About dsd in my bed?

[hotstepper4]

I have a small, 2 bed mid terrace Victorian house. One large bedroom, one tiny.

I have a ds7, and a dsd10, dss8 and dss5. At the moment we have all the boys in the big bedroom - dss's share a bunk bed and ds has a single bed of his own. He used to share a bunk bed with dsd, but when she turned 9 we decided that as the only girl she needed her space, and we bought another bunk bed for mine and dh's room, the small one - a triple bunk, the bottom is a double which me and dh sleep in, and the top single was for dsd. When she stays (eow and Tuesdays) me and dh sleep on the sofa bed downstairs.

However, my room is now very much dsds room. Her posters are up, her rug down, her furniture. Recently she decided she doesn't want to sleep on her single bunk anymore, and now sleeps in my bed when she stays. Now she's older, she spends a lot of time lounging up there with her tablet. I feel like no where is mine anymore. Plus, my house looks like a dormitory!

Aibu to want her to at least stay in her own bed? I'm not a wicked sm, far from it I adore my dsc but the children have taken over this whole house!

Could you maybe look at doing something like this but with a double at the bottom? Bit of mdf and a drill? I think it’s very clever.

think id rather dsd feels homely and comfortable here than her feeling like she doesn't have a space to call her own

But she doesn't have a space to call her own. No-one in your house does. It's a really bad set up and tbh I can't believe you did it on purpose. He should never have moved in with you under those circumstances.

get yourself on all the council waiting lists and housing associations.

The OP won’t be entitled to anything bigger than a 2 bed as they only have 1 resident DC.

I would do as one of the other posters suggested and get rid of the triple bunk and go back to a double and get a blanket box for all her bits and bedding. I think putting the posters in frames and flipping them round is a really good idea. Without having the bunk bed in your room it will feel less like a bunk house

Time to post your outgoings so that we can help you reduce them because it sounds like something is really bizarre with your budget!

No but some council homes are much bigger layouts.
I would be pissed off at someone's kid sleeping in my bed, no matter if I wasn't in it for ages. It's an invasion of space.
I have a sofabed in the lounge, permanently, so my kids get to have their own rooms. It works better because they play up there more, and I get the space at night. I'd utterly love a bedroom and 'stuff', we also have a 2 bed, but you have to make do. You can't 'just move'. God, I'd be in a 5 bed if that were the case.
I would argue your son gets priority in terms of sleeping arrangements, and get a good quality sofabed (although they are not comfy, and nowhere near as nice as a bed).

He should never have moved in with you under those circumstances

They rented the place together and it's unlikely he could afford a big enough place for his DC on his own salary.

On his own he'd need a 2 bedroom place as a minimum and with a mix of genders...3 bed would be better.

The issue you may face in a few years time...is the kids being older and wanting their own space like at home...so they may not want to sleepover.

iD put her back in with the boys in a bunk bed with your Ds and let her have her own space up there.

Decorate her space with extra shelving sand if you have a storage closet somewhere put her closet there and make it look princessy and tell her it’s her dressing room and she will be over the moon.

Mum and dads room should always be private. You were too nice to offer her to be inside it but that’s a mistake on your behalf because you should allow yourself some space for your relationship to remain intact. Not healthy to have a 10 year old in your room whether it is you step or real daughter

If it is a rental move somewhere more practical. life is to short for unnecessary stress. You both parent 4 children, it is not fair on anyone to only have 2 bedrooms.

The DSC must feel like they are going camping when they're over instead of staying in their 2nd home with their Dad.

You can't put 4 DC in the room, My DD is 10, her body is changing, it is unfair to put her in with the boys.

You've both consciously set up your household to make it impossible to adaquately accommodate his children. What if one/all of them decide they want to live with their dad?

if you earn 50k, and can't afford a 3 bed, you needd to prioritize your outgoings!
Exactly. What are you wasting your money on?

TBH, if I was the DSD, I'd refuse to come and stay in these conditions. It's sounds horrendous.

We grew up as a family of 5 in a 2 bed. It was pretty tough and we struggled with the lack of privacy. I know it's not too helpful for posters to keep saying 'you need to move' with no suggestions as to how you produce the money to do that, but I do think you need to figure something out to allow you to get somewhere bigger. This sounds really tough for everyone and it's obviously important to you that they stay overnight since that's what drove the move to this house in the first place. What does the majority of your money go on, are you in debt? Can you increase your earnings?

50k isn't a fortune in the south east. Our mortgage is about £1,000 a month. Then childcare, food and bills, car, house insurance,
clothing, necessary other expenditure (visits to family/Christmas/birthdays etc). It adds up.

If you want to strongly encourage DSD to sleep in her own bed, take the bedding off yours and use it where you are sleeping in the lounge, or stick it in the wash.

Who has bought the posters and rug for dsd? Does DP realise there is a problem? I suggest you explain to her that even when she is not there you feel like it isn't your room, and shop together for some decoration you both like.

Put the posters on those clip things so they have a hanging string then you can wheech them up or down when need be. Good idea about taking the bedding off for your living room bed.
It's only a few days a month so not much you can do.
With that many DCs you can all go for footie in the park instead of DSD being on her tablet upstairs.

We make around 3200 a month. Rent is 1000, maintenance is 500, bills around 400. Food is 300. Debt repayment around 300. Random things like insurance and swimming lessons around 100. Bus tickets 120. That leaves about 600 a month for me and dh to amuse 4 children and have the odd evening out ourselves. At a stretch we could go up by another 100 but that still wouldn't stretch to a 3 bed around here. Maybe a slightly nicer 2 bed. Plus we have very minimal savings and the upfront costs of moving are hideous. We are in the south east, on the outskirts of a city known to be very expensive.

A lot of the time on these threads, like now, literally the only answer is "you shouldn't have moved in together". And then other people say "well that's not helpful because they do live together" - yes, but it's the truth. You can't make the best of every situation, when that would involve outsmarting physics. Two bedroom houses aren't for two adults and three children and their stuff. It's frankly ridiculous to be saying you don't feel you have your own space when you're trying to cram that many people into a two bed terrace.

Four children I mean.

She needs her space, if you really can't move can you adjust your lounge or somewhere downstairs so you and DH can sleep as you're likely to be first up and last to bed?

If you can't move then you move into the living room on a sofa bed. She is going to need that room especially when she gets her period etc.

There are posters on here who lived in the sitting room, there was another thread where I think a poster lived in the sitting room for 8 years.

Take the triple out and sell it. Buy a sofa bed with storage. Ikea do some good ones, cheap as far as these things go.

And set up the sitting room specifically for your needs. I. E. Put a wardrobe in there if you can fit it.

Be very clever about storage and use every nook and cranny you can, including in the hall.

It's not a long term solution, but it'll get you another couple of years.

I would ditch the triple bunk in your room, put different bedding on the double for her. Give her some nice notice boards for posters and a box under the bed to put them in (along with bedding & rug when she’s not there). Or, you limit poster location to up near the top bunk and insist she sleeps there. It’s not going to be great because you are sharing a space with a 10yo albeit not at the same time.

You have a spare £600 pm!!!! Wow. That is not breadline. You absolutely should move. Your current situation is insanity!

Prioritise moving over entertainment!!

So many excuses. I bet if it was your child you would move and give them their own space. £600 per month is loads. You just want to prioritise your own treats and the relationship with the neighbours over your dsd.

I dunno. On £600 ‘spare’ each month - after swimming lessons and etc - I’d definitely prioritise extra space at home. How much more is a 3-bed?

For comparison, we lived in London in a 3-bed we rented for over £1200, paid childcare of up to £1000 on top and earned less than £50K most years we did so. You need a tight budget, but it’s possible. Depends how much you value your space- I need it much more than I need nights out, so for me that extra rent would be vital and everything else would need to be budgeted accordingly afterwards. I’d cut my cloth.

You may not feel it’s worth the extra rent money, which is fine, but then you can’t really complain about a pre-teen wanting a refuge in what sounds like a really crowded household.