DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

That's one good thing at least but it doesnt take away from your dc continually seeing their mother insulted and upset. As someone who grew up seeing that and also brushed it off to my mum as a teen i can tell you it really does affect despite the feigned nonchalance.

The more you write the more toxic and vile they seem. They sound beyond awful. Yes we only get one mother but doesn’t mean you have to tolerate vile treatment because she gave birth to you.

Your parents made you move out to study for your GCSEs because it would stop your sister having fun???? [Shock] [Shock] [Shock] That might just be one of the saddest/worst things I've ever read on MN.

Can't you see how history is repeating itself though, with your DN now being the favoured grandchild over your DD? You say your DD is really mature about this stuff and let's it wash over her, but I wonder how many people said that about you years ago, when you were forced to move out to study for your exams??? This might be having the same effect on her, it just hasn't come to the surface yet, in the same way it's only now that you're realising how toxic your family is. Do you really want your DD to end up feeling like you do now?

Yes, you only have one mother. But yours is awful and has consistently enabled your DS to bully you and to now bully your daughter. You'd be giving your DD the best life lesson as a parent by withdrawing her from this appalling situation and these appalling people.

Sorry, the didn't quite work!

You live locally if your DD wants to see her GP let her but stop with everything else honestly your parents are completely emotionally abusive towards you and you are teaching your DD that it's ok to be abused.

Your mother is no mum!

I think that's pretty much where I'm at, if I can get rid of the "only one mum" guilt, then I would have been NC already. I really have stopped trying to have a significant relationship - I think I need to stop trying to give my viewpoint too.

I really don't know what to do about DC and GP. DD really loves her cousins and GP and enjoys spending time with them. But I am worried about what she ends up exposed to. She generally doesn't see the arguments etc, obviously she is aware of the party issues.

Reading through your posts they actually get sadder and sadder

It’s almost like a box opening and the things that were buried deep are starting to come to the surface.

It’s probably time to restrict contact even further. The only reason why I haven’t suggested full NC is because of your niece. Although there will come a time when she will be able to have a relationship with you and dd that doesn’t have to be facilitated by her cunt of a mother

I think I need to stop trying to give my viewpoint too.

Yep, your family doesn't want to hear your side of things so why waste the energy trying to explain?

I wonder if your DD is keen to spend time with them to avoid that horrible feeling of being left out? She may be developing the sense of duty to see them that you've had. With a bit of luck though you may find she naturally withdraws as she gets older and would rather spend time with her friends than GPs.

Perhaps you need to carry on being honest and open with dd. Sounds like she’s hugely sensible and can see them for what they are

I would tell DD that DSis has always been treated favourably with examples and the horrible things the day about you BUT that her relationship with them is different (!?) and you are happy with her visiting etc for as long as she wants to be in touch with them.

It may open your DD eyes to her also being far less favoured so be prepared for that.

Keep your 100% focus on your DD your "family" aren't worth it!

Remove your DD from the issue. If your Dp's want contact with your children see if they contact you.

And sadly, I think they have already gone NC with you but (and I understand) you still think there is a tread of reconciliation.

I’d go NC with these muppets

I know I'll be forever told as the bad one if I went NC.

But you'll be the bad one regardless. You can at least remove these horrible people from your life.

I'm afraid that much as your dd may love them, given your last post I would have to keep her away from them too. She and her cousin can have contact by all means but I wouldn't be leaving my daughter with a person who said those things to me. God only knows what she might say to your dd and the cycle would continue.

Why didn’t you invite your neice for the last birthday where your DD just had a small meal out?

I think you and your sister are as bad as each other and your mother is making it worse by taking sides.

Change the weekend’s childcare arrangement, take your DD/DH/others if there are any, and walk away from the toxic stuff.

I often wonder how these strange people would feel if something happened to your or your daughter (God forbid). Would they be sorry they'd behaved like this or shrug it off? People are really weird, families most of all!

I’m so sorry OP. You deserve so much better.

I've just read through all your threads and agree that now is the time to go NC.
Your DS and DM will never change. They don't respect you as a person and you deserve to be respected. You sound like a lovely person, but you have to start respecting yourself and to do this you need to put an end to these toxic relationships.

I went NC with my Father about 15 years ago and have been so happy. To cut s long story short my DM died when I was young, he remarried a Woman that treated me like shit and he enabled her behaviour by never sticking up for me. When I was strong enough as a person I shut the door on him. Life has been so much better since.

I want to know where your DF is is in all if this. Why does he not stand up for you? Why does he run away from your DM for the day? Why is he not there for you?

OP someone close to me has almost precisely the same issues your sister has and she is causing havoc between her daughter and her niece. The age gap between the girls is almost identical.

It's not the same people so dont worry.

My DP and I are in complete agreement that the person responsible for the whole mess is the children's granny. She is a toxic bitch and has driven a rift through her daughters by favourtising one of them. Now her granddaughters are being affected.

On the face of it it looks like the problem is between the sisters but it's the granny who is causing that problem by manipulating her favourite daughter and isolating the other daughter.

One of the children, aged 7, has heard the granny's version as they discuss it in front of the 7 year old. That child is taking out her confusion on her cousin.

It's awful and I feel for you. The sane daughter who is like you has taken the decision to cut contact with her mother (vile vile person) for her DD's sake. She is planning to put space between her daughter and her niece.

Don't forget one minute think it's you. Your mother and your sister are responsible for this. You've already minimised contact. Stick with it until you're ready for no contact.

Your mother is an unbelievable cunt! I want to slap her and slapping people is wrong, but reading the stuff about you having to move out and her belittling absolutely everything about you is making my palm itchy.

If you won the Nobel Prize for something super clever, she'd still say "Ah, but your sister is better". If you gave your kidney to your sister, she'd say that it was appalling that you didn't give both. I don't know what issues your mother has, other than she clearly has a whole bagful of them, but none of that matters because she has no right to scapegoat you and disrespect you and basically be the appalling cunt she is. Clearly your sister is a total narcissist who will end up totally alone when your mother is no longer around to pander to her every single unreasonable whim. I feel very sorry for your niece that she has your hideous sister as a mother.

So, here's the thing about only having on mother. That mother may well be a monster. Yours is. While she certainly isn't a Rosemary West monster, she's shown you your whole life that you are only there for her to look down upon. Would you ever treat your daughter as your mother has treated you? Of course not, you're a good person who loves your child unconditionally and who wants nothing but good things and happiness for her. You will support her in anything she wants to do with her life. You will never compare her to someone else and constantly tell her she's just not quite good enough. Because you are a good mother and your mother is not.

Please go NC. Please. Eventually this toxicity will start to have an effect on your daughter and mature as she is for her age, it will damage her. Think of going NC as for her, not for you and you'll see that it's the only way to go. As for her liking her GPs and maybe you think she needs GPs in her life ... well mine were all dead by the time I was 14 and I did okay without them. It would have been nice to have them, but it's not unusual for children not to have grandparents and given that your mother cannot even give you the respect that you deserve for so many things, not least being a good mother to a lovely child, then she doesn't deserve to have any grandparent rights at all. Ever.

I know it must be hard to deal with something as life-changing as this because you have been abused by these people all your life, but you're better than them - look at how you got along without them - and you deserve a life free of their poison.

I think that's pretty much where I'm at, if I can get rid of the "only one mum" guilt,

Sorry to break it to you but you don't. The fact that she has given birth to you doesn't mean she is you "mum". Just a biological mother. "Mum" should nurture you, be happy for your success, help you when needed and love you.
None of this is happening. She is not your mum. She is your monster in a closet with even uglier monster wearing your sister's face.

Don't get stuck in this crap because of blood relation.

Your mother made you move out of home to study for GCSEs so as not to stop your sister having fun!!

Now just imagine that a friend, or a patient was telling you that and what you would advise. I’m pretty sure that you wouldn’t suggest continuing that relationship.

Please please stop having contact so that she can’t be vile to your daughter in the future

Your posts are making me think about my situation. My mother abandoned me and I never lived with her past being a young toddler. Years later she tried to get access to my kids. I didn't think I've only got one mum and my kids need a grandparent but I can understand you thinking that as you grew up with your mum. However , your dcs don't need someone in their life who treats their mother like shit. Cut the cord. For your own sake as much as theirs.

Your story is so familiar OP, I stopped speaking with my biolgical (as i call her now) 20 years ago after so many years of not being good enough for her, for her wonderful youngest daughter, and she did something unspeakable that i finally realised, I didnt have one mum, I had one LIFE and I wanted the best for my children and myself, and that was just removing them from our lives, I can seriously say with all honesty I havent missed the put downs, and the rest at all, I am happier, I dont have people in my life that do that to me, I wasted a long time trying to be who they wanted me to be....
You have to realise YOU are YOU not for them but for YOU..

I've accepted that I'm never good enough and that DS is the best at everything.

you are so wrong OP they are not good enough for you, rise above them and think only of you and yours take care and lift your head up and realise you and yours are worth so much more

OMG, your mother is a complete f-ing bitch.

I am sorry, but you must cut your ties with these people. If you can’t do it for yourself then please please please do it for your dd.

In all honesty, when I read the beginning of this post, I actually thought it was the most pathetic family fued of all time and found it quite funny that you where both as bad as each other, but after reading what your mum had done in the past, you and your daughter are BOTH victims here and you need to get away from these toxic people.

Your dd may be mature But is still not even a teen. No one should be that abusive to a 12 year old child. I have a 21 year old and would be just as outranged if my family ever treated her like that, and she’s an adult. Despicable behaviour 😡😡