How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

[Tigertill716]

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

@Joboy thanks for the info. Will have a look.

None of your business really and no use worrying about accurate info for medical notes. God only knows how many families have lied about some dubious branch of the family tree.

I'm pretty sure my dad isn't my biological dad but without opening a whole warehouse of cans of worms I'll never know. And don't need to know. They're all dead now anyway.

@ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName thanks for sharing and yes I don’t really get the ‘none of your business’ brigade

I know of two families where the appearance of a ‘love child’ - one an adult - has been catastrophic. Put your own curiosity to one side and consider what the repercussions could be before you encourage your DH to pursue this.

It’s a weird thing in mumsnet where you’re not supposed to have any reason to know anyone else’s business. In real life not knowing who your parents are causes some people considerable pain. You only have to watch Long Lost Family to recognise that. Your dh sounds like one of those people. Others may feel they don’t need to know but they can’t pretend their feelings are somehow right and universal.

We’re also not supposed to interfere in our in laws relationships with their families on mn. Sorry but my dh’s family has caused him considerable pain in the past and I have intervened at times and been assertive with them in the way my dh couldn’t (because it was too painful and that’s how he dealt with it by avoiding it - but this ultimately caused him more pain because it was never resolved). His relationship with his family is much more honest and they are frankly nicer to him as a result!

I can quite understand why you want to support your husband in his issues with his mother. It certainly doesn’t sound from her other actions that she is protecting from pain by withholding information.

I think you sound both self centred and intrusive. Your mil's reproductive history is none of your concern. How dare you ask about it, possibly dragging up very painful memories, because it might affect your ickle baby.
If she wanted to tell him she would have long before you shoved your oar in.
Have you considered it might not be rape, it might be incest?

Your DH could have been the result of a brief fling or one night stand. Your MiL decided to keep her baby and raise him, probably with difficulty. You sound like you have no empathy

I've traced my family tree and it's not too hard the problem is finding the living. My husband has an enzyme deficiency which means if he comes into contact with a certain substance then his body is unable to deal with it and the result is death. Many years ago genetic testing was undertaken for various branches of the family tree as up until that point no-one knew this was looming in the background. Now we all know about it we can take precautions however if there was a secret child out there and they didn't know they could unwittingly cause their own death.

This isn't your business at all. It's entirely between your husband and his mother.

This ^

Your MIL might have escaped a horrible relationship, she might have been raped, she might have been abandoned. . . . let it go.

@NorthernLurker this is not eastenders it’s real life and your sarcasm and spiteful post is not wanted. Go and find another post to comment on.

There are companies such as 23 and me that will take your DNA and compare it to other samples in their database to support ancestry tracing. They match relatives who've uploaded their own samples and if they've made themselves available for contact you might be able to find people from his side of the family (eg cousins) and trace him that way.

It's a technique that's being used recently by the police in America for cold cases and unidentified bodies - a high profile serial attacker from the 70s and80s was caught earlier this year after DNA was run through an archive which found a distant cousin, and then traditional genealogy used to identify the perpetrator (an ex cop who'd never been under any suspicion) so it can be effective.

However it is something to think about seriously and it might be worth thinking about counselling for your DH so he can prepare himself for the various scenarios that could unfold, whether he finds his father or not.

I have a cousin who was adopted and his wife pushed him to find his birth family. To say it’s been a clusterfuck is putting it mildly.

I can understand why you want to know but you really need to leave it to your DH

@ArnoldBee hey thanks for sharing and i’m really pleased you’ve been able to be in a better informed position.

I don't see why DMIL can't say eg Your father was not a nice man and I don't think you should contact him or he lied to me and I don't know his real name whatever whatever - saying nothing is asking for trouble.
No need to bring up horrible memories in detail if that is the case but some explanation would be kind imv.

And in my case, my ex was incredibly abusive and I’ve never told my kids they just think we were incompatible. What Mil is telling might not be the truth. (And I don’t get why you are furious with her)

Thinking about it, my adopted DNephew will probably never know who his biological F is because his birth mum refused point blank to name him. She hasn't told anyone in her family that she had a baby and I suspect that if she had found out earlier in her pregnancy that she would have had a termination. I don't doubt that she had her reasons as she's a loving DM to her other 3 DC.

Thankfully he has a really lovely dad in my DBIL, my DSis's DH. But DSis does worry about the effect this will have on him when he's older.

OTOH, my adopted DD's will know the whole truth one day about their birth family and it won't be pleasant for them at all. (SS carry a lot of the blame.)

It really can be better not to know.

@maggiecate thanks for sharing. It could be such a can of worms for us as DH doesn’t think his mum even told his biological dad he existed and time went by. Can you imagine contacting someone if alive to say i’m your son. It’s so hard I just try not to advise I just listen and discuss any option he looks to explore. The conversation with his mum hasn’t happened somits but up for so long. We’ll see, maybe DNA is a way to go.

Incest happens in real life not just Eastenders. You don't like seeing yourself as others see you do you op? Better not post in aibu if that's the case. I can see you like to have things your own way though, you want to know this about her life so she should tell you, you don't like my post so I shouldn't bother and so on.

Who do you think you are, insisting to know the details of your husband's paternity?
YABU.

I think you're being given a rough ride here op. It's your family, your dh and dc. They do have a right to know. Even if the circumstances are bad then your mil should do the right thing and tell your dh who his father is.

User of many numbers The OP's DH was adopted and raised by his grandparents.

His mother must have had to give her agreement to that even back then, no?

Whatever the circumstances, its inherently selfish and self absorbed to deny her child the fundamental knowledge of where half of him came from?

Notwithstanding inherited medical history which is massively important in itself, there is also the risk of blood related relatives unwittingly having relationships which probably happens more than we like to think about.

@FidgetyFingers oh wow your last paragraph. That has never crossed my mind but you’re right. I cannot even comprehend.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm adopted. I also have two genetic conditions, neither life threatening although one affects my daily life but is easily managed. Both were diagnosed without knowing one iota of my biological medical history. One of my sons has been tested for that one condition, the other has refused testing.

So I understand where you are coming from, but I still say that it's up to your DH to pursue this with his mother on his own without prompting from you.

I do feel however, that more extensive genetic testing should be available for those of us who have an unknown genetic background. For me (in the US) that would mean it should be 100% covered by insurance. For you that would probably mean free on the NHS.

You don't need to know.

I have 2 adopted cousins who have both gone on to have their own children. They knew absolutely nothing about the health or genetic background of either of their birth parents, yet both went on to have healthy children.