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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with in laws reactions

172 replies

clarepetal · 26/08/2018 19:38

Ok, this may be a but long winded but here goes...
My son is 3 and has really long hair, everyone thinks he's a girl when we go out, I'm not hugely bothered by this. Went on holiday with in laws and bro in law and his family as usual, whilst away my bro in law made jokes about buying t shirts for my son that were more masculine, such a heavy metal bands. I said that I would actually love to do that (I only havn't as I'm poor and they can be quite expensive) my brother wears loads of them. If my son were to wear them I'd find it tounge in cheek and maybe people might stop thinking he's a girl.
I'd actually like him to wear lots of band t shirts as I like them, not necessarily heavy metal bands but I like retro t shirts. My bro in law orders an Iron Maiden one which I loved.
Boyfriend is round in laws today and picked up the t shirt and all the family seem to do is slag it off saying my son doesn't like it (I doubt he's even looked at it) saying it's scary, as I said my brother wears them all the time and he has never got scared. I think they are putting this into his head if they can, and my sister in law has said that she wouldn't dress her children in them. This was said by my mother in law.
I find it quite stirry that she said that to my boyfriend as it's nobodys business how we dress our son, but I'm cross because I feel my mother in law is pushing her opinion on my boyfriend. Although he should stand by me and not be so easily swayed.
I find it extra insulting as the first year of his life she bought nearly all of his clothes which was so very overbearing, and now that I've picked something she doesn't like she has no right to complain about it. I found this very upsetting so maybe I'm being oversensitive.
Maybe I should sod it and start buying Megadeath and Judas Priest t shirts too.
Sorry for the rant!!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 26/08/2018 20:16

'I always find little boys with long hair gives the impression of laziness, or trying too hard. 😬 not that my opinion matters. Paired with the band tee it defo sounds try hard.'

Agree

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 20:16

Oh ffs! A 3 year old boy will like Thomas the Tank, Paw Patrol, Peppa Pig, Batman, not some obscure old rock band that the oldies like (that's you!). And the ILs are entitled to have an opinion, and entitled to let you know what it is!

EggysMom · 26/08/2018 20:19

So girls wouldn't wear heavy metal t-shirts?

Original poster
clarepetal · 26/08/2018 20:20

Bluelady that made me laugh!
I don't think he has a problem with his gender at all, I only think it may make people stop and realise that he is a girl, although I'm not too bothered about it at the moment. I like it more because I find it tounge in cheek to be honest, I'll only cut his hair if he wants to when he's older and that might be if people think that he's a girl and it upsets him, like me I'm hoping he won't care but we'll see how it goes.

OP posts:
CanuckBC · 26/08/2018 20:20

You will never please others no matter what you do. Stop trying!!! Hair is one big thing that gives kids bodily autonomy. I let my kids choose how they wear them as a whole. My youngest wants a mullet and I have been discouraging that🤣. His cousin has a similar hair cut and it’s not the best but he adores him. His other cousin grows his hair super long then gets it cut to donate. My oldest let’s his hair gro longish then cuts, longish then cuts. We colour on occasions. It’s hair.

Same with clothes, as long as there are no swear words and appropriate, band ones included, go for it!

SalemBlackCat · 26/08/2018 20:21

How about just giving him a haircut? I'm sure he'll have to when starts school, anyway. Sorry, but I think the hair cut sounds like is definitely needed.

MarthasGinYard · 26/08/2018 20:22

He's 3 ffs

You are his parent?

MarthasGinYard · 26/08/2018 20:23

'I'll only cut his hair if he wants to when he's older'

He's 3

Bluelady · 26/08/2018 20:23

My son had very long hair, Clare, it never caused him any problems. I nearly cried when he had it cut - he was 17.

SalemBlackCat · 26/08/2018 20:24

@HollowTalk Agreed. This whole whole boys having really long hair sounds too try hard, to me. I know, I'll cop shit for my views on this, but he should be taken to a hair dresser stat!

MarthasGinYard · 26/08/2018 20:25

How about only dressing him in the grim old T shorts only when he can decide for himself?

MarthasGinYard · 26/08/2018 20:25

'Shirts'

UsedtobeFeckless · 26/08/2018 20:25

Can't see how letting someone choose what to do with their hair is "try hard" myself ... As someone else pointed out up-thread - it's only hair ...

Sleepyslops · 26/08/2018 20:27

I dont get why you think long hair and a band t-shirt is tongue in cheek
Biscuit

RyderWhiteSwan · 26/08/2018 20:30

I've read this post several times and I have no idea what is going on

Grin Grin Grin

.

Original poster
clarepetal · 26/08/2018 20:31

I don't think long hair is tounge in cheek. I only explained his hair is long to guage the situation. I think band t shirts are tounge in cheek as that is my opinion which I stand by.Smile

OP posts:
giveitfive · 26/08/2018 20:37

Hmmm.

My kids were into Lego, Thomas the tank engine, runescape, tweenies, AND iron maiden.

They liked iron maiden because dad played in the car. They wanted a tee shirt like daddy. As soon as they were old enough they started going to concerts with him. They still like iron maiden but they also go to lots of other concerts and recently took their dad to the Download festival because iron maiden were playing alongside some of their other favourite bands. It's been an incredible piece of father-son bonding over the years. (Hardly obscure).

One of them still loves his Lego and appreciates a small set at Christmas.... they moved on from tweenies and runescape as you do...

They have NEVER been confused about their sexuality. What a crock of shit.

They were clean and well groomed. They were at no more risk than any kid from nits and we neither tried to hard or not enough.

Both primary and secondary schools had no problem accepting them with long hair provided it was tidy, and it was.

One of them made head boy (with his ponytail).... they have both won various role model awards... in spite of the long hair and perchance for maiden tee shirts.

Live and let live. I'd just say that if you choose to be a bit different sometimes you need a thicker skin because people don't half draw some weird conclusions....

pictish · 26/08/2018 20:38

Band t-shirts on little kids is naff in my opinion. It’s not offensive or in poor taste or anything like that...it’s just that it’s not the kid’s choice of band. It’s all about the parent’s identity, not the child’s.

BarbarianMum · 26/08/2018 20:39

Why is long hair 'try hard' on a boy but not on a girl? Is a girl with short hair 'try hard' too? Confused

Kyrie10 · 26/08/2018 20:39

My 6 month old grandson has a guns and roses t shirt, which I bought- his mom and Dad love it!

FuckYouLily · 26/08/2018 20:41

I'm actually an Iron Maiden fan but I wouldn't put a 3 year old in an IM T-shirt, some of them would look 'scary' especially if it has Eddie on.

BarbarianMum · 26/08/2018 20:43

And since when has a toddler's wardrobe been about the child's identity? Do toddlers buy their own clothes now? Do people really think that a typical boys top with dinosaurs on it denotes the child has a deep (or indeed any) interest in prehistoric reptiles? Are all girls in butterfly tshirts nascent lepidopterists?

pictish · 26/08/2018 20:44

I hate all that dinosaurs for boys and butterflies for girls crap too.

But no band t-shirts on wee kids...just too try-hard.

Original poster
clarepetal · 26/08/2018 20:46

Pictish yes I can see that, but maybe I should have made this clearer, amongst all the clothes that my mil bought my son in the first year a lot of them were tie-dyed because she is very hippy. I liked a lot of them. Now that I am putting him in something I like but they don't, they are complaining and they shouldn't. Maybe I'm as bad as them by dressing him in my choices but I am his mother and he'll grow up in enough time and make his own choices when he's older.
I laugh at the suggestion of him getting nits, gender identity and suggestions of him.getting a haircut. I'll cut his hair when I choose and not from other people's narrow mindedness.
Thank you Giveitfive for restoring my faith in my own opinions, your family sound grounded, great and a lot like my side of the family.

OP posts:
throwawayagain · 26/08/2018 20:46

You will never please everyone!
While he's small, Someone has to influence his clothing choices, to an extent.
It's either kids clothes designers, who decide what's in the kids' ranges in stores, clothes passed down from siblings etc, your own choices, clothes that are gifted........

I've always loved Gap and POP. Comfy, and not too gender specific.
2 of my kids have been quite strong minded from very young ages. They've worn some ridiculous outfits, which I'd try to steer into more sensible outfits, but I would often lose!
My middle one is bonkers. This weekend she changed out of her PJs, put underwear on, then dressed herself in a jersey type catsuit - which is also theoretically PJs! I made her put her boots on, and we went out! She's 11, and pretty much lives in sports clothes.

I've never bothered about gendered clothes. The only 'WTF' moment for me was when I was told off by an old lady for dressing baby DD in a blue cardigan. She tutted and said 'she's not a boy!'

Some people are a bit odd. Grin