To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

@smoothsailing - you don’t need to prove anything to me. I’m not the one supporting you. As I said though, I don’t think you can just choose a role for yourself. Perhaps it would benefit your ds if his father was more involved?

Also you could still earn more as it’s obviously causing problems in your relationship. You say you have been doing low paid work you enjoy from before your ds was even born so that wouldn’t seem to be the cause.

secret why is her DHS vile behaviour not relevant Too many people worshipping at the altar of the Mighty Penis.

Apt name there harsh but hasn't RTFT.

juju the DH wont do it Try to read the thread a bit less selectively.

Because my understanding (unless I've missed something) is they're doing craft workshops in the library. They could have got other work but chose to so a few thinhs based on their hobby

Yes you've missed something. How breathtakingly patronising. Library assistants are an essential part of the library, which is vital in many communities. I am gobsmacked at the ignorance about what women actually earn and the attitude to "little jobs" on here. So many posters place so little value on the women who care for their children, see them safely across the road, provide activities in the school holidays, clean up after their elderly relatives, just a few examples of jobs paid at the same rate as the op's.

I can't believe some of you are taking no account at all of the fact that the OP's DS is suicidal to the extent that they have to make sure that he has no means to do it. This witch hunt is so distasteful. I have a DD who has a lot of issues, it's draining.

My DH would ideally like me to have a job myself, but it isn't something he berates me for, as it's not a possibility right now with all the hospital appointments and therapy about to start. (And my own PTSD.)

What he never worries about is having a better car to keep up with other people's lifestyles. He focuses only on doing what he can to find help for our DDs.

Your sense of entitlement is staggering, op. What on earth is wrong with someone wanting to enjoy luxuries like foreign holidays when they work hard?? Most parents accept that the years when the kids are young involve sacrifices due to childcare costs, but expect to be better off as the kids grow. Like a reasonable person would, he assumed that you were at home to rear the kids and would go back to a proper job so you can enjoy little luxuries like not having to worry about buying a pret sandwich and being able to take the kids on more exotic holiday.

You seem like you feel you have no obligation to contribute, and that the full burden belongs to him

Exactly this. It’s astounding that women still think it’s the mans job to provide a decent life for them while they sit back and clean the house and do school drop offs.
I don’t have to work at all I chose to because we want all of the finer things in life such as 5 holidays per year, expensive cars and all of our children to be privately educated and I could go on. My husband alone can provide all of that but I don’t want him to I want to contribute and have my own sense of self worth. I wouldn’t dream of being the little woman at home while my husband works himself into such a panic he has to wake me up at 3am as he is stressed because of money.

Posted too soon. The OP's DH is breathtakingly selfish to be worrying about keeping up with his colleagues' lifestyles and have expensive cars and holidays when his DS is in real danger of suicide???

YY okhon There was a thread on here a while back about how raising the minimum wage was a bad idea I suspect some of them who were against that are on this thread.

Imagine the moaning if they had to pay higher childcare fees or higher care home fees if the minimum wage went up. Thats why people like this are against it Utter hypocrisy. I really hope one of their childcarers suddenly quits if they get offered a better paid job. Im sure the ones castigating the OP on this thread wouldnt mind eh?

Helena no one is worshiping cock here but I see it from her husbands point of view as her sons mental health actually doesn’t stop her working. She works 20hours per week she just chooses to do an extremely low paid job as she enjoys it instead of her primary motivation being providing for her family.

Also she hasn’t mentioned her sex life or mismatched sex drives so why is that now being brought up? It has no relevance to her original post.

It really isn’t that easy to walk into a well paid job. I enjoy library work and I hope to progress up within this sector but jobs are scarce. I have never said I will be part time forever!

In that case my advice would be to encourage you to do a distance learning course to get yourself qualified as a librarian - Aber, Sheffield and Robert Gordon certainly offer them, as might other universities. And get out of the public sector because jobs for qualified librarians there are like hen's teeth. You'd find more jobs, although still not well-paid, in the academic/education sectors, and better paid ones in the law and private sectors.

FWIW, I am an academic librarian and run a medium-sized library. There aren't fabulous riches to be had but I have reached the heady heights of £45K a year which provides us with a fairly comfortable lifestyle.

Stressed about 58k? Give me strength. The op has a lot bigger fish to fry at home. I also have experience of a child with mh issues. Apparently, it's rife at secondary school and it's alot harder than working ft

Library assistants are an essential part of the library, which is vital in many communities.
I know that.
But from what I read when scanning it wasn't that the OP was working doing crafty things some of which is in a library.

Too many people worshipping at the altar of the Mighty Penis.
It's not worshipping men.

It's saying that however a couple choose to run their home is up to them but there has to agreement from BOTH sides and when there isn't that agreement then resentment can build.

"we want all of the finer things in life such as 5 holidays per year, expensive cars and all of our children to be privately educated and I could go on."

How much do you pay your childcarer

I don’t have to work at all I chose to because we want all of the finer things in life such as 5 holidays per year, expensive cars and all of our children to be privately educated and I could go on. My husband alone can provide all of that but I don’t want him to I want to contribute and have my own sense of self worth. I wouldn’t dream of being the little woman at home while my husband works himself into such a panic he has to wake me up at 3am as he is stressed because of money.

Is this ostentatious boasting necessary to the thread

It’s funny how she now can’t earn because her ds has mh problems. Whereas earlier on the thread she was just working part time in a job she enjoyed because she wanted to. And had been doing this from before her son was born. I smell a rat!

"Also she hasn’t mentioned her sex life or mismatched sex drives so why is that now being brought up? It has no relevance to her original post."

Mismatched sex drives is it?

You'd find more jobs, although still not well-paid, in the academic/education sectors, and better paid ones in the law and private sectors.

Just to clairify, a qualified librarian working for me would earn in the region of £22-£30K depending on experience. I only have qualified librarians on my staff.

This thread has just become a platform for as much boasting as possible, I would get it deleted OP

I think we've found a new definition of insanity. How can we make this any clearer - I mean the OP has been clear but ...

She does a job she likes, that doesn't mean its a stupid job, a worthless job, or a crap job. I like my job, its 21 hours a week, its in a charity - therefore must I resign?

For the selective readers amongst you The poster called Sarah found this on AS.

Sarahandduck18 Thu 23-Aug-18 05:17:40

"DH and I have struggled with incompatible sex drives almost all our relationship, 20 plus years. As much as I love him and our wonderful DC, if I could go back I would not have stayed with him as this has overshadowed our whole relationship. I have always had a lower sex drive than him, but this became much more of an issue after having the DC. To cut an extremely long story short, my DH is much like yours in that his need for sex dictates his attitude towards me. Also, it depends on his perception of the quality of the sex we’ve had. E.g. day one, we have enjoyable sex. Day 2, he’s sweet and relaxed with me, nice to be around. Doesn’t usually mention having sex again that night. Day 3, may start asking about having sex that night, but can usually accept a no. Day 4 plus, starts becoming agitated and on edge, mentioning it more through the evening and getting annoyed if I don’t seem responsive enough to his advances. Any longer than this and the snide comments and cold shoulder start, usually culminating in an argument at some point. All of which makes me feel less like sex! Some years ago it got so bad I ended up with vaginismus, where I was unable to physically have sex due to the stress of worrying about it. Had to have many embrassing hospital visits before it eventually got better. Only advice I can really offer that partly worked for us is to suggest that although it sounds a bit mechanical, set ‘sex dates’ , maybe those days where you are not at work and know you will feel a bit more lively. If he has the security or knowing he’s going to get some on x night, it might relieve the constant build up, come down cycle he’s got into. I found this worked for me too as if I really didn’t feel like it, I could say, let’s look forward to Tuesday, or whatever day, and to some extent it alleviated his moods."

She mentioned the issues earlier in the thread, I can understand her not wanting to say how bad they were, it must be heartbreaking.

I picked it up straightaway probably because I have a DD with serious issues.

but there has to agreement from BOTH sides and when there isn't that agreement then resentment can build

But how can the OP possibly agree to all her husband feels he should have?

He wants to not have to budget, pretty much, at all. He already spends a lot of time and money on an expensive hobby. He wants flashy cars and holidays. He wants her to be sexually available for him at any time. He wants her to do all the housework and childcare.

What woman would agree to that?

So she works part time and enjoys her job. What a cow...(not)

What is his hobby OP?

I think we've found a new definition of insanity. How can we make this any clearer - I mean the OP has been clear but ...

She does a job she likes, that doesn't mean its a stupid job, a worthless job, or a crap job. I like my job, its 21 hours a week, its in a charity - therefore must I resign?

If your husband is stressed about money because you earn 16% of what he does then yes you should resign.