To be upset my friends have met up without me?

[creamandpink]

Saw on Instagram

Boo boo, feel v sorry for me today.

When I was childfree there was no way on earth I’d want to spend a day out with other people’s kids and I’d assume they’d feel the same

You see that assumption is where people get hurt, they have feelings.

I have several dear friends who are happy to come out for the day with my kids, and do things they are normally 'excluded' from (local farm, theme park etc)

I give them a choice and more often than not they tag along and have a nice day

At least give them the choice!!

I'm bowing out because there's no way I'm sitting around being called narcissistic when that is in no way true.

Kinda is.

It took years to meet my DH and then get pregnant, so I did experience this a bit as my friends gradually had children and started doing kid-stuff. And also making other friends with children. I did find it upsetting and sometimes lonely and I felt jealous of the meet ups I could see happening - the women with babies in a group in the cafe or in the park. But I cultivated other friendships via hobbies and work.

Then I unexpectedly got pregnant and entered that world for myself. And discovered it’s not the slightest bit fun, but actually just a way of surviving another day. Going to soft play or the park or whatever is grim. It’s boring, you don’t get to do any of the things you want to do (I’d like to lie on the grass at the park and read my book but my toddler wants to be pushed on the swing or feed the ducks). Everything has to be arranged around toddler timings so I no longer, for instance, find I can meet up for post-work drinks as that’s exactly the time when toddlers are most full on and by the time DH is home from work to look after her I’d be arriving for the drinks just as they’re departing.

So, it sounds like you’re just at different life stages and it’s not deliberately excluding you. Maybe, if you genuinely do want to go on a play date with a load of other people’s kids, mention to them that it looked fun and you’d love to join them another time. It’s also worth cultivating a variety of friends so you’re less dependent on these.

If it was a night out type thing - yanbu

Mums day out with kids - yabu (unless you have kids and they didn’t invite you) happened to me loads when I didn’t have kids. Now I do we go out as groups and friends who have no kids aren’t usually Invited - they would feel too out if Place and tbh, they would hate it!

Now I do we go out as groups and friends who have no kids aren’t usually Invited - they would feel too out if Place and tbh, they would hate it!

How do you know? Have you ever actually asked them or are you just assuming?

I wouldn't think to invite a child free person if a group of us were going out with the children either.

Apparently those of us without kids have to forget attempting to foster any continuation of friendship with those we've been friends with for a long time who now have kids because we've no longer got anything in common, so we're not good enough as friends.

No. I would invite a friend without children round for a coffee or a night out etc. I just wouldn't have thought to invite them to a child's day out.

Sometimes friendships do die out due to being in different life stages. My friend has recently had a baby (her other child is 19) and I have seen her much less than normal because she can't meet up without the baby and in the little spare time I have to socialise I want to do things away from children. I have five myself but I now have more freedom to do adult things which is what I now prefer doing.

It is OK to not invite everyone to everything you do and it is perfectly OK for these mothers to not invite OP because she doesn't have children. There was likely no malice intended, they just wanted to meet to do something with the children and as OP doesn't have any, it is perfectly acceptable not to invite her.

I am sorry it hurt you though OP

There was likely no malice intended, they just wanted to meet to do something with the children and as OP doesn't have any, it is perfectly acceptable not to invite her.

This is why women who can’t have children end up so isolated. I hate this thread.

I don't see any of my child free colleagues in their 30s and 40s as isolated. They all have great social lives with friends with children and friends without. I wasn't isolated in my 20s and early 30s as friends started families. Most people have different groups of friends to suit different needs and activities. Look at any wedding or funeral - there will be lots of different pockets of family and friends there who all had different relationships with the couple/person. It's not spiteful, it's just life.

"This is why women who can’t have children end up so isolated. "

But it's up to everyone to be proactive & organise stuff with friends/let them know that they are interested in joining days out with kids.

why the fuck would you be expected to come to or want to go on a childrens day out if you didnt have to. They probably didnt invite you because it was about getting the kids together and these events are usually stressful and hideous for the adults, despite the instagram pics

This thread is so odd and sad. Most of my friends have kids now, I don't. I still see them, and I enjoy spending time with their kids! I'm not watching the clock, I'm helping entertain/wrangle while still being able to see my friends. Their young children are their life right now, and that's fine - I wouldn't dream of expecting them to still want to go out for dinner and drinks at toddler bedtime.

This is why women who can’t have children end up so isolated. I hate this thread.

But surely a meet up with mums at soft play are not the only options for socialising with these friends? Why not suggest something that doesn't revolve around the kids?

What is it about kids playdates you think you're missing out on? I'm wondering if it's because you (general you rather than specific you) can't have kids you feel denied this experience? That perhaps you're seeing some bonding going on between mums (and the bonding usually comes about because they are experiencing motherhood together and sharing that experience) and feeling denied that?

My friend struggled to conceive and was childless when my kids were small, yet I'd still invite her out, adults only and yes soft play, which she did graciously, capable of chatting while they played.
She was invited to all their birthday parties.

They are my friends and I included them in my life warts and all.

Some of you are seriously mean and don't deserve friends.

OP are you childless by choice or circumstances? I can see why your friends wouldn't have invited you to a kiddie play date for either option to be honest, but if you genuinely want to be just say, they'll probably be quite pleased! In my group of close friends I'm currently the only one with a child, so most of the time I see my friends for non-child-friendly things, meals out or at each other's houses etc or drinks. Every now and again though one will ask to pop over to see DS or come with us to the park etc which I always think is lovely but equally I'm always on edge hoping my child behaves! If it's a child-friendly meet up eg daytime lunch/BBQ DS is also always invited which is lovely. I would never dream of inviting them to softplay/park etc though, although they're always invited and attend his birthday parties.

I find this sort of thing very difficult to unpick as I have old friends scattered around the country and newer friends in the local area. I have friends in the local area I have met at different times and many of those know each other because it is a small place. With my local friends when we try to arrange a get together it regularly doesn't happen because everyone has conflicting schedules. So I have backed out of making arrangements and have hardly seen anyone for ages.

I am in the position that with my local 'group' friends I find some of them irritating though they are nice people so there is little motivation to push through the scheduling issues to make it (a meet up) happen. With the friends in the group's I actually gel with I prefer to see them singly or just a couple at a time. The group dynamic rarely works long term for me.

Is it really the case as an adult that friendships come as package deals and is it really imperative that everyone is included in every thing. I have very different tastes in music and culture to most of my local friends I would not dream of inflicting that on them! Nor would they thank me, I opt out of things and don't get invited to things by local friends as we are all capable of talking to each other and seeing each other if we really want to. I am well into my forties though so as a twenty yo I would have had different expectations of my friends. It is difficult when your group dynamic changes before / without you.

I have gone out for the day with children and would not have considered inviting someone without kids (or without kids cos it is her ex's contact weekend for example) as the priority would be inviting children likely to get on with each other and as I have 3 kids already it was handy to do day trips with the other person I know with 3 kids same age as mine and who also doesn't drive as we are very simpatico!😁 It would not cross my mind to think must invite x or y as they are also my friend. It is utility and as a parent i have found - to stay sane - you have to focus on the practical and not sweat about delicate balances of friendships, fragile adult egos etc. But I can accept I may not be as 'good' a friend as I was pre-children.

Some of you are seriously mean and don't deserve friends.

What rubbish! I would invite my childfree friend out to do lots of things with me. I just wouldn't think to invite her to a group get together for children.

I wouldn't invite a friend without a dog to come on a group dog walk/socialiser.

It is a bit hypocritical saying we are mean and in the same sentence telling us we don't deserve friends. I am a good friend, but that doesn't mean I have to invite everyone to everything. I would also feel seriously smothered if my friend thinks she should get an invitation to everything I do.

I don't think it is ever insensitive to invite someone to something. People can chose to accept or not accept any invitation.

I don't agree, and check AIBU to see that others feel the same way. People are always taking offence at being invited to weddings, kids parties, adults parties, baby showers, etc. There was one just yesterday where OP was annoyed that she had been invited to a BBQ, as she couldn't be bothered to go!

And the response to those threads is never "well simply decline, but it was nice of them to invite you". No, it's "those CFs, wanting you to attend their speshal snowflake party, who do they think they are!".

I have to say, when my nieces and nephews arrived, it was lovely to be able to take them out for the day or have them to stay and reconnect to the world of kids' films, playgrounds, feeding the ducks etc. I really enjoyed it, and a lot of childless people would feel the same.

So while I don't think it's mean or unkind to not invite them, I think it could really make someone happy to give them the option of coming along and getting involved.

Some of you are seriously mean and don't deserve friends

Not at all, but some of you are extremely precious and oversensitive and won't have any friends for long if you expect them to invite you to everything they ever do and complain when they don't.
Are people actually that arrogant?

goodgirls I think some people are trying to explain why childless people don't necessarily want to be excluded from events focussed on children. For some, it is a world they would like to be connected to, even by proxy.

Then all they have to do is actually make that known to their friends, rather than complaining about their friends behind their backs. It's not hard.

Then all they have to do is actually make that known to their friends, rather than complaining about their friends behind their backs. It's not hard.

You’re assuming we haven’t.

I have a group of five friends and we always met as the whole group (except if people couldn’t make it, then whoever was around would come). Now they meet without me because I have a dysfunctional uterus. I’ve said time and again that I’d love to come along but mysteriously they always seem to forget to text me.

I think it ,at be harder if you still live in the area where you grew up and see people's lives take a different path to your own. I have family where I grew up and old friends that I catch up with on FB, but would never have the time to see on a flying visit. My closest friend was at university with me, so we fix a date to spend a day together once a year, but I don't know any of her local friends. I have the odd drink or lunch with friends at work. There are a couple of friends who have children the same age and we meet for the odd coffee or meal every couple of months. I see people I play tennis each week, but I couldn't even tell you if some of them have children. Perhaps I'm a lot older than the OP or perhaps I'm just unsociable, but my friends all seem to operate in similar ways as we've all met at different stages of our lives and realise we all need friends to satisfy different needs. The rest of the time I'm too busy with my career and providing a taxi service for a teenager to even care what my friends are doing.

Then you need to get new friends.