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AIBU?

DH parents set up WhatsApp group for my 11yr old but didn't include me

166 replies

Madfin2 · 27/08/2018 07:05

We've recently given my DS11 a mobile phone. I didn't want him to have any apps for safety reasons but DH insisted he have WhatsApp so he can call his overseas grandparents. I've just checked my sons phone and have seen the grandparents have set up a WhatsApp group for my son with DH's immediate family but not included me. AIBU to be annoyed or is this normal?

OP posts:

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Rockbird · 27/08/2018 07:56

Goodness, I'd go mad if I was included in every WhatsApp chat going. DD1 has one with her grandparents, one with her cousins in Ireland and one with her cousins here. I'm not part of those. I also actively left my in laws chats. Love them to bits but didn't need to know the ins and outs of what MIL was saying to SIL. I have chats with my family and DH chats to his. DD1 knows that I will randomly check her phone and couldn't care less.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 07:57

And frankly if you feel the need to monitor your son’s conversations with his grandparents, you shouldn’t be allowing him to be in the group at all whether or not you’re in it.

Immigrantsong · 27/08/2018 07:57

I agree with ovaltine and can't understand all the people saying you shouldn't worry or feel undermined. 11 is still very young and at this age I expect both parents to be consulted before such decisions are made by others. YANBU OP but MN is a place where such attitudes aren't hipp or cool to have.

FatCow2018 · 27/08/2018 08:00

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Cockapoomummy · 27/08/2018 08:04

I agree with Bert 100%.

My kids have a WhatsApp. I’m not in it

I have a WhatsApp with my siblings. My dad isn’t in it.

I and my kids have a WhatsApp with my dad. Their dad isn’t in it.

That’s normal. Different groups for different people.

Chill out and trust your DH.

NetofLemons · 27/08/2018 08:05

OP they sound already weirdly excluding of you and now they are trying to do that with the complicity of your child. Why don’t they include you? Are they trying to close ranks because you’re not blood to them? Are they very sexist people and you should be busy being a mum and looking after everyone not chatting on phones? Or both? Either way they sound a bit shitty.
Tell your DH how you feel and get him to add you to both groups. Even if they are boring chats which they probably will be, you are a key part of their son and grandsons’ worlds and they need to treat you as a person too.

teletybbi · 27/08/2018 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBug45 · 27/08/2018 08:06

@Immigrantsong the child has twoyou parents - one is in the WhatsApp chat with them and the GPs, while the other who can't be bothered to talk to the GPs isn't. This means that parent can monitor communications with the GPs. (Though as a PP has pointed out so can the parent not in the group.) As they can be monitored by one parent then the OP is making a fuss because she can't cope with the fact that she isn't in control of monitoring. It is nothing to do with being hip.

CheesecakeAddict · 27/08/2018 08:07

Is this just jealousy?
You know the group is her family and not the local paedo, so I don't understand why you want to be involved. If it is just being uncomfortable with her having the app, can you not just regularly check her phone and make sure that's her only contact? Or delete the app but compromise a Skype conversation on a regular basis on the computer?

Immigrantsong · 27/08/2018 08:07

Fatcow you let me have my opinions and views on life and stop making assumptions about my character and children. Ok love?

ARoomSomewhere · 27/08/2018 08:08

BaronessBomburst

can you say more about the App for scanning a phone to read WhatsApp pls?

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 08:09

“It’s not about monitoring the conversations, as I don’t monitor how my child talks to their grandparents. ”

So why do you want your phone pinging every time anyone senda a picture of a kitten?

FatCow2018 · 27/08/2018 08:09

Of course darling, and I was simply just expressing my opinion on your view of life

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 08:11

“This means that parent can monitor communications with the GPs“

If you need to monitor conversations with grandparents, the child shouldn’t be having conversations with grandparents.

Gatehouse77 · 27/08/2018 08:11

I've got a WhatsApp group of just my siblings and DH hasn't ever questioned it. Likewise, if his family were to d o one I wouldn't expect to be included and, therefore, wouldn't feel excluded.

Personally, I don't get it. I don't need to know everything about everybody and I don't want to share everything about me to everybody.

HotSauceCommittee · 27/08/2018 08:12

I don’t think the whatsapp group is the real problem; it’s just symptomatic of feeling (and being) left out from the family group over time.
My lovely MIL of 25 years listed everyone who was coming to the beach on a holiday with ten of us of to Dnephew when he asked who was coming, except for me. In front of me. I had a little smirk and winked at Dnephew, Nice folks, but a bit self absorbed, that’s all.
The cake MIL bought for DHs 40th was iced to depict DH and our two sons. I only thought about it when one of my friends laughingly pointed out the absence of my iced image and we had a little chuckle about it. I can laugh because I’m close with my family, but if that wasn’t the case and I was trying to foster more of that with the in laws, I could see how it would hurt.

Cockapoomummy · 27/08/2018 08:13

There’s a WhatsApp for web. If you scan a code on your phone to your computer, you can have all the WhatsApp conversations on that phone come up on your computer.

FatCow2018 · 27/08/2018 08:15

The cake MIL bought for DHs 40th was iced to depict DH and our two sons. I only thought about it when one of my friends laughingly pointed out the absence of my iced image and we had a little chuckle about it. I can laugh because I’m close with my family, but if that wasn’t the case and I was trying to foster more of that with the in laws, I could see how it would hurt

I'd be with your MIL on this one, its his birthdayso a pictureof him and his sons is perfect for his cake. If MIL did this with me on it I'd be wondering why on earth she had included me?! Guess we are all different though.

Immigrantsong · 27/08/2018 08:18

@hotsauce that is terrible behaviour from your MIL.

Aragog · 27/08/2018 08:23

Do you not trust your dh?

Like many others here I have various WA/Messenger groups. Dd is on some of our family/friends ones and has been since she was younger. Dh isn't. He doesn't need to be. He's always trusted me. He didn't feel the need to monitor the conversations between Dd and my family.

BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 08:24

Not mentioning you opin the list of beach goers- deeply wired.

Not icing you onto the birthday cake- perfectly normal, I would have thought.

teletybbi · 27/08/2018 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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BertrandRussell · 27/08/2018 08:30

So everyone has to be in every family group?

deepsea · 27/08/2018 08:31

Excluding you is mean spirited and rude.

It is not about monitoring your son as your husband is in the group so he is able to do this, it is the feeling possibly that you are being pushed out and isolated from family chats that is the problem?

If so, a proper conversation needs to be had with your dh to discuss his family's behaviour towards you. If they can't welcome all of you and be kind to all of you, then may I respectfully suggest your husband stands up for you by deciding that none of you are available on whatsapp groups or gatherings of any kind unless you are ALL included.

dh needs to have your back on this, and be very firm with his family where you are concerned.

prettypossums · 27/08/2018 08:35

When it comes to in-laws, if it feels like a snub - it generally is...

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