To be upset my friends have met up without me?

[creamandpink]

Saw on Instagram

Boo boo, feel v sorry for me today.

Happened to me about 10 weeks ago- work colleagues- they even drove 25 miles to my home town for a meal out. I know it’s because of 1 girl who has forced herself into the group- she’s a 2 faced bitch and slags her friends off behind their back even her best friend. I’m eagerly awaiting the drama that is fast approaching when people realise what she’s like

I'm a bit confused.
You say you don't have dc, yet you say this was a "mummy meeting".
Why would you expect to be invited ?

I don't get this idea that because you are friends with 'Jane', that you would expect to go everywhere with 'Jane'. I would assume Jane has other friends too. I would assume sometimes she does something with friends from different group. Sometimes people get an opportunity last minute. Sometimes people just cba to 'organise the group'.. I'd find it really odd if someone felt 'left out' because I did something with someone else. How clingy can you get ?

if they decide you’re no longer worth inviting to “mummy days out”
I wouldn’t invite a friend without kids to ‘a day out with the kids’ because I wouldn’t expect them to want to go. When I was childfree there was no way on earth I’d want to spend a day out with other people’s kids and I’d assume they’d feel the same.
Nothing to do with not valuing them or not thinking them worth my time.

P.s. I don’t enjoy mummy meet ups I do them solely for the benefit of my child. No way I’d inflict that on my childfree friends.

If you’d like to be invited on another occasion you could post, ‘looks amazing, I’d love to join you all next time!’

Genuinely it wouldn’t occur to most mothers planning a day out at the park/ farm or whatever that a childless friend would want to come. If they know that you do then you do have to say so. They might be thrilled if you are the sort who’d get stuck in and help. ( not so much if you were the kind who tries to carry on conversations as if the dc aren’t there at all..)

Sorry you feel low though. Have a

Jesus, can everyone stop writing "mummy". It's so friggen cringe.

Say parent or play dates. But all this "mummy" is making my teeth itch.

I mean seriously. Mummy club? Mummy meet up?

For me it depends whether you are part of a group of friends who have always known each other as a group or whether you are friends with one or two of the women who met up but they also have other friends they have made with children of similar age.

If it's a longstanding group then YANBU for example I have 4 uni friends I meet up with a few times a year. We would never get together without inviting one person and some have kids, some don't. However I met up today at a park with 2 friends with children i wouldnt have invited my childless friends to that because it was for the children it wasn't a social event for us.

I agree with you Bluntness. Mummy meeting my arse.

To be perfectly honest if any of my friends dismissed my efforts to give my child a nice day with his friends as a "Mummy meeting" I probably wouldn't invite them to anything else again.

It can be really difficult trying to entertain and control a group of small children and make sure your childless friend isn't picking at the hem of her top, flicking through her phone or staring at the clock through sheer boredom, or rolling her eyes in frustration at the conversation being interrupted again by a child needing a wee.

But this isn't how I feel and my friends know this. I spend time with their kids and play with them as well as chatting with the parents.

Not all childless people are like what you have described above.

By not asking, you're not giving the childless person a chance to spend time with you. You're alienating them by being exclusive.

Just because you couldn't imagine spending time with other people's kids doesn't mean that someone who doesn't have the constant pressure of parenthood wouldn't want to. Especially if that's the only chance for them to actually spend time with you.

You don't have to entertain your childless friend or make them happy, they would be there because they want to. You're making out that a childless friend is as much as a burden as your kids. Which I guess is the point of the OP. She's not special enough to join the club. That's hurtful.

Keep on excluding them and eventually you'll lose them. They can't make an effort to come see you and your kids if you don't invite them, which really shows your lack of interest in the friendship.

I love it when my childless cousins/siblings come on family days out with us. But I feel they as they are family they are more about to tolerate tantrums/cut short days/doing things to our timetable to I am wary of inviting friends without children. When I have before they’ve been all spontaneous (hours late/changed plans/wanted to go unsuitable places/woken the baby) so it’s not through lack of trying. I now need someone to be really clear that they are okay with small kids and everything that entails otherwise it end up really stressful. Or I’m running round after the kids while they’re enjoying their meal! So it can work, but also sometimes it’s been awful!

So it’s a week day (assume you work?)
It’s the school holidays (assuming at least one of the children is school age)
Most parents of school age children spend 6 weeks trying to entertain/occupy them and as others have said, my guess is it’s about getting the kids together. It’s not a “let’s leave creamandpink out today” get together.

I would assume you were working. Honestly I always think “who will be around on that day” rather than expecting a friend to take a days leave from work.

Sorry, my point was that this thread has been a really useful reminder to keep trying- I had before earlier than lots of my friends and tbh I feel like I’m the burden- not them!

People assuming childfree people wouldn't want to spend days out with their friends and kids are exactly why childless people can become so isolated. I only have 1 other friend who is childless but she lives 2 hours away. Means I'm alone 90% of the time outside of work because I'm barely invited to anything by local friends (all have kids).
I'm lonely - really fucking lonely and I hate it. All because I don't fit the norm of having a husband and 2.4 kids. I can't have kids. I don't have a partner.

maskingtape, then try and make better friends who have more in common with you. A lot of the time, it's not that they aren't inviting you because they want to leave you out, it's because they are probably busy with kids and family life. Nothing at all personal. I have had to make friends with kids (as my friends without kids disappeared or I rarely see), which wasn't easy, but the majority of my time is with my own children and husband. I wouldn't invite a mate to a family day out, as that's our own time together.

This is why I hate social media. This kind of thing has always happened but prior to social media, most of the time you didn't know you were missing out. These days its not the case. Whether it was malicious, forgetfulness or something in between, social media means you will know and it will feel like a smack in the face. I believe we all have experienced this and probably have inflicted it on someone else.

I would try and move on from this, expand your social circle (or interests) and cut back on social media. I am sorry that you had to experience this though as it isn't nice.

Hmmm i see both sides here.

I guess id need more details on the meeting - i mean if they were off to a child orientated thing like soft play i wouldnt think to ask my childless friends. Not out of nastiness of anything just the sheer assumption of "why would they even want to be there" (cause i dont lol )

I can understand why people with children might assume that childfree friends might not want to go on an outing that's focussed around the kids.

But maybe this thread will encourage some of you to review this policy, and to just make it clear that your friend is more than welcome to join in but no offence will be taken if they'd rather not.

If the friend has nieces or nephews or a Godchild around the same age as your DCs, then maybe ask if she'd like to bring them along.

But regularly leaving them out, particularly if it's a friend who would love to have children of her own, can be unintentionally hurtful.

OP the main thing here is that you don't feel you were left out because they didn't want you around, but because they genuinely assumed that you wouldn't want to come.

then try and make better friends who have more in common with you. A lot of the time, it's not that they aren't inviting you because they want to leave you out, it's because they are probably busy with kids and family life.

This wasn’t the situation in the opening post. A group of friends had gone out with their children. It wouldn’t have been intruding on family time. There was no reason for the op not to have been asked.

It’s sad you think women with and without children don’t have anything in common.

Yup happened to me, now I’m not included at all.
No idea why.
Pretty nasty behaviour, leave them all to it.

It’s sad you think women with and without children don’t have anything in common.

I don't think it's thinking women with or without children have nothing in common, it's that different people have different things in common.

Play dates are rarely mums sitting around chatting happily while their children play a few feet away. It's snatching a few moans about child care in between mopping up tears and snot, pretending to listen to constant intelligible blathering, asking if anyone's got any wipes, a spare cup or spoon or juice.

Why would I invite my childless friends along to that when we could go and see a new exhibition together on another day and enjoy each other's company?

The mistake people are making is assuming that play dates are arranged for the benefit of the mothers - they're not, they're for the benefit of the children.

"I don't think it's thinking women with or without children have nothing in common, it's that different people have different things in common."

Yes I agree.

I'm not sure Op really gave enough info.

Unless this is a group of friends who always do everything together & this is the first time she hasn't been asked.

I have different sets of friends.

Some I'm friends with for my sake, some for the kids sakes...

I think a lot of people would be upset by that

only if they are narcissistic.

The idea that friends can't meet up without inviting everyone they know, its ridiculous

Are some people really that stupid these days though, that they don't think about you seeing them online, and how bad that might make you feel

No they aren't, its that normal people don't even imagine that others think that everything revolves around them and would think that its anything to do with them what they do or who they go out with.

God, people are such hard work!

Hmmm. I think I have been guilty of this. I and another member of a threesome met up together recently without the third member. We all used to work together high we all work in separate companies now. We two who met both have DC around the same age, and don’t work one day a week, so we met up on that day. We didn’t tell person three because she would have had to take the day off work and also because we knew we would probably just want to talk about our kids, which would have been boring for her, plus they’re both preschoolers and take quite a bit of wrangling which gets in the way of adult conversation. I do see the third person quite regularly without person 2, as we live much nearer to each other. And then we don’t usually talk about my DC because I’m aware that’s probably pretty dull. So maybe that’s what your mummy friends were thinking?

I will caveat this as I haven't read everything! But this happened to me and I basically got squeezed out of a group over time. Ultimately its been a good thing as the group had become toxic. But a good friend said to me at the time that it showed what they really thought of me.....so so true.

Got to say reading some responses have made me quite sad.

Apparently those of us without kids have to forget attempting to foster any continuation of friendship with those we've been friends with for a long time who now have kids because we've no longer got anything in common, so we're not good enough as friends.

Swings right back to how sodding hurtful and exclusive some people can be. But hey! You get your chance to moan about parenthood, so screw those who may just want to spend time with you because they can't join in. Nice.