WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

[Ivygarden]

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

Ivy save that diatribe (good though it is) for when you get back and can escape to your own house if needed! You don't need it today, you have the life-saving visito around. Courage!

*visitor

Do it OP! They need to know. It doesn't need to become an argument.

Btw, a French colleague used to say 'Courage' to me encouragingly when things went wrong - she pronounced it 'coo-rahge'! I always say it to myself when resilience is needed now

Great words Clutterbugsmum

I would also have ready the reply to "oh but the poor kids/mean mummy" stuff that is bound to come

"Yes the KIDS have a great time, while you lie about me, and bitch about my not even behind my back, not even giving enough of a shit to keep your lies to yourselves. I DON'T have a good time hearing how 'lazy' I apparently am running about after TWO kids, and as it won't be long until my kids start to pick up on the crap you pair spew, how you like to undermine my parenting while nephew runs riot unchecked. Crack on the pair of you, I'm OUT"

find something to do with your kids daily from now on and leave them to it.

Stop caring what they 'think' about you, you know it's wrong, your H knows it's wrong, and your Dad is an arse for not hearing YOU out before siding with them.

I agree with letting the dust settle until you are back and feel up to it, you only have today and tomorrow

What time on Thursday are you going home?

Yes your sister sounds jealous, and your mother may feel sorry for her but they are family and are not supposed to be slagging you off.

Spend the day with the family friend and the following day packing up.

You may well scrape through this but I wouldn't consider doing it again, it isn't a holiday by any stretch!

I hope you have a better day, today, OP. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.

Get it off your chest... it will kick off but hopefully it will settle.

Take your Dad to one side... Dad, Sis is choosing to do these tasks before I get round to it.. I manage every day and am grateful for the company and help but do not expect it and have never asked. I will do my bit but need to be included.

Then take your sister aside and say I am sorry you feel put upon, but please know that I do not expect this. I love spending time with you and am more than happy to share the load so please, let's just discuss things together and give me the space to pitch in.

Then talk to your Mum... say thanks for the holiday, I am very grateful but it seems that you and sis think I am expecting too much. .. perhaps it's better I left with DH today and we catch up separately at home where I can do things at the pace of my own family.

It could be a good idea to put a link to this thread in your calendar on your phone for about when they would start planning next year's holiday? That way you will have a really solid reminder of how awful it has been and you won't buckle just to keep the peace.

Courage, mon brave!

Whatever you do will be wrong, so you might as well do what makes life easiest for you. I wouldn't bother confronting anybody, personally, as it will just be seen as more evidence of your wrongness ("...and THEN she had the cheek to say she'd never asked me to do the washing, complained about me taking care of HER daughter and THEN had a go at me out of nowhere and THEN flounced off!"), don't dignify their behaviour with a response.

I can recommend the book, "Water Off A Duck's Back" for dealing with situations like this. Really helped me feel better about being around difficult people.

It's by Jon Lavelle. Really helps cheer you up when surrounded by people determined to assign you a role you don't want!

I'm not a fan of big exit speeches, they rarely come out as they sounded in your head and others have a bad habit of not sticking to the lines you've assigned them. Honestly OP, just get through today and leave tomorrow saying "bye thanks for having us safe journey home".

When next year's holiday is broached just say you and DH want to try something different so you'll be making other plans. If they press about the children missing out say they won't whatever you do they'll enjoy just as much. If really pressed just say you felt this time you were all starting to get on each other's nerves because of different routines and expectations and it's not really that relaxing for anyone. Don't get drawn into debates don't start hurling accusations, just say it's not for you any more. "I have other plans" and stick to that.

I'm not a fan of big exit speeches, they rarely come out as they sounded in your head and others have a bad habit of not sticking to the lines you've assigned them.

I always think this when advice to give someone a big talking to is given on here.

What Clutter said. I don't think you should just make excuses for next summers trip. They will without a doubt involve your son, bitch about you, and/or suggest an alternative week anyway. It doesn't have to be an argument - although they totally deserve your sharp tongue - but you do really need to tell them just how fully aware you are of how they've spoken about you and treated you this week. Don't let them off!

yeah I agree about the big speeches thing too - also the person saying anything has to feel comfortable about what and how they are saying it and it might not be their way

I like the suggestion of you want to try something different this year - break the pattern OP

true, i find however that it's very comforting to HAVE the speech in your head ready IF you need to suddenly react to their twattery on th e spot, often its never as long and word perfect if i DO have to rise to the occaision, but knowing that i could if need be often negates the very need to confront anyway.

i think I would end up leaving it, until next year when its mentioned, or the subject raised for me then to say 'After last year?, no thanks.' and if further pushing comes I'd say that I was not prepared to rake over the past, and discussing it really won't help, so best to move on and forget about it for the sake of future relationships.

the 'good' thing is that right now, they KNOW they have pissed OP off, so a good portion of the job is done.

THE SHIT HAS HIT THE FAN!

Ok, so Mum got in my car this morning on way home from suoermarket (made sure I bought ingredients for tonight’s meal). She asked me outright what the problem was. Sounds pathetic but I burst into tears. Whilst I was trying to compose myself, she started saying, “It’s plainly obvious you don’t like DNep. He may not be perfect but I hope you realise the children your DS will mix with at school won’t all be perfect either...”
I cut her off.
I got everything off my chest, no holes barred.
She basically came back saying that she wasn’t party to any conversation where I was slagged off. And that she thought she was doing the right thing by spending £X amount on holiday house. She went on to say that her and my sister have found me quite difficult to live with as the way we live is very different. I said that clearly they had had a conversation to have even established that.
I pulled up at the holiday house. She got out. Awkward. Didn’t know what to do.

DSis then took her opportunity to pounce. She arranged for the children to go inside with DM and we then went for a drive.
I hit her with it too (in-between tears- had no idea how much this had upset me). She also claimed not to have slagged me off, other than to say that she couldn’t live with me. When I asked for context, she said that my DD’s beach shoes had been left in the bathroom since Saturday. And whilst we all had to share that bathroom, if we all left shoes like that...blah blah...patronise patronise.

After a long talk, she basically said that I’ve made all this up in my head and made things much more of an issue than it needed to be etc. That she saw how tricky it is with my DD waking up early and more than once in the night and she was genuinely trying to help etc. But she did say sorry.

When we arrived back at the house, the family friend had arrived so we’ve all been ok since.

I totally understand why you stayed; it’s so easy for anyone sitting at a keyboard to say you should do x, y and z - but I wouldn’t be as brave in person as I am in my head! Clutter’s words are what I would want to say though...

Oh Ivy - just seen your update 💐 I hope you’ve given them food for thought.

At least you know what to do now. Minima contact nothing revealing as it is clear they arw jot your comrades or allies. Just because you share genetics with them doesn't mean you owe them anything

Lying little twerps.

Haha!

Whilst it’s been upsetting for you, at least now you can say you don’t want to go next year as the ball is already rolling and conversations are being had