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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dinner to be eaten just after I’ve cooked it?

140 replies

Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 20:42

So dh and I had a thing today, both thinking the other person being unreasonable. Ended with dh saying, go on mumsnet and then you’ll see- I thought yes I will and I bet mumsnet will be on my side!
If it turns out iabu I will eat humble pie —and not show him this thread—
So here it is. We are from different cultures with different attitudes to mealtimes. I was raised to eat meals at set times, family eating together. He was raised where family don’t necessarily eat together, and when someone turns up at home they will be offered a full meal regardless of the time of day, then it’s normal for them to eat on their own without the other family members joining in. Think I’ve got that right.
Anyway today I felt for dh, had to work tiring shift on bank holiday while me and dd had a nice day off together. So I thought I’d cook him one of his fave things and texted him to ask if I should get it ready for 7pm (was checking as sometimes he has other stuff to do after work and doesn’t come straight home from work). He texted back ‘yeah great xxx etc’ and I felt that I was in the running for dw of the year Smile
Anyway he comes home and it’s cooking, he’s playing with dd, at about 7.10 I say ‘ok it will be ready in about 3 mins’ he says great, goes upstairs. I plate it up (fish yam and beans) and say —yell upstairs— it’s ready. He said ok just one moment and comes down about 15 mins later starts fixing himself a drink (he doesn’t like to drink with food). So I get cross and say something like, ‘you’re having a drink, you don’t want to eat yet’ and he said yes in a minute etc etc. Anyway I said I was really offended that I had cooked something that was nice when it was fresh, not cold/ microwaved and I had also checked what time he wanted it and he said I was being all uptight and imposing my culture on him by expecting him to eat when it’s cooked, when he’s not ready. And I said he was imposing his culture on me by expecting me not to be offended that I had cooked him a nice meal and he didn’t seem bothered about eating it cold/microwaved and I might have well have not bothered.
What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

OP posts:
PinguDance · 27/08/2018 20:54

Regardles of if this particular indicident I have a suspicion that a culture where people are offered a full meal as and when they get home is a culture where women are expected to spend a lot of time in the kitchen. It’s different if someone gets home and makes themself a meal which is fine - not so much if it’s yiubwhise supposed to do it. Anyway if he doesn’t want to eat his meal hot then that’s his problem. I just wouldn’t cook for him if he’s going to be like that!

Sakura7 · 27/08/2018 20:54

YANBU, I would find it annoying too - you checked when he wanted dinner and had it ready for him, which is a nice thing to do. I get that you weren't eating together so I can kind of see his point, but it's a bit rude to faff around like that after you've made him a lovely fresh dinner.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2018 20:55

I'm also curious what his "culture" is that agrees a time for dinner, has it cooked for him, then leaves it to go cold, and eats it 15 mins later.

What is this culture? Arsehole husband culture?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2018 20:55

Sorry,but I think yabu, it's up to him. His food, not affecting anyone else, only he is affected if the taste is worse if not fresh. He should say thanks to you for cooking, but the rest is up to him imo.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/08/2018 20:58

Well, since you'd eaten earlier and agreed the time of his meal, it was his choice to let it go cold.

If you and dd had been expecting to eat with him, his behaviour would have been very rude. In that case, you should have eaten it fresh and considered him rude for failing to come to the table at the agreed meal time.

I can't comprehend the expectations and work associated with his cultural norm, as you describe, though. Who is doing all this cooking of numerous individual meals to order, at the drop of a hat? A full-time chef?

(My guess - a housewife, working as full time chef for the household's other adults. If so, where do children and their needs fit in? Do they come before or behind the 'need' of an incoming adult male to be cooked for?).

12cuckoocuckoo · 27/08/2018 21:02

It would annoy me too

Ihuntmonsters · 27/08/2018 21:04

I suppose it's his loss if he chooses to eat a meal that has gone cold, but I'd find it very rude and be very disinclined to cook a special meal for him again. If he is otherwise a good bloke perhaps it's because he had a bad day at work and was resentful of your day off so if he apologizes I'd forget it, but I'd find it hard not to see it as a kick in the teeth.

Knittedfairies · 27/08/2018 21:05

I’d expect him to eat it as soon as it was ready.

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 27/08/2018 21:06

As the cook in a house full of mealtime disappearers, you have my sympathy, OP. It drives me absolutely fucking nuts. It says (whether intentionally or not) "I value the time of the person who has cooked for me so little that I can't even be bothered to come down when the food's ready".

Petalflowers · 27/08/2018 21:08

I think he was rude. You checked what time he wanted it, plus when he got in re-affirmed the time, and he accepted this. Therefore, to,dither and come down later was rude.

notangelinajolie · 27/08/2018 21:11

Never mind the culture - I think he was bloody rude!

jarhead123 · 27/08/2018 21:11

If someone cooks for you, you eat it when it's ready. Thats the most respectful thing to do anyway

onlyk · 27/08/2018 21:12

As above just plain rude.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/08/2018 21:14

Also, I think you both need to say 'bollocks to culture' and agree an approach that works well for you, as a couple, as a family.

NameChangedNow · 27/08/2018 21:15

Is he from the Caribbean? Today we have a pot on the fire and everyone comes to take their plate when they want. If you want a sit down dinner at a specific time you would need to request it otherwise it would not be a given.

tworoundsofwaterplease · 27/08/2018 21:15

I don't think either of you are being really unreasonable. He's had what sounds like a hard day, and he got home and wanted to relax and do what he wanted. That's okay.

You wanted to do something nice (make him a nice meal) and you did. He will enjoy it more if he eats it when he wants, even though to you it may not be quite as nice warmed up or cooled down. If it upsets youthat he doesn't want it straightaway, maybe in future don't do it or make something that is nice warmed up or cold. Maybe instead of saying 'yes I'd like something to eat when I get home' he should have said 'sure make me something but I am not sure if I'll want it as soon as I get home' but either way, bit of a non-issue.

Having said all that, I love cooking for those I love, and I think I would have felt a bit upset in your shoes, but that's my issue. Others may not see it. I don't think the culture is so relevant? As it wasn't a family meal, your Mum's opinion doesn't matter either.

NameChangedNow · 27/08/2018 21:16

And food that has sat in the pot for ages is MUCH nicer by the way Grin

Slimmingsnake · 27/08/2018 21:16

I cook ,call it's ready ,and sit down to eat mine ,I cover up the plates of people not yet ready for it,they microwave it when they are ready...sometimes they are hungry and come straight away ,sometimes not...why force food on someone who isn't hungry just because you've cooked it? Let them eat it at their leisure and enjoyment

SusieOwl4 · 27/08/2018 21:17

Nothing to do with any cultures , but if I make an effort to cook a nice meal it drives me bonkers if people don’t come to the table when it’s ready and still hot . It really can tip me over the edge. I find it rude and inconsiderate. And I am normally the calmest person ever.

Hertha · 27/08/2018 21:19

If you were all eating together, I’d say YANBU.

I get how you feel (if you’ve cooked for someone you want them to have it when it’s at its best) but ultimately, if he’s eating alone, I think he gets to decide when to eat it.

I’ll go with ‘YABslightlyU but I get it’.

Luxembourgmama · 27/08/2018 21:20

YANBU drives me mad too

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/08/2018 21:20

He was being rude, you had gone to the effort to cook a 2nd time for him, so he could eat a freshly cooked dinner, and when checking what time to make it, you gave him the opportunity to say that he didn't want that.

I would say to him that you find it rude when he does this, so from now on, if he's not prepared to eat meals when they are ready (when you have checked before hand what time he'll want to eat), then he should tell you not to make him a meal and he'll just heat up left overs or cook for himself.

I agree the idea that a guest will be given a full meal regardless of when they turn up, does suggest he's been raised with a view that woman will always be cooking/in the kitchen, so the labour involved in preparing a meal isn't appriciated.

Stop making separate meals. If he has to fend for himself for 6 months/a year, perhaps he'll start to realise the effort it takes.

gamerchick · 27/08/2018 21:21

Sounds to me he was doing it on purpose to make a point and on that note I would be telling him to cook his own fucking tea from now on if he wants to play that game.

I don't mind plating up if someone isn't going g to be home to be heated up later but they do their own heating up.

Original poster
Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 21:22

thanks all.
To be fair if we are eating together he does join us, so I may have been a teensy bit unreasonable tonight Smile
@happystripper can’t really use the present opening argument though as that’s another way his and my family are different- they’ve got this thing of not opening presents when you give them!
I’m like -what? We do this big thing of opening the present in the person’s presence, smile, lots of thanks etc. So our first Christmas together he thanks me and puts it to one side, couldn’t get my head round that!
So now with me and my family he opens stuff in front of us and with his family I open it later.

OP posts:
MysteriousQuinn · 27/08/2018 21:22

See this just wouldn't bother me, as long as he thanked me for my efforts I wouldn't really care when he ate it. Your married to him so surely you must know by now that he's happy to eat cold or reheated food.

If you were eating together then yes that would be rude but as it's just for him then he can eat it whenever he wants IMO.