DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

So you are still letting your DD go into this toxic house at the weekend? How is that low contact?

The risk you have by continuing this is history repeating itself. It has now become normal for your DD and therefore his emeshed nonsense is what’s he norm. My sister had NC with my dad as did I for a number of years. She didn’t deal with things well with her oldest DC and he went NC with her in his mid 20s. Protect your DD from this .

Apologies for badly written post and typos!

So what if you only get one Mum? I don’t get that argument at all. Being a Mum doesn’t magically make every woman a great person. Mums are like everyone else - some good some bad, some great to be around some not. Some aren’t worth the time fo day.

Is this something she has been manipulating you with for years? That you have to let her do what she likes because you only get one Mum?

"I just get stuck on the whole "you only get one mum" "

Yes-& look how she treats you-and your daughyer!

"You've only got one mum"

Yes, this is true. However, you deserve a loving, caring mother. We each deserve the Rolls Royce of mums.

You appear to have got a donkey cart. And it's not fit for purpose, either.

OP, I have a strong suspicion that your family have somehow found out that you posted about this problem on MN 18 months ago and the comments (toxic, abusive, cunty, despotic, delusioned) made by other posters, not you, but you’ve willlingly gone along with them have made them react this way. Perhaps they think they’re playing you at your own game: “She doesn’t know that we know that she thinks we don’t know...” Makes sense if you read it slowly .

Your family dynamic seems extremely disturbing and there are a lot of mind games going on between ALL the adults. My advice is to safeguard all the children in the family and cut all contact, at least until each individual comes to you for whatever reason.
But most importantly stop posting on a VERY PUBLIC forum about VERY PERSONAL situations.

NC is the only way. Stop allowing them to dictate what you are doing, both DSis & DM have demonstrated what they think about you, leave them to it.

OP is comes across as if you don't really realise how dreadful their behaviour is. They have done it your whole life and although you are vaguely aware they are not like other people's families you don't seem to fully accept that they are destroying your self confidence and self belief. This is why I would remove my daughter from the grandparents completely. If they brought up their daughter this way how do you know they won't do the same for your daughter who has Dn to compete with. She will always be second best.

I would never ever allow my daughter to be around these toxic people without me. Who knows what damage they may be causing her. Their treatment to you sounds emotionally abusive and now they are showing signs of doing it to your DD. Her resignation to being left out in this way shows she has already been worn out by them.

I think you need to consider your children and grow a back bone. You say she is not fussed, but she is a child and you are exposing her to an unnecessary situation. You need to go Nc and not send your daughter into a situation where she is being rejected. I feel for you as it’s nit your fault, but you must put your children’s feelings first.

I have gone low contact myself. I rarely see DM. I have stopped using them for any regular childcare as they used to.

I try to get the balance right with letting DD see what they are like and making her own choices.

You do only get one mum however if you treated your dc the way your mum has treated you, do you think you would deserve to be called mum by them? To have their time and love when you give fickle back?

To be blunt the only get one mum is said to guilt. Its to beat yourself with so they get away with toxic nastiness. And its untrue as well, since some mums dont deserve that title plus some people do have 2 mums.

Letting your child decide is good but she doesnt decide in a vacuum. She sees you playing peacemaker and that influences her. Maybe one day she will be the one saying fuck you. Or perhaps she will eventually on a bad day be worn down by their toxicity.

Equally if you say enough is enough no more bullyjng that will influence her positively

I try to get the balance right with letting DD see what they are like and making her own choices.

Don't let her be a Guinea pig and get hurt just for her to learn what you could simply tell her.

I honestly can’t see you did anything wrong, OP. Not all friendship dynamics work and a 2 year age gap is quite noticeable at that age. Plus, why should you feel obliged to?

I don’t know what to suggest as my gut reaction would be ‘fuck them’ And regret it later. Plus it punishes the girls which you’re trying not to do.

sunshineandsnow , I've recently made the decision to go nc with someone I thought o was very close to. I'm not going into detail, but suffice to say, over the last year or so, I've discovered that they have caused a lot of harm to other relationships by spreading some awful lies about me. I had decided to let it go as I didn't want to be 'the bad one' who went nc. The final straw was when they treated me very poorly at a family event and even other family members could not believe what they saw and heard. And then I knew I had to go nc, to protect myself and my Dh and dcs. And that nobody who had seen want happened old ever reasonably think that my decision was wrong. I told the person concerned and have been told I was mistaken, I was lying, I was deluded - I'm sure you get the picture. I felt sad when I made the decision, but can honesty say, I know it was the right one. They keep writing to me. The unopened letters have been passed on to my dsis for safekeeping.
It is so hard, but the way your mum and sis treat you and your dcs is wrong, plain wrong. I wish you the courage and determination you will need to see this through.

I just don't know. That's why I posted. Just to let you know I'm reading all your replies and thinking lots.

. I know I'll be forever told as the bad one if I went NC.

But do you care if they think you’re the bad guy? Is t worth sacrificing your sanity and self worth because you don’t want them to think badly of you? They’ve already made t pretty clear you’re bottom of the pile no matter what you do - so why not put yourself first and reacognise you don’t have to let yourself be treated like this. You deserve people in your life who consider you a priority - they’ve made it clear they don’t. By trying not to rock the boat, you’re essentially showing your dd it’s ok to let your family tr at you badly ‘because we know they’re a bit mad’?! The fact your sister is spoilt does not excuse her behaviour.

If I say anything like that, they say I'm overreacting and making things worse than they are.

In all honesty there is very little point in trying to tell them that their bad behaviour is the reason why you have reduced/cut contact. They won't believe it, they will dismiss your feelings as they consider them invalid, they will reduce your concerns to you being "over-sensitive", they will gaslight you that what you say happened never did.

It will not make them reflect on their own behaviour.

Just cut contact - leave it up to your DD (now she is 12) to decide whether or not she wishes to stay in touch with people who hold you in such contempt.

And yes, you might "only get one mother" but when she's like yours, she's better off cut out than left in to continue poisoning you - a bit like a cancerous tumour.

OP I find your answers rather short and feel you are with holding information, almost as if you are scared to open up and explain your take on the situation.
It's as if you have been trained to hide your opinion through fear of it being dismissed

You are allowed an opinion.

Some people will agree with you others won't, mostly based on their life experiences of different situations.
Some will have encountered family like yours and can share your experience (others not so much)

Neither opinion is wrong just a different perpective.

I think you need to let go and stop feeling hurt by these people, your sister sounds incredibly controlling and your mother scared of her. She can't see the wood for the trees, and enables her behaviours.

Walk away and ignore the circus before it destroys you completely

Wow. Greentulips. Yes.

DS has always been the favourite. There's nothing I can do that's good enough. I've got the kind of friends who tell me when I'm being a dick about something, and this situation is something no one has ever disagreed with me on. They see it for themselves.

I'm happy with my life and pleased with my achievements. When I wanted to pass my GCSEs to go to college, I had to move out, as it wasn't fair that I stopped DS having fun by me studying in the house. When I passed 4 A levels, DM replied "well you'll never be a nice person or pretty like your sister so it doesn't matter." When I passed a degree but then chose to do a nursing course, I had "wasted my time". Nursing itself was then also a waste of time, spending my life with "those kinds of people" (mental health). When I got divorced, they "always knew it would end in failure". I'm too fat. My house is too small and it's decorated strangely (I have colour and patterns, nothing weird).

I have become more and more low contact over the last few years, so as not to expose DC to the nonsense, but there's always some busybody telling me that you only have one mother, DC need GP, that I had to stop what I was doing. I don't have them at my house anymore, and I have visited them maybe three times in the last 18 months.

I've accepted that I'm never good enough and that DS is the best at everything. But the idea of never seeing anyone again seems very final.

I was just going to write that we have shared friends. But then I realised that there is actually quite a large number of people that DS went to school with, that are now friends with me but don't speak to her.

My answers have been short because I've just been thinking about what you are all saying. I appreciate people telling me I'm not crazy and unreasonable. It's such a change.

Read back your posts Sunshine, keep them and when they make you feel guilty try to imagine someone treating your dc that way. Let the upset and anger rush through you and fuel you.

Your family will always say you are bad, second best, useless and wrong. Because they know if you get an inkling they are wrong you will leave and they need you or know they will at some point.

They are abusive and the ultimate users. Sadly your dn may well end up playing this dynamic with your dd in the future given the toxicity.

How are your parents to your compared to cs?

To your dc compared to dn that should be.

When DD and DN are there together, they do anything for them, take them anywhere they want, treat them to anything. They do treat them equally to their faces.