To be upset my friends have met up without me?

[creamandpink]

Saw on Instagram

Boo boo, feel v sorry for me today.

Apparently those of us without kids have to forget attempting to foster any continuation of friendship with those we've been friends with for a long time who now have kids because we've no longer got anything in common, so we're not good enough as friends.

That sounds quite petulant tbh.

Do you expect to be invited to everything all the time?

Can you not understand that different people have different purposes in your life?

Would you invite the ex-alcoholic friend on a wine-tasting weekend?

The one without a horse on a countryside hack?

The one that can't swim to the pool to concentrate on lengths?

No. You wouldn't. Because that would be bizarre.

So why invite someone who doesn't have a child on a children's play date when you could arrange to do something far more interesting with them?

I think I have this straight... Your friends all have kids and mums and kids met up. You don't have kids and weren't invited ... this is extremely unlikely to be malicious or any reflection on their feelings towards you.

However yanbu to feel left out. As it is not malicious though just say it. Post a comment - looks like fun can I come next time - so they know you would like to.

I don't have any friends without children but I have a friend who is separated and only has her kids every other weekend. If we are having a BBQ on a childfree weekend (kids around 10 so tend to keep themselves busy) I will invite her but know she might have something more exciting to do. If a couple of us planned to take the kids to a skate park I wouldn't ask her.

So you feel rubbish for not being invited on a kids day out? I've never thought to invite my friends without kids because it's literally a day out for the kids, a lot of time isn't spent sat down chatting. Imagine if everyone had to invite every friend every single time they made plans

@GuntyMcGee

I see what you're saying, but I honestly think that most parents would assume that non-parents wouldn't want to come on an outing that involved activities for their children. It's difficult to maintain conversations when you're interacting with/watching children, even older ones. DS (10, for example, is constantly coming over to tell me what he's doing, it's just the way children are!

If you don't mind the chaos, let your friends know that you enjoy hanging out in those situations and they'll be only too happy to have an extra adult along. One of my friends doesn't have children, but she's so great with mine that it's wonderful when she comes out with us. Not everyone would enjoy it, though, some friends only want to meet up with DH and I.

Its like whining that your cycling friends didn't invite you to their bike event when you don't know how to cycle and dont own one.

Some people just think they are the centre of the universe.

I am in a group of four friends who meet up regularly for lunch etc, three of us have DC. A few weeks ago I met up with the other 2 friends who have DC because I was having a hard time with my DC and it was nice that these 2 women knew what I was taking about and had felt the same, the other one of our friendship group does not have DC and has rarely been around them so she probably would have found the conversation boring.

She knew we were meeting up and honestly? She didn't care because she realised that we were not excluding her to be malicious and she also knew that it is unreasonable and ridiculous to be invited to everything. She has also met with my other 2 friends when I haven't been there and they have met without 1 or 2 of us etc. We all understand that we don't all have to meet up together every single time. I also spend time with other people outside of that group and they all do the same.
that is how adult friendships work. No need to get so offended.

I’m sorry you’re upset op!

I don’t fully understand why your friends can’t sometimes go out without you though. I’m not sure I’d be hurt by that, but it looks like I’m in the minorty with this outlook.

I think I’ll have to be more aware when I meet up with my friends as it would never occur to me I couldn’t see one without including the other. this is going to open up a whole new world of faff for me!

Also just reading about women with/without children friendships.

It sad so many women without kids feel lonely. I think since I had my DC I’ve never been lonelier. Most of my friends don’t have kids or have grown upish kids and honestly getting them to make any changes to their plans to accommodate my toddlers nap and bed time has been met with hostility. I always felt that I was the awkward one no one wants to hang out with I never suspected the shoe could be on the other foot too! It’s really a shame.

Maybe all us awkward outcasts from both sides should unite and be lonely all together! #bestplanever

They might not really like you.

Have to admit as you don't have small children I would've assumed you wouldn't want to go. But if it was the whole group it would've been nice to invite you, even at the risk of you declining. They probably just assumed though rather than deliberately being mean.

As others have said, they probably didn't think you'd be interested in coming along to a play date. (My children are grown up now and no way would I want to go out with friends and their young kids any more. It was tedious enough when my own kids and their peers were young!)

However, if you think you would enjoy it, OP, just have a friendly word with the likely organiser along the lines of.. "Your day out with the children looked like fun, I'd love to come along next time if you could do with an extra grown up to keep an eye on the kids." Careful what you wish for though...a day out with a load of (sometimes) high maintenance, whiny, misbehaving, tearful, tantrumming kids isn't everyone's idea of fun!

I’ve got 3 best friends my daughter’s school. A few years ago I had a baby and then one day was at one of their houses and saw a birthday meal on the calendar I hadn’t been invited to. I asked that friend and she said they had gone out but no more was said. I was devastated and very nearly cut them out. I ignored any messages off them for a few weeks but didn’t tell them why, and I never asked the one whose birthday it had been. I’m presuming they thought I wouldn’t go out with a tiny baby (she would have been about 6 weeks old).

After a couple of weeks I was fine with them again and we are all still very close. I am really glad that I didn’t cut them out.

We do meet up as groups of 2, 3 and 4 depending on who is available and who wants to do something. If the other 3 kept meeting without me then that would be different.

Genuinely it wouldn’t occur to most mothers planning a day out at the park/ farm or whatever that a childless friend would want to come. If they know that you do then you do have to say so. They might be thrilled if you are the sort who’d get stuck in and help. ( not so much if you were the kind who tries to carry on conversations as if the dc aren’t there at all..)

This. Absolutely. It wouldn't have occurred to me in a million years that anyone without kids would want to, say, spend the day at a children's farm.

Beware the effect that social media can give too. This has happened to me; I've arranged to meet one friend for a coffee, bumped into a third who has then plastered it all over FB (gushing "such a lovely catch up with Natalia and Susan" sort of thing). You then get several other people who are miffed to have been excluded from a big day out.....when there never was a big group day out - I'd just arranged to meet Susan in Caffè Nero because I'd wanted to borrow a sleeping bag for one of the kids.

There's some horrible messages on here. Really horrible.

I think a lot of the messages on here say it all really.

For many childless women it can be heartbreaking watching your social circle dwindle to nothing especially if you wanted to have your own children but can't.

OP, YANB at all U to feel sad. However this group of friends is likely to become unavailable to you unless you end up having your own child. Make some new friends (not easy) takes effort but long term you will be happier for it. And in 15 years or so these friends may become more available again.

For many childless women it can be heartbreaking watching your social circle dwindle to nothing especially if you wanted to have your own children but can't.

But if you know someone wanted to have their own children and couldn't, surely the very last thing you'd do would be to invite them along to a group activity focused on children? I'd think that would be the height of insensitivity. I have a friend in this position. I will do things with her and my children (eg a pub lunch, coffee and cake etc, coming to our house); she is very nice with them and they are really fond of her. But I wouldn't dream of suggesting she came to soft play/Legoland or whatever. I can barely tolerate that sort of thing myself.....!

Oh stop it. It's not horrible to point out the ridiculousness of expecting to be invited to everything any of your friends ever do. It's not horrible to point out that people are often not invited to things that are not aimed at them.
Complaining about a childfree person not being invited to a playdate is as daft as complaining that a woman with a newborn isn't invited to an evening at the Opera, or a swingers party.

Get over yourselves.

But if you know someone wanted to have their own children and couldn't, surely the very last thing you'd do would be to invite them along to a group activity focused on children? I'd think that would be the height of insensitivity. I have a friend in this position. I will do things with her and my children (eg a pub lunch, coffee and cake etc, coming to our house)

I don't think it is ever insensitive to invite someone to something. People can chose to accept or not accept any invitation.

And I am not saying that invites should always be open to everyone. I often meet with different friends while not inviting others.

I think the difficulty for childless people (especially in the early days) is they go from having a circle of friends to slowly being excluded from a lot of social situations (because everything becomes very child centred) and this can be very sad for them especially if they had wanted to have children and can't.

OP is upset and feels left out and that is not unreasonable.

I don't think it is ever insensitive to invite someone to something. People can chose to accept or not accept any invitation.

I'm not sure everyone would agree with that. I've seen many a thread on here where someone who's just had a miscarriage feels really upset to be asked to attend a baby shower. Or where someone having money problems feels a bit upset to be asked to go to an expensive event that they know others know they can't afford.

I do take your point that it must be awful to feel excluded. I think, though, if what OP wants to do is be involved in child centred activities, she needs to make that clear. I'm sure she'd be welcome; just the expectation may well be that she wouldn't want to go. Hopefully this just needs a bit of clarification.

I've got child-free friends and family. They have certainly made it know their choice to remain child-free is because they don't particularly like kids. These friends I wouldn't invite out to events arranged specifically for the kids. What we do instead is arrange a different kind of meet up where I know my attention can be on my friends and not my kids. I have had one childfree friend a little resentful that my focus was on my kids rather than him in the past and it just made the day out quite uncomfortable all round. Same as if they expected me to always go on the lash and finish the night clubbing when we meet up, it's not really going to work for me if I've got to get up at 5am with a bouncy toddler! As long as we all make time and effort to see each other it's not a problem.

So I would say it very much depends on the person who is child-free and their attitude towards kids and each individuals own experiences.

To those that are childfree and you want to be included because you have no problem getting in the ball pit at soft play, or are quite happy with endless interruptions whilst you chat over a cold coffee, and enjoy the kids company as much as the adults, believe me you will be most welcome. I would make sure this is known though to your friends otherwise they won't have a clue!

goodgirls
There are some horrible messages on here e.g. they might not really like you. Get over yourselves (lovely).

If you can't see that then there's not much anyone can really say is there.

Thats not horrible, its a perfectly reasonable explanation. If you're wondering why you don't get invited to things, them not liking you would be of the options on the differential diagnosis.

and you never consider the feelings of others before speaking/posting? wow!

Er what now? You expect people to not say things that are true because one of the half a million people who post on here might get upset by it?

Wow! Thats narcissistic.