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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dinner to be eaten just after I’ve cooked it?

140 replies

Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 20:42

So dh and I had a thing today, both thinking the other person being unreasonable. Ended with dh saying, go on mumsnet and then you’ll see- I thought yes I will and I bet mumsnet will be on my side!
If it turns out iabu I will eat humble pie —and not show him this thread—
So here it is. We are from different cultures with different attitudes to mealtimes. I was raised to eat meals at set times, family eating together. He was raised where family don’t necessarily eat together, and when someone turns up at home they will be offered a full meal regardless of the time of day, then it’s normal for them to eat on their own without the other family members joining in. Think I’ve got that right.
Anyway today I felt for dh, had to work tiring shift on bank holiday while me and dd had a nice day off together. So I thought I’d cook him one of his fave things and texted him to ask if I should get it ready for 7pm (was checking as sometimes he has other stuff to do after work and doesn’t come straight home from work). He texted back ‘yeah great xxx etc’ and I felt that I was in the running for dw of the year Smile
Anyway he comes home and it’s cooking, he’s playing with dd, at about 7.10 I say ‘ok it will be ready in about 3 mins’ he says great, goes upstairs. I plate it up (fish yam and beans) and say —yell upstairs— it’s ready. He said ok just one moment and comes down about 15 mins later starts fixing himself a drink (he doesn’t like to drink with food). So I get cross and say something like, ‘you’re having a drink, you don’t want to eat yet’ and he said yes in a minute etc etc. Anyway I said I was really offended that I had cooked something that was nice when it was fresh, not cold/ microwaved and I had also checked what time he wanted it and he said I was being all uptight and imposing my culture on him by expecting him to eat when it’s cooked, when he’s not ready. And I said he was imposing his culture on me by expecting me not to be offended that I had cooked him a nice meal and he didn’t seem bothered about eating it cold/microwaved and I might have well have not bothered.
What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

OP posts:
BlueberryPud · 27/08/2018 22:19

I'd really hate to be told, I've cooked it so you need to eat it NOW

I agree. I really can't eat if I'm not hungry enough, - and I never know if I'm going to be hungry enough a couple of hours ahead of time.
I also like to relax when I get home, before eating.
If it's a situation where it's a family meal all eating together then obviously I'll sit down and eat it, but don't really enjoy eating for the sake of it.
If nobody's waiting around for me I'd prefer to wait until I feel proper hungry. I don't think people do that enough.

Orchiddingme · 27/08/2018 22:20

I'm also curious what his "culture" is that agrees a time for dinner, has it cooked for him, then leaves it to go cold, and eats it 15 mins later

Lots of cultures don't bolt their dinners down quickly because of heat and then all leave the table. Mediterranean cultures often take 2/3 or even longer hours to eat, and there's a lot more faffing and eating a tiny bit, then a bit more a bit later and so on. In my husband's culture they don't care about food being hot, they don't serve it hot often, it' just comes lukewarm and you might eat it over a long period of time.

We have had to meet in the middle, we do some family meals to a set time, and I like him to be at the table and eat with the rest of us. Sometimes we don't do that and we all eat in a bit more of a haphazard fashion. I don't get stressed any more if my husband doesn't rush to the table every time, equally he does if it's a time important to me and I've made that clear (e.g. Sunday lunch).

Sounds like you need to talk about this and please both of you some of the time, OP, but when to start eating, how to eat, how long to eat and when someone stops is not just a matter of universal 'manners', it's culturally variable as well as different between families so all the people shouting 'manners' or 'rude' perhaps haven't eaten in many other cultures!

Fairylea · 27/08/2018 22:22

I think he was rude. You asked him when he would be home and he knew you were cooking and was just faffing about. He could have stopped and eaten it when it was ready as a sign of respect that you made it fresh for him. To me anything else is just rude.

Different if he came in late and it had been done hours ago and didn’t matter when he ate it.

Bimgy85 · 27/08/2018 22:26

Jesus you can't cook for him and then dictate what time he eats the meal at. Who cares if he said in passing 'yes I'll have it at 7pm' then when 7pm comes he's not exactly starving yet so decides he will have it later, genuinely don't see the big deal. Seriously controlling....

BuntyII · 27/08/2018 22:29

He was pretty rude. Just do what I do, plate up dinners when you have them cooked and let people eat them whenever they want. If it's destroyed that's on them!

LannieDuck · 27/08/2018 22:32

I've only had a very small experience of working in an African country, but my in-country colleagues took great pleasure in explaining 'African time' (their phrase) to us :) Everything happens an hour or so after it's scheduled.

FarrahMoan · 27/08/2018 22:39

YANBU

I'd be annoyed if my DH didn't eat it when it was ready

BlueberryPud · 27/08/2018 22:39

My mil can't get her head round the fact that dh and myself not only eat at different times, but often eat different meals when we're at home together. She says 'That must make life very difficult'.

But it doesn't. What would make life difficult would be having to eat a meal that you don't really fancy when you're not very hungry.
We do consult each other. 'I'm making such and such, would you like some?' Sometimes it's yes please, at other times it's no I'll make myself something later.

Ethylred · 27/08/2018 22:42

Not jist, gist.
The software here even tells you when your spelling is wrong.
There is no excuse. Exterminate exterminate.

JynxaSmoochum · 27/08/2018 22:46

He was rude. He knew when the food would be ready. It was made for him and the type of food was not great for hanging around. You've gone to effort to cater for him, he can respect that by eating it while it's in good condition.

If it was a help yourself to the leftovers in the pot, that would be different.

If he wants dinner in his own random time, he can have a stock of quick and easy stuff like Pot Noodles stashed away.

bridgetreilly · 27/08/2018 22:49

I think he could have said, "That's great, just leave it when it's done and I'll eat it when I'm ready", but I also think you could have said, "It'll be ready at 7pm, so you can heat it up when you want." As it was, you sound incredibly needy and he sounds thoughtless, so you were both a bit unreasonable.

fiorentina · 27/08/2018 22:57

YANBU, I would find it rude too.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/08/2018 22:59

Oh my ex’s family was like this. Big pot with chilled stew always on the hob.

Ah, his mum’s cooking! That was a tough one to give up.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 27/08/2018 23:00

But anyway YANBU because it’s out of respect for whoever cooked it.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 27/08/2018 23:05

It bugs me too.

If he didn’t want to eat then he should have told you that so you could either get it ready to be warmed through later or not bothered. It is so rude and thoughtless to just let your partner get something ready for you only to basically ignore it.

AjasLipstick · 27/08/2018 23:13

It's his body and he knows when he wants to eat surely?

Sparrowlegs248 · 27/08/2018 23:15

It always annoyed me, my stbxh used to leave a meal waiting for up to half an hour after I'd cooked for both of us. If end up eating mine alone getting annoyed. I did post on here about it and was told he was an act and it was up to him if he ate cold food. I don't think that's the poin t really, I think it's rude to leave a meal someone has cooked for you, until it's cold. Rude to leave someone to eat alone.

Original poster
Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 23:18

@Ethelred apologies Grin
Also thanks to all the pp for the replies, food for thought Smile

OP posts:
ferrier · 27/08/2018 23:20

YABU.
I do most of the cooking in my house and whilst I like it when we all eat together I understand that my dh and dc have other things to do and don't always want to eat at the precise time I've got the meal ready for.
We do eat together at the weekend but in the week they'll just come and eat when they're ready, putting it in the microwave if needed.
And I'm the same too. I eat when it suits me mostly, not when the meal is hot, even when it's me that's just made it.

AjasLipstick · 27/08/2018 23:25

You say you were doing something nice for him but with you insisting he eats it when you want him to.....then it becomes about you and you feeling appreciated for what you did.

Lethaldrizzle · 27/08/2018 23:25

Jeez if he's got enough energy to faff about making himself drinks etc and is not even hungry, he can cook his own frickin meal at a time that suits him. Yanbu

Uncreative · 27/08/2018 23:28

YANBU

I had a similar issue with my ex. We had a raging row. He insisted he was not unreasonable and I was trying to control him. I told him to ask his colleagues what they thought the next day. He came back from work having had his arse handed to him, apologized halfheartedly and we split up a couple of weeks later.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 27/08/2018 23:37

I think he was being very rude. You gave him ample warning and double checked with him about the timing. It's the kind of meal which should be eaten fresh to be at its best.

I grew up in a family where dinner was always eaten together. The time may have varied a bit but we always ate as a family.

bumblingbovine49 · 27/08/2018 23:48

Blimey. Everyone else had eaten, you weren't waiting in him to eat. Let him eat it whenever he wants to. He should eat it cold or heat it up himself of course but as long as you are not having to do anything but leave themesl on the table it being a bit controlling to insist he eat it when you want him to

Kisskiss · 28/08/2018 00:58

My husband used to tell me he’d ‘be home at x’ then show up an hour or more after ‘x’ (meaning 9 -10ish pm)

Meanwhile the food id cooked for us had gone cold and I’d be starving, waiting for him to have dinner with me after working a long day myself...

Sooo, after some unsuccessful attempts at discussing (nicely) why I found his behaviour undesirable, I decided I would just stop making him any dinner /waiting for him ... things changed after a while lol

I can see why you were annoyed op

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