Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would react if your 15 year old was pregnant

471 replies

IhaveNCdforthispost · 23/08/2018 11:38

And was unable to terminate. I am interested in how you would react to this.

OP posts:
JasmineByTheSea · 23/08/2018 14:03

I could never recommend an abortion but I would support my daughter if that was what she wanted. I would support her keeping the baby, too. Lots of love and hugs. I wouldn’t say anything negative about the consequences of her actions because that wouldn’t help.

thegreylady · 23/08/2018 14:04

I would have told her it was a pity it had happened while she was so young but would tell her we were with her and would love and support her and her baby always. I’d want to encourage her to carry on with school and would help with childcare whether personally or financially.

SnowyAlps · 23/08/2018 14:07

I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant and due to start uni that year. I moved out a month after I found out, my own choice, and continued going to school. I had ds a month before finishing 6th and started university as planned. I got my degree, and later a masters, and so did ds’s dad.

My parents who I didn’t and still don’t have the best relationship with, simply hugged me and told me it would all be ok. I don’t think I could have asked for a better response.

Ds is now 18. He knows how hard it has been, however if I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing. I would do it exactly the same way. I didn’t miss out on anything. But then I was slightly older than 15.

Ds and his gf use condoms and the pill as they don’t want to be teen parents. But if it happened I would hug them both as tight as I could, and they already know the deal- it is their decision 100%, and if they decided to keep the baby, they both must carry on in education until they complete their degrees. That will not be up for negotiation. They do have the option of me as childcare though as i am at home, so that would make things a little easier.

Maybugger · 23/08/2018 14:10

My parents made it abundantly clear that I would be thrown out and disowned, no question whatever.
My mother wasn't even pleased when I was pregnant three years after I got married.
If this had been my daughter I honestly don't know how I'd react; I'm not in a position to help health wise and have little money.
Thank goodness my DD never posed this dilemma.

JasmineByTheSea · 23/08/2018 14:10

SnowyAlps well done on finishing your education in those circumstances. Can’t have been easy.

speakout · 23/08/2018 14:12

I have brought my daughter up to know that early abortion is a safe and practical alternative if contraception should fail.

Although not an ideal procedure it's a similar thing that women though every month if they use a coil or indeed the contraceptive pill.

I would hope my daughter would terminate, although I would support her if she did not want to.

foggetyfog · 23/08/2018 14:15

I'd give her a hug and say I'd support her no matter what. No need for the lecture on being too young, she knows that.

BitchBadgerPlease · 23/08/2018 14:17

Well, throw her out obviously!

I jest.

Only one answer to this isn't there-I'd tell her I'm there for her no matter what and she's got all the support. I'd also want to know about the Father, consent, details.

I would also stress about the future and although the baby is obviously the priority, I'd make it known she needs to make plans for what else is going to happen in her life, that won't be simple as if the baby wasn't present.

runningkeenster · 23/08/2018 14:20

She was more worried about appearances, and what my dad would think, than my wellbeing

I suspect that many of the people saying they'd be supportive on here would be excruciatingly embarrassed if their daughter decided to keep the baby. They'd certainly be more bothered with appearances and what the neighbours would say.

Easy to organise a quickie abortion. Not so easy to actually have a pregnant teen dd.

corythatwas · 23/08/2018 14:21

I have dealt calmly and kindly with 2 suicide attempts so I imagine my approach to this (rather less worrying) situation would be similar: listen as much as I can, reassure as much as I can, and remember this is not really about me.

SnowyAlps · 23/08/2018 14:23

JasmineByTheSea Thank you. It wasn’t easy, and there were many nights when both me and dp were writing essays with a baby who wouldn’t settle, and I would think that it would be so much easier to throw in the towel.
But being realistic, attending uni a few days a week and writing essays around it- was probably less time consuming than working 37.5 hours a week!
Having a baby doesn’t have to be the end of everything. In fact for me I think it gave me more drive. Because I wasn’t doing it for just for me. I was doing it for this tiny human who I loved with every ounch of my body (and still do of course!!).

HildaZelda · 23/08/2018 14:26

I would be upset (more for her than anything else because 15 is so young) but I would absolutely support her. When I was around 15 a girl a year ahead of me in school had a baby and my mother told be in no uncertain terms that if I ever 'brought such a disgrace' on the family, I would be thrown out and 'could look after it' myself.
I couldn't imagine doing that to a scared 15 year old.

funinthesun18 · 23/08/2018 14:34

Which is more life changing Blair, having an abortion or having a baby at 15?

That all depends on the individual. I’m guessing you think having a baby will be more life changing, but you can’t speak for every 15 year old girl.

Just don’t underestimate how life changing an abortion can be.

funinthesun18 · 23/08/2018 14:39

Easy to organise a quickie abortion

A “quickie Abortion”? If the 15 year old was 25/35/45 it wouldn’t be referred to like that. Why is it being minimised for a 15 year old who may well be suffering emotionally from it?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 23/08/2018 14:41

" Easy to organise a quickie abortion. "

tell you what, sit with your daughter while she is having a medical termination and then come back and tell me how 'easy' it is.
Idiot.

grace7 · 23/08/2018 14:51

@FromNowOn

I never said that it is never challenging and difficult - but no, I don't see why being a younger mother is so frowned upon. I love motherhood, I wouldn't change anything about it and I don't find it any more difficult than older mums. of course every situation involving pregnancy is different, but these differences appear with older mothers too.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2018 14:52

I don't have a daughter, but if I did and she came home at 15 and told me she was pregnant and keeping it then I'd be shocked to start with but would sit with her and discuss options.
If she couldn't have a termination for medical reasons then we'd have to find a way forward - but I'm not sure what sort of medical/health condition would preclude an abortion, that would be perfectly safe for a pregnancy to full term, which might at some point entail a caesarean!

So - at 15 my main aim would be to support her to complete her education. If she decided to go through with the pregnancy, then helping her with the practicalities of that would be important, and then helping her with her studies. I can't imagine the need to punish her in any way - what's done is done and now the consequences just have to be dealt with in the best way possible.

I'd still be hand-wringing about it in private though.

Annalogy · 23/08/2018 14:53

I won't lie, inside I think I'd be a bit disappointed. Your teens are the time for being care-free, not having responsibilities and for making mistakes.

On the outside, though, I'd give her a hug and say it'll be alright. I'd just also be prepared to play a big role in the baby's life, much more than the average grandmother I suppose!

As others have said, babies are a blessing, but they're also very hard work Smile

Give her support and I'm sure she'll be a great mother. Also make sure that she continues her education.

I was pregnant at 18. I told my Dad and he gave me a huge hug and said that we're in it together. I was terrified. A few days later, I miscarried. Who knows what would've happened if I hadn't miscarried, but I knew that I had his support.

Tiredperson · 23/08/2018 14:54

I guess that no matter how much we’d want to support our children, getting pregnant before they have become independent is not good or a responsible thing to do.

It can be done, but we’d all want our kids to learn how to look after themselves, to move out, forge their own lives, to learn about themselves, for a good few years before they bring up a child of their own.

If they get pregnant before their independence, then grandparents are taking at least some of that responsibility, and the child is being born essentially to someone who still is a child.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 23/08/2018 15:02

Just don’t underestimate how life changing an abortion can be.

I'm not, but at the same time it's worth remembering that a baby is a life changing event for 100% of mums and most of their families, especially at this age, whereas a termination won't be an event of such magnitude for all.

It must be a voluntary and informed decision though.

speakout · 23/08/2018 15:07

ChardonnaysPrettySister

Exactly.
Abortion may be "life changing" for some, not for others.
Having a baby will always be life changing.

I had an abortion at 18, I have not regretted it for a second, it was absolutely the right thing to do.
Looking back many years later I am still glad I made that decision.

For me an abortion was not " life changing" and did not lead to lifelong sadness and regret.

And I suspect I am not alone.

diddl · 23/08/2018 15:25

"But being realistic, attending uni a few days a week and writing essays around it- was probably less time consuming than working 37.5 hours a week!"

So you worked on other days to support yourselves?

RainbowGlitterFairy · 23/08/2018 15:26

Tell her it will be alright and push for her to finish school, but let her make her own decisions, I would make sure she knew I was there if she needed me but that I was't going to take over.

I had DS at 15, to the rest of the world it looked like my parents were very supportive but actually they took over and it damaged our bonding because nothing I did was the way they would have done it, down to I can remember being screamed at for buying my baby the wrong brand of nappies (before he was born, so not even like I'd bought ones he was sensitive to, I'd bought pampers because they were on offer, mum always used huggies for us) and we had a screaming row in the doctors because mum is an anti-vaxxer and I'd taken DS for his jabs, they very much acted like DS was theirs not mine.

DS is doing brilliantly at school, he's doing GCSE's, plays for a local football team, doing his DofE, does some voluntary work, is generally pretty damn awesome.

I had to adjust my plans obviously, and because I fell out with my parents have had to earn and pay for everything myself since leaving school so I am a few years behind where I planned to be but I finished school, went to college and then did my degree through the OU (self funded so no student debt), I'm 30 now, I am doing my masters and I work with children with SN. I'm married (not to DS' father) and have another child, a dog, some cats, a house, pretty much as I had planned my life as a teen (except bills and children are bloody expensive so there are a lot less pretty clothes and nice meals out than I'd imagined lol)

Jenasaurus · 23/08/2018 15:33

when my youngest hit 20 (now 23) my eldest son (now 28) said "how does it feel to make it this far without any of your children having a teen pregnancy?" It was a weird thing for him to say but the town I live in has a high percentage of young teen (some school age mums) and I think his question held some relevance. I thought about it and said, "to be honest, I dont know how I would feel if any of them had had to curtail their younger year activities to become a parent, I would like to think I would be supportive like I was to my friends DD who confided in me at the age of 18 (just on her way to Uni) that she was pregnant. I was in the difficult position of knowing her parent (who I was dating) would have loved and supported her having a child in fact they had a similar experience at Uni themselves but hadn't shared this information with their children. He was a very religious man and she felt he would be really upset and cross about it. Unfortunately she asked me not to tell her father so I basically just asked her how she felt about it and listened to what she wanted to do, and then supported her through it. She chose to have an abortion, I am still left with the guilt of not telling her father, she wasnt 15 but she was a young 18, that wanted to do so much before she entertained the idea of a family. I hope I would support my own children the same way had it happened to them.

MeyMary · 23/08/2018 15:34

but no, I don't see why being a younger mother is so frowned upon

A 15 yo is still a child. Unable to (at least legally) take responsibility for their own life and now trying to take it for an other life as well.

Being a parent is difficult. The teen mother is likely to find it more difficult due to several reasons. Lack of funds, lack of education, she may not have a partner who is committed to rising the child, a lack of life experience. The fact that she probably didn't want to get pregnant/be a mother and didn't even have the option to consider an abortion (according to the OP).

But it's not just about the struggles of parenthood/being a young mother. It's also about what most of us seem to want for our children... Getting an education, having the opportunity to have a very demanding career, seeing the world, being a teenager...

Some of these things may be mitigated / worked around with parental support. And if the mother is a responsible and mature teen. But many can't.

And some parents will be unable to help. They themselves may work full-time, struggle to pay the bills etc. Which means that the young mother may be dependent on benefits.
That's not my personal issue with teen mothers but may be a contributing factor to the public perception of these mothers.