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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dinner to be eaten just after I’ve cooked it?

140 replies

Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 20:42

So dh and I had a thing today, both thinking the other person being unreasonable. Ended with dh saying, go on mumsnet and then you’ll see- I thought yes I will and I bet mumsnet will be on my side!
If it turns out iabu I will eat humble pie —and not show him this thread—
So here it is. We are from different cultures with different attitudes to mealtimes. I was raised to eat meals at set times, family eating together. He was raised where family don’t necessarily eat together, and when someone turns up at home they will be offered a full meal regardless of the time of day, then it’s normal for them to eat on their own without the other family members joining in. Think I’ve got that right.
Anyway today I felt for dh, had to work tiring shift on bank holiday while me and dd had a nice day off together. So I thought I’d cook him one of his fave things and texted him to ask if I should get it ready for 7pm (was checking as sometimes he has other stuff to do after work and doesn’t come straight home from work). He texted back ‘yeah great xxx etc’ and I felt that I was in the running for dw of the year Smile
Anyway he comes home and it’s cooking, he’s playing with dd, at about 7.10 I say ‘ok it will be ready in about 3 mins’ he says great, goes upstairs. I plate it up (fish yam and beans) and say —yell upstairs— it’s ready. He said ok just one moment and comes down about 15 mins later starts fixing himself a drink (he doesn’t like to drink with food). So I get cross and say something like, ‘you’re having a drink, you don’t want to eat yet’ and he said yes in a minute etc etc. Anyway I said I was really offended that I had cooked something that was nice when it was fresh, not cold/ microwaved and I had also checked what time he wanted it and he said I was being all uptight and imposing my culture on him by expecting him to eat when it’s cooked, when he’s not ready. And I said he was imposing his culture on me by expecting me not to be offended that I had cooked him a nice meal and he didn’t seem bothered about eating it cold/microwaved and I might have well have not bothered.
What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 20:43

Oops attempted strike through and it went a bit wrong but you get the jist hopefully!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 27/08/2018 20:45

To be fair that would annoy me too. If you've made the effort to make it specially for him, he should pay you the courtesy of eating it when it's ready. Otherwise he should make his own meals

DrCoconut · 27/08/2018 20:45

To me YABU. It was nice of you to make the meal but surely up to him when he eats it if no one is waiting. And how does having a drink translate to not wanting to eat?

Electrack · 27/08/2018 20:46

I think it’s fine for people to eat at different times most of the week but it’s not fine to delay getting to the table knowing the meal has been served

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/08/2018 20:46

What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

I didn't think YWBU until you added that, now I do. You know his culture, the fact that your mum would have been mad is irrelevant unless he's also married to your mum; and he wasn't missing a family meal - you'd already eaten.

In that case, as long as he expressed gratefulness that you'd cooked for him, I'd let him eat it when he wants. It's his meal; he's already eaten by himself and culturally, it's what he's used too.

If you want him to start living by your cultural norms; you can't eat before him - you need to eat as a family.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 27/08/2018 20:46

I think yabu. I like to eat at my own time.

NellMangel · 27/08/2018 20:47

As you weren't eating with him, I would leave it up to him when he ate it.

But you were very nice to cook for him.

GrumpyInsomniac · 27/08/2018 20:47

I think that whatever culture he's from, you gave him ample warning of when dinner would be ready, and not to eat it when it was at its best was hugely disrespectful, especially when there was nothing to prevent him doing so. And he had already agreed to the timings.

Sorry OP, he's an arse.

MadeForThis · 27/08/2018 20:47

Wouldn't annoy me to be honest. If he wants to mess about before he eats then the food is cold. His choice. If he was expecting me to somehow keep it warm I'd be annoyed. If he's happy to eat it cold then job done.

Catzpyjamas · 27/08/2018 20:48

If someone is kind enough to cook for me, I eat it when it's ready.

Purplepjs · 27/08/2018 20:48

Nope I’m with you. Especially when you’d already asked what time he’d like to eat (and given him a theee minutexwarnjng etc etc). Sometimes we all have different things on and I make a meal that can be reheated as each person needs it but otherwise it’s time to come eat when I say it’s ready. I find it a bit ungrateful/rude to do otherwise.

LittleOwl153 · 27/08/2018 20:48

umm - up until the point you said you/dd had eaten earlier and werent eating with him then you definately had my vote.

After that I am not so sure - yes I think he was rude to set you up for cooking a meal for him then deciding not to eat it. Just seems very odd to me. Personally I wouldnt bother again - if he isnt home to eat with you/dd then he can sort himself out.

UrsulaPandress · 27/08/2018 20:50

He is so the unreasonable one. Food should be eaten when it is served if its hot.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 27/08/2018 20:50

Bonkers, i cant imagine a culture that doesn't eat meals when freshly made, sounds like an excuse! If i went to the effort of cooking a meal for someome and they acted like that id be offended too. It's rude in any culture not to appreciate when someone has made an effort for you

CorianderSnell · 27/08/2018 20:50

I have thought of posting this exact same AIBU many times! (Well you know, not exact same situation but generally expecting family to come when dinner is ready and eat whilst it’s nice!)

So, no YANBU at all ime.

I can kind of see it if he likes the food equally cold or hot; then you just leave it there and say ready when you want it.

But on the whole, it’s rude to disregard someone’s cooking effort in this way.

Hidillyho · 27/08/2018 20:50

I would expect that a meal was eaten after I had cooked it however this would be if I was eating at that time. If no one was eating with him then it’s up to him to eat when he wants

HappyStripper · 27/08/2018 20:50

I think it’s appreciative to sit down and eat when it’s ready. I’d understand it on a normal day but when you’ve gone to extra effort to cook for him he should be ready and waiting at the table, rather than just leaving it to get cold. I feel like it’s just unfair on you after all that effort.

It’s like if someone gave you a present and wanted you to open it. You wouldn’t just say I don’t want to right now, you’d thank them and enjoy I with them.

Fairyliz · 27/08/2018 20:50

So you cook him his favourite meal and check what time he wants it and he can't be bothered to come down and eat it straight away ??

I actually thing that is very rude and ungrateful you are definitely not being unreasonable. Besides which don't you all eat together and enjoy some family time?

Awrite · 27/08/2018 20:51

I'm in two minds.

It is very rude not to eat when someone has gone to the effort of making you a meal.

However, why did it have to be then if you weren't eating together? He clearly didn't want it then.

Then again, you did ask.

So, yes - back to my initial thoughts of YANBU. He is.

Pumpkintopf · 27/08/2018 20:51

Yep if you'd cooked specially and checked the time he was unreasonable not to eat when it was ready.

cheesemongery · 27/08/2018 20:52

I don't think it's a culture thing is it? Sometimes you just want to relax and unwind before eating dinner. I do anyway, but then I cook it all so can't be arsed eating it Grin.

I'd really hate to be told, I've cooked it so you need to eat it NOW.

SpectacularAardvark · 27/08/2018 20:52

He is rude and ungrateful, I hope he apologises after reading this thread.

goodgirls · 27/08/2018 20:52

If you were waiting to all eat together then yes, he'd be wrong. But if you made him dinner to eat on his own he can eat it whenever he wants. He's not a child, you don't get to order him to sit down and eat his dinner when hes told!

52FestiveRoad · 27/08/2018 20:52

I think he was rude not to eat when it was fresh and hot given that you had cooked it especially for him.

WouldLoveAHoliday · 27/08/2018 20:53

I think if someone has taken the time & effort to cook for you & you give them ample time alerts then they should eat when it is ready.

My DP needs a shit every fucking time I serve up his poached eggs or lights up a ciggy despite watching & commenting on my poaching skills so knows it’s a 3 minute countdown. Makes me rage every day