To think that ghosting friends is just mean?

[thereareflowersinmygarden]

Just that really. A few people have done it to me over the last couple of years. Clearly I'm doing something wrong but since it's apparently socially acceptable to just ignore people like that, I have no idea what.

Sure this sort of behaviour was considered rude at one point.

I just don't see what's so terrible about ghosting. I don't see what's so admirable about telling someone why you don't want to be friends. You're under no obligation to be friends with anyone, nor to explain why if you decide you don't want to be anymore; yes, it might be nice for someone to know, but it's not an obligation.

I have flat-out told someone why I was cutting them off, or have just cut them off without explanation. In both cases, I did not want to be friends with them any longer, there was no way back, but one was no better than the other.

I've done it, I didn't feel great about it but at the time it seemed like the easiest option during a hard time, I was trying to make it difficult for someone who was really awful to me to find me or contact me so I changed my phone and deleted social media, I didn't want to have to explain to people individually what had happened and since I was 150+ miles away I couldn't just pop round and explain.

It's being honest.

Ignoring someone is telling them they are not important, that the friendship you had with them means so little, that you can simply forget about it. Ghosting makes people doubt themselves- 'where we actually friends? Was I just pestering someone?' Really saps your confidence.

The one friend I have dumped, ripped me off to the tune if £2k. I told her that was why. Probably didn't really need to looking back on it ha ha

I've had this happen a couple of times. The most recent was so incredibly painful it has affected my self esteem and confidence. I trusted her and thought we had a genuine and happy friendship. One day I got cut out and I never saw her again. It's incredibly painful. She made me feel like I was nothing. I wish she knew that.

I’ve never ghosted anyone but have certainly let friendships fade. The problem is that people have zero self awareness of their own faults & probably wouldn’t take kindly to having them pointed out. Much easier to fade them out without causing massive offence.

Ghosting isn't great, of course it's not but I suspect in most cases the person being ghosted has completely failed to pick up numerous signs that the other person is not happy in the friendship.

This comes up a lot on MN and without fail posters believe that they'd feel so much better if they only knew what had caused the other person to withdraw. In reality it's very unlikely being told why someone doesn't want to be friends with you anymore would make you feel better at all, I mean it's never going to be "your witty conversation, pleasant company and joy de vivre got on my nerves", is it?

It's far more likely the truth could cause immense hurt and even damage your self esteem. How about:

I dread meeting you because you unload all your woes on me and I go home feeling drained.
Or
We no longer have anything in common and I find you very boring.
Or
There have been a number of things you've said or done which made me realise you're not a person I want to be friends with.

^^ those are reasons why I've withdrawn from friendships though I've never actually cut someone off, more a slow fade tbh.

There is no way to stop being friends with someone that doesn't hurt their feelings, we can all try to tell ourselves the hurt is because of how they ended it ie with no explanation but really what's hurting is the rejection. It's horrible, of course it is but people are not obliged to keep being your friend, nor are they obliged to give you an explanation for why they don't want to be.

I'd burst out laughing if a friend sat me down to 'dump' me. It's a bizarre thing to do. And to me, far more arrogant than just letting a friendship fizzle out.

@jaxhwc I wouldn’t say you’d ghosted them - sounds like you were almost the one being ghosted but after twigging what was going on you made the cut IYSWIM?
Big difference beteeen taking affirmative action to shut down folk you feel you chase to no avail; it’s good for your self esteem if nothing else.
But to me ghosting is when someone you previously really felt close to cools very obviously and shittily meaning you know something isn’t right but the person can’t or - most likely - chooses not to tell you why and you’re left hanging in limbo.

Anyway, as you were

Ignoring someone is telling them they are not important, that the friendship you had with them means so little, that you can simply forget about it. Ghosting makes people doubt themselves- 'where we actually friends? Was I just pestering someone?' Really saps your confidence.

So would being dumped with an explanation. I don't believe that being honest is always best. One of my friends has just been dumped. He was very honest about it and it has devastated her. I don't think there is a moral high ground here, you cut off friends for various reasons and frankly, if it hurts their feelings, there's not much you can do about it other than stay friends, which is what you don't want.

She made me feel like I was nothing.

Funnily enough, this is exactly why I ghosted someone.

I was ghosted by a close friend and didn’t even realise at first!
She stopped answering my messages, my calls went to voicemail and she deleted her fb. I was really worried something awful had happened as couldn’t get hold of her, ended up contacting her husband after a few weeks to see if anything had happened to her and he told me she was fine, and not to worry.
Only then the penny dropped!! And she hadn’t deleted fb…just blocked me.

I have no idea what my crime was. I was really hurt. Mutual friends were baffled and I have no idea to this day what happened.
Then I got angry though, how dare she just cut me out without giving me a chance to defend whatever it is I’ve done, and make me think something bad had happened to her. I know people don’t like confrontation but I think everyone deserves to be heard – at least when you’ve been friends for 15 years, you should get to have an explanation!
Now I am quite numb to it all. She’s made her decision and she’s not willing to talk to me so what can I do? And I suppose now I know she’s capable of dropping people like that without explanation it’s made me think I’m better off without such people in my life.

I have ghosted and have been ghosted. The friend who ghosted me was hard work. E.g. she would put crap up on fb (stuff about how no one could possibly be as tired as mummies) and I'd pull her up on it, politely. She would then answer with a barrage of accusations, how dare I lecture her (ironic) etc. She was also the type that years later would come out with an imagined slight that she hadn't forgiven me for. A good friend at one time but her hypersensitivity and unwillingness to accept any fault tired me out. She ghosted me before I had the chance.

Sometimes friendships just don't work out anymore and both sides have to do what's right for them. My perception of the person she is and hers of me probably aren't right and the truth lies in the middle. Are you my former friend btw LoveGarden..? You sound like her

I have had to. I felt I was being emotionally controlled and a confrontation would have led to a lot of manipulation.
They have zero awareness of how their control made me feel even when I tried to tell them.

I have also done this - once. I didn't feel proud of myself, but the "friend" in question was an extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive person who had the gift of turning even the most reasonable comments and explanations int attacks on herself and making people feel like shit for making them EG she constantly teased an individual about her appearance - (large nose) - and when this girl said "X - please don't make jokes about my nose. I'm really sensitive about it and it really upsets me." , X burst into tears "it's just a joke - can no-one take a joke? I'm just being friendly and teasing you bit. Now you've made me feel horrible! It's not my fault you have a big nose - I was just trying to make you feel better about it etc etc etc", and suddenly it was all about her, and not the person she had repeatedly (and obviously) hurt. More than once one of us had said to X "It's not very kind saying things like that to Y" and just got "Oh ffs - she knows she's got a big conk. She can't think nobody notices."

Courtesy got nowhere. I cut her out of my life and I have never regretted it.

It's a tricky one. For every person that would rather be 'dumped' there's another that would prefer to let things just fade out. Not all friendships last forever. I don't think it's like with a boyfriend where you have to sit down and have 'the talk'

perhaps there needs to be a ghosting guide:

Are they a dick who literally cannot think about anyone but themselves and does not give back at all? ghost

Are they someone who you were once close to/loved but just don’t like that much anymore as you’ve both changed and you wish them well but just CBA? break up chat

I have been ghosted before and it was reaaaally upset, I thought it was a bit pathetic just how upset I was until I read about it once online!

I have also "dumped" a work friend but I did try to put a bit of distance between me and her beforehand to see if that would help but she didn't quite understand it so in the end I just had to tell her!

Im quite a hermit and I couldn't cope anymore I was literally being smothered by her and as I am the building receptionist I could just get up and leave my desk to get away from her. Whereas she would leave her office constantly throughout the day to come into reception and lunch breaks and the train home there was no getting away from her.

I did feel awful doing it but the relief I feel outweighs that.

I've done it once purposefully and once by accident. I walked out of teacher training and simply closed the door on that chapter, the whole thing was a mistake and I just deleted the whole cohort off Facebook. I told a couple of the people I was closer to that I wasn't coming back and wouldn't be in further contact and ignored the one person who tried to message a couple of times as it was someone I really didn't want to engage with.

However, on a more personal scale, I think it's poor form, although I coped with being at an exceptionally low ebb this year by shutting down and retreating until I could cope with people again. Mostly I just kept up contact but put off seeing them until I was better. But one friend messaged on a very bad day and I just fucked up.
I didn't reply to her and then didn't know how to bridge the gap. She didn't message either. The silence grew. We're still fb friends & did happy birthday messages but we haven't really spoken or been in contact. I really don't know how to come back & honestly, I don't think I deserve her forgiveness. It wasn't on purpose but it was shitty and I'm ashamed. People I actually wanted to sever associations with, I would tell them, I think. To avoid future awkwardness.

I've ghosted a couple of times and been ghosted once. It doesn't feel great to be ghosted of course but I agree with pp who point out that being dumped with a clear explanation wouldn't feel great either! And to me it is kinder to fade out as
long as that is what you're doing - rather than slagging the person off to mutual friends etc.

In terms of the people I ghosted - one was a childhood friend who I had actually never liked and one was a work friend who I felt was very competitive about our DCs.

I think you should tell people you've decided not to stay in touch. Even if you don't want to go into the detail of why - you can just say that you don't think that you have enough in common anymore. I've done that a couple of times.

Yes but the problem there PaulHollywoods is that very few people who are dicks actually realise it! So even if you adopted that "rule" the Ghosted will still insist (honestly, in their eyes) that they are a perfectly nice, reasonable person who was a good friend.

I've done it - once. Toddler group friend who was hyper critical of some very bland life choices I'd made. Even calling them life choices is a little too much - more like which way did I drive to the soft play type thing. Anyway, a close friend of mine was seriously ill with cancer and she asked me if I could ask her to do her a favour. The woman who could barely lift her head off the floor and who couldn't look after her children - which she knew, but didn't care. And I thought what a totally selfish arse you are and I don't ever want to talk or see you ever again.

Fine to ghost people who can't take a hint.

Not fine to ghost someone you've been friends with for years who has always given you 100% support but then goes through a traumatic life changing event and needs a little bit in return .

Thomasinaa How is that better? I honestly don't get it, you've not given them an explanation with "we don't have a lot in common anymore", surely the person is left wondering what that means?

Would a friend of 5/10/20 years really respond with Ok, that's fine? I very much doubt it . Surely they will ask what do you mean, have I done something to upset you etc. IMO that still leaves the person ghosted wondering what's wrong with me why, does friend not like me anymore?

I'd far rather ghosting or fading out, at least that allows people to tell themselves it probably wasn't about them, rather there's something going on with the former friend.

I would honestly ghost a 'friend' right now if I could, if it wasn't for the fact that we still work at the same company. We became 'close' when we worked in different departments. Then I was transferred into hers, she sang my praises so likes to take credit for the fact that I got the job, except she also expected me to behave in a certain way as a result and became aggressive when I didn't.

She is intense, negative, high drama, an emotional leech, self-absorbed and very toxic, and I could never confront her and say 'look, this is the reason I don't want to socialise with you anymore' because she would be catty and aggressive against me.

So I have to 'navigate' her moods and waste energy in maintaining an apparent friendship without giving too much of myself, but when I leave the company I will never see her again and she will be slagging me off to others the way she slags others off to me because they don't contact her. I have to bite my tongue, nod and hum, when I really want to ask her 'are you surprised everyone's dumped you?

OP I'm not saying this is your case of course, but sometimes ghosting is really the only way to get rid of someone toxic in our lives without further unnecessary confrontation.

i've ghosted the cheeky cow who gets in touch to say 'hey, how are you doing can you walk my dog/ take my daughter to dance class/ pick my kids up for me' (i think she thinks I am staff tbh) and any time I bump into her I get the requests. I can't be arsed making excuses. She's an entitled cheeky cow.

The other one, is someone i met at ante-natal, felt dreadfully sorry for her as she had horrible crippling PND- hung out with her, after 4 years realised she just was always going to take offence, was going to seek offence, was literally cataloguing slights (real and otherwise) to save up and off load. She only ever wanted to meet me alone (if I saw anyone else and they tagged me on socmedia she'd comment we were 'well overdue a catch up' and then would MOAN at me for an entire night, barely pausing for breath. The babies are 7 now, she's still the same, i don't have time for it, and I am sure that I am the one she now slags off to others.
I've also been ghosted. No idea why, she wont talk to me, has done this in the past to others, it's not my problem to chase her.
Life is too short IMO