To expect dinner to be eaten just after I’ve cooked it?

[Waterfall010]

So dh and I had a thing today, both thinking the other person being unreasonable. Ended with dh saying, go on mumsnet and then you’ll see- I thought yes I will and I bet mumsnet will be on my side!
If it turns out iabu I will eat humble pie —and not show him this thread—
So here it is. We are from different cultures with different attitudes to mealtimes. I was raised to eat meals at set times, family eating together. He was raised where family don’t necessarily eat together, and when someone turns up at home they will be offered a full meal regardless of the time of day, then it’s normal for them to eat on their own without the other family members joining in. Think I’ve got that right.
Anyway today I felt for dh, had to work tiring shift on bank holiday while me and dd had a nice day off together. So I thought I’d cook him one of his fave things and texted him to ask if I should get it ready for 7pm (was checking as sometimes he has other stuff to do after work and doesn’t come straight home from work). He texted back ‘yeah great xxx etc’ and I felt that I was in the running for dw of the year
Anyway he comes home and it’s cooking, he’s playing with dd, at about 7.10 I say ‘ok it will be ready in about 3 mins’ he says great, goes upstairs. I plate it up (fish yam and beans) and say —yell upstairs— it’s ready. He said ok just one moment and comes down about 15 mins later starts fixing himself a drink (he doesn’t like to drink with food). So I get cross and say something like, ‘you’re having a drink, you don’t want to eat yet’ and he said yes in a minute etc etc. Anyway I said I was really offended that I had cooked something that was nice when it was fresh, not cold/ microwaved and I had also checked what time he wanted it and he said I was being all uptight and imposing my culture on him by expecting him to eat when it’s cooked, when he’s not ready. And I said he was imposing his culture on me by expecting me not to be offended that I had cooked him a nice meal and he didn’t seem bothered about eating it cold/microwaved and I might have well have not bothered.
What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

Ajas - I said don't cook for just him again because he doesn't appreciate it, and acts like his wife is his staff, not his partner doing something nice for him that she's doesn't have to. If he wants to control when he eats, that's fine - but that means if he wants the control of the timings, he does the work.

OP - cook for the family, if he joins you, great, make sure there's enough for him, but stop cooking a 2nd meal just for him when he doesn't seem to respect the effort involved in that.

He could have walked in and said "actually, I'm not very hungry just yet." He didn't, he faffed to show the op she couldn't control his time. Which is fine for him, but upsets the op. If she can't stop the upset by explaining it to him and him changing his behaviour, then changing her own behaviours is the best option.

Stop making meals for him after his shifts. He can cook for himself at the time he wants to eat, or reheat leftovers from the main family meal he missed.

If he wants a special meal cooked for him, then he needs to act more respectfully towards his wife. He knows her culture and is choosing to ignore it.

He can cook his own fish.

Snowflake where did you get that he treats his wife like staff?

I think hermionegoesbackhome has hit the nail on the head!!!

But maybe he wasn't hungry at 7pm.

Last night is a typical example.

I cooked a casserole type meal. I had skipped lunch so ate mine at 5pm.
One family member was going to wait until DD came home from ( part time work), but then ate at 5.30 as DD texted to say she would be later.
So DD ate at 6.30p,.
OH came back from work at 7.30- his usual time- but he is never hungry straight away, had a few mouthfulls from the pot, then heated up a bowlful at 9pm.
DS came back from his evening job at 10pm and had a plateful at 10pm.
DD was hungry again at 10.30pm and warmed herself up another bowlful before going to bed.

OH put the leftovers into a box and stored in the fridge, cleared up, washed all the dishes and has taken the food to work for lunch.

Five of us in the house- that is a very typical eating pattern.

I really can't get worked up about it.

As long as people are being fed then it works.

Speak out, did you miss that part she cooked it specially for him, at the time he agreed he wanted it? He then just let it go cold and ate it 15 mins later.

Maybe he wasn't hungry.

Would you want someone to eat to please you even though they are not hungry?

I wouldn't.

Food is not stone cold or inedible after 15 minutes.

I beg to differ . . .

If he was eating on his own then it doesn't matter when he ate it. But it does matter that he showed gratitude to you for cooking him a nice meal. And not showing any interest in it looks like ingratitude. If he had said - that's fabulous, thanks so much - and eaten it later then that would have been fine. But fannying about ignoring the food you had made to show you cared about him, that wasn't nice.

So it's not about when he ate, it's about whether he showed any gratitude.

Food is not stone cold or inedible after 15 minutes.

I beg to differ . . .

So when you're eating, you stop after 14 mins and throw it out?
At a buffet, you would never go up for seconds if it's been sitting out for more than 14 minutes?
You never buy hot food and take it home to eat?

DP and I also from different cultures, he does this and it drives me mad. YANBU IMO, but I suck it up and just silently fume because it's just so petty.

Isn’t it more about communicating one thing whilst doing another thing. He gave the impression several times he was with on the OPs cultural exploration whilst actioning his.

It’s not him not eating when ‘dictated’ to but the fact that he verbally communication (agreeing to time, saying he was coming, not saying he’ll have it later etc) and his actions didn’t match. It was his effort not to eat when the meal when it was ready that is rude. Making a show of how much he wasn’t eating at the agreed time.

Not eating a meal when it’s ready is fine, it isn’t rude. Making out you will eat it then not eating it is rude, and confusing. It’s as easy as anything to say not hungry just yet/don’t want it just yet thanks/I’ll have it later.

Maybe OP if this were to occur in the future, cook a special meal for him, don’t specify a time and you can then cook it whenever you have the time to. This might coincide with his desire to eat or it might precedes or follows it, than so be it.

Fuck that, how rude of him.
If you're in the house when dinner is ready and you're not ill or on your way out then you come and get your dinner before it gets cold.

I had an ex who was like that (and his brother and father). The mother would say "dinners ready" and they'd say "OK" and then continue reading/watching TV until they were 'ready' . Very disrespectful of the person who has gone to the effort of cooking.

And we were both white British BTW

My ex used to do this and it drove me mad. It's rude and disrespectful, especially when you checked with him beforehand about the timings.

Many a time I was tempted just to slide the whole congealing, cold plate straight into the bin and let him whistle for it. Thank god he's an ex.

So when you're eating, you stop after 14 mins and throw it out?
At a buffet, you would never go up for seconds if it's been sitting out for more than 14 minutes?
You never buy hot food and take it home to eat?

🤣

[It's] a common sense thing to just eat dinner when it was you are ready in the first place?

Just did a little correction for you.