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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to throttle the snoring DP on the maternity ward?

152 replies

Lilyabelle · 28/08/2018 03:13

I’m currently staying on a maternity ward in hospital after a truly horrible day having my yet to be born baby’s movements monitored. I’m feeling so sick with worry, exhausted and uncomfortable. All I want is to sleep for a few hours. It’s just me and one other couple in a room with 4 bays. There’s a man snoring away like an absolute beast and I can’t get any rest at all. As I’m not about to give birth or have just given birth I really don’t want to ask to be moved as I don’t feel entirely justified. What makes it worse is this couple have been so Inconsiderate all sodding day, playing films really loudly and talking at such a volume it’s almost like they’re yelling at each other. When I had my first DC I was also kept awake post birth by a snorer but I wasn’t as bothered as I had a beautiful baby to look at all night and the other snorer’s DP had just had a baby themselves. But this warthog - I’m not really sure why he’s here... How do I get through this endless night?!

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 28/08/2018 13:52

I had a v traumatic labour, delivery, emcs, pph and all in the middle of the night. DH was sent home immediately after I got out of surgery and I looked after the baby on my own. Even after all that there is NO way I'm pro partners staying overnight. After having dc2, the young woman (17) opposite had an abusive older partner. I heard him cajoling for sexual favours, swearing at the mother of his child and he followed me into the day room and made a sexual comment to me. This was in the middle of the day. No fucking way should a woman be exposed to that overnight. I complained about him and he had to be removed by security in the end.

Good luck op. May your baby stay right where they are for the foreseeable.

noeffingidea · 28/08/2018 14:01

are they (partners) not entitled to be with their newborn babies too?
Of course they're not entitled to stay in a hospital ward overnight. Why should they be? Hospitals are there for patients, and partners aren't patients.

Bobbiepin · 28/08/2018 14:12

I had the same on a postnatal ward. The man was a prick. Kept shouting at his partner when the baby woke up rather than getting up himself. She'd had a c section and needed 2 midwives to help her walk to the toilet. He woke up every baby on the ward.

Hope you and baby are ok OP Flowers

PrimalLass · 28/08/2018 14:18

are they not entitled to be with their newborn baby too?

No I don't think the rights of a man/dad trump those of other women on the ward. It's a medical facility.

nibblingandbiting · 28/08/2018 14:24

My dc's have all decided that they are either going private or home births and are saving and paying into private medical insurance for this in case they/their partners cannot home birth.
They are doing this because they don't agree with this policy and don't understand if the bonding thing in the first 24 hours is so important then why don't they home birth rather than making other patients uncomfortable?
One of my dd's was on a mixed ward and she couldn't wait to get out, she didn't sleep, she was on the phone to me all night. She was terrified and made her concerns known before they kept her in and her reasons why. Even during the night, she was asking to be moved.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 14:27

When my DM was younger she signed herself out of hospital with a head injury after being put on a mixed ward overnight. She got away with it luckily but it could have been very dangerous.

Underhisi · 28/08/2018 14:37

I don't think men should be allowed to stay overnight on postnatal wards unless it is a private/side room with individual facilities. Sometimes an adult will have a carer stay with them overnight on other wards but this would usually be in an individual room.

EwItsAHooman · 28/08/2018 14:40

are they not entitled to be with their newborn baby too?

They have the whole rest of their life to be with their baby, not seeing it between 9pm and 7am for his/her first few nights isn't going to permanently damage their relationship.

Partners (male and female) should not be allowed to stay overnight. Some partners are lovely, granted, but others are not. Sometimes that un-loveliness is mildly annoying habits or snoring or speaking too loudly in the nights, other times it could be abusive behaviour, sexual behaviour, violence, drugs, alcohol. And then their presence is used as an excuse to cut staffing numbers even further as they fill the gaps in care.

DrunkUnicorn · 28/08/2018 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoppingPavlova · 28/08/2018 15:00

Maybe a personal attack alarm will be added to the what to take to hospital list.

WTAF?
One of my kids has been a frequent flyer with long admissions. A parent sleeps overnight next to each kid on the ward. Many is the time I have slept on a ward with men. Generally the configuration of patient beds is such that the visitor chair that becomes a pull out beds are seperated from each other by around 30cm. So essentially you are sleeping next to a man who is 30cm away separated by a curtain between you as you pull these across during the night. Not once did I assume the parents sleeping over on wards who happened to be men were rampant rapists and that I needed some sort of attack alarm. How very odd.

Funnily the men always tended to wear things like trakkie pants and t-shirts to bed whereas the women always wore PJ’s to bed. In this situation, I never once heard a woman complain that they had to share a room with men.

Personally it wouldn’t worry me sharing a wardwith men as a patient whether on a maternity ward, surgical ward etc but each to their own and I appreciate everyone is different in this regard. I used to work in A&E and I can tell you some people did complain. A lot. And cause a lot of unecessary drama with curtains. How they thought a single sex A&E could be arranged used to blow my mind but that was the least of my worries there. I could say that if you are sick enough to be in A&E your care factor regarding this sort of thing should be pretty low but ......

ChangerChangerson · 28/08/2018 15:10

I feel your pain. I had the man from hell coming to visit the woman in the bed next to me when I had my DD. Spoke to her like absolute crap and, from what I could see, wasn't helping her much. He also repeatedly walked into my cubicle space by just pushing my curtain inwards, almost every time knocking my wheel up crib with baby in just because he was too lazy to be careful & he didn't give a shit.

Some visitors are horrendous but seem to get away with it.

EwItsAHooman · 28/08/2018 15:11

A parent sleeps overnight next to each kid on the ward. Many is the time I have slept on a ward with men.

Presumably at that time you weren't bleeding, didn't have stitches from your urethra to your arsehole or from your womb out to your bikini line, didn't have a newborn cluster feeding or a lactation assistant giving you assistance with your latch and advice on your cracked nipples, or a MW offering you suppositories for pain relief/constipation relief, or a hundred other small indignities that you'd rather Mr Jones on the other side of the curtain wasn't party to?

EwItsAHooman · 28/08/2018 15:14

Generally, in my experience at least, there seems to be a little bit more space on children's wards for various reasons (e.g., cots and paediatric beds take up less floor space) so there is slightly more room for parents to stay over, plus children need an adult with them for safeguarding, whereas postnatal wards have less space, bigger beds, and a cot beside each bed, and everyone there is an adult, exceptional circumstances aside they do not need a second adult there.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 28/08/2018 15:22

I would not stay on a postnatal ward with strange men. I have ptsd, I struggle to sleep in environments I feel "safe" in and the thought of waking up to hear male voices is enough to make me feel sick.

After dc1 was born (emcs, nicu stay, mental breakdown), having dh's support in hospital would have been wonderful but not at the expense of other women. With dc2, I got a private room, if I hadn't, I would have been discharging myself the same day as my 2nd emergency section as in the intervening 3 years, partners can now stay on the wards (and seem to be allowed to use the toilet etc...).

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 15:22

I would feel very vulnerable sleeping 30cm away from a strange man at the best of times.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 15:23

Posted too soon

Wouldn't it be more appropriate for them to camp in the dayroom?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 28/08/2018 15:40

I understand that some women want their partners there for support, but if he's snoring his head off he's not being much help, is he?

LeftRightCentre · 28/08/2018 16:08

I am so glad it was no partners overnight.

LeftRightCentre · 28/08/2018 16:09

when I had my children.

OutPinked · 28/08/2018 16:12

I self-discharged after having DC2 because I couldn’t face being stuck on the ward without exH again as I was the first time. I had traumatic deliveries and was incredibly weak, to the extent getting out of bed unaided to use the loo or get DD was impossible. Midwives were there but they were stretched and I didn’t want to constantly be asking them for help. I wanted my bloody husband! I felt like shit and shouldn’t really have discharged myself in such a state but it was preferable to the alternative.

Why are people on here so convinced men are all perverts wanting to gawp at the sight of a postnatal woman in her dressing gown? Hmm. They just want to support their partner and be there for their newborn.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 16:15

It's not that we think all men are perverts, we don't know which men are a risk so it's natural to have an amount of anxiety towards men and not want them in female spaces.

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 16:18

I never once suggested they are all perverts, of course they aren't. Doesn't mean women should have to walk around bleeding and with leaking breasts to the toilet and nurses station without privacy though. And you wouldn't share a mixed sex dormitory anywhere else.
I have seen men laid on the woman's bed and sharing her food.
One day, a woman will be assaulted or worse, or a staff member injured, as a result of this policy. Hopefully, then, the whole thing will be revoked for the farce that it is.
I can't see any reason for men being allowed their wives to stay over. I do believe some of the basis for this is the patriarchal expectation that women are not to be cared for, but to be the carers. The total lack of staffing and postnatal care is a disgrace and would not be tolerated on any other ward.

LeftRightCentre · 28/08/2018 16:24

Why are people on here so convinced men are all perverts wanting to gawp at the sight of a postnatal woman in her dressing gown? hmm. They just want to support their partner and be there for their newborn.

The sad truth is that a lot of them don't support the partner or be there for the newborn. You have only to look at the Relationships board to see how many procreate with downright abusers.

What about the right to privacy for mothers who may have been victims of abuse or rape, whose religious beliefs might be compromised by having strange men sleeping with them in a ward, who want to sleep without strange men around?

onetimeposter · 28/08/2018 16:25

Plus, facilities are not designed for double the amount of occupants. Here, bays have 4 beds. The whole layout is for 4 patients. Not 8. 8 means overcrowding, and ultimately an infection control issue, and safety issue in the case of evacuations.
I remember the husband of the woman next door make the same phone call to bloody millions of people, how it'd been a c section, what the weight and name were. I get you're happy, but there's a day room for that.
In our hospital the breakfast room was taken up by couples eating toast. How off putting for a single mum with a baby, or someone scared of leaking blood or urine. Where is the privacy to get your sore breasts out and feed a baby who hasn't yet learned how to grasp the nipple?
What about trying to get up when lochia pours out, or hobbling because of episiotomy stitches. What about when you are being examined by a doctor and the midwife or auxillary pops her head round (because curtains gape)? What about when you are trying to talk about vaginal health and bowel movements? Who the hell wants to do that in front of potentially 3 husbands?

noeffingidea · 28/08/2018 16:28

Outpinked I can only speak for myself here. I don't make any assumptions about other people's partners, however I do think hospital patients are entitled to privacy, and as much peace and quiet as possible so that they can recover. That isn't really possible when there are extra people on the ward 24/7, especially on a maternity ward where most women might feel they need more privacy, not less.
Of course there should be sufficient staff to help patients who need it, that goes without saying, but anyone who feels they need the support of their partner over and above that should consider private care, in my opinion.
When I had my first baby in 1988 (my only hospital stay) this really wasn't an issue. Visiting hours were restricted, rounds and personal care were done in the morning before visiting , there were enough midwives to help with care of the babies, and if you felt tired they'd even look after them for an hour or so while you had a nap. Thats the way it should be, in my opinion, and I say that as someone who has been both a patient and an HCP.