About dsd in my bed?

[hotstepper4]

I have a small, 2 bed mid terrace Victorian house. One large bedroom, one tiny.

I have a ds7, and a dsd10, dss8 and dss5. At the moment we have all the boys in the big bedroom - dss's share a bunk bed and ds has a single bed of his own. He used to share a bunk bed with dsd, but when she turned 9 we decided that as the only girl she needed her space, and we bought another bunk bed for mine and dh's room, the small one - a triple bunk, the bottom is a double which me and dh sleep in, and the top single was for dsd. When she stays (eow and Tuesdays) me and dh sleep on the sofa bed downstairs.

However, my room is now very much dsds room. Her posters are up, her rug down, her furniture. Recently she decided she doesn't want to sleep on her single bunk anymore, and now sleeps in my bed when she stays. Now she's older, she spends a lot of time lounging up there with her tablet. I feel like no where is mine anymore. Plus, my house looks like a dormitory!

Aibu to want her to at least stay in her own bed? I'm not a wicked sm, far from it I adore my dsc but the children have taken over this whole house!

This thread highlights how little people are aware of the “housing crises”. There are many families living in similar (if not worse) situations to op.

My aunt had 2 boys, 2 girls in a small 2 bed. In the end, they put in a wall bed for themselves in the living room. It was in an alcove, behind a curtain so you didn’t notice it. www.wallbedking.co.uk

I would allow dad to put up her posters etc around the top bunk only, and put up curtains to screen off the top bunk when she is not there to claim back your grown-up space.

I know you have a lot of outgoings but i was surprised to see that you do not regularly save anything - even £50 a month would help and stop you having to rely on your credit card for those one-off sudden emergencies like car or boiler problems.

This thread highlights how little people are aware of the “housing crises”. There are many families living in similar (if not worse) situations to op.

With respect, though - this isn’t really that, is it? It’s not an unsolvable situation, they’re not stuck there. OP has the choice to move - they privately rent, they have disposable income.

I’m quite aware of the housing crisis, I suspect most posters are, tbh. There’s only just been a PP talking about sleeping permanently in their living room.

So you and DH had a 1 bed flat before the house. What did he live in BEFORE you met? How was he housing his 3 children prior to that? And why on Earth did you both live in a 1 bed flat with 4 D.C. in tow

Do you have 1 or 2 reception rooms downstairs? If it’s 2, use 1 as a bedroom for you and DH and give DSD the small bedroom upstairs.

I know you have a lot of outgoings but i was surprised to see that you do not regularly save anything - even £50 a month would help and stop you having to rely on your credit card for those one-off sudden emergencies like car or boiler problems

I agree with this. After mortgage/bills/food etc we have far less than you left over for fun/entertainment but we still put money away for savings. Even if you just put £50 a month away you could build a safety net and avoid having to use your credit cards.

600 per month is loads and loads of that is after bills. You need to make changes. Move further out etc

If it's such an issue for you, and you really value your space, then you'll use some of the disposable income on rent instead of having some of those 'luxuries'. This thread bugs me so much it's not as if you dont have the money to get out of the situation. Just would rather spend it on evenings out. completely not jealous you can actually afford to do that

Why have £600 a month spare and be paying £300 a month debt? Surely you should clear all the debt first with that ASAP then have that £300 a month towards a bigger home?

£600 spare a month, ‘only’ £50k salary

It’s clear OP and her DP don’t prioritise improving their children’s living situation. This isn’t an unsolvable problem, they’re not on the bones of their arses with no options. They just don’t want to solve it.

Double your debt repayments to £600 a month. How long would it then take to clear the debt?
Once debt is clear you can spend that £600 on a bigger house.

Boys in smaller room either in the current triple bunk bed with 2 of then sharing the double or by proper triple bunk bed. And then split the bigger room between you and dsd

6 people in a 2 bed is cramped. If you cant or won't move then your choice is put up with it as things currently are, or risk making your SD feel unwelcome enough that she won't stay over. She's likely to do that anyway, as she gets older, because you just don't have enough space.

I agree with Regina and Snog. Throw everything at the debt and clear it as quickly as possible. Then you’d have £900 per month to play with and surely that would put a bigger house within reach?

I was one of four kids living in a two bed terrace with my parents in London. My DB shared with my parents, me and two sisters in one room and my male cousin slept on a mattress downstairs. It was hell. Please prioritise paying off your debt and move.

Tbh id look at joint custody, scrap maintenence and use that 500 for more rent.
I don't see why, otherwise, they need to sleep. While he is paying their home is at their mothers.
I feel sorry for OP's ds in this, he should have an undisturbed bedroom, the others arent his siblings, just random kids he is forced to give up his privacy for.
Id be looking at living apart if it were me.

Fuck me, I was sympathetic until I saw you'd claimed you'd be on the breadline if you spent £100 more on rent, but you are paying off debts at £300 a month and have £600 spare?! Give your head a fucking wobble, it's offensive to suggest you'd be on the breadline on £50k (even in the SE) when many, many people really are having to rely on food banks, are living in hostels with their DC or are paying a hell of a lot more in rent on a smaller income. We live in London and make less than half what you do, we live comfortably because we budget and don't take on debt. Your priority should be suitable housing for your DC not £600 worth of frivolous spending every month.

It does sound like you don’t want to change the situation - you have £600 entertainment money, that isn’t near breadline.

Recognise around you may be expensive - can’t you move further out? My mortgage in London for my one bedroom is double what it was in a county outside London for a three bed house - but the latter didn’t stop me seeing friends and commuting.

Tbh id look at joint custody, scrap maintenence and use that 500 for more rent.
I don't see why, otherwise, they need to sleep. While he is paying their home is at their mothers.

If I was their mum and OP's DH suggested that I'd laugh in his face. They've got £600 a month spare for entertainment plus nights out for the two of them. They could afford at least another £400 a month on rent from that.

Id be looking at living apart if it were me.

I agree with that.

I had sympathy originally.

I earn 50k, am a single parent and live in the London, it is tight every month. I am not entitled to any benefits, pay £1400 for a small two bed, can't move further out due to the commute. After rent, travel and utility bills I have £400 per month for food and activities.

But this situation is of your own choosing, you could easily move, save the £600 for a few months and you have a deposit. You could easily spend £100-200 extra per month on rent.

You need to budget, as soon enough your SC will not want to come to you, as they get older they will want their own privacy.

not to pile on but you're going to have teenagers in the house soon enough. Big, loud, messy gross teenagers who will absolutely need their own space, and trust me you'll want them to have their own space too! I live in SE in a v popular close to London Town and sure it's pricey but there are cheaper houses to be found. We were shown a 4 bed 3 reception room house in our price range but it was on an estate and we foolishly ruled it out in favour of a smaller terrace that was 'pretty' - I wish we'd taken the space tbh. There will be cheaper properties around and if it's a nice town the 'bad' bits won't really be bad - and we've had more burglaries in our 'naice ' area than the estate has seen so...!

St Albans for example; £1000 might get you a 2 bed tiny terrace in the town bit but a 3 bed with extra reception room a bit further out but still walking distance of station. Often it's not just an extra bedroom but an extra room downstairs/extra loo which with that many people in a house makes a big difference to the feeling of space

I don't see why, otherwise, they need to sleep

So they should never get to spend overnights with their dad because he hasn’t prioritised bigger housing?

Silkpyjamas please share how you live comfortably in London on under £25k. Unless you are heavily subsidising your income with housing benefit, council tax and tax credits I really don't think it is a simple case of 'bugeting'. I would love to be proven wrong though, I'd move to London in a heartbeat if I thought I could live on a salary of £25k.

@nellyolsenscurl it is doable, I've done it on £23k (but no children) and I know people who have done it and have children and don't get housing benefit, council tax etc. It can be tight but it can also be done.

Crazy, 6 people in a 2 bed terrace, madness, this must be putting a massive strain on your relationship

The situation you've described OP does not sound ideal for that many people in your small house. You shouldn't be the one having to make such significant compromises, it should be those children's father who should own their well-being. I know you say you love the,, but that's not the point, you don't have the resource to fulfill their growing needs.

Grumbling that you don't have enough space and putting the blame on your DSD makes me think "well you asked for it". In your situation there would be no way on earth I'd have allowed the situation to come about. Sorry if that sounds harsh.