To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

She does a job she likes, that doesn't mean its a stupid job, a worthless job, or a crap job. I like my job, its 21 hours a week, its in a charity - therefore must I resign?
Of course not.

But if your partner was expressing that they were stressed about finances and you decided point blank that you didn't want to be looking at a higher paid job because it doesn't bother you and he should get over it then you would be a tad unreasonable.

What is his hobby OP?

She can't say, it would be outing.

"If your husband is stressed about money because you earn 16% of what he does then yes you should resign."

Be careful what you wish for. Your childminders DH might feel the same.

I dream of having his 'financial worries'. We earn 3/4 of what he does and pay the bills fine. What on earth is he doing with his money?

RingtheBells - it isn’t ‘ostentatious’ the OP said the DH wants a better lifestyle and the aspirational things that come with that but it can’t all be down to him she needs to step up as I do.

I thought the op said she was hiding the thread

The history of sexual coercion is being raised firstly in response to suggestions that he might happily go 50/50 with the house and kids when she starts working. This is a man with a history of entitled behaviour and a tendency not to give a fuck about what's best for his wife to a horrible extent. It's also being mentioned by many of us as a reason why OP should strongly consider trying to earn more so she's less at the mercy of someone who mistreated her into vaginismus. It's extremely relevant.

If your husband is stressed about money because you earn 16% of what he does then yes you should resign

Ffs try joining the real world. He's not stressed about money. Stress about money is finding money to pay the mortgage, put food on the table, pay for children school uniform. They are clearly very comfortably off. If your DH decided he wanted an extra twenty grand a year for hobbies and more foreign holidays would you consider it your responsibility to come up with the money so he isn't "stressed"?! Stop infantilising men.

youokhon - if they are comfortably well off then it is down to the DH and not the OP. How do you know they are comfortably well off? Because apparently 50k per year is such an amazing salary it is if you’re single not when raising children and paying school fees, mortgages, household expenses etc.

Ffs try joining the real world. He's not stressed about money. Stress about money is finding money to pay the mortgage, put food on the table, pay for children school uniform. They are clearly very comfortably off. If your DH decided he wanted an extra twenty grand a year for hobbies and more foreign holidays would you consider it your responsibility to come up with the money so he isn't "stressed"?! Stop infantilising men.

With all due respect, you don't get to decide what other people feel stressed about

School fees? What's wrong with state schools?

OPs DH has a case of "my diamond shoes are too tight"

youokhon - if they are comfortably well off then it is down to the DH and not the OP

Yes of course her contribution has had absolutely zero influence on his ability to earn £58k

First of all, OP - in the time I have been on MN I can think of dozens of selfish, unthinking people who have barely been given a suntan compared to the flaming that you have received on this thread. Not nice to read.

No one can turn back time. Many of the suggestions on this thread are completely unrealistic given the OPs qualifications and experience:

Teaching - she never taught beyond her PGCE, so does not have QTS as far as I can tell.
Tutoring - unlikely, as she doesn't have teaching experience and people mostly want Maths and English
Full time in her present role - roles like the OP's are often part time because there is no money for a full time post. She cannot snap her fingers and ask to go back FT as that role does not exist.

Admin post - her and 1000s of others! The job market is tough and
employers often seem to want someone who has been doing precisely the same role before, rather than using their imagination to see how someone who is a library/arts-coordinator might have the transferable skills to become an office administrator.

I open my local paper and rarely see a job advertised that pays more than about 20K FT - this is in the London commuter belt.

But this is not to have a dig at the OP - she is articulate, in-work and in a person-facing role. She is a valuable member of society with her own particular skillset. I bet that most parents on here have enjoyed an arts-based activity with their DC at some point.

It might be that they decide as a family that they need to increase their income, but that should be decided as a dialogue, not a midnight rant. Not great for the DH to suddenly make it all her fault, at the same time as their DS is also in a MH crisis.

Yes of course her contribution has had absolutely zero influence on his ability to earn £58k

Hmm. Both my husband and I earn more than that without the benefit of a Part Time Sahm. How do we manage it?

You probably pay other women shit wages to clean your house and look after your kids.

I think it is wrong the way OP has been treated here. It would be different if they were struggling, but they are not. And the DH knew her qualifications etc when they married, it was his choice. If he wanted to marry someone high earning and that was his priority he should have done so then.

"You probably pay other women shit wages to clean your house and look after your kids"

Awww dont be so rough on choli Im sure she will be fine with them quitting for a better paid job once THEIR DHs have voiced their displeasure because im sure she isnt a hypocrite

the DH knew her qualifications etc when they married, it was his choice. If he wanted to marry someone high earning and that was his priority he should have done so then.

^this

When one person earns significantly less and then DCs come along it often makes more financial sense for the lower earner to take a career break. A low-wage full-time job often doesn’t pay for full-time child care. In this instance the childcare was provided ‘free’ by grandparents - would they have been willing to do this for 40 hours a week?

It’s not always that easy for a woman who has spent years in part-time low skilled work (often in the public sector) to just pick up a high-flying high-paying job. Is DH really then going to pick up all the slack around the home? Is he going to cook half the meals and do half the housework when he’s used to doing none because the OP has now picked up a full-time job earning £20K a year which still won’t be enough for him? I doubt it.

There are some nasty fuckers on this thread. I have rarely seen so many vile posts - it’s unusually nasty even for MN.

I assume the OP's family are not strapped for cash as the DH appears to want extra money for more expensive iPhones, more expensive holidays, a better model car and more money to spend on his expensive hobby. It is not to put food on the table or pay the mortgage.

If we had a teen who had MH issues and suicidal thoughts the last thing I would be thinking is that we need more money for a top of the range car. And I would hope my DH would be on the same page. In that situation I would have thought OP keeping the job she has is the best thing at the moment. She enjoys it and it isn't stressful, so she can put her energies into looking after and supporting her DC. Yes her job isn't that well paid, but I am sure a lot of families would appreciate £8k contribution to the family income and likewise many families would like a salary of £50k (although most of those families don't appear to be on this thread)

The last thing I would be wanting to do, if I had a suicidal teen, would be trying to find a new job and taking on the additional stress which that would entail, certainly in the short term.

For those of you where both partners work in highly paid, highly stressed and probably long hours jobs, to pay for the 4 holidays a year, the fancy cars and the private school fees, what would you do if you had a suicidal teen? Throw money at the problem or cut hours/pay and reduce some of your extravagances so you could be there for your child?

I'm impressed at how gracious the OP has remained despite the vitriol directed at her. Another OP might have got angry in reply and flounced off. I think it must be a bit galling for all the bitchy posters looking for a bunfight.

The one thing that really concerns me is the lack of concern the DH has about his DS being suicidal. That should be his focus, not on being able to flash his money around.

But why allow the truth to get in the way of a good AIBU bunfight??

For those of you where both partners work in highly paid, highly stressed and probably long hours jobs, to pay for the 4 holidays a year, the fancy cars and the private school fees, what would you do if you had a suicidal teen? Throw money at the problem or cut hours/pay and reduce some of your extravagances so you could be there for your child?

I can answer that one. I was the suicidal one. I had to give up my well-paid job due to disability that I’d been struggling to cope with in work for 7 years. I’d gradually had to reduce my hours and then had to stop work altogether.

We went from two well-paid jobs to one almost overnight. We were never going to be destitute - it was the luxuries that had to go. Luckily, I’m not married to a complete cnt, and he never made me* feel bad about the situation. He was worried about money, but never made me feel like it was my fault.

This thread really speaks to me of the need some women have to vindicate their own choice to work full time when they have children

I couldn't have put it better, it's staggering and opened my eyes to how some working parents feel about raising their own kids.

Hmm. Both my husband and I earn more than that without the benefit of a Part Time Sahm. How do we manage it?

More interestingly, why do you imagine that to be relevant? It isn't as though anyone has suggested that nobody can possibly do it without a part time working spouse.

I disagree. It’s not about vindicating a choice because why should we have to? Some of us see raising our children as a shared responsibility. We choose to partner some who shares parenting, earning and domestic responsibilities. Other couples may choose to carve things up differently and that’s fine so long as both partners are comfortable with that.

The overiding theme of this thread is that the OP is in a very unhappy relationship and is extremely vulnerable and is not doing anything to strengthen her position.