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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dsd in my bed?

181 replies

hotstepper4 · 27/08/2018 18:18

I have a small, 2 bed mid terrace Victorian house. One large bedroom, one tiny.

I have a ds7, and a dsd10, dss8 and dss5. At the moment we have all the boys in the big bedroom - dss's share a bunk bed and ds has a single bed of his own. He used to share a bunk bed with dsd, but when she turned 9 we decided that as the only girl she needed her space, and we bought another bunk bed for mine and dh's room, the small one - a triple bunk, the bottom is a double which me and dh sleep in, and the top single was for dsd. When she stays (eow and Tuesdays) me and dh sleep on the sofa bed downstairs.

However, my room is now very much dsds room. Her posters are up, her rug down, her furniture. Recently she decided she doesn't want to sleep on her single bunk anymore, and now sleeps in my bed when she stays. Now she's older, she spends a lot of time lounging up there with her tablet. I feel like no where is mine anymore. Plus, my house looks like a dormitory!

Aibu to want her to at least stay in her own bed? I'm not a wicked sm, far from it I adore my dsc but the children have taken over this whole house!

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 27/08/2018 19:25

Can she not sleep on the sofa bed downstairs if moving isn’t an option?

cloudtree · 27/08/2018 19:26

Two sets of bunk beds in the big room. Curtain on DSD's bed. You and DH take the smaller room.

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2018 19:27

Sorry, see she’s 10 not 8. Probably moving back with the boys is a bad idea then.

Could the boys have the small room - 2 DSSs share the bottom double when they stay, your DS has the top single? You and DP move into big room & partition a space with an IKEA Kallax or something for DSD?

Do you have a dining room you could use instead?

But moving is really what you need to do.

ArnoldBee · 27/08/2018 19:28

Can you have some kind of noticeboard that you can flip round with her posters on one side and your stuff on the other?

strawberrypenguin · 27/08/2018 19:30

I agree with pp's you really do need a bigger house - but I know that's easier said than done!

In the mean time I'd be setting some rules about the bedroom - she is to stay in her bed and not use yours. Also no posters on the wall but the rug can stay.

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2018 19:30

If you, your DP and DS7 are the ones living in the house full-time, it makes sense did you and DP to have the bigger room, and add in 1 extra some nights, and your DS to have the smaller room, adding in 2 extras some nights.

Twotailed · 27/08/2018 19:30

If you can’t move I’m not sure what your options are - she has to feel welcome in your house. Could you do even a pretend partition of the big room with freestanding screens, so she has her own space?

You’ll need to move before she’s much older anyway, a teenager won’t put up with sharing a bunk bed with her dad.

I’d start keeping an eye out for a three bed rental and saving so that it’s a possibility for you in the next couple of years.

namechangedsorry123 · 27/08/2018 19:30

Byebyebye - she does have her own space and is taking over the OP and her husband's space! As the adults and as they live there permanently they should have priority.

All these suggestions for you to move are ridiculous, I understand it's not that simple. Do you have a dining room that you could convert to her bedroom? Otherwise, she needs to sleep in her own single bed and leave your double as your own. I couldn't manage with someone sleeping in my bed.

SoyDora · 27/08/2018 19:32

With 6 people in a 2 bed house there isn’t really going to be an ideal solution.
I’d agree that ground rules need to be put in place re sleeping in your bed. She has her own bed. Can you give her a corner to put her posters up in that’s just hers?
Tough one but if you can’t move then there’s no solution really.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/08/2018 19:38

Sorry see she is ten. But still an option for a year or two to be in with the boys.

I assume that this was your and your son house and then your partner moved in, along with his parenting responsibilities.

Byebyebye · 27/08/2018 19:40

Namechange - can you actually read? I said the SUGGESTION to bug her into the LIVING ROOM on a sofa wouldn’t be okay because she needs to have her own space feel welcome at her dads house. Not that she doesn’t have her own space right now.

Fucking hell I don’t know if people are genuinely thick or just enjoy twisting what people stay to fit their own narrative.

doublerainbows · 27/08/2018 19:40

So, how about havibng a double bed in your room. Get her a lovely trunk for the end of your bed. In it, goes her rug, her duvet and her bedding. On top when she is not there, her posters. Let her decorate the trunk/box and if you hate it, you simply put a nice throw over it. Reclaim your space by choosing the bed, have your own bedding that goes with you and store her things away.
You must be doing such a good job that she feels so at home. How about she gets to decorate one wall with her posters and you get a screen that you can put across them when she is not there?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 27/08/2018 19:41

Why did you move 6 people into a 2 bed house that is too small for you all? How long are you planning to share with your DSD? She could be coming until she is 18/19!

OctaviaOctober · 27/08/2018 19:42

There's nothing to do. It's her home on those days, she probably doesn't love that she has to sleep in her DF and DSMs bedroom either. The posters and furniture will make it feel more like hers. It's your space the rest of the time.

I'd just focus on earning and saving as much as you possibly can, and looking around for a reasonably priced three bed rental. In a few years she will probably want full privacy anyway.

Whyohsky · 27/08/2018 19:43

So, your DP moved into your house along with his three kids? Knowing how small it was? Why didn’t he sort out a bigger place? Sorry OP but he sounds like a cocklodger.

MissVanjie · 27/08/2018 19:48

"So, your DP moved into your house along with his three kids? Knowing how small it was? Why didn’t he sort out a bigger place? Sorry OP but he sounds like a cocklodger."

this

if he was single he would need more than a 2 bed as he has 2 sons and a dd

where is he in all this? they're his children, he has a duty to house them adequately

Glumglowworm · 27/08/2018 19:50

A two bedroom house is too small for six people. It just is. Unless maybe both bedrooms were huge and all four kids were the same age and same sex. But even then, four in one room isn’t great.

You and DP were mad to move in together into such a small home.

Your DD absolutely needs her own space. it’s not her fault that the adults in her life live in a too-small home. And it’s right that the adults who made that choice get the inconvenience of sleeping on the sofa when she’s there.

As PP said, set boundaries. She sleeps in her own single bed, you all compromise on decorations, or they come down when she’s not staying.

But really, long term, you need to work towards moving somewhere bigger.

Pinkcadillac · 27/08/2018 19:51

If I was your DSD I'd prefer to sleep in the living room TBH

Myneighboursnorlax · 27/08/2018 19:54

Triple bunk like this: www.wayfair.co.uk/children-nursery/hd0/derby-3-tier-triple-sleeper-bunk-bed-l1074-k~jkid1047.html?refid=GX200082348199-JKID1047&device=m&ptid=323563478806&targetid=pla-323563478806&network=g&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqJCosPON3QIVybztCh3GgwrDEAQYAiABEgJ06_D_BwE

in the small room for the three boys. Then a double bed and single bed in the big room, seperated with kallax. Dsd can decorate her side then.

Westworldmaeve · 27/08/2018 19:54

You need to move. I know you don't want to but you need to. Time to be the adult and do what's best for your family.

19lottie82 · 27/08/2018 19:58

I don’t mean to sound judgey, but what was your partners living situation before he moved in with you? Surely he should have made sure he moved in somewhere with adequate space for his kids? And 6 people in a 2 bed isn’t aququate I’m afraid.

You need to move. The situation will only get worse as the kids get older.

happypoobum · 27/08/2018 19:59

How did this situation come about OP? How long have you been with their father? Did you already rent your home and he has moved in with you? Or did you rent it together, knowing you had to fit so many people into it?

Kahlua4me · 27/08/2018 20:02

I think a triple bunk in the small room would be best with Kallax to divide the big room for you and dsd.

ChristmasPlanner · 27/08/2018 20:05

This isn't fair on anyone, I can't imagine your DSD will want to stay over much longer, she'll be at secondary school in a years time this sleeping arrangement isn't appropriate at all. What does your DP and his ex think?

HermioneGoesBackHome · 27/08/2018 20:19

I think you have it right. It’s ok to ask her to stay in HER bed, rather than yours.

I also think it’s ok to ask her to not take over the whole bedroom with her posters etc...
If she was sharing with another child, it wouod be normal for her to have, let’s say, her posters at the level of her bunk but nowhere else so each child can have their own space.

You can and need your own space too and it’s ok to ask for it imo.

That way, she has her bed, her space, like the others dcs but you still keep some sense of private space too.

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