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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

275 replies

Chocoholic26 · 25/08/2018 23:01

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/08/2018 11:03

@Chocoholic26 your FIL is a bit of a dick really and probably a misogynistic one at that! How dare you stand up to him...

He now knows there is a line in the sand and both you and DH won't tolerate Home crossing it.

Banana770 · 26/08/2018 11:04

YANBU. We had similar as MIL turned DD’s ERF car seat around too soon (11 months or so). I told her to change it back. She was upset but complied. I choose my battles wisely and this was one worth having. I’m grateful for the childcare, but will say something over safety issues.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/08/2018 11:06

@53rdWay. She should have bought it anyway. It wasn’t their call to refuse it.

ALittleBitCleared · 26/08/2018 11:10

18kg at just over 2yo is an almighty percentile.

To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?
Shmithecat · 26/08/2018 11:26

All of you banging on about the child's weight - it's totally possible, just because your child wasn't that weight Confused. My son was off the top of the centiles for length when he was 5mo. It happens.

OP, you can get good erf seats less than £400. Look at the Britax Two Way Elite - rf to 25kg harnessed, non isofix so fairly universal, and can be adjusted for extra legroom with older/taller children. There's also a few ff, harnessed to 25kg seats, but these depend upon your car having tethers and possible isofix good depending on the seat. And someone else asked earlier about the safety of isofox/non isofox - isofix is no safer than a correctly installed belted seat. Isofix is just easier to not fuck up. HTH.

Phuquocdreams · 26/08/2018 11:28

How long was the car journey?

dundee12 · 26/08/2018 11:33

And someone else asked earlier about the safety of isofox/non isofox - isofix is no safer than a correctly installed belted seat. Isofix is just easier to not fuck up. HTH.

That was me, I was sure I read that lots of car seats do get fitted incorrectly hence why I chose isofix, less to worry about.

dundee12 · 26/08/2018 11:34

Thanks

Artichoke18 · 26/08/2018 11:39

The length of the car journey doesn’t matter. Do you leave your seatbelt off if just nipping to the shops? The only accident ds has been in so far was when we had driven two minutes away from the house, and someone drove into the back of the car. (He was fine, the polystyrene in his seat was broken though)

DoinItForTheKids · 26/08/2018 11:44

The length of the car journey or what type of roads it was on is absolutely irrelevant (give me strength, what bit of this don't you get?).

If they were smashed into on a 5 minute journey by a car thief being pursued by the police would it be deemed to be an 'ok journey' after that happened?

I think isofix is bound to give a less up-to-chance secure fit of the seat to the vehicle. But once again, whilst clearly one badly fitted to non-isofix would perform less well in the event of a smash, the fact remains that there is significantly less risk of severe brain injury or death if the child is facing rearward.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 11:45

What if they had just decided to get a taxi, where they wouldn’t have needed to use a car seat at all?

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 11:52

Thanks again for all those supporting me and ‘getting’ what I’m trying to say. To those who feel the tread title is OTT I’m sorry but they have put my son’s life in danger. They knew that! We’ve explained the reasoning to the car seats we use etc. It takes one person, to make one mistake, to cause one accident, regardless of the length of journey!

OP posts:
bluemascara · 26/08/2018 11:52

Reading your update, I think yabu and very dramatic.
Is this the only issue you have clashed over?

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 11:53

If they chose to get a taxi then I’d be even more cross!! For reasons that I feel are well explained here, geez just read the thread!

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 26/08/2018 11:53

YANBU.

I’m currently having car seat issues with my FIL about the one he went and bought that I don’t want used.

It’s a very difficult situation.

derxa · 26/08/2018 11:53

OP you sound very annoying.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 11:54

I have read the thread.

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 11:54

There are plenty of issues I could have ‘clashed over’ but I have let slip. I appreciate they are the children’s GP but safety is a different ball game. I WILL NOT let that slip!

OP posts:
DoinItForTheKids · 26/08/2018 11:55

Just because it's not illegal to put a child into a taxi without a car seat doesn't mean people should choose to do so! It's not law that you have to not put a car seat in a taxi so if travelling by taxi, take a car seat with you - non'problem' solved!

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 11:55

You seriously need to chill.

Get someone else to do your childcare.

DoinItForTheKids · 26/08/2018 11:56

And if there's anything you don't allow to slip, safety is obviously that one thing that's non-negotiable. YANBU OP, not one little bit.

DoinItForTheKids · 26/08/2018 11:58

So Cockapoomummy if someone else did OPs childcare eg a nanny and the nanny put the child into the car seat in an unsafe way, would that make it ok? When you take on childcare (in fact it sounds like the ILs have overtly and assertively stated their desire to have unsupervised access to the GC) then you take on the same responsibilities for safety as the parents have. And that also requires you to be up to the minute on safety - if you don't know better, instead of being a conceited arse about it, you defer to the person who presents you with evidence that their way is safer. If you genuinely care about the GC and it's not an exercise in exercising control over others, then that would be your primary goal. This was inherent in their offering to have the GC the moment they said it.

DoinItForTheKids · 26/08/2018 11:59

Apparently it's ok to be unsafe if it's family?!?

Isn't that worse?! Hmm

bluemascara · 26/08/2018 12:01

Fs OP catch a grip.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 12:01

I suggested the op get someone else to do childcare so that she could be sure that her child would be treated according to her standards.

She will have to pay for that, of course.