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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to throttle the snoring DP on the maternity ward?

152 replies

Lilyabelle · 28/08/2018 03:13

I’m currently staying on a maternity ward in hospital after a truly horrible day having my yet to be born baby’s movements monitored. I’m feeling so sick with worry, exhausted and uncomfortable. All I want is to sleep for a few hours. It’s just me and one other couple in a room with 4 bays. There’s a man snoring away like an absolute beast and I can’t get any rest at all. As I’m not about to give birth or have just given birth I really don’t want to ask to be moved as I don’t feel entirely justified. What makes it worse is this couple have been so Inconsiderate all sodding day, playing films really loudly and talking at such a volume it’s almost like they’re yelling at each other. When I had my first DC I was also kept awake post birth by a snorer but I wasn’t as bothered as I had a beautiful baby to look at all night and the other snorer’s DP had just had a baby themselves. But this warthog - I’m not really sure why he’s here... How do I get through this endless night?!

OP posts:
RedPill · 28/08/2018 09:00

@NapQueen and if the women experiences a traumatic birth or complications she is expected to just go or alone without the support of her partner?

I understand some women would prefer men to not be present on wards after the birth, equally a lot of mothers would want their partners with them. Surely hospital should provide the option for mixed and single sex wards

SuburbanRhonda · 28/08/2018 09:00

Men sleeping on the maternity wards?

Makes you long for the days when expectant fathers were in the pub during the birth Grin

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 09:03

They might not be only concerned about looking after their baby, I'm assuming they aren't DBS checked, from my point of view I have no idea who they are or what they are like. Loads of women have babies in abusive relationships and I would not want to be potentially exposed to men like that when in a vulnerable position.

Thehop · 28/08/2018 09:06

I feel so sorry for you. When I had dd 2 years ago my hospital was mixed pre and post natal wards and 24 hour visiting.

The twats opposite we’re in for monitoring and, at midnight, pit music on and ordered a dominoes. I’d just had an emcs after 5 days of labour. It was hideous x

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 28/08/2018 09:06

The thing with hospitals providing the option for mixed and single sex wards is that it sounds great, but it requires there to be quite a bit of spare capacity built into the system in order to allow for this choice. Meaning it's obviously not going to happen.

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 09:06

The move to let partners stay is disgusting and totally removes womens privacy.
In no other ward comtext would this be appropriate.
Compain and make them move him, or at least give you a private room. That mother is selfish also, she should make him go home not keep others awake.
Cannot explain how strongly against this i am. Dads should go home after the birth and leave women to recover.

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 09:10

Also think that unless in extreme circumstances eg babies or mum very ill then you should pay privately for a man to stay, using extra resources.
The right of all women to feel safe is greater than the right of some women to want their partner there. Noone should have to cope with breastfeeding and vaginal bleeding just a curtain away from a man.

sleepsleepandmoresleep · 28/08/2018 09:15

Hope you're getting on ok OP. If I was his wife I'd be giving him a shove and telling him to shush!!

The problem is that the midwives are so badly overstretched. When I had DD two years ago I was alone on night one when I was on the observation ward after an awful 3 day labour that left me bed bound and very poorly. The next day I moved to the normal ward and DH came in at 9am for visiting, he then didn't leave for five days until me and baby did. Basically I needed so much help, and the midwives didn't have time to give it so it was easier for him to stay and help. They did move us to a private room though and I know he did his best to keep out of everyone else's way.

Easy to say send them home but what are women supposed to do when they are literally unable to get up/move around/care for baby or themselves and there are hour or more long delays for midwives to come and help when you buzz? Just leave them to fend for themselves? No men shouldn't make disturbances for women or babies but until the NHS is better staffed and there are more midwives with time to actually help mums then I don't see what the other option is.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 28/08/2018 09:17

Well said onetime The idea of strange men wandering around is horrendous to me. I’d have to discharge myself if a separate space couldn’t be found. No one needing medical care should be put in that position to accommodate someone who doesn’t.

Hope you are ok op.

Pandamodium · 28/08/2018 09:19

Oh how scary for you I hope they can stop things.

There's a Facebook group called "parents of preemies support uk" that's very supportive, there will be women in/who have been in your situation.

I hope he/she stays put a bit longer for you.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 09:19

Maybe a personal attack alarm will be added to the what to take to hospital list.

Theweasleytwins · 28/08/2018 09:19

Partners were allowed on the ward when i had dt- not allowed to sleep in the beds just the chairs beside us which was invaluable with newborn twins😅😅

There was a lovely friendly African lady- lovely and friendly in the day but snored like a train as night😭

Frogscotch7 · 28/08/2018 09:21

I’d have given the baby a poke.

Hope your baby is still safe inside.

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 09:22

Quite snuggy.
Not sure if you are being obtuse but my complaint is about the lack of comfort and privacy, not seeing all men as rapists.
However, given DV ramps up in pregnancy, how are abused wonen going to ask for help when husbands never leave the bedside?

BackToTheFuschia7 · 28/08/2018 09:24

The thing is sleep that could be said of any ward, most people in hospital are either recovering from surgery or very unwell. I’m sure they would all like to have their partner there for help and support but it isn’t permitted. We also have single sex wards for very good reasons. I can’t help wondering whether the rule is waived on maternity wards because only women are affected.

troodiedoo · 28/08/2018 09:25

feel for you. I had the exact same thing on the induction ward. boorish oaf.

sleepsleepandmoresleep · 28/08/2018 09:26

Yes @BackToTheFuschia7 but on no other ward do you have a newborn to care for as well as yourself. If you're just (I say 'just' it's still unpleasant) recovering from an illness or operation on any other ward you only have to look after yourself.

NapQueen · 28/08/2018 09:30

Sleep then maybe what we need to do is focus on arguing for increased staffing on maternity wards. Not just "ah let the men in".

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 28/08/2018 09:30

There's also the concern that having a partner goes from being permitted to becoming the expectation, thus acting as a reason to reduce staffing levels even further. That's bad for all of us overall but particularly women who don't have anyone to come and stay with them.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 09:33

It's also a pretty convenient excuse to save money on proper staff. All the mums without chaperones will just have to suck it up.

MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni · 28/08/2018 09:34

And honestly, if you've just had a complex birth, you need looking after by people with medical training.

user1471426142 · 28/08/2018 09:37

It is allowed at my hospital and I was glad of it but there is a long tick list of rules and men have to sign something to basically say if they’re a pain they have to go. The midwives also seemed to encourage men to go home if possible to get a better night’s sleep. My husband did go home but I’m gladness he was able to come in as I callled him in tears at 3am one night because I was struggling to feed the baby all night and the midwives were being snarky and not helping (while being v dismissive of my concerns). Unfortunately post natal care is often so shite that partners become needed rather than optional.

sleepsleepandmoresleep · 28/08/2018 09:38

@NapQueen I completely agree! There should be no need for men to be there to help at all. I don't agree with men being there overnight just because they fancy it (or Mum does).

Sadly, the way the maternity wards are at the moment, there is a need for some of them to be there and women who need the help shouldn't be left to suffer on their own because of that.

tessica2 · 28/08/2018 09:38

It's not just about the medical care though....I had countless people in and out all night changing drips and medication and taking blood

What I needed help with was knowing there was someone that could pick up my daughter and hold her and help me to hold her and be comfort when she cried and I couldn't move. When my husband Went home for the night and I asked for help I was not given it as the midwife couldn't stay with me because she was overseeing others

Someone on my ward had her Mum there all the time as her partner was working away, should she also not have been allowed?

dinosaurkisses · 28/08/2018 09:50

Men weren’t allowed to stay overnight in my hospital when I had DD last year, which I was so grateful for.

Mainly because although I know that DH would have been considerate in keeping quiet and respecting other people’s privacy like most other normal people, all you need is one tithead in a bay of six beds to disrupt the entire ward all night.

The midwives took no shit either- there was a partner who just would. not. leave. The midwife came over an hour after visiting finished and gave him a loud dressing down saying he was interfering with the actual patients’ night time routine and chased him out. She actually prioritised the women on the ward and I sent a compliments card in about her when I was discharged.