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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

373 replies

Ivygarden · 27/08/2018 20:50

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

OP posts:
Misty9 · 28/08/2018 14:11

Oh I recognise this situation so well OP! From the dynamic you describe, all you can do is look after your own emotional well-being - get dh on side and share how you're feeling. He might say I told you so but hopefully he'll be a source of support for you (and if not, that's an issue...). But mostly, don't expose yourself to these situations and politely decline to do this holiday again. Do your family live far away? As in, can you not pop to see each other easily? Mine do, and so the only way we can see each other is for more than a couple of days. I clash with my brother particularly on parenting styles and my nephews sound very similar to yours! A friend said there's nowt you can do when it's parenting clashes as the subject is too emotive to discuss. I also agree they are forcing you into a specific role and even if you try to change this, they have to want to change it too.

Go home on Thursday. Good compromise. Or when your dh does. Flowers it sucks feeling this way, I can empathise.

MyNameIsNotRachel · 28/08/2018 14:21

Oh I'd be packing now wouldn't care if kids were enjoying it or not the CFs the lot of them

HighsandLows77 · 28/08/2018 14:34

OP life’s too short, i would pack my things put the children in the car and drive home. It’s a blessing you drive on your own in your car.

I wouldn’t be able to handle your sister or mum.

emmyrose2000 · 28/08/2018 14:54

I'd have packed and been in the car before they even came in from the garden

Me too. It's ridiculous that you've continued to stay on (this long).

It's not doing your son any favours to be influenced by his cousin this way either.

Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 14:56

Right so I’ve told my DH and he wants me to confront them and says I should go home with him this evening. I’m really pleased that he’s been kind and sympathetic as that’s not his normal default.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 14:59

Still here because DH has come down for the day so determined to enjoy today. Will choose a time to confront DM and DSis and tell them exactly how I’m feeling.

OP posts:
MessySoprano · 28/08/2018 15:01

Go home with your DH, OP. You're already dashing like a madwoman about trying to do five things at once to prove you're not lazy, when it's very clear from your posts exactly how the roles have been allotted on this supposed 'holiday', which sounds absolutely joyless.

Imagine the joy of hanging out laundry or going to see to a child or going to the loo in your own house knowing that you can leave the last few dishes on the counter for ten minutes without someone sighing, muttering and loading the dishwasher and then going off to complain about how lazy and slapdash you are.

And don't go on holiday with them next year. You'd have a better time banging your head against your bathroom wall.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/08/2018 15:08

Put the kettle on, shout out "Anyone want a coffee/tea as I've put the kettle on?". If they show up, then sit them down and tell them how they are making you feel. Tell them not to interrupt you while you're saying what you need to say and then tell them that you're going home tonight with your DH as you've never been made feel more unwelcome at a family holiday as you have on this one. You didn't ask for your DSis to help with your DD, and bitching about it after the fact when you didn't ask for her help is unfair.

Best of luck to you! (keep us posted on how you get on).

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/08/2018 15:09

Fair enough op. I suggest you get back to the holiday place, pack up, have it out with DM/DSis, then make a rapid escape with DH. #planning

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/08/2018 15:12

Oh, and don't panic if your clothes are packed while they are wet/damp. They're your clothes and you're able to re-wash them (if they need it) when you get back to your home. Don't let them steer that conversation either "Oh Ivygarden, you can't pack wet clothes they'll go mouldy". Just take them in from the line and pack up.

prettywhiteguitar · 28/08/2018 15:14

Ahh I would not even bother speaking to them ! What’s the point? There will just be an argument in front of the kids, I wouldn’t waste your breath !

Just say thanks you’ve had a lovely time, roll your eyes or whatever but don’t confront them, they will just bring up these false allegations and then what ?? They sound like they’re picking on you so leave them to it.

Good for your dh !

BewareOfDragons · 28/08/2018 15:23

Stop waiting to confront them! They've now lied to your dad about you, too!

They have set you up to fail.

Even though you're not failing.

They have set you up to fail. You do your share. You are willing to do your share. They have some imaginary 'schedule' that they expect you to do it on ... but that's not your problem. That's their problem. But it's designed to make you look bad and like you've failed.

Tell them to fuck off.

And go home with your DH after enjoying a nice day out with your children. Let your sister entertain her own kid and not expect your son to entertain him for her by playing with him ... which is happening, too, but she' doesn't admit that now, does she? Of course not. Especially since her son plays poorly and yours doesn't.

FFS, stand up for yourself and get out of there!

CripsSandwiches · 28/08/2018 15:28

Agree with others about packing in advance, maybe plan something fun for the kids to do at home so you can see "hey good news we're going home a little early so we can visit the farm/soft play/legoland/whatever"

Blondielongie · 28/08/2018 15:30

They are awful Op. Good luck confronting them.

They are bullying you. They are treating you like they don't want you there, but probably actually love having you there to pick on and humiliate. They are nasty. I'd add in that another reason why you are leaving is because ds is never so badly behaved and nnep is a bad influence and dsis is encouraging the behavior.

I would consider minimum contact with them following this too. They sound horrendous.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/08/2018 15:31

This is not a holiday You're hostages!
Go home and enjoy the rest of the time having fun
Put her straight before you leave

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 15:32

I would just go home, keep explanations simple, and deal with it later. Did DH get train so you can all drive together?

KeneftYakimoski · 28/08/2018 15:36

Right so I’ve told my DH and he wants me to confront them and says I should go home with him this evening.

There's no point in a confrontation with them against you, and your husband not party to what's been going on. It'll be a shit show, with the gas lighting at full power. Just calmly say you're not enjoying the holiday, you don't feel welcome, and you're going home. And do so.

I'd have said that "My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car" was the killer warning sign: whatever the logistic reasons, it makes it pretty clear that it's their holiday with you along as scapegoat.

Hissy · 28/08/2018 15:37

PLEASE tell us you are going back with DH?
Just enjoy your day with H and then pack up and leave.

You owe them precisely FUCK ALL!

Tinkobell · 28/08/2018 15:38

Get the bags packed up quickly and quietly. Start the engine, tell em you're leaving and what you over heard - say you feel hen pecked and emotionally rundown by them. Then go. Don't do this holiday again.

butterfly56 · 28/08/2018 15:38

Your S is a total control freak and a bully and a thoroughly nasty piece of work.
Go home with your DH and don't entertain staying another night with these awful people! They're dysfunctional together and best to leave leave them to it!
Been in similar situations years ago when my M was the same with my S. Always having a dig or trying to cause trouble.
It was not worth the emotional and physical stress of it all.
It's far better to stay well away from them if you can OP as they will eat away at you self esteem and just make you feel even worse.

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 28/08/2018 15:39

So glad your DH is being supportive. Your family really have you labelled as the lazy one and your sister as being the hero. Put your foot down and head home.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 28/08/2018 15:45

You need to leave with your dh your family really are treating you like shit
Just leave.

Cloudyapples · 28/08/2018 15:47

Your dh is right - don’t waste your week in a miserable holiday when you can go home and still do plenty of fun things with your dc there.

Handsfull13 · 28/08/2018 15:53

So glad your DH is backing you and giving you an out to leave today.

I'd tell them that all those things they take over and blame you for doing aren't actually helpful. If they don't give you a chance to do it they can't loan you haven't done it.

Tell your sister your capable of managing your children and maybe she should focus on her own one.
Shame it's too late but I'd have told her when she got back with the pram that you wish she'd told you she was going to do that as you'd have said no as it's now ruined your nap plans.

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 16:00

As a couple it can be painful but useful to give each other views on family dynamics - sensitively if possible! It’s sometimes easier for people outside to see things clearly. Offering views and advice, but leaving decisions on handling down to the one whose family it is.

DH and I have done this for each other, but it has sometimes led to conflict if one or other of us is too harsh or judgmental of the other’s family or handling! Or defensive. We’ve got much better at it over the years.