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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

275 replies

Chocoholic26 · 25/08/2018 23:01

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

OP posts:
abacucat · 26/08/2018 13:08

Also worth remembering that when you accuse GPs of putting their GCs life at risk you are also implying they were crap parents, as well as crap GPs. Generally people listen to advice if you approach things in less emotive terms.

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 13:21

Car seat regulations have changed, for those confused about car seats.
Children are supposed to be rear facing until about 4 years old now, if not longer.

This is complete BS!

StressedToTheMaxx · 26/08/2018 13:23

I am really shocked by sim e of the responses also OP!

It is one thing for a gp give an extra little sweet against the parents wishes. But they used an extremely ill-fitting car seat for your child.
If he is over the weight limit The seat is less sturdy and his head may not be in the right places where they advise.
I would 100% be putting you ds into nursery so gp learn when it comes to safety they have breached your trust.

I can believe they think they have done nothing wrong.

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 13:33

Also, I know this isn’t a thread mainly about car seat safety but rearward facing until around 4 is about 5 times safer than having your child forward facing. The research Is staggering and quite frankly I’ve no idea why these recommendations aren’t enforced and made law yet here in the UK. I’d much prefer my child to be bored looking at the back of the seat than the alternative.

Again this is not true and for someone who supposedly researched it I'm surprised you quote this. The strain on their neck is 5 times less in certain situations, they are not 5 times safer. Also this research is only related to children under 2 so if your 3 year old is over 18kg the difference is minimal and I imagine he must be very uncomfortable in a rear facing seat.

SharpLily · 26/08/2018 13:38

Car seat regulations have changed, for those confused about car seats.
Children are supposed to be rear facing until about 4 years old now, if not longer.

This is complete BS!

Not exactly - it's not yet the law in the UK (it is in some other countries) but it has been proven again and again that rear facing is 500% safer up to age 4 at least. Hopefully UK law will catch up. Why on Earth would parents not want to do the safest thing for their child?

SharpLily · 26/08/2018 13:39

@OliviaPopeRules a child in a correctly sized and fitted rear facing seat is not usually uncomfortable. In fact research shows that dangling legs in a forward facing seat is usually less comfortable for a child than crossed legs in rear facing.

Jackieyoulooknice · 26/08/2018 13:48

I am gobsmacked by most replies..

Erm yeah putting a child in a carseat that they are too big for is disgusting behaviour. How dare anyone suggest that the bare minimum in safety is op going OTT?
And yes actually, extended rear facing is 5 x safer. I couldn't live with those statistics myself but then again a lot of people smoke during pregnancy despite the risks so not surprised.

Jackieyoulooknice · 26/08/2018 13:51

Also yes your child's life was at risk.

I cannot believe so many people have suggested you should have provided the carseat. You fucking tried. What an annoying load of replies.

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 13:53

Sharplily
It is only 500% safer in certain scenarios for kids under 2 not older children.
And it is BS that in the U.K. kids under 4 need to be rear-facing, laws in other countries are irrelevant.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 13:54

Extended Rear facing is not the bare min of safety.

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 13:58

Why on Earth would parents not want to do the safest thing for their child?

I assume you are trying to be condescending but I will answer your question

1 it's not the law in the U.K. to have rear-facing car seats above 1 year of age.
2 it is not proven to be 500% safer for all kids in all scenarios only for children under 2 in certain scenarios.
3 some people can put afford 300/400 plus on a rear-facing car seat
4 parents risk assess every day, I'm sure there are certain things you would allow your child to do that other might consider a risk.
5 many kids get sick from being in rear facing seats.

dundee12 · 26/08/2018 14:00

Said it before but also surely the car your in makes a huge difference?

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 14:00

In fact research shows that dangling legs in a forward facing seat is usually less comfortable for a child than crossed legs in rear facing.

I love all the research, try telling that to 3/4 year olds who can't move and are totally uncomfortable in rear facing sits.

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 14:02

Said it before but also surely the car your in makes a huge difference?

Yes of course it does, you would have much more protection in a larger car than a smart car regardless of car seat.

53rdWay · 26/08/2018 14:02

My 3/4 year old was totally fine in a rear-facing seat, as were a lot of others I know.

dundee12 · 26/08/2018 14:03

Thanks Olivia we have an XC90 & 4 yr old has been forward facing since 2 & I don’t believe i’m putting my child at a massive risk.

OliviaPopeRules · 26/08/2018 14:10

My 3/4 year old was totally fine in a rear-facing seat, as were a lot of others I know.

And that's fine for you. I think the 'wouldn't you want what safest for your child' brigade piss people off because of course everyone wants what's safest for the child. The vast majority will be following the law and the 5 times/500% safer statistic is only for younger children in certain scenarios. Maybe people have researched and decided forward facing was best (and remember it is legal) for their circumstances. Just because you have done a different thing does not mean they are any less concerned about safety. It just means they assess the risk differently as do many parents in many scenarios.

53rdWay · 26/08/2018 14:15

Maybe people have researched and decided forward facing was best

Which is fine, but doesn’t give them the right to declare that 3/4 year olds must be uncomfortable in rear-facing seats, as this is not in fact a universal truth.

Besides, the more important point is that the car seat the OP’s inlaws used was too small for the child anyway, so unsafe whichever way he was facing in it.

ItsColdNow · 26/08/2018 14:29

I know that rear facing is safest, but my 2 year old is in a Britax car seat facing forward as it fits slim seats in our car. She rear faced till 2. If I could afford a £400 car seat, that would be double the value of my car. Unfortunately we are not all in the same financial position even if we know what is safest.
They still also sell forward facing and they are not illegal, so that is another thread really.
My nephew was 27 kg at age 3, and despite being so young was too big for full harness car seats and had to go in a booster. This was safest for his weight and height and yet due to his age he really needed a full harness. So there are definitely children this age who are very heavy.

Gingerivy · 26/08/2018 14:41

Not sure why anyone would ask how long the journey was. Utterly irrelevant. Automobile accidents can occur anywhere. My sister's car was totalled less than 1/4 mile from her house by someone that blew a traffic light and slammed into her car.

DoinItForTheKids · 26/08/2018 14:48

Oh. My. God.

It DOESN'T MATTER what make or model of car you're in when it comes to whiplash, the forces and effects are the bloomin' same!!!!!

Walkingdeadfangirl · 26/08/2018 14:51

I just can't see any proof it is any safer for a 20+ kg baby to be in a rear facing seat than a forward facing one for a short 20 mph trip by careful grandparents along residential streets. What a mountain out of a molehill.

53rdWay · 26/08/2018 14:54

If the child's past the weight limit for the seat, then it isn't safe, no matter how carefully the grandparents drive.

Jackieyoulooknice · 26/08/2018 15:05

No, the bare minimum is ensuring the child fits the seat, they didn't. Therefore fucking substandard risky shit care.

DartmoorDoughnut · 26/08/2018 15:06

I do not understand HOW in this day and age people can be so ignorant, just google rear facing vs forward facing?!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=tuZFVPv3Rpk

OP YANBU at all Flowers

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