim to the same overly intense friendships that women do, but if they did I bet they'd drop them just as quickly!

I've worked in a lot of primary schools and have seen kids fall out with each other on many occasions. It's always the same - the little boys get told to take a break, cool off, see how they feel tomorrow. The little girls get taken out of class and sat down, made to talk it through, basically forced to make up. If one little girl is being overbearing and the other doesn't want to be friends anymore they get accused of bullying or leaving them out and are told to be nice and let them join in. I have never seen this happen with little boys, they're always allowed to set their boundaries and choose their friends. It's part of a very early program of socialisation that tells girls and women that they have to let their boundaries be walked all over in the name of being nice and polite.

But with all due respect, @Sandstormbrewing I should think this 'friend' will have known why you ghosted her if she tried it on with your DH?? And if she was so awful, why wouldn't you have the guts to tell her to stick her friendship where the sun don't shine?? Ghosting is actually quite cowardly in the circumstances you describe.

The circumstances described by the OP and others are not in the same category, more out of the blue, when there have been no issues at all, where their mutual friends have been baffled.

That's just rude, sorry, and cowardly.

I wonder whether men ghost each other because one of them said something insensitive?

I doubt it. And I can't imagine for a second that any man would say to the other 'I'm ending this friendship because..'.

It is such a strange thing to do IMO.

I've completely 'deleted' someone from my life in the past. We had a group of friends, and it became clear she was telling lies about us. She was constantly arranging to meet then backing out at the last moment and then telling other people that she was so hurt because we all went for dinner and didn't invite her. When her mother died, she told people that none of us had even acknowledged it. When it was pointed out that not only had we messaged but she had actually replied (screenshots are useful in these circumstances) she claimed that her phone must have been hacked. I'm in my 40s, I don't have time for crap like that. So I blocked her on social media, deleted her phone number, and I pretend that she is a stranger. She was told that her behaviour was hurtful, but she just denied it anyway, so ghosting her was the only viable option.

If it's happened to you that often I think some closure would help. I'd email so it's not so personal and ask. My old next door neighbour was great fun we were friends for ten years and she was dropped by several friends. She was tight really tight, hated paying for anything despite being single with a good job and very comfortable. Eventually I stopped seeing her too my now DH got sick of her never paying. I didn't have the courage to tell her why I just let it slide but I'd tell her now if she asked.

Lizzie48 without going in to too much detail, my 'friend' is a bit of a dick generally. And whilst I don't doubt she knows why we no longer talk, she denies it if people ask (because who is going to admit that?) and appears baffled - but it isn't the first time she's been ghosted for similar behaviour, which I was aware of (and again claims she doesn't know why they ghosted her and when I've said why I think it was she has denied the incident was as it seemed). At the time I had bad PND and whilst you may think of it as cowardly, I don't. She didn't deserve an explanation, she didn't deserve anything from me and if I had confronted her she'd have denied it and tried to worm her way out of it, as I had seen her do before. She wouldn't have either admitted it or apologised so what would I have gained from telling her? A simple removal of her from my life was best for me. And in that circumstance, what was best for me was paramount. Putting yourself first isn't cowardly.

I don't agree with ghosting. I have ditched friends and been ditched myself and feel it's kinder and it's also possible to do it without heartfelt explanations or confrontation.

When I did it and when it was done to me it was by email both times and being ghosted hurt more.

DH and I live abroad and find it hard to make friends. We were friends with two older newly retired couples who ghosted us when we had our second child. They just stopped replying to emails, texts and phone calls. From a bloke's point of view DH isn't hurt by it and just keeps thinking they must have something going on, illness, some kind of family tragedy for example and he's not hurt by it. Occasionally he says he will try them again but I wouldn't. However, he doesn't try and analyse what we might have done wrong like I do.

I also don't agree with the advice I keep seeing here about phasing people out. Why would you do this? Why spend time with people if you don't enjoy their company? That is pretty much what was said to me that time and what I said to the friendship I ended. On both occasions there were difficulties both parties were aware of so there was no need for a bigger explanation.

ihavethepower

I agree. Generally speaking, I would think it was arrogant and even abusive if someone sat me down to run through a list of my faults then "dumped" me.

However I do think that it can be a measure of how strong a relationship is if people feel they can express anger and talk things through. So I guess I can see how it can be perceived as cowardly not to do that if there is a specific thing that could be remedied. But there could be a lot of reasons why people find confrontation hard and sometimes you do know when relationships aren't recoverable.

I agree with a pp that sometimes it comes down to a difference of perception. In my early 20s, I left a lunch date with a friend early after she'd spent the whole time using me as a verbal punchbag, culminating in telling me that she felt sorry for my father having me as a daughter because I'd accepted my mother's new partner (who had nothing to do with my parents' divorce and in fact came on the scene years after they'd split. My friend had never met my father, her parents were still together so blended families weren't a sensitive topic for her, and she knew my father had been desperately unkind to me in the past including telling me he'd never liked me even when I was a child. So she had no reason to make that comment other than to be a dick). I thought it was self-explanatory why I walked out and never contacted her again. I found out a while later that she hadn't realised why and had eventually concluded that I didn't want to be friends anymore because she'd spent the whole lunch-date telling me what I was and wasn't allowed to eat (yeah, that was a healthy friendship).

I'm sure my friend thinks I ghosted her without explanation. I think she was a bully who, it turned out, felt so entitled to behave badly that she didn't even recognise the consequences of her own behaviour.

I had a similar experience with another friend who goes round telling people I ghosted her, even though I was just asking to meet less frequently for a while because I was heavily pregnant and frantically preparing for life as a single mum. I only dumped her when she totally flipped out about it and screamed abuse at me (and my mother). She's lost about a dozen friendships that way in the time I've known her, but she claims to have been ghosted each time without explanation (example: she went off on a public four-lettered abusive rant at one friend on Facebook over something very silly, and then cried about having been ghosted for no apparent reason when he instantly deleted her).

I've been ghosted and it was shit.

Work friend who used me as a shoulder to cry on when she was going through a bad breakup. Then when my Mum was critically ill and it looked like we might lose her, she was nowhere to be seen. She got a new job and disappeared completely after making promises to turn up to pre-arranged social stuff.

She popped up on my social media about a year later being all friendly and keen to engage. I deleted her and didn't respond.

I agree that ghosting (suddenly cutting off all contact without explanation) is cruel. The only exception is if the friend did something heinous, in which case the ghosting shouldn't come as a surprise! On the other hand, I also think it's cruel to tell someone you don't want to be their friend anymore. However, no one should be forced to be friends with someone whose company they don't enjoy. In this case, it's kinder to distance oneself, so be slow to respond to messages, not commit to arrangements, always appear busy until the friendship fades away without anyone getting hurt. You can still be friends on Social Media, perhaps occassionally like their posts. I have done this and have maybe had it done to me - or maybe the friendship did just fizzle out? I'd rather not know!

I backed away from a friend of over 40 years because her behaviour to other people was unpleasant and it made me realise how much we'd grown apart. I did at first stop responding to her messages but then realised that was wrong so had 2 long phone calls with her where I explained how I was feeling and made clear I wasn't going to meet up with her - she asked directly when we could meet up and I told her clearly I didn't want to. I think she felt that was temporary so continued to message asking to me meet up, and I haven't responded. I can't explain how I feel for a third time.

Electrack you responded just as someone should. If she doesn't know, that's her lookout, you were honest with her

Happened to me. Now - 3 years on - she's suddenly started making friendly advances again as if nothing's happened. Er, no, not interested.

I think I may be ghosting in advance. I had a friend from school we started nurse training together and then she married and wen abroad with her DH. She was spiteful nasty jealous and a bully . I was very timid at school. (think ugly with NHS specs). Now she is back in the country and lives in the next village to mine. Her DH contacted me and asked me to ring as she wants to get in touch again. I have no idea if she has changed.. But I have. I don't intend to put up with her shit way of treating people.. So I'm ghosting in advance

Her DH phoned and asked you to get in touch??? She's sending courtiers to you? Noooo thanks

I didn't say he'd phone me. He contacted me via FB. Saying that the new house was ready so she wanted to refine contact

Chocatoo
Me too it was awful and compounded by her sending me the most vicious email imaginable

only a spineless git would stoop so low as to ghost someone they had been friends with for years and in daily contact with.

@sandstormbrewing

I'm sorry, but when you belittle me, gaslight me, take my confidences and spread them around and try it on with my husband I don't think you deserve any better.

Agree with this.

Also agree with the person that said men don't have to ghost friends as much (or as readily) because they don't seem to have the same kind of intense, clingy friendships that sometimes develop between women.

Women can have very rich friendships, but when they go wrong or bad, women are fucking vile to one another. And as has been said, there is no easy way to ditch someone who is not good for your mental health anymore.

Sadly, as with most relationships, there is always going to be one person who doesn't realise how bad it is getting....... and they will ultimately end up hurt, upset, and angry. But that is not the other person's fault, or responsibility. Shit happens.

And as a few people have said, people don't generally just ghost you for nothing. And if it has happened to you a number of times, then you might have to accept the fact that it's probably YOU who is the problem.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster

I think sometimes people think they are way closer friends then the other party thinks they are which leads to angst When they decide to let things go. Ghosting is not nice, but as others have pointed out it sometimes the only way to end a ‘friendship’ with someone who has become difficult, toxic or just not on the same page as you.

I have never known anybody end a friendship via a formal sit down where you point out all the character faults and grievances you have with your soon to be ex friend. Also, I tend to think where people have been repeatedly ghosted there is probably an issue closer to home rather then some conspiracy.

All of this.

How the hell are you supposed to get rid of a toxic relationship with someone (or one that is generally making you stressed and unhappy?) Just sit them down and say 'sorry to tell you this, but you are an annoying cunt who stresses me out every time I hear your voice or see your face, and I no longer want you in my life.........!'

I mean, seriously, who is going to say that to anyone? NO-ONE on here would say it, nor anyone I know irl, including me. I don't believe ANYone who says they would say that.

Just stopping contact, not returning calls or texts, and not visiting them (or asking them to yours) is the only way to get rid of a toxic fucker in your life. I have done this before several times, and quite honestly, I am not sorry.

In mid 2016, I 'ghosted' someone who lives 10-15 minutes walk from me (in my village,) who I had known for several years, as she was doing my head in. Every time I saw her, she cornered me, and whinged and whined about her problems, her work, her health, her EVERYthing, and every problem she had was always much bigger than anyone else's. She was also painfully nosey and intrusive, and very gossipy, as well as being rude, and opinionated, with no filter.

She (and her partner) used to turn up unannounced at our house at teatime (and sometimes when DH was on shifts, and was due at work on nights in 3 hours.) She'd say 'we won't stop long!' 2 hours later they were still here!

She did used to text and say 'we are popping to see you in 10 minutes!' But it gave us a heads-up, and we would message back and say 'no we are busy sorry!' and close the curtains and pretend to not be in! So she took to just turning up!

She would also constantly ask for favours; from fixing their PC, to giving them a lift somewhere. HE would text and say 'I need a lift to the doctors in the morning at 10am, as my appointment is 10.30am, please be outside my house at 10am.' Honestly, I'm not kidding!

DH didn't help the situation (when I was trying to shake them off,) because he would say 'may as well help them or they will keep mithering!' In the end, HE asked DH to go round and help him with something, and DH said yes, and I said 'you're on your own, I'm done, YOU are the one who promised!'

He kept DH there FOUR HOURS, and he did what would have cost them £200 if they had got someone else in.

I did ring (their landline) after three hours to see where he was, and HE (her partner) said 'your ball and chain is on the phone demanding to know where you are! UNDER THE THUMB EH MATE?'

I was not amused and neither was DH, and we never ever went round to their house again (despite numerous requests and demands!) and we never let them in ours again. We had them 'just turn up' on a number of occasions (at least half a dozen,) and we just didn't answer the door. She would text us and I didn't reply.

After a while, they stopped contacting us. Took a good 6-8 months though, and people asking me 'have you seen Julie?' and 'Julie says she hasn't seen you in ages!' ( not her real name! ) I just said 'I have been busy!' and changed the subject. I am a middle aged woman with grown children, and a career, and a home of my own; I don't have to explain myself to anyone.

In addition, I never answered any more texts, or calls, or emails, and (sadly) had to finish a hobby group I had been in for a year, because SHE had followed me to it. That fucked me right off, and made me decide I don't want to make anymore 'friends' in my village.

I did hear a few weeks back actually, that 2 other people - an ex colleague of 'Julie' and another person in the village, are also giving her a very wide berth, and are no longer seeing her.

So as a few people have said in this thread; if being 'ghosted' is happening to someone on a fairly regular basis, then it has to be something to do with them. Regarding this woman in the village.... taking into account the fact that several people have 'ghosted' her, and I don't have the same problem with anyone else, that tells me the problem is HER, and not ME.