To think that ghosting friends is just mean?

[thereareflowersinmygarden]

Just that really. A few people have done it to me over the last couple of years. Clearly I'm doing something wrong but since it's apparently socially acceptable to just ignore people like that, I have no idea what.

Sure this sort of behaviour was considered rude at one point.

I think you're 100% correct to do that Chocolate. Of course another person might point out that she withdrew every time your life "progressed" (for want of a better word) and that this may have resulted in her needing to step back for whatever reasons eg if your life made her compare herself unfavorably and that had an effect on her mental health.

So in your example that person could well see your withdrawal as "she dumped me because she had her DH, dc and didn't need me anymore", failing to see that actually she wasn't keeping up her side of the friendship and that this had a negative effect on you.

My point, I suppose, is that these things often aren't so black and white as lovely person who never put a foot wrong v nasty, selfish fucker who doesn't care about anyone . Ultimately if a friendship is making us feel crappy about ourselves, or causes us to feel stressed or frustrated, we are allowed to disengage from it. Even if the other party doesn't see there's a problem.

For people who I no longer had anything in common or we had grown apart, then I would be busy etc, and gradually distance myself. But ghosting reserved for toxic, nasty 'friends'.

I have ghosted someone. The more I knew about her the more I discovered a very dishonest side , also the longer I knew her the more I felt she used me too.

I did try distancing myself but she really didn’t take any hints. Every time I didn’t answer phone she would send text after text . I felt harassed .

I really didn’t like her or care about her in the end. I also felt her dd was very spiteful to my Ds .

CantSleep, I agree. I think she did feel like that, somw of her behaviour was strange, like filming my children behind my back, but too much to go into here.
I always tried to include her in things, but when things were also going well for her too she would drop me. I think the friendship has just run its course and we've naturally drifted apart.

Ive been ghosted by one friend because i left the UK and was cut off by another. Both of them have form for doing this with their other friends as well. One friend i know regrets it but its too late. In both cases, I accepted it and moved on. Its a pattern in their lives and not mine and it is more a reflection on the person who does it rather than you.

Reading this thread really shows how much of a bitch most women are! I wonder whether men ghost each other because one of them said something insensitive? Genuinely interested.

I have not ghosted but have been ghosted maybe? I am expected to make all the effort and now i take the hint and do not bother her she is upset and annoyed at me.

I have just closed it at my end and will not bother again.

I am quite scatty and have lots of different circles of friends as most people do. I do find it hard to keep up with everyone, I haven’t always noticed if I haven’t seen a friend in a few months. Not intentionally at all just very very busy juggling everything. I would love to see more of my friends but I have zero time and so little energy most of the time.

I think it is okay to ghost someone if you would prefer not to confront them and hurt their feelings. Unless they are a very old and dear friend dropppng gently off the radar is fine.

I have ghosted some people ( I call it moving on) and have been ghosted too I am sure. I don’t take it personally. I am old enough to know friends don’t always last forever, and life and experience changes all of us. Focus on your closest friends that have weathered the storms, and allow the others to flow in and out throughout your life.

I don't ghost but i have recently deleted numbers of people I was friends with 20 plus years ago who I have had no interactions (text/ phone etc) with for years. It was part of a wider clear out if social media etc because I can't be doing with the pretending that we are all really good friends ('we must meet up' 'lets make a weekend of it) when clearly none of us have the inclination to check in with each other in real life.

I think ‘ghosting’ is usually cowardly. By ‘ghosting’ I mean out of the blue stopping all contact with a friend with no explanation. I wouldn’t count letting friendships fizzle out slowly or not keeping up with acquaintances, old work colleagues etc.

In a few circumstances, if someone is intimidating, insisting on engaging you without invitation, or could affect your livelihood (such as an earlier example of a workplace ‘friend’) then it’s probably the only course of action you can take. But I wouldn’t count people like ‘annoying woman at playgroup’ or ‘ex-boss who needs to be managed’ as friends.

If you’re someone’s friend, it implies to me that you have had a relationship with them, that you have participated in and encouraged that relationship and so suddenly dropping all contact with no explanation – unless they have done something dreadful to you - can only be a way of avoiding any distress they might have. It’s much easier of course not to be confronted with someone’s bewilderment / fuss / distress, but cowardly. They may not like the explanation but you should give one, if you have actually been their friend.

I’ve ghosted 2 people over the last approx 10 years.

Reasons that apply to one or both:
-Habitual liar, not just small stuff either
-Using me to take care of child(ren). Not just occasionally when something urgent came up, but all the time as though I was her personal servant
-embellishing small mishaps into major dramas
-being racist
-“accidentally” borrowing and keeping my stuff
-them having constant arguments and disagreements with everyone they encounter
-being manipulative to get something they want from me
-being overbearing and not leaving me alone, constant texts like a stalker from 6am
-basically being a really shit friend

Once someone has behaved in that manner, I do not owe them an explanation for the ghosting. I did it to protect myself as each of them was impacting the rest of my life with their shitty behaviour and demands. Also, if you sit that kind of person down and say, I’m not your friend any more because you did [whatever] that will be turned into another of their dramas and also they’ll twist it to make it your fault and/or pretend the stuff was accidental etc etc.

God this is depressing.

I have family, a job I like and a decent income.

Clearly you can only have so much luck in life.

OP people are just talking about their experiences in general, not talking about your personally.

Do you take everything personally? Maybe this is the route of the problems that you need to lighten up a little?

The general consensus seems to be, that people ghost because they think that the ghostee is a bit of a cunt. Ergo....

No, I am not reading people ghost because they think that someone is a c* or otherwise. They generally do not want to hurt the other person. Ghosting is seen my many as kinder, just letting the friendship fade away.

There are all kinds of reasons for wanting to see less of some friends, from the very very serious (trying it on with your dh) all the way through to a lack of time.

Your friends obviously matter a lot to you. If a close friend of mine ghosted me and was seriously close to me, I would be sitting on her sofa until I had an answer, and we would fix it because I would care enough to do that and to fight for us. Other friends that are not so close their choice their life. Let it go.

Try and make sure you have tons of friends, so if a few drop by the wayside it won't have such a big impact.

Ghosting isn't letting it fade- it's cutting people off abruptly. Ignoring them. Letting it fade would be making excuses all the time.

Ghosting is not kind!

Letting it fade is the kindest thing to do if you don't want to be friends any more. It's not that hard to do... take your time in answering messages, be a bit unavailable etc.

Ghosting is literally being in lots of contact one day and next day totally ignoring someone forever (which is what happened to me) and is a cowards way out

No ghosting is not kind. It's cruel. Letting a friendship just fade might be fairer, especially if you've been close and you don't want to be anymore. It's still hurtful to let friendships go, especially if one of you still thinks all is fine with the friendship. There's no easy answer. I've been ghosted once by someone I cared about very much and who told me they loved me like a sister. She made acquaintances and surface friends easily. I admired this. I made friendships slowly, and had a few close friends. She ghosted me a couple of times, before social media. I put it down to having children at different times and being in different towns. We'd then become closer again. She ghosted me maybe 3 times in 15 years. The last time I was very hurt for years, but I realised that I could not keep refreshing a friendship that would keep hurting me. Weirdly she wasn't surprised I stopped contact. Perhaps I was too intense for her. Perhaps I was still focussed on myself when she had had a child and had multiple people to focus on. Perhaps she couldnt say no to phone conversations and it was easier to cut me off entirely. When I sent a photo of my third new born I didn't get even a congrats. Either way, we were not suited as friends. I don't think she liked being close to anyone for long. I still care about her but I am older and wiser. I've also found that most friendships seem to be about wanting or needing me for something or for a time. So I am trying to just appreciate whoever is in front of me and not expect anything. I think I am entirely reliable and can be called on in hard times or in a crisis. Rarely is there someone I could call on in a crisis. Not that I have had many. I do agree with the idea that some people are with you for a season or a reason..

I don't think I've ever ghosted or been ghosted. But I have been on both sides of a gradual stepping away from a person. As the person doing the stepping away it was because for various reasons I felt the friendship had run its course or the person got on my nerves more than they didn't . The only fading out of me I can recall was someone I considered a good friend, I'd even been her bridesmaid. As soon as she got married she dropped her friends and by all accounts her parents as well. There are a few of us in this group and it took us a while to work it out, but we realised she would ignore messages, or tell us she tried to reply but it hadn't sent and always had excuses as to why she couldn't make a night out. Just a gradual fading out really. Eventually we caught her on FB when she'd said she was too ill to meet but was out with her husbands friends. That was a bit of a turning point so after that we all just played along for politeness sake for a while until I decided I couldn't be bothered anymore and haven't heard from her since. Sorry this is a bit of a waffle but I am over it now, but at the time it was hurtful and I feel foolish for having tried for so long when in hindsight she was trying to walk away. But I think if she'd ghosted us it would have been worse as it would have left us wondering if she was OK. At least a gradual withdrawal gives the other person a while to work out the intentions. I probably would have preferred her to have sent us a message being a bit more upfront given we'd all been friends for 15 years but realistically most people don't do that.

Gawd. Sorry I am very waffley. So yes I agree ghosting is mean.. But I can imagine in dire circumstances it may be the only way a person feels they can end it. Sadly friendships can be complex. People change and most relationships have an expiry date. It's not like dating where you can officially end it. There's lots of polite dancing about the issue and feelings of obligation. I was hurt by my friends actions but hindsight she's always been quite odd about friends. They seemed to serve a purpose and then she'd move on so I really shouldn't have been surprised. She was also a massive snob and social climber and had married into money and was really only interested in her husbands posh friends so there was another sign .

At least a gradual withdrawal gives the other person a while to work out the intentions

Spot on. This sums it up

There was one friend I would have been better off ghosting. She'd become very demanding ad argumentative and I was finding her very hard work. She'd also admitted to breaking a confidence I'd shared with her.

I felt that I should keep supporting her, as I knew she was finding life difficult, but we ended up falling out massively and I took the opportunity to cut her off. But ghosting would probably have been a lot less stressful.

Yeah I agree with others who said that letting a friendship fade is much kinder than suddenly cutting off all contact.

That seems a really weird and mean thing to do, unless the person has clearly done something horrid.

I don't even like giving it a name as it implies it's a valid thing to do.

I've ghosted a friend but that was because she was emotionally needy and very jealous/insecure (I can only assume). She's a stay at home Mum with a millionaire older boyfriend who won't marry her or let her work.

I met her as our DC went to the same nursery.

She would text several times a day and if I didn't reply immediately then she would send a "you not talking to me hun? lol :)" text.

When I told her I was getting married and invited her to my wedding she got very distant with me, then a month before the wedding she announced her DD's birthday was the same day and got very huffy with me when I said that obviously we couldn't attend. For some reason she decided to shift the entire birthday party back a day so she could still come to my wedding, but then showed up dressed in jeans and a tshirt, with her daughter in a bridesmaid dress and then left straight after the ceremony...

Was very odd. I asked my mum to take DD to her DDs party (was hanging) and according to my mum my friend was very annoyed about this.

I got several calls whilst on my honeymoon which I ignored and haven't heard a thing since.

In these days of SM, it makes a lot of sense to just allow friendships to fade out if you don't have much in common anymore. You can just remain Facebook friends and occasionally like their posts, and just not engage with them.

When someone just doesn't get the hint, though, that's harder to cope with, and, as I found, it can lead to a massive fallout in the end.

It is hurtful to be ghosted (I've had that done to me, too), but life seriously is too short to obsess about the possible reasons why.