About dsd in my bed?

[hotstepper4]

I have a small, 2 bed mid terrace Victorian house. One large bedroom, one tiny.

I have a ds7, and a dsd10, dss8 and dss5. At the moment we have all the boys in the big bedroom - dss's share a bunk bed and ds has a single bed of his own. He used to share a bunk bed with dsd, but when she turned 9 we decided that as the only girl she needed her space, and we bought another bunk bed for mine and dh's room, the small one - a triple bunk, the bottom is a double which me and dh sleep in, and the top single was for dsd. When she stays (eow and Tuesdays) me and dh sleep on the sofa bed downstairs.

However, my room is now very much dsds room. Her posters are up, her rug down, her furniture. Recently she decided she doesn't want to sleep on her single bunk anymore, and now sleeps in my bed when she stays. Now she's older, she spends a lot of time lounging up there with her tablet. I feel like no where is mine anymore. Plus, my house looks like a dormitory!

Aibu to want her to at least stay in her own bed? I'm not a wicked sm, far from it I adore my dsc but the children have taken over this whole house!

Btw, for those of you who are saying that 6 peole in a two bed house isn’t adequate...
I’d like to remind you that sometimes people just dint have the choice.

If her DP hadn’t moved in with the OP, nothing is saying that the issue wouldn’t have been the same.
Rent can be expensive, esp if your income is low. And yes you can end up in a two bed house with 3 dcs staying over...
Esp when it’s only for 1.5 night a week......

Not every family can afford two family house when they split up. Harsh but very true....

Thanks everyone. I wish just moving somewhere bigger was an option but like a lot of people nowadays we just about make ends meet and even another 100.00 a month rent would put us on the breadline.

In answer to someone's question why did we rent a 2 bed when there is 4 kids, finances again, plus the dsc are only sleeping here around 8 days a month. I think id rather dsd feels homely and comfortable here than her feeling like she doesn't have a space to call her own. It's just very frustrating sometimes. I genuinely appreciate your comments.

Given OP was renting this place for her and her DS before DP moved in, surely his contribution would allow for more rent budget on a 3 bed rather than a 2, or does he not contribute? The further in rent between a two and three bed will be much less than he'd be paying to rent his own place, even a one bed

I'm not sure why people think I had this house before dh moved in. We didnt. We rented it together as before, we lived in a tiny 1 bed, just me dh and my ds. Dhs exw was reluctant for his dc to sleep there and quite rightly, so we moved 10 miles to a cheaper area to rent this house to enable the dsc to sleep over with us, as before dh could only have daytime contact which was bad for all concerned.

*the difference in rent

I'd based it on previous comments, also I don't think anyone believed you'd rent somewhere so unsuitable of you weren't already tied to a pre-existing lease. I don't know what the solution is OP but this situation isn't sustainable. What would your DP have done if he hadn't met and moved on with you? He would've needed to rent on his own

Renting makes it easier no? You can move much more easily. I understand that you don’t want to pay more but surely you can find somewhere bigger in a less desirable location or even in a worse condition? So many people in a 2 bed just doesn’t work.

This was the most suitable option we could afford and for the first 2 years all the dc were in the big room so it was fine. I guess I just forgot to plan for dsd growing up and us still being here 😂 as soon as we get any kind of proper money we will move.. That's the dream anyway! Our annual income is only 50k and dh pays exw nearly 500.00 a month maintenance plus we have a small amount of credit card debt. Hopefully it will get better soon. Dsd loves having her own space and thinks it's funny that she has our room now.

I do think you need to sort of split the room, DSD needs to stay in her own bed and confine posters etc to her own bit of space instead of spreading into yours. You probably just need to re-draw the boundary with her OP.

You’re all having to manage with small amounts of personal space and that only works if people stick to theirs, it’s not ok that you feel you have nowhere that’s ‘yours’. It sounds like you’ve done a lot so you can all be together but that’s no good if there’s no place for you, time to put your foot down and reclaim your bed!

Your Annual income is ONLY 50k. We bring in half of that and have a Morgage on a 3 bed semi
Which part of the country are you in op?

"Our annual income is only 50k"
Is that right? Surely that's enough to rent a 3-bed house, even with your other expenses?

Got to be London. If it is you may need to think about livinga but further out

Sometimes the answer isn’t to make changes to the set up, but to make your peace with it.

Does it really matter that when your double bed is empty anyway, your SD wants to climb down from her single and enjoy it?

I don’t think it matters. I think it’s your overall feeling of lack of space that makes you feel like it does. Whether she sleeps in your empty double, flips her posters around or not, you’re not going to feel like you have your own space.

So make your peace with it for now. I thought a PP’s idea of poster on a board you can flip was inventive and fun... but also, a faff that wouldn’t actually make you feel any better.

Make a conscious decision to accept it.

I think you will have to stick with it as it is.

I agree with elisandra.

You’re just not going to have that feeling of having your own space in this house. it’s just far too small to allow anyone that. Having your own bedroom 10 out of 14 nights is good going in your situation. It’s what you can afford and it’s nit going to change through you resenting the other 4 nights. Can’t you get over seeing her posters on the walls? I mean really? You’re an adult, are they pictures of Satan? How much time do you actually spend looking at the walls in your bedroom?

ONLY £50k and you can't sensibly accommodate your family? You need to move to an address you might not like as much and desk with longer commutes. Even in the southeast and greater London you can manage a three bed on that income

That gives you nearly £3500 take home a month you need to prioritise, if they were your children and not step children would it still be ok?

What Myneighboursnorlax said

*Triple bunk like this: www.wayfair.co.uk/children-nursery/hd0/derby-3-tier-triple-sleeper-bunk-bed-l1074-k~jkid1047.html?refid=GX200082348199-JKID1047&device=m&ptid=323563478806&targetid=pla-323563478806&network=g&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIqJCosPON3QIVybztCh3GgwrDEAQYAiABEgJ06_D_BwE

in the small room for the three boys. Then a double bed and single bed in the big room, seperated with kallax. Dsd can decorate her side then.*

However instead of the single bed, you could get a mattress/trundle bed that lies underneath your double bed most of the time and gets pulled out for DSD when she visits

Fuck the neighbours...move. That is a ridiculous number of people to have in two bedrooms, you can’ t carry on like this!

YABU to complain that children are taking over the house and it resembles a dormitory when it is your choice to blend the two families. It is only 8 days per month max so you need to suck it up. I feel a bit sorry for the dc though!

I'm sorry but if you earn 50k, and can't afford a 3 bed, you needd to prioritize your outgoings! Budgeting is your friend!

What does your dp say about her being in your bed? She has her own perfectly adequate bed and a bedroom to herself when she sleeps at your house. You make enough sacrifices to accommodate your dsc staying there. Sorry but only. In stepland would you be expected to sacrifice your bed aswell. Is nothing sacred not even your bed? Tell her to keep out of it and if she doesnt then put something over it or on it so that she can't sleep on it. Apart from anything else it's the bed where you and her father have sex (presumably) on occasion or are you expected to make up your bed clean on the two nights she sleeps in case she decides to sleep in it? I presume your dp also finds it 'funny' does he? You need to set some very basic boundaries, your own bed being the very basic.

MN always makes me laugh when it comes to threads like this.

If the OP could move to a bigger place, then she bloody well would????? Lots of posts telling her to move isn't helpful

Yes in an ideal world, you would have a think about how you are going to house all the family members but are we saying OP shouldn't be with her DP because they can't afford a house big enough for everyone? even though everyone doesn't live there full time?

I personally think you have to suck it up, it's a few days a month. Rug away and posters down when she isn't there??

I hear you on the rent - we're in the south east and it's eye watering, (our house is tatty as well!). Re: her taking over your bed - simple solution. Before she arrives, strip the bed and say you're 'leaving it to air'. Remake it when she goes.

What someone said earlier about her posters coming down when she leaves is a great idea and make her feel like it's her space while she's there. Maybe have pictures you like up the same size and stick her poster over the frame.

With the bed situation I would ditch the triple bunk for your own room and get one lovely double bed, you don't need a bunk if you're not all in it at the same time. Have different sheets for when she's staying so it can be her taste when she's there and grown up when she's gone. Will feel a lot less dormy. Honestly what's the problem with her in your bed when you're not sleeping in it.

Put more time and attention into keeping your living room nice and kid free space after 8pm or whatever so you feel really at home and relaxed when it's those four days a month.

But save anything you can to get out of there and to somewhere bigger look out for any good deals and get yourself on all the council waiting lists and housing associations.