DH parents set up WhatsApp group for my 11yr old but didn't include me

[Madfin2]

We've recently given my DS11 a mobile phone. I didn't want him to have any apps for safety reasons but DH insisted he have WhatsApp so he can call his overseas grandparents. I've just checked my sons phone and have seen the grandparents have set up a WhatsApp group for my son with DH's immediate family but not included me. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal?

[bangourvillagebesttimeever]

There is a lot of missing the point on this thread. I have what’s app groups with my family with mundane catch ups and my OH isn’t on them. This thread relates to the OP being excluded from one with her DS on it. Also she is excluded from DH family one which includes her sister in law. I have had that myself and it’s bloody nasty and horrible to know there communicating plans with me being excluded. My OH doesn’t tell me either and I am expected to simply agree to what they have all agreed. I am sure to god if I simply instructed him of plans with my family he would have something to say about it.

[BertrandRussell]

"but I'm surprised by all the people saying that it shows you're 'not an equal part of the family' like that's surprising. I get on really well with my in-laws but I don't expect them to treat me equally with DH - he's their child; I'm not."
This is one of the things I bang on about. Pil's main relationships are with their children and their grandchildren-not with their Dils and sils. I don't think anyone would expect their dp to have the same relationship with their mother as they do-or would they?

[cheeseandpineapple]

No don’t expect to have (or want!) same relationship with inlaws as husband but for OP there’s a pattern of behaviour here.

Putting up wedding photos of everyone in the family except of OP, from her wedding, is pretty shit.

On its own the WhatsApp thing is not an issue.

It’s the overall context which needs addressing.

[BertrandRussell]

“Putting up wedding photos of everyone in the family except of OP, from her wedding, is pretty shit.“


Agreed.

[nothingchangesagain]

bertrandrussell yes I was on the holiday as were his parents who were both added on the group and they all had lovely conversations and jokes etc.. all between them, would've still been nice for me to be added so that I wasn't left out and clueless when they were talking about what had been discussed in the group chat, no?
I'm sure that would make anyone feel left out?

[yikesanotherbooboo]

I really wouldn't feel hurt by this and nor do I feel it is necessary to supervise all social interactions that my DC have . I would think , quite genuinely, that WhatsApp with GPS was a rather fun and safe outlet for DC.

[MissP103]

Op yanbu!! All those who are fine with this set up probably dont have the same awful treatment by their inlaws like you. This is done to deliberately exclude you. By including the other sil they have let you know clearly how they view you. Your dh needs to take this up with them.

[C8H10N4O2]

I'm sure that would make anyone feel left out?

That situation was simply rude. You don't make conversation and jokes within a group which deliberately exclude one member if you have any manners at all.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Hmm it does seem that PILs do leave the OP out on purpose especially with light of the wedding photo.

Not being part of the WhatsApp group wouldn't bother me if my relationship with them was generally ok but given what they're like I can see the OP's POV on this.

[Madfin2]

I've just sent this to MIL Hi MIL i hope you’re well. I’ve just checked DS phone as he’s only 11 and that was the deal getting a phone so young and was surprised to see you and FIL have invited him to family WhatsApp groups and you seem to have forgotten his Mum. I’m sure it was an over site! Thanks Madfin
In fairness to them I've received two apologies and been added. I think it reinforces my first instinct that it's not deliberate but they don't think of me as 'their' family. Hopefully this will go a ways to mending some bridges. I'm glad I was direct rather than stewing on it.

[Gemini69]

Well done Mum

[Madfin2]

I've just sent this to MIL Hi MIL i hope you’re well. I’ve just checked DS phone as he’s only 11 and that was the deal getting a phone so young and was surprised to see you and FIL have invited him to family WhatsApp groups and you seem to have forgotten his Mum. I’m sure it was an over site! Thanks Madfin
In fairness to them I've received two apologies and been added. I think it reinforces my first instinct that it's not deliberate but they don't automatically think of me as 'their' family. Hopefully this will go a ways to mending bridges. I'm glad I was direct rather than stewing on it.

[HotSauceCommittee]

You sorted it!
Now, all you need to do is get a nice A2 sized print of you in your wedding dress, in a beautiful frame, wrap it up and present it to the in laws 😂

[timeisnotaline]

Well done, I am a huge fan of a breezily direct non issue but this is how it’s going to be approach. Smooths over so many circumstances.

[SandyY2K]

@nothingchangesagain

I wouldn't have an issue with the situation you described. I have a chat group with my siblings where I share similar things..DH isn't part of it.

He has one with his siblings and the DP of one if his brothers which I'm in...but that's because I set group up. They'd not have done it without me.

If they decided to set another one up without me I'd have no issue.

OP.... you got the result you wanted, but there's clearly a bigger issue. No wedding photo displayed with you is just wrong.

[Stressedoverkids]

@Madfin2 In my family we have a Whatsapp group. My Dc are included as are me and Gran and my Siblings etc

It's mostly me Dsis and Sisters in law posting pics of kids, birthday wishes etc it would never have occurred to me to include Dh nor would it bother him that he isn't in it.

He is quite happy to skip the need to like and comment on every post about the Nephews, neices accomplishments etc I would include him if he asked.

Have you asked to be included?

[SkiFiend]

God, I don't understand this at all. I have all sorts of Whatsapp groups with family members (one with my parents, one with my sister, one with all of us etc). I wouldn't even think of including my husband in them. Why on earth do you want to be included in your in-laws family chat? Can't think of anything duller.

I also don't really see the problem with the wedding photos. Your MIL clearly has a closer relationship with her children than with you. That's normal though, isn't it?

[user1485851222]

I feel your pain. My hubby received a collage in a frame for his birthday, it included, him, mum, dad, sister, BIL, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, I was asked foe a picture of us two the day before he was meeting them. I sent it to them with a picture of my son, who he has raised for nearly 20 years. Well we get the picture, our son wasn't included, BUT his ex- wife was... mmmmmmmm

[pasta261]

Minimum age for using What’s App is 16 as of May this year!!!

[JeNeBaguetteRien]

I really don't get why people would want to be in their in-laws WhatsApp groups, in fact if I was invited to one from DH's family I'd be wondering how to exit without being rude. It wouldn't occur to me to add DH to any of my family WhatsApp groups.

Seaweed I think you may be confusing WhatsApp and Facebook?

For those saying WhatsApp is for over 16s it's only a messaging app and if used with parental supervision it's a pretty good way to stay in touch.

[BustopherJones]

Like pps, I’d rather not be in any in law WhatsApp groups. But against a general background of being excluded I can see how things like that can take on a different significance.

What’s weird for me is pil used to include me when they weren’t obliged to, but since having children they’re desperate to get rid of me at the earliest opportunity. I look forward to the day I don’t have to facilitate their relationship with my children, as no one wants to be where they’re not wanted.

[Nearly47]

If your DH in why do you need to be in? My family has a whatsapp group. My son is in it my husband isn't. The cousins and my sister's talk about family, little jokes, share photos, etc.and having my husband would stiffen the conversation a bit. My sister's definitely wouldn't as at ease of he was in the group. He never asked to join.

[parentin]

Don't understand why it bothers you so much. MIL probably just going to start a new group and not invite you. Forcing your presents on others also dose not fix a situation.

[TerracottaDream]

Sorry I would have replied that it wasn’t an oversite but a family WhatsApp. I would have pointed out that while you might be right re: age his father was in the group but of course it would be in your remit to ban your son from the group. . I would ask what you were worried about. I would also point out no other in-law was in group!

[StrawberryTot]

Apologies I haven’t read through all the pages, but from skim reading the first couple, I’m more leaning towards YABU. You mention you don’t really talk to the family, plus your DH is in the group. For me it’s a non starter, I wouldn’t even blink an eyelid.