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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be cross with in laws reactions

172 replies

clarepetal · 26/08/2018 19:38

Ok, this may be a but long winded but here goes...
My son is 3 and has really long hair, everyone thinks he's a girl when we go out, I'm not hugely bothered by this. Went on holiday with in laws and bro in law and his family as usual, whilst away my bro in law made jokes about buying t shirts for my son that were more masculine, such a heavy metal bands. I said that I would actually love to do that (I only havn't as I'm poor and they can be quite expensive) my brother wears loads of them. If my son were to wear them I'd find it tounge in cheek and maybe people might stop thinking he's a girl.
I'd actually like him to wear lots of band t shirts as I like them, not necessarily heavy metal bands but I like retro t shirts. My bro in law orders an Iron Maiden one which I loved.
Boyfriend is round in laws today and picked up the t shirt and all the family seem to do is slag it off saying my son doesn't like it (I doubt he's even looked at it) saying it's scary, as I said my brother wears them all the time and he has never got scared. I think they are putting this into his head if they can, and my sister in law has said that she wouldn't dress her children in them. This was said by my mother in law.
I find it quite stirry that she said that to my boyfriend as it's nobodys business how we dress our son, but I'm cross because I feel my mother in law is pushing her opinion on my boyfriend. Although he should stand by me and not be so easily swayed.
I find it extra insulting as the first year of his life she bought nearly all of his clothes which was so very overbearing, and now that I've picked something she doesn't like she has no right to complain about it. I found this very upsetting so maybe I'm being oversensitive.
Maybe I should sod it and start buying Megadeath and Judas Priest t shirts too.
Sorry for the rant!!

OP posts:
PhilomenaButterfly · 27/08/2018 04:19

RainbowGlitter my DC's academy is also ridiculous enough to have rules about what colour hair bands children are allowed. Also a million rules about JoJo bows.

Ghanagirl · 27/08/2018 05:22

He won’t be confused about his gender re long hair but I do think some parents love the attention boys get with long hair.

HoppingPavlova · 27/08/2018 05:42

I know long hair on a little child can be lovely, but if he's regularly being taken for a girl, then I wouldn't be happy. It's not that I want girls to look pretty in pink and boys to be wearing macho clothing, it's just I think it's healthy to identify with your gender at a young age.

What the hell has hair got to do with that though?
My son had long hair as a toddler through to child. He had issues where he could not stand to get his hair cut. He identified as a boy (not forced on him), and wore lots of batman, superman, spiderman stuff as he LOVED superhero's. No-one ever mistook him for a girl, they saw a little boy with long hair which even 15 years ago was not that abnormal.

HoppingPavlova · 27/08/2018 05:55

Maybe schools have changed since I went to school, but back the all boys had to have short hair. In fact, it simply wasn't even dreamed of that it might be possible boys have long hair. It just.....didn't enter anyone's mind, because it simply wasn't allowed. Full stop.

Correct. Then people realised that this was narrow minded and in fact incredibly stupid. So, here we are today in 2018 where boys and men have either long or short hair to their liking and women have long or short hair to their liking. In another news flash, women are now 'allowed' to wear pants if they wish.

Original poster
clarepetal · 27/08/2018 08:19

Morning!
Some interesting points here. I can't believe people are still getting het up about the length of his hair! After reading all your updates, I think it's true I ought to choose my own battles and that this really isn't worth getting upset at so I'll let it go.
Yes my mil bought most of his clothes in the first year which he was dressed in and I should have handled it better and insisted we bought more of our own clothes and dressed him in those. In my defense I had a tough time in the first year of my son's life, my dad died of cancer and I helped nurse him which was awful, and a year later my mum nearly died of sepsis, this was devastating although thank God she is ok now. I just wanted to enjoy dressing my boy myself and mil kept showering us with clothes for him. I see now I should have handled it better so also ought to forget about it.
There have been some great comments on here but I'm not going to answer any more, thank you for all the input.
Although I don't thank the person who refers to me as 'thick as mince' I find this personal and offensive, particularly as you don't know anything about my intellect so I don't think that's a judgement you can make!
Thank you and goodbye.
Smile

OP posts:
LoisCommonDenominator84 · 27/08/2018 08:44

In general I would say there is no need to give one single fuck about what anyone thinks about how you dress your kid. But I think you are being unreasonable for dressing him in an Iron Maiden t shirt, that artwork is not appropriate for a 3 year old and I would judge you if I saw him in it in the playground. IMO it’s scary and white trashy.

NeeChee · 27/08/2018 09:00

My partner's son had longish hair (age 7/8 IIRC) for a while, his grandma kept commenting on it saying he should get it cut off. DP had so many arguments with her about it, he was adamant it was his son's choice.
Now he has chosen to have it "short back and sides". It was kind of grating when she kept saying "Oo it looks so much better now" after he got it cut off.

argentino · 27/08/2018 09:17

Far more important things in life to get your knickers in a twist over.

LakieLady · 27/08/2018 10:07

Maybe schools have changed since I went to school, but back the all boys had to have short hair.

I went to secondary school in the late 60's, and plenty of the boys at the school down the road had long hair.

They had the same colour blazers as we did, and when everyone was sitting on the bus it was hard to tell the boys from the girls from the back.

EyUpOurKid · 27/08/2018 11:20

I have a toddler boy with long hair. He's gorgeous. He wears band t-shirts and jeans, shirts and shorts with a little bowtie, jumpers and cardigans. I dress him for the weather and what I think looks cool/cute/nice depending on the occasion. He can be head to toe in blue or whatever and people still think he's a girl. It doesn't matter in the slightest. He's happy.

troodiedoo · 27/08/2018 11:35

@clarepetal I wasn't suggesting that you train him to say what his favourite song is. I may have been projecting my own issues there. sorry.

BlueJava · 27/08/2018 11:44

All sounds a bit over-dramatic to me. Personally I don't like children in tshirts that put the opinions of their parents on them. Who heard of a 3 yo saying "Oh I love Judas Priest, must get me their tshirt?"

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 12:35

Blue lady, where have you been?!

Bluelady · 27/08/2018 12:40

?🤔

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 12:43

Don't you think they're all being encouraged to like peppa pig etc, that's not natural is it, its marketing.
This feels like deja vu, my dad used to say he couldn't tell girls from boys in the summer of love. We said does it matter?
Put him in what you like and tell them to mind their own biz. Is brother in law on your side or being ironic?

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 13:08

Blue lady, I just meant there are lots of people with penises (peni? Only one each of course, maybe) who think they are women, surprised you hadn't picked up on it.
Girls are encouraged to have long hair, and schools used to make you tie it up
It's a very emotive issue, e.g. Looked after children cannot have hair radically changed by foster parent without parental permission, like medical decision, you have to have pr

SalemBlackCat · 27/08/2018 13:28

I offer my empathy to you, OP. My father recently died of Sepsis. I myself 12 ago was in hospital for 4 and a half weeks with Osteomyelitis due to septacaemia. I know how ill it makes you.

In regards to others commenting on hair ribbons, I thought that was just standard? It seems to me like things are falling off the axis or something (too tired so I can't think of any other way to explain it). I never thought if it as 'ridiculous', it was just....standard. Even now, years after I went to primary/high school (all state government schools) in the 80s to mid 90s, local state schools have a thing where ribbons and ties are in the school uniform colours. You can even pick them up with the uniform. I'm actually shocked that people think this is 'ridiculous'. Completely stunned. To me, it is simply part of the uniform! What next, someone posts how 'ridiculous' it is that students have to wear school shoes instead of thongs or ankle boots? Bugger me if school ribbons as PART OF the uniform is considered 'ridiculous'. wtf?

It seems the UK is losing standards fast and becoming like America. I expect the UK soon will do away with school uniforms completely, by the sound of it. Very very sad. Very sad indeed.

Willow2017 · 27/08/2018 13:35

Blue lady, I just meant there are lots of people with penises (peni? Only one each of course, maybe) who think they are women, surprised you hadn't picked up on it.
Girls are encouraged to have long hair, and schools used to make you tie it up
It's a very emotive issue, e.g. Looked after children cannot have hair radically changed by foster parent without parental permission, like medical decision, you have to have pr

There is a hell of a difference between a trans woman and a 3yr old boy ffs!
My kids never had any problems knowing they were boys just cos they had long hair.
Body dysmorphia isnt caused by having long hair as a child. Nor does it cause you to want to become a trans gender. (I am well aware of real trans activist issues btw just dont believe it has anything to do with hair)
Ott reaction or what?

Tbe rest of the post is not relevant to a boy having long hair because they like it that way!

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2018 13:51

Irony, sorry not everybody gets it, sigh

Willow2017 · 27/08/2018 14:27

Even now, years after I went to primary/high school (all state government schools) in the 80s to mid 90s, local state schools have a thing where ribbons and ties are in the school uniform colours. You can even pick them up with the uniform. I'm actually shocked that people think this is 'ridiculous'. Completely stunned. To me, it is simply part of the uniform

Never heard of a school in my area that dictated the colour of hair ribbons or hair bands. Not when i was at school in the 60s/70s either. Uniforms and ties yes ribbons no.

Never seemed to affect our schooling so i assume it wasnt thought important enough to bother with even then.

SalemBlackCat · 27/08/2018 14:34

Sorry, I must clarify that when I said ties, I meant hair ties, like hair bands/scrunchies, elastic bands etc that sort of thing. Not actual ties.

SalemBlackCat · 27/08/2018 14:41

"Never seemed to affect our schooling"

Neither does wearing a school blazer or a school tunic affect school, either. Or school trousers. Or a school jumper. But it is still a uniform. Which goes to my point. Why not do away with uniforms altogether then? Let people turn in tank tops, ripped jeans, lairy hot pants, etc, if uniforms don't 'affect our schooling'? Why not go the whole hog? You either have uniform and dress standards, or you don't.

Nothisispatrick · 27/08/2018 14:43

Band t shirts on anyone who isn’t an actual fan of the band are ridiculous and super tacky.

Don’t know why people care so much about the length of his hair though!

Willow2017 · 27/08/2018 14:50

Well if it was ok with all the schools in my area to have a uniform- top, skirt/trousers /blazer and tie in school colours but not to dictate the colour of our hair bands then i dont see why its a problem for you?

The colour of our hair bands/ties didnt have a detrimental effect on the rest of the school uniform. People dont tend to look at your hair accessories first to determine what school you go to.

Your reaction that not wearing school colour hair bands =we should do away with uniform altogether us a bit of an over reaction is it not?

Isawthelight · 27/08/2018 15:02

I'll only cut his hair if he wants to when he's older and that might be if people think that he's a girl and it upsets him, like me I'm hoping he won't care but we'll see how it goes

My DD has never told me she wants her hair cut...I still got it cut, otherwise it'd look like shit. Why can't you just cut the hair? Is it too wind up your in-laws?