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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you would react if your 15 year old was pregnant

471 replies

IhaveNCdforthispost · 23/08/2018 11:38

And was unable to terminate. I am interested in how you would react to this.

OP posts:
loopylass13 · 23/08/2018 18:30

I would prefer my 15 year old not to be pregnant, however what's done is done and my hope is that I would help in whatever way I could to support her. Due to the age, likely need additional support which I would give however I would prepare her that she couldn't just lump me with a kid. That it would be her responsibility too. I would encourage breastfeeding, gentle parenting and a university education.

My opinion would be pregnant with one - she is entitled to a mistake and support, but comes home at such a young age pregnant with ANOTHER I would not be the happiest of grandma's. A 2nd born I'd put a whole lot more work on her (and her partner's) shoulders. Would be different if she got her life sorted and had a 2nd when she was 25+ etc. I'd counsel no 3rd born as she does need a point in life where she gets to focus on herself too.

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 18:32

I am amazed at how laid back about the whole thing so many of you are. I have a 15 year old DD and I would absolutely support her every step of the way through a termination. It would be the only possible option.

No, I wouldn't leave her to decide for herself, by herself - that would be an absolute abdication of my parental responsibility. My 15 year old might think she wants to have a baby (she doesn't think this, that I know of!) - but at this point she also thinks all kinds of other crazy shit that I wouldn't entertain.

As the adult here, I know that having a child at 15 would be undesirable for her for a million different reasons. And I'd end up looking after both of them, wouldn't I?

Just no. Getting pregnant at 15 is a mistake, we all make mistakes - but no need to turn it into a lifelong mistake. My role here would be to help her think clearly and see it in undramatic terms. To access a termination, have it, and put it behind her.

Yes, I realise the OP said that termination isn't possible. In which case I'd swear mightily. But in general terms, this is my view.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 23/08/2018 18:35

No girl or woman should ever have an abortion to suit other people!

Of course not, but she has to consider how her decision will mean for her, and her family, especially if she will be dependent on them. 15 is a child with no means to support herself and the baby.

The decision has to be informed and voluntary.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 23/08/2018 18:38

Sleepless forcing a termination on her is an awful, abusive thing to do.

user838383 · 23/08/2018 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 18:43

I wouldn't force her. But would help her decide that having a baby at 15 was a really bad decision. It would impact on her father and me! She couldn't just decide to impose a child on us.

SuburbanRhonda · 23/08/2018 18:43

forcing a termination on her is an awful, abusive thing to do.

If the parents of the baby are able to raise it by themselves with no financial or lifestyle impact on the grandparents, of course they should be supported to go ahead with the pregnancy.

funinthesun18 · 23/08/2018 18:44

I just think the family should support her decision whatever it is, whether it affects them or not. If she doesn’t want an abortion then that’s that isn’t it. Nobody can physically force her to do it.

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 18:47

What other major life decisions should we allow 15 year olds to make? If she wanted to drop out of school - the answer would be no. If she wanted to move out and live with her mates somewhere - no. Heck, she wants her belly button pierced - she's not having that til she's over 16.

She still needs us and our guidance. Letting her decide to have a baby without me so much as raising my eyebrows would just be wrong.

LeftRightCentre · 23/08/2018 18:47

I just think the family should support her decision whatever it is, whether it affects them or not.

On Planet Reality, how does this work if both the parents have to work full-time, there are other children in the home and no space for another one, or perhaps a child with SN in the home on whom a baby will impact negatively, the parents are already stretched with work and perhaps other caring commitments? It's all well and good, but there's a serious financial concern here and systems like UC are not going be picking up the slack.

user838383 · 23/08/2018 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 23/08/2018 18:50

I wouldn't force her. But would help her decide that having a baby at 15 was a really bad decision. It would impact on her father and me! She couldn't just decide to impose a child on us.

What a selfish, controlling person you are.

Amber2018 · 23/08/2018 18:51

Be devastated but support them in whichever way I could. I'm the product of parents who fell pregnant at 14. My parents are still together 30 odd years later and have good jobs. I had a good happy childhood and no one stepped in and helped them, they were 15 when I was born and they were put out to live by themselves as soon as they were 16. I then had a child at 18. They supported me but didn't do it for me. I have a good job and a happy life. No different than my friends who waited until 30 to have kids, we are all in the same position

BakedBeans47 · 23/08/2018 18:56

Why can’t she terminate?

I don’t have any daughters but if I did I would support them whatever option they chose, but I have to admit that I’d encourage them to terminate. If they didn’t, then as I said, I’d be fully supportive

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 18:57

What a selfish, controlling person you are

Nope, I'm the mother of a child with severe disabilities (not the 15 year old), who I will have to care for forever. I have no capacity to care for a pregnant 15 year old or newborn. The 15 year old would thank me, I am certain.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 23/08/2018 19:00

Nope, I'm the mother of a child with severe disabilities (not the 15 year old), who I will have to care for forever. I have no capacity to care for a pregnant 15 year old or newborn. The 15 year old would thank me, I am certain.

My sons autistic. I would never force my other DC, or coerce them, into a decision they don’t want.

Having a disabled child isn’t an excuse for it.

funinthesun18 · 23/08/2018 19:01

Lots of people have babies in not very ideal circumstances though, where it would affect existing children for example or the parent isn’t working and has no income. Should all those people have abortions as well even if they don’t want to?

I’m not saying a 15 her old having a baby is wonderful and will be all unicorns and rainbows. But if she wants the baby then that’s that, nothing the parents can do to stop her (apart from blackmail her in to getting an abortion which would be extremely shitty)

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 19:03

I would never force my other DC, or coerce them, into a decision they don’t want

I think what I'm trying to say is that what she thinks she wants right now, might not be what she actually wants long term. Because she's 15.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 23/08/2018 19:05

I think what I'm trying to say is that what she thinks she wants right now, might not be what she actually wants long term. Because she's 15.

That’s the same for anyone, whatever age they are. Should we all havce abortions, just in case? Confused

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2018 19:07

You have to do the least worst option I think. Having a baby at 15 isn't ideal but forcing an abortion would be way more damaging.

shirleyschmidt · 23/08/2018 19:08

@SleeplessInSuffolk agree with you completely. At 15 DD would still legally be a child herself, so all the financial responsibility would inevitably fall to her father and I. Those who would let her take 100% of the decision while they bear the financial and practical burden may be very virtuous but have no right to judge someone who simply couldn't take that on.

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 19:09

if she wants the baby then that’s that, nothing the parents can do to stop her

Really - do people generally feel so helpless and unable to influence what their teenagers do? Ultimately yes, you're right - if she us really determined. But my own 15 year old - can't speak for anyone else's - is a bundle of uncertainties, and what she wants one day isn't what she wants the next. I'd be no sort of mother if I didn't step in to help her see the bigger picture.

Would be interested to hear if anyone had a termination as a teenager that they later regretted? Anyone wish they'd had a baby in their mid-teens?

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 23/08/2018 19:12

At 15, I was very strong willed and while I might not always have been right, would’ve been extremely annoyed if my parents had patronised me and attempted to manipulate me.

SleeplessInSuffolk · 23/08/2018 19:12

That’s the same for anyone, whatever age they are. Should we all have abortions, just in case?

I am way less capricious now than I was as a teenager. Much better at making decisions and understanding myself. Doesn't this happen to most people as they get older?

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 23/08/2018 19:14

I know people in their thirties who are immature assholes. Don’t know why people assume adults are automatically mature.