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AIBU?

DH parents set up WhatsApp group for my 11yr old but didn't include me

166 replies

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 07:05

We've recently given my DS11 a mobile phone. I didn't want him to have any apps for safety reasons but DH insisted he have WhatsApp so he can call his overseas grandparents. I've just checked my sons phone and have seen the grandparents have set up a WhatsApp group for my son with DH's immediate family but not included me. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal?

OP posts:

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teletybbi · 27/08/2018 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeadGood · 27/08/2018 08:37

Wouldn’t even occur to me to care.

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 08:38

@HotSauceCommittee I think you're right it is me feeling left out of the group and this is another example. Reminds me many years ago my MIL put our wedding photos up in her kitchen, MIL with DH, FIL with DH, SIL, BIL and DH but no bride! I must admit I am a little uncomfortable with SIL and BIL being in the group with my son, neither has children (and are unlikely to) and they lead very different lives to us. I'm 95% sure they would sensor what they say but they can be quite sexist, particularly BIL has a very low opinion of women.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 27/08/2018 08:41

THe context of being excluded is very hurtful. I’d expect my dh to say something for eg the wedding pics - oy Mum the event was my marrying op not a family dinner let me swap that photo out for you. However your dh being on the chat is enough for parental supervision unless there’s a backstory of his controlling abusive behaviour so it’s a hard point to push. You of course should check the chat regularly to make sure the excluding you doesn’t become overt. (Parents should have full access to 11 yo phones)

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 08:43

“When it comes to in-laws, if it feels like a snub - it generally is...”

Blimey, there’s a rule to live by and make you happy........!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 27/08/2018 08:44

I think it's fine in normal families too, however it seems to be symptomatic of a bigger problem of you feeling like an outsider. Perhaps you need to explore that rather than focus on this particular what's app group

Laiste · 27/08/2018 08:51

my MIL put our wedding photos up in her kitchen, MIL with DH, FIL with DH, SIL, BIL and DH but no bride

That's not even subtle!

nothingchangesagain · 27/08/2018 08:58

I would be annoyed based on the other stuff you say.
Ask DH and get him to add you.
My DH was a dick and once set up a WhatsApp group when we were on holiday with his parents for all his extended family because they wanted to see photos of our holiday but the bastard left me out of it! I asked why and he said well it didn't occur to me to add you because none of them ever add you to stuff He knew how it made me feel when they always left me out of stuff too.
Anyway I'm ranting on, sorry.
speak to DH get him to add you, I wouldn't like it either, not until he's older.

PlatypusPie · 27/08/2018 09:03

If the grandparents were local to you, would you insist on being in the room with them for every conversation or trivial chit chat they had with your child ? It’s a healthy development to build independent relationships with other significant family members. Monitoring a minor child’s phone for potentially dangerous activity is one thing but this isn’t about that - it’s just nosiness and interference.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 09:05

“My DH was a dick and once set up a WhatsApp group when we were on holiday with his parents for all his extended family because they wanted to see photos of our holiday but the bastard left me out of it! ”

Sorry? You were on the actual holiday, yes?

Branleuse · 27/08/2018 09:07

Your child is part of that family, he isnt your property. Dont be weird about it

Skittlesandbeer · 27/08/2018 09:08

Don’t overthink it, or get drawn into complicated explanations. Get put on both instantly by DH.

Mention it lightly, as in ‘Seems like a good time with this new group being set up, I’ve been meaning to get you to put me on the other one and keep forgetting. You do that while I put the potatoes on, then I’ll come in and we can check together that it worked’.

If there’s any hestitation, push it by mentioning it frequently (but still as if it’s just an oversight). Make them come right out and tell you that they don’t want you on it. If this happens I’d get fairly goady and delete the app from DS’s phone (repeatedly, if it gets reinstated). I’d be a broken record saying ‘Either we’re all into family communication here, or we’re not. If family is so important, let’s walk the talk.’

Play them at their own game.

teletybbi · 27/08/2018 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TerracottaDream · 27/08/2018 09:30

Are other spouses in either of the WhatsApp groups? If your husband is on with your son I think it is fine.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 09:32

It’s absolutely fine for people to feel excluded. And it feels crap. It does not mean that they actually have been excluded, or that they have the right to demand to be included. There are lots of examples on this thread. A load of wedding photos displayed with none of the bride- unlikely to be anything but deliberate exclusion. List of people going to the beach leaving one person out- ditto. The cake decorations, the holiday photos and the WhatsApp group- not so much.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/08/2018 09:33

Whether it’s done deliberately or not, that doesn’t invalidate people’s feelings

Yes people are different. Its very difficult to feel part of, or participate in, a group which routinely excludes you. This upsets some people more than others and I can see why for some it ends up feeling like a no win situation.

To the specific issue of 11yr olds being added to Whatsapp groups - depends on the size and how they work. DGPs and DH - wouldn't both me. Much larger group with random cousins/relatives would be a different matter and would depend on how well I knew the relatives probably.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 09:33

And I repeat. If you feel you have to monitor your child’s conversations with his grandparents, he shouldn’t be talking to them at all.

Cloglover · 27/08/2018 09:35

It's clearly part of a bigger thing of feeling excluded. My nearly 9 year old is on WhatsApp with various members of the in-laws. I don't know if I'm in all groups. But I have a pretty adult relationship with them, I trust them to be alone with him irl therefore I don't feel the need to be in the groups or monitor the conversations as I kinda like him having independent relationships from me.

However when he was younger I felt quite undermined by the inlaws (not sure whether it was intentional on their behalf or just circumstantial but that's water under the bridge) and had things still been like that I would feel like you.

I think your partner has a part to play in making you feel included in his family and it doesn't sound like he's done that. Have you spoken with him about it? Does he like that you are excluded? Did he ever say anything about the wedding photos? If they aren't very nice people - do you want to be included? Can you trust your husband to make sure the conversations are appropriate =re bil and sil?

Laiste · 27/08/2018 09:37

he shouldn’t be talking to them at all.

and that's really going to go down better than simply wishing to be in the group to keep an eye?

I think you'd be the first here shouting over-reaction.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 27/08/2018 09:40

WhatsApp is for age 16+

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 09:41

“and that's really going to go down better than simply wishing to be in the group to keep an eye?”

If you have concerns about a grandparents’ relationship with your child which means you need to “keep an eye” then I don’t think they should be talking to them, no.

Flashingbeacon · 27/08/2018 09:46

We have various family what’s app groups. The main one for photo and info sharing has a variety of granny’s and in laws. My only plea: don’t be a lurker. My SIL through a fit because she wasn’t in the group (didn’t have what’s app) and was added. About once a year she’ll post something, but clearly reads it all because she replies privately. Extremely annoying. The group withrhe childrn is just weeks of them discovering emojis then stickers then gifs. Be careful what you wish for.

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AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/08/2018 10:03

I'm with Bert on this. If it wasn't WhatsApp, but your DS texting his grandparents individually, would you want him to copy you into the texts? In this situation, it's just a more efficient way of holding a conversation, rather than excluding you.

The family group is a different matter, although we have a family group we set up last year when DH was in hospital to share news of his condition when anyone went to visit, because you can't get a phone signal there. My mum, sister, DS and DSS are all on it, but DH is not - he isn't bothered.

Gemini69 · 27/08/2018 10:03

Remove your Child from the Group ... and don't let them do this again

Namenumber900 · 27/08/2018 10:09

I would love it if my in laws created a WhatsApp group with my eldest (she's 12) and I would have no problem at with not being in the group myself. Instead they hardly bother with dc and dd regularly get upset about how they have no contact with her or any interest in her life. So including her in a WhatsApp group sounds good to me

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