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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dinner to be eaten just after I’ve cooked it?

140 replies

Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 20:42

So dh and I had a thing today, both thinking the other person being unreasonable. Ended with dh saying, go on mumsnet and then you’ll see- I thought yes I will and I bet mumsnet will be on my side!
If it turns out iabu I will eat humble pie —and not show him this thread—
So here it is. We are from different cultures with different attitudes to mealtimes. I was raised to eat meals at set times, family eating together. He was raised where family don’t necessarily eat together, and when someone turns up at home they will be offered a full meal regardless of the time of day, then it’s normal for them to eat on their own without the other family members joining in. Think I’ve got that right.
Anyway today I felt for dh, had to work tiring shift on bank holiday while me and dd had a nice day off together. So I thought I’d cook him one of his fave things and texted him to ask if I should get it ready for 7pm (was checking as sometimes he has other stuff to do after work and doesn’t come straight home from work). He texted back ‘yeah great xxx etc’ and I felt that I was in the running for dw of the year
Anyway he comes home and it’s cooking, he’s playing with dd, at about 7.10 I say ‘ok it will be ready in about 3 mins’ he says great, goes upstairs. I plate it up (fish yam and beans) and say —yell upstairs— it’s ready. He said ok just one moment and comes down about 15 mins later starts fixing himself a drink (he doesn’t like to drink with food). So I get cross and say something like, ‘you’re having a drink, you don’t want to eat yet’ and he said yes in a minute etc etc. Anyway I said I was really offended that I had cooked something that was nice when it was fresh, not cold/ microwaved and I had also checked what time he wanted it and he said I was being all uptight and imposing my culture on him by expecting him to eat when it’s cooked, when he’s not ready. And I said he was imposing his culture on me by expecting me not to be offended that I had cooked him a nice meal and he didn’t seem bothered about eating it cold/microwaved and I might have well have not bothered.
What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

OP posts:

Ihuntmonsters · 27/08/2018 21:23

It depends on the meal as to whether it can wait around no problem, improves with more cooking or gets a bit sad. A pot of stew or curry, no problem with keeping it on the simmer. Stir fry on the other hand should be eaten as soon as it's done or left to get cold, if you keep cooking it the veggies loose their crisp and meat/fish gets overcooked. Spaghetti deteriorates pretty fast too.

cheesemongery · 27/08/2018 21:24

And food that has sat in the pot for ages is MUCH nicer by the way

Can I come by tomorrow and take the tastiest bottom bits please? I'm not sure what time though

Happyhippy45 · 27/08/2018 21:26

Yeah it's a bit rude. You asked when he wanted to eat and gave him a warning it was going to be ready.
It's not a cultural thing IMO. It's a man thing. My DH and DS do this all the time. Adult DS says he starving and what's for tea (he takes his turn making tea too) then gets distracted by a video game and doesn't come down when called. DH does similar but doesn't play video games.
Neither of them seem to care about eating cold food.
If we have company they both are present when food is ready so I don't really care what they do when it's just us.

Original poster

Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 21:27

@namechangednow yeah west Africa
@hertha thanks I’ll take that

OP posts:

TakeMeToKernow · 27/08/2018 21:27

What culture excuses him from manners?!

Isawthelight · 27/08/2018 21:31

YANBU - I think he was quite rude.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 27/08/2018 21:32

He was really rude. You cooked his fav, at an agreed time, a meal that’s NOT nice when left/reheated - not eating it when it was ready is very disrespectful of the time & effort you put into it.

What culture is he from?

I’d like to bet others from his culture would be equally unimpressed - it’s not at all the same as people just eating at different times.

I would do it again that’s for sure.

Saracen · 27/08/2018 21:40

I'm of the same view as your husband, mostly.

But I do think it is weird and seems ungrateful not to promptly eat the dinner you had made specially for him, after he had confirmed what time he wanted it. It feels like someone taking the the nice new serving bowl which you gave them (after asking if they would like it as a gift) and using it for a dog bowl IYSWIM - sure, it's theirs to do with as they please, but it seems tactless.

So if I were you I would try not to be angry. But if the circumstance arises again, I would only prepare my dp meals which are equally nice later: stews or salads etc. I don't like to feel that my efforts are wasted,

alphajuliet123 · 27/08/2018 21:42

Is he from the Caribbean?

Yeah west Africa

AnEPleaseBob · 27/08/2018 21:43

is West Africa in the Carribean now?

HermioneGoesBackHome · 27/08/2018 21:46

Sorry but he is was rude.
If he didn’t want to eat yet and he KNEW you had prepared a meal esp for him, KNEW it was ready and still told you he wouod be here in a mi ute is crap.
It show no respect for you - by not telling you he intended yo eat later on, and by not respecting the fact you made the effort to prepare a meal HE would enjoy and by refusing to acknowledge YOUR ‘culture’.

Fwiw my culture is different from H. We just blended out two cultures in somwth)no thatnworks for us lol as a family.
His idea that you are i posing your culutyre into him etc etc is, for me, a Copt out so he can say he isnt rude whilst knowing full well he acted like a twat.
(Note my culture is NOT british...)

Bimgy85 · 27/08/2018 21:47

Yabu. What if he wasn't 'fully hungry' yet and would ruin it if he ate it without a full appetite?

Who cares, he will appreciate it when he eats it!

OrdinarySnowflake · 27/08/2018 21:51

This is definately a case for "last time I do X". So you can't change him, but you can change you. You can stop making him his favourite meals, that really don't reheat well, for set times when he will need to eat alone. Just don't do it. He wants to eat when he wants? Fine, he cooks then. Not you. Not again.

You cook for the whole family, he can join you or not, but from now on, if he's eating alone, he's eating food he cooks. Not you.

Perhaps if he gets used to cooking for himself, he'll respect the effort you have made for him. Or not, but you'll no longer get stressed by his culture.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/08/2018 21:52

Sorry OP but I’m with your DH. If you’re not eating together, YABU to dictate the time at which he eats. I probably wouldn’t go to much trouble cooking something great for someone who isn’t interested in eating it at its best, but I think it’s up to him when he eats and it’s a bit controlling to insist he eats, on his own, at the point you’ve decided if he would prefer to leave it a while.

stressedoutpa · 27/08/2018 21:52

He was rude.

If you'd eaten earlier and plated some up for him it would be a different story.

stressedoutpa · 27/08/2018 21:54

To be honest, if he doesn't 'get it' then I wouldn't bother cooking for him and he can fend for himself.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2018 21:54

YNBU - you asked him if 7.00 was a good time for the meal - he said it was.

You told him that it was nearly ready, and he said "great".

Then he didn't come for the food for 15 minutes by which time it was cold and unappetising.

I would have thrown it at him. Next time, let him heat himself a tin of beans.

mummmy2017 · 27/08/2018 21:55

This time he was BUF.
To not eat a meal cooked just for him when he was asked when he wanted it means he is being an arse.
In future just cook his plate it up and leave it to be reheated.
Don't cook specially for him.
Tell him he is not a guest in his own house.
So he can cook if he wants a guest to have a full meal. Also he can wash the pans up afterwards...
2018...

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/08/2018 21:55

I think in some cultures it's OK...as the women cook all the time and don't work but the men do, and the women just feed the men as and when they want it. Also some food (stews, curry, chilli etc) reheats well

If this isn't the case for you then I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you've asked him a time and he's agreed and you've cooked a meal that's not going to be nice cold or reheated. I think it's rude if someone's gone to the effort of doing something nice for you, to ignore it and let it go to waste. It's not about culture so much as recognising if someone has made an effort for you that you wouldnt necessarily expect, and showing appreciation

HermioneGoesBackHome · 27/08/2018 21:57

Bimgy if he wasn’t fully hungry, why dint he say so??

Why did he carry in saying ‘in a minute’ then pour himself a drink, showing (in a very PA way) he didn’t intent to eat with the OP and his own dd but never ever actually saying ‘well I’m not quite hungry yet. I’ll enjoy the meal you’ve prepared FOR ME a bit later on’???

Instead he chose to string the OP along until it was obvious he never had any intention to sit down with them.
All the while invoking a ‘cultural difference’ as a get out of jail card, thinking that this was something no one could reject.

Not being hungry and having different ‘rules’ as to when to eat doesn’t mean you can also stop communicating with your spouse or that it’s ok to show no respect for her (which exactly what he did but stringing her along and never telling her he had no intention to eat straight away)

Jaxhog · 27/08/2018 22:01

You asked him if he wanted a meal, you made it and then he didn't sit down to eat when it was hot and fresh. That is just plain rude in ANY culture.

Bimgy85 · 27/08/2018 22:02

@HermioneGoesBackHome stringing her along? You say it as if it's the biggest deal in the world. The op and dh must be going through some extra problems if something as small as when he eats his meal she cooked bothers her so much. Quite frankly that's not even really worth arguing for or kicking up a fuss. If that was my dh yes I might be a tiny bit peed off 'oh no he won't see how nice it is until later' but certainly not genuinely upset 😂

adreamofspring · 27/08/2018 22:06

The way I read it, i think he was being U.

And I don't think it's a culture thing - I think it's a communication and respect thing. You sign-posted what you were doing, checked with him, and then told him you'd plated it up and he still faffed around for 20+ minutes.

If a guest dropped by and was going to eat on their own - that's totally fine in my culture too. But I'm not sure it would it still be ok for them to dick about for ages after they'd told me they wanted something, then I prepared it and put it on the table for them. Not in the least because there's loads of fruit flies about this summer. Am I supposed to provide a silver cloche too?

Still... a good lesson for you (and him). from now on he can plate up leftovers himself whenever he fancies them. You have one less thing to worry about next bank holiday.

QueenDoria · 27/08/2018 22:12

What was he doing instead of eating? When my DH comes in he likes to go for a looonng poo. Irritating but there you go.

SecretNutellaFix · 27/08/2018 22:15

YANBU.

My husband has a habit of fucking off and doing shit despite knowing a cooked meal is imminent.

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