To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

[Chocoholic26]

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

I agree with sherbert, Most of this could have been avoided, In the beginning, you should have provided the car seats and asked for them(insisted ) they were used. This conflict would have been short and swift. Most of this could have been avoided, FIL sounds difficult but you can't do this by text. Accepting free childcare from family often comes at a price. You need to all sit down and calm down

And yes, agree 100% that the op should have provided the car seat from the get go.

I’ve occasionally jumped in a taxi or uber with my 3/4 yr old due to tube delays, rain etc, Not ideal to have no car seat but also not possible to take it with me in the nappy bag.

Ffs it’s not “free childcare” in the usual way - it’s the grandparents WANTING to have a day a week with their grandchildren. It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. And it would be sad and awful if OP just dumped them and their day together because the ILs didn’t listen. Likewise, the ILs can’t just disregard OP’s wishes because they are babysitting one day a week which they WANT to do. Jesus Christ people on here are funny about GP having GC regularly. Glad you’ve resolved it OP xx

OP, just to say that my in laws did the same thing when my little one was 9 months old. I had him RF till he was 4 and back then you had to import the seats or go to Milton Keynes, you couldn’t just buy a RF off the shelf like now. In laws haven’t had the kids in a car since.

Thanks DoinItForTheKids appreciate your support and you articulate my argument much better than me. Unfortunately mumsnet is full of peolple who are ready to disagree and I was well aware of that, so I take it all on the chin. I wouldn’t expect everyone to have the same opinion as me, but I would have thought everyone regarded safety of their children a priority. Being asked to ‘catch a grip’ doesn’t really help my situation. But thanks for your comment anyway.

Personally I think:

1. Using family for free childcare is never easy - you have to be flexible and not so stuck in your ways. If you are, then find paid childcare as you can tell them what to do, what to use etc.

1. Car seats with the older generation are tricky as they grew up with out them so don't make such a big deal about it. They won't understand. So it it's a massive deal to you don't leave your kids with them

If it was such a big deal, why didn’t you front it out ages ago over the car seat and make them use one you provided?

What sort of seat is your younger child in in their car?

Find more children

For the odd 'catch a grip' the overwhelming opinion on this board has been SOURCE OTHER CHILDCARE which you are choosing to ignore. Your sanctimonious 'I will not compromise on child safety' (because we all do) looses credibility when you don't trust them but still want to persist with the free child care. Children are perfectly capable of enjoying close relationships with their grandaparents whilst being in childcare and school. Especially so, when your in-laws live around the corner.

Perhaps YOU should re read the AIBU of your original post - how do I get over the embarrassing moment of dropping them off on Wednesday morning.

Aren't most three year olds under 18kg?? If the issue is just that you prefer rear facing and they think forward is fine, that's very different to the child being too heavy for the seat.

Of course, I would source other childcare. But I then run the risk of causing an even bigger rift. DH and GP WANT to continue. I guess I was asking if I have the right to be upset about what’s happened. Some people agree and some disagree.

FASH, away and read the full thread, please and thanks

Why didn’t you tell them at the start that car seat was non negotiable for you and they couldn’t have your kids if they weren’t prepared to use the car Seat you approved?

tbf my mil & mum do a fair bit of childcare. To avoid rows, I make the food/snacks for mil etc as she’s not great with healthy options. My mum has never childproofed or used a gate but I trust her.

Mumsnet won’t delete the thread and I’m actually now, after asking it to be deleted quite glad. I hope that people learn something from this in terms of car seat safety. Thanks for those who have highlighted this further and shared links and videos.

We bought the car seat for mil & my mum even though they were happy to buy their own. It’s just less hassle & means it’s my choice.

You are being ridiculously over dramatic. Get a grip

@palmtree I agree with most of your post except (as an older person) we may have grown up without car seats but we had them for our own children. Just different ones, which met the requirements of the day.

Has anyone considered that if car seat manufacturers didn’t upgrade their seat designs regularly they wouldn’t be in business? I suspect the old car seats were perfectly serviceable and safe.

Cockapoomummy - the grandparents live in town, so don't really need to use the car, so the agreement when they turned down the offer of a car seat was that they wouldn't drive the child anywhere.

He insisted on my very tall 2 nearly 3 year old sitting rearwards in the car ( back seat of course) when I said he wouldn’t fit with his long legs, he insisted he had to, After lots of trying, and a game 2-3 year old, he finally agreed, he couldn’t fit. ( idiot youth)

Well that's you both that were uneducated about it. My tall nearly 6yo still sits rear facing in the backseat of my tiny little car and he fits just fine. He'll be doing that for another year or so as he's still 3kg under the weight limit. But Halfords absolutely don't stock seats that are suitable to ERF to 25kg. I sent away to Sweden for mine. The difference in safety is very real and it's well worth keeping a child rear facing for as long as possible.

Not just in terms of mortality rates but even minor injuries. I've had to come to a sudden stop on a couple of occasions which have resulted in days of neck pain for me. And no issues whatsoever for DS as being rear facing protected him from what would have been a riskier minor injury for him, due to the proportional largeness of his head. Technically everyone is safer rear facing, but it's especially important for children who's necks and heads are more vulnerable because of their heads are proportionally larger. It's most important for babies but children are still at greater risk.

Your making a good argument but just coming across as completely over dramatic. Need to calm down . Your child's life was not at risk.

I had similar issues with my mil when she used to look after my eldest son one day a week. I am neurotic about car seat safety and all three of my children have used erf seats (my very small 5 year old is still happily rear facing). Mil was desperate to drive my son here there and everywhere in a second hand seat from the charity shop which I firmly said no to and explained why. She understood and said she'd get a new one from halfords so I explained that we were choosing to use an erf seat as much safer. she wasn't too happy about it but agreed and I researched what would fit in her car and couldn't find much (at the time erf seats weren't readily available) so we never got one for her. Tbh I was pleased about this as she is a shockingly bad driver! I got home from work one day and she said to me that she knows I wouldn't approve but she had taken my son out with someone she knows using their child's car seat which was completely the wrong stage seat. He was not within the height or weight range for the seat so it wouldn't have been safe. When I very politely told her this and said not to do it again she just tried to guilt trip me saying that he would miss out on so much if I didn't let her take him out again in this friend's seat.

I found it very hard with her different ways of doing things but as she was doing us a big favor looking after our son each week I chose to ignore most things. I only ever mentioned safety concerns and ignored all the day to day things that drove me mad!

OP - you don’t trust them much anymore becasue of what they’ve done and that’s ok. They didn’t listen to what you wanted. Maybe time to look for alternative childcare.

I don’t think you’ve handled the situation well though - sitting them down and lecturing them (akin to having a meeting?!) is not really how you treat family - they probably felt very undermined and very disrespected. These are your husbands parents - not some random off the street.

I think approaching this by saying to GPs that they put their GC life at risk, is an over dramatic way to phrase it and would immediately put a lot of people on the defensive. Trying to tackle issues in a less emotive way, is more likely to be successful.
I accept it is safer, but I too am struggling to see how a tall 4 year old would fit in a rear facing car seat in a smaller car. But googling images it seems children in this situation sit with their legs up in the air, and resting against the back of the seat.