To think that ghosting friends is just mean?

[thereareflowersinmygarden]

Just that really. A few people have done it to me over the last couple of years. Clearly I'm doing something wrong but since it's apparently socially acceptable to just ignore people like that, I have no idea what.

Sure this sort of behaviour was considered rude at one point.

I did not want to be friends with them any longer, there was no way back, but one was no better than the other.

lol what a selfish attitude. It's not for you to decide which was better. You have no idea how hurt the other person was.

If you've had a major falling out with someone and want NC that person will obviously realise why, if you've had a fading out of friendship that's also different but to suddenly go from being close friends to blanking someone is plain rude and selfish.

I've ghosted several people.

If they had asked me why I wanted out of the friendship they wouldn't have liked my response. So to avoid that awkwardness I ghosted them.

No regrets, no shame felt & I did not feel guilty or a horrible person.

I've ghosted and been ghosted. Nobody owes anyone anything.

I've done it once, but I had reasons and had I confronted her/ explained why, she would have lied and tried to persuade me otherwise. i was ill at the time and might have listened despite knowing I was legitimate in my reasons.

So whilst in some instances it may be wrong, I always wonder what the other side of the story is.

I have been ghosted but I am aware of the reasons why.
First one is quite a strange person who seems to like to keep company with semi violent and bullying people, I have be physically assaulted by two of her friends and verbally abused by a few. I also stopped lending money especially as it was never being repaid. I also stopped doing things like school pick ups and babysitting/sleepovers.
Second one was a person who expected me to do school pick ups and babysitting but when I needed similar help it was not possible. Also lent money which has only been partly repaid.
I think I was too soft and was taken for a ride but from their side they may see it that I was willing to help, then stopped. Whatever the truth is I don't know but I find life quieter without this stress

Someone I'd know for about 7 years, quite a demanding friend, always in contact a few times a day. I was very generous to her because I've got more than she has, and she always grabbed everything with both hands (I paid for a holiday, gave her clothes she'd dropped hints about, paid for meals etc.)

She was quite full on in contact but hey ho no problem, we're all different. Then one day I whatsapped her as normal (it was normally her making contact but she'd gone quiet) Nothing. She was online but ignored me. Left it, tried again a few days later with a 'hiya, how's things'. Nothing.

This went on for two weeks, bearing in mind she was the one in contact about 5 times a day, it was really weird. I asked if everything was OK. Nothing.

After three weeks, I could see she was posting all over the place so I just asked had I done anything, what was wrong. She wrote back a horrible email saying she didn't want to speak to me anymore, she couldn't be bothered and was really very rude. I replied courteously. I wished her well, I was polite and more or less said 'ok, your decision, good luck'.

She then proceeded to slag me off to everyone saying I was needy when in fact she was the one who was contacting me endlessly every day. In retrospect, I am so glad to be rid of the friendship, she was a taker and abused my generosity.

Ghosting isnt something new, it use to be called 'phasing people out' and before that was most definitely called something else.

Its probably more noticeable these days because of mobile phones and social media, so when someone suddenly starts ignoring you, you know it. Years ago you could give people the benefit of the doubt because it wasn't so easy to keep in touch.

Have all these friends ghosted you recently? I would rather be ghosted than have an awkward break up chat but if you really want to know then why dont you send each one an email asking them why? If even 1 person responds at least you'd have an answer.

why dont you send each one an email asking them why? If even 1 person responds at least you'd have an answer.

Yep

but from their side they may see it that I was willing to help, then stopped

That's a good point Stillme, it's often about perception. Those people may have considered that a "close" friendship because to some people the measure of a friendship is do they get what they need from it. I suspect it doesn't always occur to people that it's one way traffic and so they're surprised when the "close friend" withdraws.

Btw it's definitely cos you were too soft and got taken for a ride, it's just a pity you didn't get in there first and ghost them . They sound like dicks, you're well rid however it ended.

I’m going through a thing with a friend atm, I’m not making any effort to contact her or reply to her messages. So yes, I suppose I am ghosting her.

The reasons,...

Last year I supported her through a really tough time with her dh. I would drop everything and go to her if she needed, even had her crying to me over Christmas. Not a problem, I was happy to do it. But now she is back with her dh I rarely hear from her. He lives abroad and she will only contact me or arrange to see me when he is out of the country. Atm her dh and dc are away for a couple of weeks and she messaged to say she is at a loose end for 2 weeks and she will meet with me to kill time! No you won’t love, I haven’t heard from you for a month.

She also messaged to say we should set up regular meet ups like bingo, because she needs her life back. She isn’t interested in anyone else’s lives and is constantly going on about her wonderful dc and dh 🤮, even at my dd’s birthday party. I’m sick of it. She is will ask a question such as how are you, but she’s just waiting for her turn to tell you all about her.

Anyway......and breath

GreenPimpernel Tue 28-Aug-18 13:24:33
Isn't it more likely they have something seriously wrong in their own lives and aren't able to deal with the emotional work of a friendship? Many people withdraw under stress. I don't resent them for it.

I agree with GreenPimpernel, you never know what is going on in someone else's life.

Op, I would suggest you message one of them and ask them out right what you have done, but only if you genuinely want to know the answer

It's not for you to decide which was better. You have no idea how hurt the other person was.

Better from my side, duh. I don't care how hurt they were. You seem to think that just having been friends means it's "rude and selfish" not to explain dropping someone; some people are horrible, dreadful friends, who would make trying to dump them as toxic as possible. You don't owe people like that an explanation, nor should you have to give a toss about their feelings when they don't about yours.

I've ghosted friends twice. Both times it was because I thought they'd been shits, to such an extent that I couldn't even be bothered explaining what they'd done, and listening to the long-winded explanations.

I think sometimes people think they are way closer friends then the other party thinks they are which leads to angst When they decide to let things go. Ghosting is not nice, but as others have pointed out it sometimes the only way to end a ‘friendship’ with someone who has become difficult, toxic or just not on the same page as you. I have never known anybody end a friendship via a formal sit down where you point out all the character faults and grievances you have with your soon to be ex friend. Also, I tend to think where people have been repeatedly ghosted there is probably an issue closer to home rather then some conspiracy.

OP it is not as black and white as that! Some people are very toxic, and nasty individuals who cannot see it for themselves, and confronting them will only make the situation worse, and cause the friend who is ghosting more stress and anxiety, some people are just not worth it. Sometimes less is more. That goes for cheeky friends who constantly take the piss, they just won't see it, and will probably put it on you being at fault.

Self preservation and all that, life is too short for hassle. There are situations that people have highlighted on here, where they were ghosted for no reason, unless there is extra information they are not relaying on here, which is just plain nasty. I would never ghost unless it was for a good reason (toxic, emotionally abusive friendship),

I agree ghosting is rude. I have phased people out though. Reasons being, not enjoying their company, having little in common, them being too bitchy/gossipy. I still speak to these people if I see them, like stuff on fb etc, just don't spend time with them.

I had to do this earlier this year. She was permanently negative and I found it utterly draining. It was easier to ghost than give any sort of lengthy explanation as to why I was cutting her off, I couldn’t be arsed with the drama.

She has a misplaced superiority complex and probably thinks I ghosted her because she was so much better than me. But she wasn’t. She lead a very insular and miserable life, I just couldn’t be arsed being a part of that anymore.

Never a reason for ghosting. Have been on the receiving end of it before I cannot even half explain the pain and hurt it can cause. She literally just stopped talking to me and that was it. It took me a good year to get over it when all she had to do was say our friendship was over and not have me going mental trying to work out why. Its rude and hurtful and only a spineless git would stoop so low as to ghost someone they had been friends with for years and in daily contact with.

only a spineless git would stoop so low as to ghost someone they had been friends with for years and in daily contact with. I'm sorry, but when you belittle me, gaslight me, take my confidences and spread them around and try it on with my husband I don't think you deserve ny better.

Obviously not saying that Jasperoonicle is the person I ghosted, but sometimes ghosting someone you thought was a close friend is perfectly justified.

In your case it is totally acceptable so :D In mine though I literally did nothing on her. Never outstayed my welcome, never borrowed money. It drove me mad trying to work out what I had done to make her ghost me. Horrible feeling.

Sometimes people just grow apart.

I tend to do a slow fade rather than a ghost and just be busy indefinitely.

With the exception of one ex friend, who deserved the new arse hole I ripped them.

I had a friend that ghosted me every time I had a baby then months later would get in touch.
Recently moved into a new house and invited her round for drinks, she didn't reply and that was now three months ago. I've deleted her number now and I'm not going to talk to her again as she makes me feel shit and I can't be arsed with her mind games anymore.
She ghosted me when I got engaged too and then again when I married, but enough is enough now. I'm stopping the cycle.

For context I've know this friend for 21 years and were very close.