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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 27/08/2018 19:46

Yes, you should have given her the money. Can’t wven believe anyone thinks you should have kept it!!
You should have at least offered it to her! What cheek!

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 27/08/2018 19:47

Pringle muncher . Yes, I see your point. We were just trying to get the van sooner than we thought possible which meant we needed to reduce our monthly expenditure. Paying the insurance upfront to make the van legal for everyone's benifit seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe not with hind site.

OP posts:
tinstar · 27/08/2018 19:47

Jesus - all this bad feeling over £400!!! Unless I was on my uppers - which the OP's mil clearly isn't - I'd be mortified and ashamed if my ds and dil thought I was annoyed about this.

But then I guess a lot of people posting on this thread and telling the op to 'pay up' subscribe to the Mumsnet mantra that all dcs should start paying rent as soon as they get their first paper round and should never ever be given any financial help whatsoever. (I don't subscribe to this which is why I get regular bashings when I say that I don't charge my young adult dcs rent, pay their rent at uni and regularly slip the odd hundred or two into their accounts. Not rolling in money - just enjoy helping).

But at the end of the day, it's for the OP's DH to sort out - his mum.

SassitudeandSparkle · 27/08/2018 19:50

Hmm, from your recent updates it seems that you purchased the camper while you still had the run about car. And only sold it later.

I would also be thinking that you've saved on the finance, used it to buy yourself another car and then used the money from the car MIL bought to go on holiday! Perhaps you've 'used' the money (in MILs mind) for a purpose that she wouldn't have given you the money for, if that makes sense?

I don't see why people are saying to charge her for lifts - presumably the OP didn't before she bought the car, why would she afterwards?

SouthWestmom · 27/08/2018 19:57

Derxa - such an old timer i'm moving towards MIL territory 😂

Op hope you resolve it

user1457017537 · 27/08/2018 20:00

Tinstar you sound lovely and supportive

thelongerhaul · 27/08/2018 20:07

I think the whole arrangement was flawed- she should really have bought the car in her name and DH used it.
As it was, she did indeed buy you a car and I would have asked her if she wanted it for herself and then also offered her the money if not when sold.
Also it doesn't really make sense to sell it now- I mean she still wants lifts and errands surely which was the reason fir the purchase?

BerylStreep · 27/08/2018 20:27

I was going to post that I think your DH or both of you meet with her and explain that you haven't had an opportunity to discuss the financial aspect of the sale of the car with her, and would like to do so now. Then set it out - Bought for £500, sold for £400, with £1000 running costs (excluding petrol) and 50/50 usage. Then ask her what she would like to do.

But I see EddieLizzard beat me to it.

LuluJakey1 · 27/08/2018 20:33

I think you should never have taken the £500 car. It put you in a position where you were beholden to her. She clearly feels she had an investment/a say in it.

I don't think legally or in terms of financially you owe her anything but she thinks you do.

I have tried to think what my late mum would have done in this situation. She would have been fine if I had had a conversation with her and said 'This is what we are doing - hope you are ok about us doing that with the car; it is costing us too much to run these days. We'll give you whatever we get for it back'. She would have insisted we kept the money.

In the situation you are in, I would give her the £400. I'd say something like ' It had got to the point where it was so old it was costing us too much to run. We got £400 for it so you have that back. You bought the car so DH could give you lifts sometimes and as he won't be able to do that with the CV really, you have your money back and spend it on taxis- treat yourself. The CV is a chance for us and the children to go away and have some nice times together and we've never been able to afford that before so it was too good a chance to miss.'
I'd give her it in a lump sum, at some point in the following two weeks I would mention you are stretched for cash at the moment just so she knows. And I would never take anything from her again. I wouldn't fall out with her over it though. She is controlling and I wouldn't play her game. She sounds a bit like she likes to keep your DH at her beck and call. Nothing wrong in him having a close relationship with his mum but she should not feel she is buying that- it gives her a sense of entitlement.

MissesBloom · 27/08/2018 20:34

I think yabu to offer her nothing. Whether you wanted the car isn't relevant as you took it. You should have refused it if you couldn't afford to run it.

Mil probably feels you've profited from the sale and it would be wrong to offer her nothing.

In future I'd refuse any gifts like this completely - it leads to bad feeling

C8H10N4O2 · 27/08/2018 20:39

You’ve been lucky she was generous

I think CherryPavlova is on a wind up.

You didn't want a second car, the sole reason for having it was MIL's wish for the convenience. You have paid all the running costs. Running costs substantially outweigh the value of the car and in that context a few trips to work in the rain are neither here nor there as DH was quite happy to cycle.

I would have mentioned it to her first, simply as a courtesy but fundamentally you have been happy to spend money to provide her with transport and support and you owe her nothing. Nor are you withdrawing the support. Does she actually understand how much it has cost you to keep the car on the road for her benefit?

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 27/08/2018 21:02

Tinstar / user 146 .... I agree Smile

OP posts:
BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 27/08/2018 21:12

The only way id be giving mil her money back is if the car was registered as hers. In this case it wasnt in her name it was in DH's name

SpandexTutu · 27/08/2018 21:25

Perhaps focus on how the money from the 1sale of the car she gave you has been crucial in the van purchase and how grateful you are. Her gift still counts, it hasn't been discarded

This. Your DH still has a car and can still help. You've just changed what it looks like!

needyourlovingtouch · 27/08/2018 21:27

Did you ask her before you sold the car. She clearly has a habit of being less than transparent. She bought the car for your DH when it was actually to benefit her. So him selling it negatively affects her even though she couldn't admit it.

SacredHour · 27/08/2018 21:38

Personally I would have offered her the money out of courtesy. I may have hoped she would say no. I would be reluctant to accept a car or similar on the basis of giving something in return (taxi services) as I hate feeling in debt to someone. Sounds like either she is controlling or you were naive.

This may be a bit different, but feels related... We once gave bil a couch when he created a second living room and we were buying a new one. A few months later, he sold it on an online auction site and bragged how he had made £400. We thought that was a bit off and felt he should have asked us first or offered us some of the money. At the time, there were other family members that we could have offered it to if we had known.

On another note, I gave a car to a family member after she had provided childcare for our dc when we were buying a new one. She later sold it (after using it) and I was fine with that as it was a gift for what she had done for us and up to her what she did with it.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 27/08/2018 21:40

No, you don't owe her any money.

My DH and I were gifted a car from my DHs dad when he bought a new one. I took it off the road and kept it on a drive for the time being as only I drive. It has a cracked windscreen and needs brakes cleaned which is going to cost me £200, then mot, insurance and tax (My car is on it's last legs). We were initially gifted it as my DH was learning to drive and my Fil couldnt be arsed to sell it.

My plans are to put this car on the road and sell mine for scrap but only keep the other car on the road for 6mths to a year as it's a huge engine and I probably don't need such a large car. I will then sell it or part ex it and put the money towards another car.

I won't be giving my in laws any cash from it. It was a gift. It's in my name and it will cost me far more than sale price to put it on the road..... yanbu

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2018 21:41

Tinstar - I don't suppose you'd consider adopting me? I'm very well-behaved sometimes and clean ish around the house . . .

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2018 21:44

When we are young, our parents drive us around all the time and make financial sacrifices for us

And don't forget all that food your DH ate when he was a child OP - he owes for that, too.

FupaGlory · 27/08/2018 21:47

I think you should have discussed with her or at least offered token money. I wouldn't argue with family over this

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2018 21:47

Each time you or DH hand her the £36 - and I say pay actual CASH not faff about with a bank transfer

And get a receipt for each instalment.

Thymeout · 27/08/2018 21:56

need That's Op's interpretation of MIL's motives. They'd made it clear to her that the lifts would continue when they returned the finance car. She could have been thinking more of how inconvenient it was going to be for DH not to have a car to get around in, cycling in bad weather etc. The fact that he used it for his own purposes 50% of the time means it did make his life easier.

CowInTheMeadow · 27/08/2018 22:10

Is there someone else in the family you could talk to discreetly to find out a bit more about what is being said? It might be that she made a throwaway comment once and it's been blown out of proportion. I think you could discuss it without offering the money... just be honest and say you've been worried that you've upset her and hope she understands your perspective, then explain? Difficult if your husband doesn't want to bring it up though, as you'd have to get him on board before doing this.

For what it's worth, I don't think you owe her the money but I can also see why people are saying they would offer. I think in most families it would be resolved because the offer would be made and not accepted. It's a tricky one.

SpandexTutu · 27/08/2018 22:10

You sold the car and bought another one that works better for you . No problem.
It's not like you sold it and bought jewellery out a bigger telly. You just swapped it.

Stillnotready · 27/08/2018 22:12

And yet we still don’t know how much the OP and her DH used to spend on the car finance for their second car, that they were able to stop paying following their acceptance of a runaround from MIL.
Several thousands over 2 years I guess.