To ask how you would react if your 15 year old was pregnant

[IhaveNCdforthispost]

And was unable to terminate. I am interested in how you would react to this.

is a bundle of uncertainties, and what she wants one day isn't what she wants the next.

And you do realise abortions are permanent, right? She can’t just get the baby back if she realises ultimately it wasn’t the right decision. How would you handle that if it suddenly started to really affect her emotionally? Tell her to pull her socks up and get on with it?

I would be furious but I would try not to show it. If she asked my opinion I would tell her I think she should terminate it. I would really try to support whatever she wanted to do though.

I'm with you Sleepless

Obviously if she was absolutely determined to have the baby I would have to support her the best I could but as the adult in the situation with the knowledge of how life changing becoming a parent is it would be irresponsible not to spell out to her the impact that going ahead with the pregnancy would have and reassure her that having an abortion doesn't need to be a traumatic event

Jesus there are some sinister people on here among the the supportive majority who actually accept that their DDs aren't just merely an extension of themselves!
If my DD chose to have an abortion, I would respect that and support her wholeheartedly, with sadness. I couldn't imagine actually encouraging her to abort my own grandchild, much less tell her it was her 'only option'. If my mother had tried that with me, it would've changed my relationship with her forever.

I'm shocked that in this day and age any parent would force their 15yo into having a termination. Even if it's what you deem best all round, as the parent, it's not your decision.

I was accused up thread of wanting to get a scan done so I could show my DD the pictures in order to influence her to keep the baby. That was absolutely not the case. It would not be my decision. The mention of the scan was purely for medical reasons.

In the event it happened I would be supportive of EITHER choice she made. I would t be happy with either. A baby at 15 or a termination at 15? Neither is a good option and both hold long term ramifications (although the impact of a child would be more) but it wouldn't be my choice.

I don't think that fails me as a mother. Her body, her choice. That stands even at 15. I could feel nothing but hatred for the person who forced me to terminate a pregnancy.

BlancheM exactly.

My 15 year old is a fabulous human being. But she'd be the first to admit that she can't take sole responsibility for major life decisions. Good Lord, she can't even decide which top she wants from Primark. She needs loving guidance. (Tho not on the top situation. She's on her own with that.)

*wouldnt be happy with either

Having a disabled child isn’t an excuse for it.

It is when the carer cannot take on any more caring responsibilities. You can't get blood out of a stone, if someone is already a carer to a child with severe disabilities he/she may not have the capacity to take on a newborn baby. That's just a fact, there might not be enough hours in the day. And if the mother is a child herself, how does that work? Is there a way to magic up a carer? That would solve a lot of society's ills if that is so.

What if you're on UC and have 2 children. The 15-year-old can't claim for her child in her own right and you can't, either, with a 2-child limit. How do you magic up money for an extra person to feed, cloth, etc?

Really - do people generally feel so helpless and unable to influence what their teenagers do?

I don’t feel I have the right. I see my role to supply her with all the relevant information and then support her through what she decides. Absolutely an abortion would be presented as an option but only an option, not the preferred one.

Don't worry, meadow I took your comment as you intended it and I'm sure most did. You meant to date the pregnancy, which would be entirely practical in the context of OP saying termination wasn't an option.

Left so you suggest an abortion for financial reasons? How depressing.

People manage. How did people manage before? Children are born in circumstances that aren’t perfect, you pull together and you get through it.

Plus it doesn’t have to be expensive, having a baby. Mine wasn’t.

She can’t just get the baby back if she realises ultimately it wasn’t the right decision.

Equally, she can't give it back if she regrets going ahead. You take a decision, you own it, you live with it. Either way. That's grown-up life.

A lot of people didn't manage. They were not able to pull together and get through it. A lot didn't and still don't and the children suffer as a result. And it's not just money, it's time. What if you are a lone parent with other children, working FT, have a disability or mental health condition yourself, have a child with such, and you do not have to ability to supply support to a newborn? Babies aren't expensive? Tell that to anyone who's had to pay for childcare.

There is no way on this Earth our family could afford another baby. A lot can't. It's not about a rosy view that it will all work, it's something that's totally unmanageable. The time and money simply are not there and there is no way to get them.

I'm currently pregnant (2nd trimester) with a boy. Seeing as I have a reduced work pensum due to health reasons... Well, let's just say I have too much time / had the time to think quite a lot about this question.

How I would like to react:

I think I'd try to be truly neutral as long as I felt like my DD could live with the options/see them through.
Talk about the imo possible consequences for each option and probably book her a counselling session ASAP. I believe that this would have to be her choice and a choice she could also live with (from an emotional but also a realistic point of view)!
And not informing her of her choices / not making it clear that every woman has a choice (should have a choice) would be coercive as well.

But I would also try to be honest. Could we (DH and I) support her? Would we have the finances? The time?

This imaginary DD might have a sibling with special needs
Or one of her parents (DH or I) could have had an accident or an illness related disability.

I feel like I would try to be supportive (yes, of all options).

But I also feel like this baby could and should not trump the welfare of other family members (which includes myself, btw). Especially not in the case of this DD having siblings...

If DD wanted to keep the child, she'd need to be the mother. Do late night feeds, sacrifice things like going out, having time consuming hobbies etc... I would be supportive (how supportive would depend on the circumstances) but that child would be her responsibility.
And she would also need to be able to come up with a plan in regards to education, her finances, the father etc. Not that I wouldn't support her in this process but she'd have to show willingness and maturity.

I truly don't know what I'd do if I felt like DD simply couldn't handle that responsibility or wasn't willing to shoulder it. Certainly not force an abortion but it would make this situation much more difficult and immensely complicated.

I would be worried and very upset. I would probably feel guilty and wonder if my own life choices rubbed off on her. My children have seen me having to get back into education in my 30s and know full well how hard I am working to build a career so I can have decent earning potential. I really hope they learn from me and don't become young parents.

She would have my support, up to an extent. She would have emotional support and I would help out as much as I can but I wouldn't put my life on hold. I have am only now getting more freedom and concentrating on my career. If she is continuing with her pregnancy then she will be the one responsible for caring for it. I will not be doing child care whist she goes back to education.

If she wasn't too far a long for a termination I would certainly encourage one.

That is how I think I would react anyway.

I'd do my best to support her.
If it were my choice I'd choose a termination,but if she chose to go through with the pregnancy I'd be delighted to have a grandchild.

Or if DH and I simply couldn't support her (no additional resources)...

One of my cousins had a baby at 16. Now statistically, younger mothers have a higher risk of premature birth. She fell into that category and her son was very ill for several years. Luckily her now husband's mother was able to help her with childcare otherwise she would have had to drop out of school. Her mother was a lone parent who worked FT, had 2 other children to support and also looked after her elderly parents (they all lived together in one house). That's the reality for a lot of people, something has to give.

Left
Childcare is. A baby isn’t. She has a home, and no bills. She can look after the baby until it’s school age

Why do you assume the parent will have to look after the teens child? Teens are capable of feeding a baby.

I would never abort a child for money. Ever.

I’m with Sleepless !!!! essentially a 15year old wouldn’t raise the baby, I would- that alone would ruin our relationship, ruin my daughters childhood, abolish her young adult life...hell no!

@BlairWaldorfsHeadband good for you. But by your reasoning why stop at 15? Why shouldn't kids have kids at 12 too? Younger if they're physically able?
The main difference is an older person stands a good chance of supporting a child themselves. A 15 year old cannot and will rely heavily on their own parents for at least the first few years. The question was - how would you react? And of course the parents have a right to voice their opinion on a decision which has such an overwhelming impact on them! Depressing it may be to you, but kids do cost a fortune and if I could have afforded the financial responsibility of another child I'd have had one myself.
By the way, if DD really refused or couldn't medically terminate then I'd have to crack on and support, but your outrage at trying to encourage the alternative is ridiculous.

Exactly, U2.

Shirley I wouldn’t try to force or encourage a termination at any age, because it’s not my body or my decision. I am outraged, because no one should be forced into an abortion.

But a teen mother will need childcare if she's going to continue her education. Or do you think that shouldn't happen? The only way I'd think motherhood at 15 wasn't a total unmitigated disaster would be if the teenager could stay at school/college.