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AIBU?

DH parents set up WhatsApp group for my 11yr old but didn't include me

166 replies

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 07:05

We've recently given my DS11 a mobile phone. I didn't want him to have any apps for safety reasons but DH insisted he have WhatsApp so he can call his overseas grandparents. I've just checked my sons phone and have seen the grandparents have set up a WhatsApp group for my son with DH's immediate family but not included me. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal?

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bangourvillagebesttimeever · 27/08/2018 10:57

This is clearly a bigger issue. The OP is deliberately excluded including the photo of her wedding day. I wouldn’t enable them to do the same when t involves your DC. And also the age for what’s app is 16 anyway.

missyB1 · 27/08/2018 10:59

I do have to monitor what the in laws say to my ds, they have some strange ideas (particularly related to their faith), and are basically racist and have been heard to sneer at people poorer than themselves. Dh and I both agree that we have to be careful that they aren’t allowed to influence ds with their unpleasant opinions. But we won’t stop him having a relationship with them as Bertrand suggests. They don’t have many years left and ds is their only grandchild.
If they set up a WhatsApp group and added ds I would absolutely have to monitor what was being said.

AjasLipstick · 27/08/2018 11:01

My DD's been texting her Gran since she was ten....I don't monitor those messages. Why would I? It's her bloody Gran! That's their business.

Nor would I expect to be on a boring family What's App group.

goforthandmultiply · 27/08/2018 11:05

If your DH is in it To oversee the 11 year old I don't see an issue. I am in a WhatsApp group with my siblings. None of our spouses are in it. We use it to chat about family stuff and catch up. If there's any big news I pass it onto DH.

We get on well with each other's families it's just nice to chat just with siblings. It's also probably super boring for anyone else. Lots of us sorting out visits, any issues with family we all need to know about, random jokes from when we were kids. We made it years ago for arranging a specific event and just kept it.

None of our spouses have ever complained and my SIL has groups for her family in the same way.

Honestly don't be offended it really isn't a slight, they may just assume you don't care about the minutiae of their family.

Bluelady · 27/08/2018 11:06

Why does every conversation a child has have to be monitored by its parents? Especially in this case where one parent is already involved?

I refuse to have Whatsapp on my phone so am automatically excluded from all those tiresome family exchanges of trivia. If it's important someone will tell me.

MenaMecca · 27/08/2018 11:07

I won't mind not being included in the WhatsApp group.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 11:10

“If your DH is in it To oversee the 11 year old I don't see an issue”

Why does he need overseeing?

Seaweed42 · 27/08/2018 11:16

I think this is a Big issue. People use Whatsapp to post their pictures and to pressurise others into commenting their approval. It's no place for an 11 year old. Your grandparents will hound your son for pictures of his breakfast, dinner and tea. Take Whatsapp off your kid's phone there's no need for it.
If parents want to post pictures of their kid being Super bright, Winning Competitions, Wearing Costumes, Look at me I'm a Great Parent - fine. But don't have your kid have to play along with it.

BewareOfDragons · 27/08/2018 11:20

You're clearly being excluded by your DH's family, it is a snub ( a continued one), and you should tell your DH to add you, not ask. Tell him to add you to both.

I'm sorry, OP. That really sucks to be so deliberately excluded, especially when they are YOUR children. And I would want to monitor a sexist BIL, too, and potentially undermining grandparents. And a weak DH who lets them treat you this way.

gamerwidow · 27/08/2018 11:24

If your DH is in it To oversee the 11 year old I don't see an issue.
I agree with this especially if you’re not especially close to them.
They probably think you wouldn’t be interested in a load of talk about that side of the family.
Are you actually interested in what they will be saying and would enjoy joining in or do you just want to check up on them?

PlatypusPie · 27/08/2018 11:25

I think this is a Big issue. People use Whatsapp to post their pictures and to pressurise others into commenting their approval

Err, that’s not how I or anyone else I know uses it. It’s a messaging medium - how it is used depends on the users, just like FB or Instagram. If your friends and family aren’t insecure show offs, then you won’t get posts like you describe.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 11:25

Seaweed-that post is just bonkers!

birthdaygirls · 27/08/2018 11:29

If it’s just his two grandparents and him, I’d say fine, it’s their way of communicating.

If it’s two grandparents and DH, fine, unthinking of them and if you want to be part get DH to join you, but fine.

If it’s grandparents aunts uncles whoever and not you, that’s rude!

chocatoo · 27/08/2018 11:30

I think it’s appropriate that you should be added. Just say to your son that you’d like to be in the group and help him to add you.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/08/2018 11:33

Agree with birthdaygirls

Your DH needs to say something if they are excluding you. He should have had a word about the photo too. Just quietly and politely at a time when you weren't there. They don't have to take their family one down just put another one up with you in.

On the other hand I am in a WhatsApp group with my nun, dad and siblings. I am the only married child so my DH is in the group too but he rarely/never sends messages and is rarely involved in the conversation and probably wouldn't care at all if he wasn't part of it.

birthdaygirls · 27/08/2018 11:38

Oooh garethsouthgatesmrs you have your own nun!

TerracottaDream · 27/08/2018 11:56

Sorry if I have missed this but again... are the other spouses in them?

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 12:53

I've had another look at the conversations, it's very benign as expected but I've just seen he's also part of another group setup by MIL which is just FIL, BIL and SIL. I've mentioned it to DH and asked for one of us to be added. He's said ok. I do find them quite controlling (even from overseas) and they have form for making plans with each other and I am the last to know, MIL will consult DH but never me and he's not he greatest communicator, so plans are usually concrete by the time I get to hear. I don't believe they are being mean but they certainly don't feel the need to involve me and never have, which is why I get twitchy about a group with my DS. To answer a precious question SIL's partner isn't on the family group and BIL is forever in an out of relationships so neither are his. To those saying WhatsApp is for over 16 - I'd prefer him not to have it however DH said it would be limiting communication with his DP's when we first had the discussion when he was given his phone so I let it go.

OP posts:

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 12:55

And I really do appreciate the different perspectives, thank you everyone!

OP posts:

Cockapoomummy · 27/08/2018 12:55

You can’t control who they have in WhatsApp groups of other adults !!

Aeroflotgirl · 27/08/2018 12:56

You are a concrete part of the family, your exclusion of you to these groups tells you that they do not see you as part of the family, that with the lack of wedding photo of you included. I don't understand how your dh has not picked this up, he is not very perceptive. Have you talked to him about it?

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 13:20

@Aeroflotgirl yes we have talked about it in the past, it's a bit of a sore spot for us as he doesn't see it and is very sensitive about anything I say about his parents so I don't like to bring it up. There's been tension in the past which I why I wasn't sure if I was overreacting or if it was genuinely an odd thing to do. To the poster saying I can't control an adult only group, the additional group without DH but the rest of his family also includes my DS.

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C8H10N4O2 · 27/08/2018 13:41

MIL will consult DH but never me and he's not he greatest communicator, so plans are usually concrete by the time I get to hear

This is a problem with your DH though not the MIL - he needs to step up and pass on messages/requests and discuss plans with you before agreeing where they have an impact on you or other family plans.

I don't find it weird that you want to be in a group if it includes your DS, every family dynamic is different and none of them are perfect, mostly we muddle along trying to keep everyone happy. However it does sound like the issues concerning you are not going to be resolved by joining a Whatsapp group.

Presumably at this age the deal is you and DH have access to his phone on request and you have agreed that he won't be added to other groups (unless one of you has ok'd the group)?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 27/08/2018 13:46

I understand that in this case there's more stuff going on - they're generally controlling, the wedding photos, etc. - but I'm surprised by all the people saying that it shows you're 'not an equal part of the family' like that's surprising. I get on really well with my in-laws but I don't expect them to treat me equally with DH - he's their child; I'm not.

Off the back of this thread I just asked DH whether he minded that he's not in my family's WhatsApp group (my parents, my brother and me): 'Christ no. You haven't added me to it have you?!'. It's full of updates from my brother and parents that he would find banal (he already knows everything I update about me) and in jokes/family memories etc. - we had a long chat remembering funny things about my grandparents the other day, which was lovely but wouldn't have meant much to him, since he never met them. Surely being 'one of the family' doesn't mean everyone pretending that you're actually a birth member of it?

TerracottaDream · 27/08/2018 13:47

If your husband’s brother-in-law isn’t in it then it isn’t personal. As for plans, just don’t go if it’s not convenient.

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