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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross with in laws reactions

172 replies

clarepetal · 26/08/2018 19:38

Ok, this may be a but long winded but here goes...
My son is 3 and has really long hair, everyone thinks he's a girl when we go out, I'm not hugely bothered by this. Went on holiday with in laws and bro in law and his family as usual, whilst away my bro in law made jokes about buying t shirts for my son that were more masculine, such a heavy metal bands. I said that I would actually love to do that (I only havn't as I'm poor and they can be quite expensive) my brother wears loads of them. If my son were to wear them I'd find it tounge in cheek and maybe people might stop thinking he's a girl.
I'd actually like him to wear lots of band t shirts as I like them, not necessarily heavy metal bands but I like retro t shirts. My bro in law orders an Iron Maiden one which I loved.
Boyfriend is round in laws today and picked up the t shirt and all the family seem to do is slag it off saying my son doesn't like it (I doubt he's even looked at it) saying it's scary, as I said my brother wears them all the time and he has never got scared. I think they are putting this into his head if they can, and my sister in law has said that she wouldn't dress her children in them. This was said by my mother in law.
I find it quite stirry that she said that to my boyfriend as it's nobodys business how we dress our son, but I'm cross because I feel my mother in law is pushing her opinion on my boyfriend. Although he should stand by me and not be so easily swayed.
I find it extra insulting as the first year of his life she bought nearly all of his clothes which was so very overbearing, and now that I've picked something she doesn't like she has no right to complain about it. I found this very upsetting so maybe I'm being oversensitive.
Maybe I should sod it and start buying Megadeath and Judas Priest t shirts too.
Sorry for the rant!!

OP posts:

toothtruth · 26/08/2018 21:35

My 3yo has never had his hair cut. Its curly so although it is actually very long it stays around his shoulders. Why is it a hygiene issue? What an odd thing to say? Its totally different from cleaning teeth, eating veg etc Of course I would not allow my child to say no to important things....
To me hair length is not an important issue that needs adult insight. Therefore as its his hair its up to him if he wants to cut it or not... and if he has no opinion then its up to me.
Ditto with clothing as long as its weather appropriate.
He goes to the nursery class of an infant school and their only policy re hair is that hair longer than shoulders needs to be tied up on boys or girls. As his hair sits on his shoulders he doesnt need to tie it up but usually does anyway. Not one single adult or child at that place has ever passed negative comment on it. In fact his curls often get complimented. He is also far from the only boy with long hair there. In fact its about 50/50 amongst the boys.

FruitCider · 26/08/2018 21:36

No it isn't, but getting your kids hair cut isn't making any decision about their future hair style because Hair grows. And I wouldn't expect a 3 year old to know this.

sirfredfredgeorge · 26/08/2018 21:38

Where are all these schools that tell parents what haircuts their children should have?

You mean you're not sending your son to a 1950's military school? Shaved heads all round, what sort of parent are you, don't you want him to grow up into a MAN?

The reason why you respect the decisions of a child in hair but not teeth cleaning, is because it's a completely safe thing for them to be able to make decisions on, unlike teeth cleaning, or eating poison.

UsedtobeFeckless · 26/08/2018 21:40

DS1 once cut his own hair in order to save me money so l could buy him an Action Man Temple Of Snakey Doom thingy - it was pretty short to start with and by the time he'd finished it looked like he'd been partially plucked then chewed by rats ...

DuckPie · 26/08/2018 21:40

But letting it grow isn’t making a decision about their future haircut either

I totally get personal preference for Long or short but your views that boys should have short hair because they’re boys is ridiculous

FruitCider · 26/08/2018 21:42

I totally get personal preference for Long or short but your views that boys should have short hair because they’re boys is ridiculous

My view is that Children’s Hair should be trimmed and well groomed, regardless of the length.

Willow2017 · 26/08/2018 21:42

Ever so slightly different with 3 year olds...
Not really. iIf they like thier hair long and the parent is happy too why should they have it cut? Just because they are boys or a child? What harm is it doing?

pictish · 26/08/2018 21:43

Honestly, any poster here bitching about this lad having long hair as a hygiene issue and comparing it to trimming nails or brushing teeth is as thick as mince. It’s fine for little girls to have long hair but on boys it’s a hygiene problem? Come back when you’ve got a brain cell to operate on.
I despair at the smallness of people at times, I really do.

girlalmighty · 26/08/2018 21:45

My secondary school didn't let boys have their hair below their blazers and had to be clean shaven 😂 because it looks untidy

girlalmighty · 26/08/2018 21:46

*below the colour of their blazers or shirt coolers that should be

girlalmighty · 26/08/2018 21:46

Collar

AnnieAnoniMoose · 26/08/2018 21:48

Some boys look really cute with long hair - others just look a right bloody mess. Same with girls. If it causes people to make an incorrect assumption re boy/girl, it really doesn’t matter as long as the child isn’t bothered.

I love band t-shirts on kids (as long as they’re not offensive). My friends two have some festival ones too, so cute. Especially as they went on a ‘boys weekend’ with their dad (they all loved it).

As for your MIL, if she’s good to you & you normally get on, just roll your eyes at her and tell her it’s better than hippy type-dye shit! 😉.

You’re the parent, you don’t need their permission to dress your child.

Willow2017 · 26/08/2018 21:49

There is no way I'd allow my son to have long hair. Boys have short hair end of story imo

Why? Boys have had long hair for thousands of years why do you think all boys must have short hair because you say so?

It grows back, a short haircut can be grown out, it's not permanent..

So why go to all the trouble of cutting it if you are going to just let it grow long again? Pointless statement really.

Eryngium · 26/08/2018 21:51

Boys have short hair end of story imo.

How fucking sad and small minded.

Get back in your box or society will crumble.

What are you so scared will happen? You worried they'll turn into girls? Or be attracted to boys? Or just that you won't have absolute control of how they express themselves?

FruitCider · 26/08/2018 21:53

Honestly, any poster here bitching about this lad having long hair as a hygiene issue

I actually said grooming. Seems some MNetters can't read tonight. Still wouldn't call them thick as mince though 🙄

Ellisandra · 26/08/2018 21:56

What is “tongue in cheek” about a band t-shirt anyway?

I find it weirdly passive that you didn’t just buy clothes that you liked before, just because MIL bought a lot.

Buy him whatever you like. And of course you’ll “push” your tastes on him. That’s just what happens.

Wish I could still get away with pushing my clothing tastes on my 10 year old

thegreylady · 26/08/2018 22:03

My friend’s son had long blonde wavy hair when he was 3/4/5 . When he started school he was teased and called ‘girly girl’ by some other boys. My friend eventually moved him to another school. It happened again.
The boy knew his mum loved his long hair and he never asked to have it cut. One day my friend rang me in tears, the boy’s father had collected him from school for regular contact and took him for a hair cut.
That child is now in his 30s and has a beard and a very short hair cut.
Do be aware that you may be setting your son up for teasing. When he is ready for school perhaps have his hair cut and then, when he has settled, he can grow it again if he wants to.
The t shirt isn’t a problem if you and the child’s dad and the child like it then it’s fine.

UsedtobeFeckless · 26/08/2018 22:06

DS1 knicked several of DP's T-shirts ... and his boots! Fortunately their tastes have since diverged.

nocoolnamesleft · 26/08/2018 22:08

Why this obsession with boys having short hair? If he likes it long, that's fine. If he wants it short, fine. If a girl wants it short, fine. And how are clothes obviously boys unless they have their balls hanging out? Ever likely we're seeing so many people with problems with gender if we're getting this didactic so young.

Grant me strength.

Willow2017 · 26/08/2018 22:15

Why is it ok for boys to be teased about long hair but nobody expects girls to be teased for long or short hair?
Why do we need to prempt teasing by cutting boys hair short?
Why not just tell kids that any hair is ok on any child?

Why should a child change themselves to suit other peoples prejudices? Nothing will change if we reinforce this stereotypical crap that boys shouldnt have long hair.
Kids on the whole are far more accepting in first years of primary than adults are.

LynetteScavo · 26/08/2018 22:18

I'm not sure what the long hair has to do with it.

Your DS has a t-shirt your mil doesn't like. So what, you didn't even pay for it. It's a t-shirt, not a ratio. It probably won't even fit him next year. You all need to calm down.

If I saw your DS I'd probably my presume he was a girl wearing a band t-shirt.

LynetteScavo · 26/08/2018 22:20

I find it extra insulting as the first year of his life she bought nearly all of his clothes which was so very overbearing

You didn't have to put them on him. You could have bought him clothes and ignored the ones thrust on you by your MIL.

PerpetualStudent · 26/08/2018 22:23

My 3 yr old DS has long hair (in fact, these days it often get put up in a ‘man bun’, not sure if that’s lazy or try hard or unhygienic or whatever) and gets mistaken for a girl regularly. It really is a non-issue.
But what I wonder is why some people think it’s so important young children (or anyone really) is immediately identifiable as one sex or another?

starryeyed19 · 26/08/2018 22:27

Small children in band t-shirts are super annoying. There is no way any toddler is that into Iron Maiden or whoever.

RainbowGlitterFairy · 26/08/2018 22:46

Maybe schools have changed since I went to school, but back the all boys had to have short hair. In fact, it simply wasn't even dreamed of that it might be possible boys have long hair.

Schools have changed, I've had a lot of boys through the schools I've worked at with long hair, as long as their hair is clean and brushed it's fine (obviously if its dirty and never brushed I'd be concerned, but then I would be with a girl too). Even DD's prep, who are ridiculous enough to have rules about what colour hair bands children are allowed, will allow boys to have long hair, it does have to be tied up if its past shoulder length though, same as the girls.

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