To want to throttle the snoring DP on the maternity ward?

[Lilyabelle]

I’m currently staying on a maternity ward in hospital after a truly horrible day having my yet to be born baby’s movements monitored. I’m feeling so sick with worry, exhausted and uncomfortable. All I want is to sleep for a few hours. It’s just me and one other couple in a room with 4 bays. There’s a man snoring away like an absolute beast and I can’t get any rest at all. As I’m not about to give birth or have just given birth I really don’t want to ask to be moved as I don’t feel entirely justified. What makes it worse is this couple have been so Inconsiderate all sodding day, playing films really loudly and talking at such a volume it’s almost like they’re yelling at each other. When I had my first DC I was also kept awake post birth by a snorer but I wasn’t as bothered as I had a beautiful baby to look at all night and the other snorer’s DP had just had a baby themselves. But this warthog - I’m not really sure why he’s here... How do I get through this endless night?!

My DD gave birth a few years ago, and signed herself off the ward at 4am due a man staying with his partner. She's insisting on a home birth for any more - it just isn't right to have men on the wards overnight. Fair enough on delivery suite and in separate rooms, but on a ward it's completely wrong.

I'm so glad I had my children years ago and partners were allowed to visit 9am to 9pm.

Why are people on here so convinced men are all perverts wanting to gawp at the sight of a postnatal woman in her dressing gown? hmm. They just want to support their partner and be there for their newborn.

Years ago a dad was removed for harassing and leering at other mums. It happens. He creeped me out with his constant staring as I was trying to bf my child and yes I was one of the ones that complained.

Everywhere else I have a choice of whom I share my sleeping space with based on sex. I chose either single-sex or better still I chose my own personal sleeping space. Yet the fools who decided on this have given no thought at all to many females who this policy adversely affects.

Afterbirth is one of the times we are at our most vulnerable. Meds wearing off, lack of sleep from long labours, etc. I could go on but we all know what it is like. Then there are the woman who are abused. Who should be given this moment to have a break from her abuser to bond with her baby and hopefully seek help? What chance has she got now?For years she was always given this chance to be alone and I am sure this helped many women escape. This would have also given abused women that moment to escape in their plan, yes this was planned by some abused women to go from the hospital and flee to safety because the abuser never, ever suspects the hospital bag was her fleeing bag.

Allowing men access 24/7 has fucked over so many women it's unbelievable. And I strongly agree with the stance of my own children - you either pay privately to have this privilege or home birth.

Yes, your man is nice etc, but you cannot speak for all men. And that is the problem. Not all men are nice, if they was then DV wouldn't exist.

“Why are people on here so convinced men are all perverts wanting to gawp at the sight of a postnatal woman in her dressing gown? hmm. They just want to support their partner and be there for their newborn“

I don't think all men are perverts, but I do have an issue with partners staying over.

Even the loveliest of men can have a momentary brain fart when they completely take for granted the exhausting, painful and sometimes traumatic experiences some of the patients in these wards will have endured just hours earlier.

For the policy to work, you’d need to be able to guarantee that every man who stayed with his female partner was considerate, polite, put the mothers on the ward above his own needs and wants and was respectful to his partner and midwifery staff. But this can’t be guaranteed as this thread shows, which is why it’s a totally shit policy.

Pleased to hear they have slowed things down.

I've had a thirty weeker and a 28 weeker, the thirty weeker had a much smoother ride. She's five now no real problems, she was in over Christmas (coming up 6 years ago now) with two other thirty weekers. I've kept in touch with both mams and all three are doing really well.

In my area at least (Durham and James Cook on the off chance you are in one of them) you can tour the unit and meet the staff, makes it less of a shock.

Those steroid shots bloody hurt too.

Wishing you luck and hope they stave things off for you.

To go against all these partners on the ward bashing posts - my dh stayed on the transitional ward with me from a few hours after delivery mid morning until early evening the next day, he was very helpful in changing nappies and feeding her the top ups because my milk hadn’t come in. He stayed because he’s a massive worrier and because he wanted to be with his new baby. There were partners with the other new mums in my room, all quiet and helpful seeming. There were patient only toilets and mixed toilets.

We had to return a few days later for two nights due to jaundice, same ward, same room, and he stayed again. I only saw one new mum who didn’t have her partner with her, but only her one twin was with her so possible the father was with the other.

I’d definitely have my husband with me again if I had to stay in in a future delivery.

Some of the other mothers i was on a ward weren't considerate or respectful of the other patients, not just the dads that can be like that.

Thing is when asked in surveys etc most people say they want their DH/DP etc to stay overnight because, bonding, able to help, don’t want to be left alone etc until they’re actually faced with the reality of other peoples partners. This is something hospitals have brought in in response to complaints from women that their partners have been asked to leave.

Sure. But the women on the postnatal ward are the patients, so they sort of have to be there. Plus the more people you put in a room, the greater the chance that one of them will be a dickhead.

And buzz91, just about nobody has suggested it isn't possible for a dad on the ward to be kind and helpful. The problems are that some new mothers will be negatively impacted by the presence of even the kind and helpful ones, and that not all of them are kind and helpful and a few are much worse.

Glad things are slowing down OP. Hang on to your mucus plug!

There’s no need for the father to stay. He isn’t the patient.

I was lucky in that my maternity ward didn't allow overnight visitors but was still properly staffed- the lovely midwife on the night shift took DD with her to the nurses’ bay for a few hours to let me sleep after my 4 day labour, and was quick to respond to buzzers etc. She was fantastic. There was no need for DH to be there, as much as I would have liked the company.

That’s the way it should be for everyone, not just based on what region or hospital you’re in.

It’s not about thinking men are perverts. When I had my first I passed out in pain when I did my first wee and crawled onto the ward in a pool of blood and piss. who wants some random bloke to see that?

Every dad is “worried” about their partner and baby, why does that give them the right to mooch around a maternity ward for 24 hours a day? Nonsense.

Women sleeping (or trying to sleep) on a hospital ward are entitled to do so without strange men on the ward.

If you want your DP to sleep overnight with you on the ward, then book and pay for a private room. It's not fair to inflict your partner on other women. They are entitled to dignity and privacy (and sleep!) at all times, but especially when they are going through something that leaves them fairly vulnerable.

And how many of these women were free to answer?
Women still get fucked over as they are asked with their abuser present and of course they know they cannot disagree with him.

And the ones that aren't in abusive relationships took absolutely no consideration of the effects that having additional people on already cramped wards has. They could have gone with a private room. They could have gone home birth.

I completely agree nibbling.

Even though I was completely terrified when my DH was turfed out after having a very traumatic EMCS first birth, then left to my own devices with a newborn, I completely appreciate why partners are not allowed to stay overnight. Although I'd have liked my partner there, I'd have absolutely hated others there overnight. It shouldn't be allowed at all I don't think.

Hahahaha I still have hw video on my phone if when I had ds earlier this year and I was so angry at the snoring man
Also had one who ate slurpy noodles at 3 am withbwjat sounded like 50 millimetres giant spoons he made so much noise
And of course there was shouty rude entitled woman who pushed the buzzer to shout at a nurse she didn’t have ICE in her water and wanted them to bring her 3 bottles of formula for her baby to save her getting up in the night 🤣
Visitors not allowed past 9pm but a husband let his family in and they couldn’t speak English so the midwives couldn’t get through to them they had to go and itbwas 2 to a bed.....there were 6 people !!!!

Presumably at that time you weren't bleeding, didn't have stitches from your urethra to your arsehole or from your womb out to your bikini line, didn't have a newborn cluster feeding or a lactation assistant giving you assistance with your latch and advice on your cracked nipples, or a MW offering you suppositories for pain relief/constipation relief, or a hundred other small indignities that you'd rather Mr Jones on the other side of the curtain wasn't party to?

My comment was in response to a general comment by another poster that if a man is present on a ward then you basically need a rape whistle. I was just pointing out there are many situations where you are thrust together with men on wards (in children’s wards, in A&E, in ICU etc) and it’s an hysterical approach at best. Really pointing out that it’s not a normal mindset to have.

I have no problem issue if women on maternity wards don’t want men around. Personally none of the above bothers me but again I would appreciate it does bother some women. I can understand some people are ‘funny’ about men knowing/seeing that women bleed after birth, have stitches, that babies need to be breastfed which will involve a boob out here and there etc but implying that the average male is there merely waiting to rape a woman is beyond weird. Sure there may be the odd weirdo (and I can tell you I have come across as many women as men in that category) but that’s what security is for. Easy to have them hoisted when they are a visitor, unfortunately when they are a patient it’s hard all round.

There wasn't any visible security when I was walking to the kitchen during the night. I would have felt very vulnerable in s mixed sex environment.

There is no visible security. If on a ward as a patient, parent, spouse, visitor, and there is someone who is acting inappropriately (be that male or female) then you alert the staff and they deal with it, calling security to come and ‘escort’ the person out. All hospitals have on-site security.

I left hospital earlier than hospital wanted because dh wasn't able to stay overnight at the time and this left me trying to manage one baby with me, another in scubu and very minimal staff support. I was recovering from an emergency c section and paying four star hotel rates to stay in the private room they had given me free for day one. Back in my house I had people to help care for dc and me, ensure I had food and water. I wasn't well enough to manage a breakfast room for breakfast so waited until DH was allowed in. It was ridiculous, perhaps with proper care it would be okay but I imagine dh's can be an invaluable resource to mums today.

Hopping there was no one whatsoever when I was walking to the kitchen at night. The reason the midwife gave for sending men home was security reasons due to their being less staff overnight. If a man was being intimidating I would have needed something loud to alert someone.

I doubt these mixed sex postnatal wards are employing more staff to help make lone women more comfortable. It's a cost cutting measure.

Security gets there pretty quick to the maternity wards, even in the middle of the night at my local hospital. Well, they did when ex-dp was escorted off site at 2am.

Any comparison between postnatal and wards where women might be sleeping when they're not the patient are moot. The two are just not comparable, because you haven't just given birth.

There's half a point in there for women staying on paediatrics with very new babies, as it's possible to be there whilst quite recently delivered, but even then you're going to have been well enough to have been discharged as a patient yourself. And most women staying over on the paediatric ward are not with newborns.

All the people saying it's disgraceful and maternity wards need to be better staffed- please, speak up for that then. Complain. Write to your trust chief exec. Write to your MP. Women are notoriously awful at complaining publicly about what they want and need and until service users make a fuss, nothing gets done. I am a midwife, we can put incident forms in about lack of staff and complain till we are blue in the face but they will not get more staff in unless it's the service users who complain about it.

Because if we want more staff to take the load off us, it's just us being 'lazy'.

Ironically my postnatal ward experiences were much better than the average! I complained about my treatment during one of my births, and they were clearly expecting me to say something about postnatal too, but I was clear that it wasn't the problem.

Good point though.