WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

[Ivygarden]

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

Mentioned next year with both DM and DSis- it won’t be happening. Well, we won’t be joining and I made that clear.

Well, there's your out for next year, different routines and expectations make it difficult for you all to live together in such close quarters so you're not up for doing it again. Don't be persuaded otherwise stick to what they both said about you being difficult to live with and talking about it to each other not you.

I'm sorry it came down to this OP, I hope you're ok, but the fact is they have their perception of what's going on and you have yours and no amount of confronting and arguing is going to change either side's view and you're the one who'll be expected to cave and change you're ways.

Oops cross post with OP. Also your ways not you're ways.

Maybe sis should spend less time worrying about beach shoes and pull her child up on his actions

They won't go next year as she'll have to entertain her own child rather than faff with unnessary house jobs. (Some people will do anything but parent)

Well down for speaking up and saying your peace

We'll talk about denial about slagging you off, I suspect that they are often critical of others and no longer realise that they do it!

Glad you got it all off your chest and can come home with a clear head that every thing that needed to be said has been said.

The only question I have is if they didn't slag you off for not pulling your weight to each other how did your dad know when he wasn't even on holiday with you.

Well done Ivy. Whether they want to admit their behaviour or deny it out loud, the damage is done and they will feel badly about that. Keep holding your head high and enjoy the rest of your trip.

So sorry. Glad you have been able to express yourself, but sad that they are blaming and minimising.
Hope the friend was enough of a distraction and you have been able to get some enjoyment from your last day.

Well as they both come as a pair I am not surprised they both believe you to be the problem. Very difficult when you have two people trying to suggest you are the difficult one and are being unreasonable. Stay strong. Not long until Friday!

And dot let them away with lying about slagging you off. That’s plain nasty and I can’t abide liars. Given that was the trigger of your upset please put your foot down about that

My word what a "holiday" for you.

One more sleep!!!

On the way home they will be talking about how crazy you are. And it will then continue with a protracted discussion with your father. Idk if he’s being manipulated or also part of the problem.

To give you my example of my family dynamic. My mother discusses me with my now estranged brother. Then she comes out with “We think this and we think that”. It’s fucking infuriating when I’m nc from him because he was violent and abusive. Yet what he thinks about me is more important than how I think of myself. She has him on a pedestal and he can do no wrong. I’m now sure if his sexualised abuse of me had turned to physical sexual abuse she would have turned a blind eye. I have read posters accounts of similar happening on this site and this is how blinkered people choose to be. Much as it wouldn’t be sexual with your sister, I’m trying to explain how entrenched your sisters and mother's belief are and how trying to change their minds is futile. They may change for a while but please don’t be fooled. One thing is for definite. They. Will. Revert. To. Type.

Well done for saying something. You had to test the waters now, didn’t you? I’m not surprised they reacted as though you had made it all up. It’s how bullies work. I’ve tried several times to follow the advice of people like ForgivenessIsDivine. Unfortunately this approach works absolutely against you when dealing with narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths etc. They then use what they have learned from showing your weaknesses against you. The behaviour is crazy making and when you finally realise you’re in the presence of a narcissist it is liberating.

Graphista
Trying to scapegoat your dd cannot have been nice for her and I can see why the children were happy to see your dd scapegoated and them given a reprieve. How sad for them all.

Well done Ivy. Sounds like a lot of back peddling from them both. I think I'd just wrap it up by saying, unsurprisingly if you choose to slate and rundown other family members on holiday & get caught red handed....,then you might find that they don't really want to hang about with you in future.

This sounds like my dsis - making out your a big issue and the only example she can pull out the bag is bloody beach shoes in the bathroom?! As for my liking dn - just because it have boundaries and discipline him doesn’t mean you don’t care about him. Quite the opposite I’d think?

I actually don’t understand how your managing to stay with them, they sound like bullies and have decided your not up to their standards. Family holidays are all about compromise of course we all live in different ways & prioritise different things. Holidays are meant to be fun not for nit picking. They are treating you badly.

It feels good to get it off your chest. However, they didn't hear you as evidenced by all their denial all they heard was more corroboration of their opinion of how much hard work you are, they never will.

They are fucking liars and horrible people.

I'm glad you're going home tomorrow op. For them to pretty much deny slagging you off - when you heard it - I'd be out asap.

So they both denied slagging you off, despite you overhearing them. That sums it up really, doesn't it? They're not only being mean behind your back, but they're lying about it. I'm glad you got it off your chest and that you told them you won't be going away with them next year. How upsetting and horrible though

At least you now have the excuse of "we all live very differently..." to not go with them next year.

Well I'm pleased that it's now all in the open now and everyone knows the score.
It does sound like your mum favours your sister - or at the very list sides with her.
I think maybe a little distance when you get back and some time to pass will help the situation.

I'm glad you told them both off op - they are clearly defensive AF though! Also glad you're not going next year.

As an aside, if you were planning to have a drink with them tonight (as in, alcohol), don't. IME arguments always re-erupt on the final night of a holiday when people have drunk too much and can see freedom waiting, as it were....

What a couple of bitches. I’m sorry op but at least you’ve said your bit and you don’t have to do it again! Enjoy your last day, freedom Thursday will be here soon!

Well

A - you HEARD them slagging you off

B - how else would your father have known? Is he bloody psychic?!

As for beach shoes! Give me strength - I have Dx OCD and even I'M not that bloody fussy! If that's the worst thing she can say she's desperate!!

Sod them op! They're not worth your tears mate

MummyofLittleDragon - yes very sad. But I reached a point I had to step back. I miss my dns but contact with my sister was too high a price for either dd or I to pay to stay in touch with them. My mother sometimes comments on what sister is up to or worse comments she's made about me! At which point I remind her nc means I don't want to even hear about her and I don't want me or dd discusses with her.

Doesn't sound like much of an acceptance that they might be in the wrong here. Just outright defensive.

Who in their right mind puts tidying up shoes above stopping their dc's dangerous behaviour?!

You are well out of the holiday set up. And stupid sister can't see that the one person to really lose out will be her own son.