To want to throttle the snoring DP on the maternity ward?

[Lilyabelle]

I’m currently staying on a maternity ward in hospital after a truly horrible day having my yet to be born baby’s movements monitored. I’m feeling so sick with worry, exhausted and uncomfortable. All I want is to sleep for a few hours. It’s just me and one other couple in a room with 4 bays. There’s a man snoring away like an absolute beast and I can’t get any rest at all. As I’m not about to give birth or have just given birth I really don’t want to ask to be moved as I don’t feel entirely justified. What makes it worse is this couple have been so Inconsiderate all sodding day, playing films really loudly and talking at such a volume it’s almost like they’re yelling at each other. When I had my first DC I was also kept awake post birth by a snorer but I wasn’t as bothered as I had a beautiful baby to look at all night and the other snorer’s DP had just had a baby themselves. But this warthog - I’m not really sure why he’s here... How do I get through this endless night?!

I'm so thankful I had my first baby 30 years ago when visiting hours were restricted, giving us time to receive medical and midwifery care and recover in peace and privacy. Can't imagine how shit it must be having to stay on a maternity ward nowadays.
Hope all goes well for you and your baby, OP

I'm so glad I'll never have to do this again. Partners should absolutely not be allowed to stay overnight. Yes it is hard, and I hated it when DP left. But the other women's medical needs trumped that.

Again though, help with the baby is help that could've been provided by trained staff who know what they're doing.

Re mums, some people don't object to a female partner or relative staying. That does remove some of the problems that relate specifically to males, but still leaves issues with space and resources.

Again though @MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni I'm telling you that help wasn't provided by trained medical professionals who knew what they were doing, not in my case. There was literally an hour plus wait for someone to come and help you when you buzzed. This wasn't lazy HCPs, they were run bloody ragged.

That's no good if you're bedbound and your catheter bag is full, or you start bleeding heavily again when you've already had a PPH and a blood transfusion, or your painkillers have run out and you're overdue and in agony, or your baby is screaming hungry and you can't get to them or they've pooed everywhere.

The answer is not men on maternity wards, the answer is better staffed maternity wards to remove the need. However in the absence of that, I'd take my DH being there if I needed him to be.

Morning all, wow, what lovely kind messages of support were waiting for me! Ahh, it made me feel so much better. And super interesting to hear other people’s opinions on men on the wards and experiences. I was also greatly reassured by people sharing their stories of premature births and I was so happy to hear of the flourishing and thriving preemies! I haven’t been able to read everyone’s responses yet but they are all so gratefully received and when my head is in the right place I’ll read them all properly. Just a quick update - I have been given some medication to halt the contractions and was given the first of two steroid injections to help the baby’s lungs develop in case I do deliver early. So far so good. The contractions have calmed right down and I’m back on the antenatal ward. So relieved as they were talking about moving me to another hospital. It’s actually a little quieter here now than it was last night! Typical! Anyway, I’ve got an urgent scan this afternoon so hopefully that will be more positive news... Thanks again for everyone’s posts - being here alone and frightened is horrible but it’s lovely to have a support network such as Mumsnet rooting for you!

I’m glad you’re being looked after and your LO is staying put for now.

On the subject of men staying overnight it was allowed for both of my babies. First time round dh couldn’t see the point and didn’t want to stay which was fine by me but he did stay this time around and given that I was in lots of pain he was good at chasing up pain relief. I don’t really think it’s fair on all women but I’m not going to personally make a stand if I’m faced with the opportunity of having an extra pair of hands.

The issue as I see it sleep is the very real possibility that more partners staying over reduces access to medical staff for women and babies that need it even more. Both in numbers, and because women who don't have someone there to make a fuss on their behalves will be at a disadvantage in getting staff attention.

None of this is a comment on the choices individual women might've made, especially in extremis. It appears we agree about the appropriate solution to the issue. You deserved trained medical staff if either you or baby were unwell enough to be in postnatal, not an untrained partner bet your husband is a paediatrician now I've said that. You should've had them.

Haha no @MingeUterusMingeMingeYoni he's not a paediatrician, he's an engineer (and was a panicked, sleep deprived first time dad who'd just witnessed a horrible birth and was desperately worried about me). Like I would imagine most Dads who are staying are or similar anyway. Truly would any of them stay just because it's fun? I guess you might have a handful of men who want to stay and there's no real need - or more worryingly they may be abusive or controlling - but surely the vast majority of sensible men would want to get home of a night and get some rest so that they can be useful the next day. I think if men want to stay just because 'it's nice' then they should be paying for a private room tbh.

Let's hope for a positive change in the future, the NHS is really struggling and our local maternity ward (which is at a very large and well known hospital) is just constantly packed out. The other local hospital has been recently been downgraded to an mlu only so the one I'm going to basically have had to pick up the slack on every single non low risk birth.

I'm having my second child by planned section next week and want DH to be at home every night that I'm kept in to keep some sort of normality at home for DD plus I'd rather he rested properly. However if I end up in another very poor situation he will stay and help again and my mum will stay with DD. I do feel bad that other women may not like that (and I will be paying for a private room if I'm not offered one on medical need if that's the case) and I do also feel bad that others may feel disadvantaged by it. However, needs must and right after birth is when I'm at my most vulnerable is not the time to be making a stand on a point of principle.

@BarrackerBarmer plenty of posters have said that partners have been allowed to stay on maternity wards, it's not unusual these days - are they not entitled to be with their newborn baby too? It wasn't the done thing when i has my first two but I went in for induction on Thursday with my third and partner was allowed to stay (it went quickly for me and I had given birth within a few hours so he couldn't leave regardless but partners were allowed on antenatal/midwife led and consultant led maternity wards over night.

To be fair at my hospital labour and over night after birth were in a private room anyway so me and DP were alone. But I hate all of this "strange men" and can't possibly walk to kitchen in nightie because of said "strange men" - people need to get a grip! And women can snore just like men!!

There's a man on your maternity ward?!
This is a breach, and you absolutely are entitled to complain. The NHS are supposed to fine ward breaches.

This is absolutely incorrect. The majority of Trusts allow partners to stay overnight on maternity wards.

I'm a midwife. In my Trust partners can stay on delivery suite, and for the first night on the postnatal ward. They sign an agreement, and we will happily remove them if they break it. On ante-natal we'll only allow them to stay if their partner is likely to go into active labour overnight. We have women attending for IOL at various times of the day, and we almost always encourage partners to go home as it can take forever to get going and they'll be no use to their partner after a night failing to sleep in a crap chair.

Still a disgusting policy though pingu, and yes you may remove them but sadly women feeling uncomfortable at the most uncomfortable time in their lives isnt rnough, as usual, mens needs trump womens.
A blanket rule of 'no way' would not make it an option. Bloody ridiculous.
How about i turn up at a male urology ward later and bunk up behind a curtain whilst poorly tired men struggle around after prostate surgery and with no pants due to catheters.
I would even snore, use ward facilities such as sinks, bins and toilets, make myself drinks as well. Dont worry it will be on a chair.
Appropriate?
Thought not. Fuck that.

What about Muslim women's cultural needs? The hospital where I had DD was near a predominantly Muslim part of town so I am guessing that's why the men had to go home at night.

I feel your pain. I was in hospital with severe pre-eclampsia for FIVE weeks. The mother opposite me was a drug addict and had visitors coming in and being disruptive. I had to text my mum to call the police once.
It was horrible.
Speak to the ward staff. Explain how you feel, you are in hospital for a reason!
Also recommend bio-ears ear plugs and a decent eye mask. Hopefully these would help you xx

When I had DD partners weren't allowed overnight. Initially I was upset that DH would have to go as I was traumatised after a horrendous three day labour but ultimately it was a good thing as some of the men were so bloody rude and inconsiderate it was stressful enough having them there in the day.
There was the man making very shouty, sweary work related phonecalls for hours on end, there was the man who spent so long taking (hideously foul smelling) shits in the ward toilet that by the time he got out there would be a queue of women waiting, and the man who thought it was appropriate to deliver a very loud monologue to his partner about how he was so glad she went drug free because women who have epidurals are "weak" and " selfish"...I had just had an epidural and DH wanted to punch him
So as much as I would have liked DH there, it was such a relief when all these twats for kicked out each evening.

They shouldn't use ward toilets, that's awful. I'd be pretty angry if I'd pissed myself because a man was having a long indulgent shit.

Had 4 DCs all by C Section (MEDICAL issue, Im not too posh to push) and not once did my DH stay with us , granted though my youngest is now 15.

Is this a new thing ??

This is one of my dreads about having to go into hospital - not for me but for other people I snore like an absolute drain!

I apologise in advance for anyone being stuck on the same ward as me

But in response to your question no I dont think YABU as he is not a patient.

Ugh, I’m glad DHs aren’t allowed overnight on the ward (only in private rooms).

When I had DS2 there was a very loud new mum whose very loud DP and very loud family all came over so they could all talk over Xfactor which they were watching very fucking loudly. If it had gone on into the night I’d have waddled over and smacked someone, sore labia be damned.

Oh please speak to staff. You don’t need to be more stressed out with that .

Good luck

Good Luck! Hope little one decides they are comfortable for a few more weeks!

My husband stayed with me overnight whilst I was in hospital. Although by a stroke of luck we were given a side room so it was relatively peaceful. Visitors and who stays does seem to differ massively between hospitals, we had lots of confusion staff telling us different things, it was very frustrating and one of the main reasons why I would want a home birth next time

YANBU. I don’t think men should be allowed to stay overnight on the ward either

OP firstly hope all is well, drugs are working and you are getting some peace. A friend of my husbands had two babies at 28 weeks and both healthy, I think you are in the right place, have the right drugs etc etc. Another friend has the contractions, drugs etc and baby was almost induced at 42 weeks so hopefully that’s the outcome for you ( though 40 weeks not 42 obvs!)

Men on wards: I’ve had two children in two different hospitals, neither allowed men to stay overnight. So glad of this. It was bad enough during visiting hours being absolutely knackered and trying to sleep whilst noisy, inconsiderate people trailed in an out. It’s bloody awful.
It’s hot and noisy enough with the people who are supposed to be there. Babies who have just been born and poor mums who’ve just given birth and desperately need some sleep.

I hope you get the all clear to go home soon OP. Definitely get some ear plugs if not and good luck

No visitors were allowed overnight on the postnatal ward where I was last week, and I'm bloody relieved. The couple in the cubicle next door were utter boors - nicked all the chairs to push the curtains back and maximise space such that I couldn't get out of bed without treading on his toes. Sat there all day with the curtains open and at least two visitors, making comments about the other mums 'oh she's got that bloody pump going again. Why doesn't she just give it a bottle?', and he watched you every time you went to the loo and asked 'how's it going? Had the dreaded poo yet?'

If he'd stayed overnight I'd have strangled him with the breast pump cord.

On the other hand I had to be induced and labour on the post natal ward too due to overcrowding, and they wanted to send my birth partner home right as the pessary started to kick in. I did kick up a fuss at the idea of labouring alone in the dark, and they agreed to let her stay. Bloody good job, as 3 hrs later I was pushing!