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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect dinner to be eaten just after I’ve cooked it?

140 replies

Waterfall010 · 27/08/2018 20:42

So dh and I had a thing today, both thinking the other person being unreasonable. Ended with dh saying, go on mumsnet and then you’ll see- I thought yes I will and I bet mumsnet will be on my side!
If it turns out iabu I will eat humble pie —and not show him this thread—
So here it is. We are from different cultures with different attitudes to mealtimes. I was raised to eat meals at set times, family eating together. He was raised where family don’t necessarily eat together, and when someone turns up at home they will be offered a full meal regardless of the time of day, then it’s normal for them to eat on their own without the other family members joining in. Think I’ve got that right.
Anyway today I felt for dh, had to work tiring shift on bank holiday while me and dd had a nice day off together. So I thought I’d cook him one of his fave things and texted him to ask if I should get it ready for 7pm (was checking as sometimes he has other stuff to do after work and doesn’t come straight home from work). He texted back ‘yeah great xxx etc’ and I felt that I was in the running for dw of the year
Anyway he comes home and it’s cooking, he’s playing with dd, at about 7.10 I say ‘ok it will be ready in about 3 mins’ he says great, goes upstairs. I plate it up (fish yam and beans) and say —yell upstairs— it’s ready. He said ok just one moment and comes down about 15 mins later starts fixing himself a drink (he doesn’t like to drink with food). So I get cross and say something like, ‘you’re having a drink, you don’t want to eat yet’ and he said yes in a minute etc etc. Anyway I said I was really offended that I had cooked something that was nice when it was fresh, not cold/ microwaved and I had also checked what time he wanted it and he said I was being all uptight and imposing my culture on him by expecting him to eat when it’s cooked, when he’s not ready. And I said he was imposing his culture on me by expecting me not to be offended that I had cooked him a nice meal and he didn’t seem bothered about eating it cold/microwaved and I might have well have not bothered.
What do you reckon? Maybe I have been too uptight...but it’s how I was raised, like my mum would have told me off if I hadn’t eaten when it was cooked fresh??
Btw he did point out that it wasn’t like I was waiting on him to eat together as I had eaten earlier with dd, feel I should add that in all fairness but I still don’t think iabu...?

OP posts:

daleya · 28/08/2018 02:52

YNBU but not worth the aggro, don't cook for him again. Or buy a heap of microwave meals so he can eat at his leisure considering he likes his food warmed up

Frogpond · 28/08/2018 03:00

I guess it's one of those both of you were right. However it would bother me too.
If I cook I make dinner and expect everyone to eat as soon as it's ready. Unless someone is out their meal gets put in the fridge. If you choose not to come to the table you risk missing out, if all the roast potatoes are gone it's too bad.

AjasLipstick · 28/08/2018 03:09

don't cook for him again Why? Because he didn't eat it on cue like a good boy?

This thread is alarming!

If DH cooks for me or if I cook for DH, we'd never DREAM of expecting it to be eaten when WE wanted it to be eaten! It's frigging weird!

Yes the food might be at it's best when freshly cooked but people don't automatically WANT food then....sometimes you just don't fancy it or feel sick or have a headache or need a wee or a multitude of reasons!

To get so controlling about something is odd.

ittakes2 · 28/08/2018 03:50

I think yabu. You know culturally he has different eating patterns to you. He might have decided he would enjoy his dinner more if he had his drink first...and yet you have decided he needs to eat on your terms. When you do something nice for somebody the concept is that once you have given something it’s their’s to decide how they want to benefit from it. You are approaching it from a persepective that...I have made this effort for you and you must enjoy it the way I want you to enjoy it or I will be mad! I personally prefer my food hot and fresh as I think microwaving it destroys nutrients...but he‘s not a child and gets to eat when he wants to!

cholka · 28/08/2018 06:00

It's rude of him to know you'd made it and not show appreciation, it was naive of you to know his attitude to meals and expect him to eat on cue.
Just work out your expectations from each other. Or make stew.

Bunintheoven88 · 28/08/2018 06:25

I didn't know it was a cultural thing, but more of a common sense thing to just eat dinner when it was ready in the first place?

Galvantula · 28/08/2018 06:29

YANBU because he had several opportunities to tell you that he didn't want to eat at 7pm.

Maybe if you'd surprised him with the meal and he wasn't hungry!

actualpuffins · 28/08/2018 06:38

We sometimes eat at different times but DH has to come promptly for his food if I've made it for him.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 28/08/2018 06:39

You are both wrong

We eat at more or less the same time every day, I mainly cook. If DH is not around or "not hungry yet" I set aside a portion for him to reheat. Some stuff is really.not nice reheated or "old" (fish, risotto, salad) but that is his outlook.

It sounds like you try to control (an aspect of) him, and that he resists this to make a point. It is not a "culture" thing, it's a personality thing.

speakout · 28/08/2018 06:41

We are a crazy busy house, meals are eaten when people can fit them in- so I cook ahead, stuff is usually microwaved and eaten later.

It's rare for everyone to be at home together so a sit down meal with the whole family rarely happens.

deepsea · 28/08/2018 06:42

It is rude when someone has cooked especially for you to just rock up when it is stone cold and past its best. It seems to me to be ungrateful.

I hope he apologises and next time (if there is one) he should show some respect by not leaving it to go cold on the table. I am not sure I would be in a rush to be cooking for him anymore op full stop. Perhaps he would like to help himself to a bowl of cereal next time..

Charolais · 28/08/2018 07:03

Put your foot down like I had to.

I’m a Brit living and my husband is American. In the U.S. people eat when dinner is ready and eat at the same time - except for my husband. He'll wander off and start doing things such as feeding the pets when dinner is ready. It took me years to break him of the habit - then his brother came to stay with us and has the same rude habit. When I tell him dinner is ready he would get up from his chair and take a shower, or fold his laundry, anything other than eat. Sometimes he’d be gone for almost an hour!

Some food items would be soggy and other’s just don't reheat in the microwave well. Once the dog ate it. lol. The last time he stayed my trained husband gave him a talking to and now he shows up at the table looking a bit frightened of me.

OliviaStabler · 28/08/2018 07:28

YANBU. He was rude and inconsiderate.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 28/08/2018 07:42

Sorry OP, I think.yabu.
You & dd had already eaten.
Did he thank you for cooking the meal?
He came back from a day at work and it sounds like he needed to.unwind

Upsy1981 · 28/08/2018 07:44

YANBU on the basis that you gave him several warnings when dinner would be ready and if he didn't want it then, he should have said he wasn't ready not just disappeared off doing his own thing. Culture or not, that is just rude.

Ansumpasty · 28/08/2018 07:51

Better to eat it when he’s actually hungry and appreciates it, rather than force it.

It used to annoy me a little, too, but my husband eats hours after us. Don’t overthink it, it isn’t a big deal

Frogpond · 28/08/2018 07:56

I don't think it's that big of a deal, as long as you are not expected to prepare him a meal when he gets home.

Nikephorus · 28/08/2018 08:07

they’ve got this thing of not opening presents when you give them!
Now that sounds fab to me, no having to make sure you've got the right expression on your face, that you sound appropriately enthusiastic quickly enough and so on.

Parpulous · 28/08/2018 08:10

It kisses me off when people do this - I don't want to put the effort into cooking and then have them eat a horrible lukewarm meal. I feel it's really disrespectful, especially if you've given them plenty of warning as to when it'll be ready.

Nikephorus · 28/08/2018 08:15

Sounds like you need to talk about this and please both of you some of the time, OP, but when to start eating, how to eat, how long to eat and when someone stops is not just a matter of universal 'manners', it's culturally variable as well as different between families so all the people shouting 'manners' or 'rude' perhaps haven't eaten in many other cultures!
This ^^. Surely if a couple has different ways of doing things there's discussion & compromise? Or does it have to be that if a man wants to do something differently he's being controlling and emotionally abusive? OP isn't unreasonable to be upset that the meal she'd prepared wasn't eaten at its potential best, but equally DH is not unreasonable for applying his own upbringing & culture to it and eating when he was ready. It's not wrong, it's just different.

BarbarianMum · 28/08/2018 08:18

I think this thread is a good example of conservation bias. Wonder if the answers would differ if there were more west African posters on here?

OP you'll find lots of Brits happy on here to tell you that our culture is superior, if that's what you want to hear. But speaking as someone whose (previously) lived in WA for several years, I suggest a bit of flexibility might be better than constantly working out who/ what's right. If you're eating together, you all eat when it's ready. If you're eating separately, he heats it up when he's ready. Most of the soups heat up fine, he can make fresh gari/fufu for himself if thats what you're serving. If he doesnt like that, then point out that you are not a WA wife (the poster upthread who pointed out how much time wives spend in the kitchen is spot on).

HermioneGoesBackHome · 28/08/2018 08:33

I still dint think it has anything to do with when one is eating or whether people are eating together etc...
It has everything to do with the fact he said one thing and then did someth8ng else.
So HE said he wouod want his meal at 7.00. HE said he would be coming to eat in a minute. HE then showed to the OP that actually he didn’t want to (by pouring himself a drink).
In effect HE said yes to everything and then acted in a PA way and decided to do something else. Even though everyth8ng was organised around him.

Think, what if it wasn’t about eating a meal but going to x place? Would people still be happy for him to act this way? Is there a culture where agreeing to something and then going back to it is ok?

Yes it’s just a small thing BUT it’s clearly something that is happening regularly. And I would wonder if
1- it’s something that happens in other areas,
2- if he would be happy to be left to his own devices, have no meal prepared for him and had to sorted out it himself (I suspect not btw),
3- if he has actually thought just a little bit about the fact the OP did ‘an act of love’, was trying to be nice to him because he was working during BH weekend etc... just to have that effort thrown back to her face.

slashlover · 28/08/2018 08:39

I do this, even when I'm cooking for myself. Sometimes food which is cooked fresh is too hot for me to eat so leaving it for 10/15 mins means that I'm not blowing on it etc. I will leave a cup of tea or coffee for 20-30 mins before it's at an acceptable drinking temperature too.

Food is not stone cold or inedible after 15 minutes.

toomuchtooold · 28/08/2018 08:40

Don't fall for the "in my culture" BS till you've had the chance to sound out your MIL on the subject. And yes, I think your DH was rude. Different if he'd said to you when he came in, actually I'm not hungry yet can you just leave it on the hob? Then it could have been reheated. Once it's plated you eat it.

Orchiddingme · 28/08/2018 09:04

This can all be solved with discussion. Talk about how eating together as a family is important for you, and set aside some meals in the week to do that. Talk about how eating when you are hungry and not on a timetable is important for him, and be flexible on other occasions.

In this instance, you could have said 'I'd like to sit together as a family and eat, it'll be at 7, is that ok with you?' and if it wasn't he could have said instead of just wandering about. Other times it may be fine for everyone to eat in a staggered way.

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