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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:22

@Dieu am I insisting though? Is that what this is? No. Read it properly before commenting

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Ohyesiam · 25/08/2018 19:22

Can’t believe the grief you are getting on here op.
Wish the vultures would get a life and stop indulging their nasty side on line like this.
Hope you get some answers that will help your child’s health problem .

optimusprimesmother · 25/08/2018 19:23

chick oh well that’s ok. If two of your adopted cousins don’t care - then yeah I suppose no one else should .. Hmm

sleepylittlebunnies · 25/08/2018 19:24

I fully understand you and DH wanting to know however it is entirely up to your MIL whether she tells you. At present she doesn’t want to and may have good reason. Do DH’s Grandparents know? Did they legally adopt him?

You may never find out which is a shame as most people do have a need to know where they came from. Hopefully there is no adverse medical history on his side and if DH has got to adulthood without any genetic issues then that is positive.

It may not be any consolation to him but many people don’t have full family medical history. Even those who know their parents may not be privy to medical issues.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/08/2018 19:24

MIL has her reasons for keeping quiet. You need to respect that OP.

tor8181 · 25/08/2018 19:25

its nice to have that side filled in but if you cant you cant

my partner was adopted,he knew nothing as he was taking away as a baby

that side had to go blank on both pregnancys

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:25

@chickenowner i’m Sorry but adoption is different. Because MIL never told the biological father she was pregnant and there was a planned adoption which changed she then didn’t want to contact afterwards. She she’s my DH as ‘doing Well’ good job, family? Owns a house and says his upbringing must not of been that bad and he has done ok not knowing. She told me that. I just accepted her view as no point arguing as that’s his place. I know the truth though how it has affected him, he has his life because he chose not to have a chip on his shoulder but there are still scars

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:27

To clarify: i’m not interested for me, it’s to support him and also our child. I have not interrogated her. Simple medical maternity forms sparked a discussion. After that anything more medical which has been challenging for us to say the least I have had to accept we cannot fill in the details and therefore more ways have been required. This hurts me. But it’s the way it is.

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Cockapoomummy · 25/08/2018 19:28

how Is adoption where you don’t know who your father is different? All you’re worried about according to you is genetics, so whether it’s by mil choice or via adoption surely makes no difference?

chickenowner · 25/08/2018 19:28

optimus

Wow, what an incredibly nasty, rude response.

I didn't say that they didn't care, I said that they didn't know anything about their birth parents.

I was actually using a real world example to try and reassure the obviously very upset and worried OP.

Please read properly before being so unpleasant. Fuck you.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:28

@Ohyesiam hey thanks. I’m glad not everyone thinks i’m some sort of witch!!

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JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 25/08/2018 19:30

But Fidgety what that seems to ignore is- mil wanted him adopted

OP has already hinted mil came from religious community. Perhaps she wanted an abortion and couldn't have one. She definitely didn't want the baby as she was in the process of giving him up - till her parents waltzed in. She didn't raise him. She didn't change her mind, she simply didn't want to have a child and sounds like she wasn't given a lot of choices.

I find it weird, going on about how you don't get anything back from her. She must have very complex feelings around the birth of her unwanted son's wanted child - jealousy, bitterness, regret, maybe. You don't really sound like you have thought about this from her pov much which is why people are reacting strongly.

Still, having grown up with a sibling who nearly died of a rare condition, I can see your concerns for your LO are paramount and of course if his life is in question you are going to feel desperate.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:30

@Ohyesiam because some of he answers are here dangling easy in front of us. I cannot explain anymore tbh and don’t think I should justify on my or my DH behalf why it’s upsetting, it just is to us. I suppose there is a lot more history with the MIL for both of us which compounds the emotional.

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chickenowner · 25/08/2018 19:30

I agree cockerpoo

My example is not different at all, except that my cousins knew nothing about either parent.

However I give up and am leaving this thread. I was trying to be helpful but have just had abuse in return.

C0untDucku1a · 25/08/2018 19:33

Maybe your mil knows the father better than other people and think no good can come from him knowing.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:34

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff hey thanks for sharing. I agree, I suppose I’m consumed with my situation right now I haven’t articulated or shown any empathy for how it must of been for her. Certainly her actions in his life have been very abnormal. I have helped and supported though, emotionally and financially. I would never talk to her like I have about her here I respect she’s my MIL but personally i’m bitterely disappointed she has seemed to of added to challenging times.

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Anxious2niteaaah · 25/08/2018 19:34

Op maybe mil has a good reason to not want to say,

Maybe she was raped,

Maybe she had an affair with a married man

Maybe she had a one night stand,

Maybe she slept around so much she genuinely doesn't know,

Maybe your husband was conceived using donor sperm and there never was a "dad"..just either a sperm sample off a local bloke or a sample in a clinic..

She has her reasons for not saying, people don't usually withold information for fun, maybe opening up that part of her life may destroy another marriage and family (like if your husband traces his father and he is already married with kids and your husband was conceived as the result of an affair)...or maybe she is afraid to have your husband's father in her life if your husband was conceived by rape..

Plenty of people go though life not knowing who their father/mother/parents in law etc is and they turn out fine...

Cockapoomummy · 25/08/2018 19:35

It’s pretty rude to call her actions abnormal.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:36

@chickenowner hey I hope you don’t think my comment was abuse. I just disagree and I appreciate you have added your storey to this because it does help give me perspective those here that have tried to be constructive. I just feel it’s different but happy to agree to disagree.

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:37

@Cockapoomummy I probably worded it bad, I mean several things throughout my DH’s upbringing. I think how he came into this world and those early years must of been very challenging for her.

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Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 19:38

Yes, incest happens in RL, @NorthernLurker it might well have been incest in mine and my DSis's case, as my F and brother were both part of it. (I don't blame my DB as he was a victim too and is seriously damaged.)

I don't think the OP meant that incest doesn't happen in RL. She was saying that she's a RL person not a character in a soap that you can be justified in attacking so viciously. You've been appalling on here. Hmm

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:39

@Cockapoomummy i’m Finding it hard to
Explain why I think it’s different from adoption but I do. I suppose we can only know how we feel about the situation in front of us and it feels like the information could be so easily given to us and DH hasn’t accepted like he may of done with adoption that there is a clear line of background. I hope I haven’t offended anyone who is adopted I just can only reiterate I can only comment on our situation and how it feels.

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Cockapoomummy · 25/08/2018 19:41

But the information you think could be so easily given might totally traumatise and destroy your MIL.

can’t you see how horrid it is to minimise her feelings like this?

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:41

@Lizzie48 hey there.....if ever I needed a wing woman with some like @northernlurker it was now. I hope they go back to lurking in all honesty

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Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 19:42

@Cockapoomummy mmm maybe. I’m not meaning too and I think it’s a bad situation with a lot of bad history away from this one issue.

I’m usually someone who is very sympathetic but I do find that hard with MIL

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