To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

@sloweun. If they don’t want you to be financially dependent they tend to leave. What you are talking about is perhaps interdependence.

It’s not really a role to decide not to work unilaterally when the person who pays the bills doesn’t want her to. I am criticizing her for thinking that it doesn’t matter what he thinks. I think this “role” may be coming to an end in any event.

Dya know what? I'm gonna go completely against the majority here and say YANBU.

I've been in the position your husband wants you to be in. I did a degree in Music. I was an opera singer and I always wanted to be one. I loved music. It was and still is my air. Without it, I feel stifled and depressed... it's very important to my mental health and my sense of self.

Your husband knew this about you before you got married. He knew you were in the arts. He knew you were most likely not going to get paid as much as him. He knew this!

My ex convinced me to do a PGCE because my music wouldn't have been a stable career. I was very good. I got the vocal scholarship from Cardiff Uni but like most artsy types I still doubted my ability- and he played on this. I sacrificed my hopes and dreams. And he later admitted that he didn't actually want me to do well in my career because he didn't want me to leave him. Even when I was teaching and bringing home £23k, he would still berate me for not earning as much as him. I paid half on everything and he still belittled me.

In the end, I resented the bastard, spent my money frivolously because it was the only thing that made me happy, put on 30lbs in weight and despised my job in every single way.

I wholeheartedly agree you need to come to some compromise and listen to his genuine concerns. But do NOT enter into a shitty job just because you need to earn more.
If you are comfortable, if you have food, electricity, water, gas then you are fine.
Maybe find another part time job, but do NOT give up your current one if you enjoy it.

Re feminism, it’s not about women insisting to carry on doing domestic chores so they don’t need to do paid work!

Neither is it about a woman having to do all the domestic chores, childcare whilst providing an equal financial contribution.

A large part of feminism is women having equality. Which would involve OP's contribution to her family's life being truly recognised and appreciated. She needs to be appreciated as a person in her own right and not just treated like a resource to be utilised for her salary, domestic services, sex and childcare.

I don't understand why people keep referring to the OP's job as a Library Assistant as a "hobby job"
She has a paid, part time role like many other people. Who decides what constitutes a "hobby job"? Is every job you consider to be low paid or that's part time a "hobby job" and not a real job then?
Or is it because OP has said she quite likes her role, does that make it a "hobby job"? Maybe it's only a "proper" job if you're a martyr doing something you hate, 40+ hours a week for a high salary.
How desperately fucking sad.

I didn’t read anywhere about sexual coercion leading to vagismus. Did op post that on this thread?

Anyway the debate is about whether or not you can expect not to work and have someone else to support you. If you can insist on being a sahp against the other parents wishes.

Because my understanding (unless I've missed something) is they're doing craft workshops in the library. They could have got other work but chose to so a few thinhs based on their hobby.

Anyway the debate is about whether or not you can expect not to work and have someone else to support you. If you can insist on being a sahp against the other parents wishes.

No it isn't. The debate is about the OP's situation, in the context of her family.

The debate can work both ways. Can you force someone with dependents.to work if they feel they're really needed at home?

@slowrun. No one. Absolutely no one is saying she should do all the domestic work and paid work. But she can’t insist on not contributing financially because she is a woman. That’s not feminism.

I didn’t read anywhere about sexual coercion leading to vagismus. Did op post that on this thread?

If you're not up to speed on the op's posting history maybe you shouldn't have brought it up? I hope you are not raising girls with your vile mysoginistic views

But she can’t insist on not contributing financially because she is a woman. That’s not feminism

She is contributing financially

No someone else posted it after doing an AS

It didnt stop the smug fest though.

Gandalf - yes. If she was on benefits she would be forced to work more. You don’t just get to decide that someone else should pay for you! It’s what she wants not what her dh wants. And he has a say.

But she can’t insist on not contributing financially because she is a woman

She isn't. She is insisting on working part time because her husband is not supportive he does not do any childcare or domestic chores and she needs support her child as they have been suicidal.

She's a library assistant. That isn't based on her hobby. It's a regular 20 hour (ie more than half time) job.

So would a nursery assistant be a hobby job if you loved children and were playing and doing craft stuff with them, it sounds a similar thing.

The OPs previous posts regarding her sex life or lack of one isn’t relevant here. She asked AIBU to work full time to fund my DH’s preferred Lifestyle while I work 20hours per week for 8k while he earns 50k - yes she is being unreasonable.

I see she dropped in about her sons mental health which is of course a game changer as there would need to be adjustments put in place however she is still working 20HRs per week at the moment she just chooses to work for 8K per year as she enjoys it. Unfortunately her DH doesn’t enjoy being the main earner so she needs to reassess this. So yes she is massively unreasonable. Plenty of 20HR jobs pay considerably more than 8K she needs to consider her whole family’s needs not just her own.

@zsazsajuju

Is this enough for you? My nice fat file of DS’s appointments. Sorry not to bring up my child MH issues straight away, it’s just a bit raw.

Lol at vile misogynistic views! I would never raise my dcs to think they can just choose not to work and force someone else to support them. What would we say if op was a man?

I suppose my PT admin job must be a hobby job as I quite enjoy it and its low paid and pt, both the evils.

Because my understanding (unless I've missed something) is they're doing craft workshops in the library. They could have got other work but chose to so a few thinhs based on their hobby.

On that particular day OP was scheduled to do a craft workshop with children. That doesn't mean that's the only thing Library Assistants do

Your sense of entitlement is staggering, op. What on earth is wrong with someone wanting to enjoy luxuries like foreign holidays when they work hard?? Most parents accept that the years when the kids are young involve sacrifices due to childcare costs, but expect to be better off as the kids grow. Like a reasonable person would, he assumed that you were at home to rear the kids and would go back to a proper job so you can enjoy little luxuries like not having to worry about buying a pret sandwich and being able to take the kids on more exotic holiday.

You seem like you feel you have no obligation to contribute, and that the full burden belongs to him. If he leaves, you'll have no choice but to work. Stop faffing about with your lifestyle job and dreams of setting up some type of etsy"business" and start being a partner and a grown up instead of living a silly princess fantasy. You could go back to teaching, the government has a big "return to teaching" campaign as there is a teacher shortage. Or If you don't fancy that, then even jobs in supermarkets or cleaning would pay above min wage and would help you contribute. He doesn't want to support your ass, you've had a good innings of being supported as most mums only have 5 years or so, so get some pride and step up.

We'd say exactly the same if OP was a man with a child with serious mental health issues and who did every stroke of work in the household. Why wouldn't we?

would never raise my dcs to think they can just choose not to work and force someone else to support them

When your dc expresses suicidal ideation will you tell them it's more important you work full time than support them? Is that your idea of feminism?

I think some of you need to step back from the witch hunt.