To work full time to fund DHs preferred lifestyle?

[Smoothsailing9]

Bit of background first. My DH has a professional job which he trained for at university and has done ever since (20 years). He earns approx £50,000 a year. I went to university but did an arts degree, then trained as a teacher but didn’t enjoy it. Worked in various fairly low paid arts related jobs until I had DCs and took several years out. Returned to work part time when youngest was 3. My mum has always willingly provided free childcare/ after school supervision. I now have a 20 hours per week job I really enjoy but is very low paid compared to DH, I bring home around £8,000 a year.

A few days ago eldest DS was talking about a new phone he wants for Xmas. We discussed it and told him it was way too expensive. Obviously he moaned and sulked - he is 14. But DH used the opportunity to go on a massive rant about how little money he has, how he can’t afford a new car and foreign holiday every year etc and eventually, as I knew it would, it ended up being my fault for not bringing enough money in. This was in front of DCs. I was upset but left it.

Then about 3am that night DH wakes me up to say he’s really stressed about money. I said, I’m not discussing this in the middle of the night and went downstairs to make a cup of tea (I don’t sleep very well). He followed me and started a huge row about how “someone of your intelligence should be earning more” and “ if I’d married someone in my industry, I’d be fine”. Went on about how much more his friends earn, how I’ve got no savings or pension (although I actually have), how he wants me to get a full time job.

He brings all this up regularly but it’s really upset me this time. Although he’s a good dad, I do all the housework, paperwork, shopping and cooking and the ‘mental load’ stuff. I spend all my time not at work doing stuff for the house and family, whereas he just works, comes home and relaxes. If I worked full time his life would change massively. He might be able to buy a nicer car, but he’d need to take on half of the running of the house and I know he wouldn’t. I would certainly go back full time when the DCs can look after themselves more, but I just can’t see how I’d manage it now. Also, I am really low maintenance and really don’t cost him a lot. Don’t drink, no expensive hobbies, buy all my clothes off eBay. So AIBU not to look for a full time job?

Seems like this is a complicated one with a lot of issues - maybe couples counselling might be useful?
Nobody is "wrong" as such.

Couples counselling is not recommended when abuse is present.

@Momo27 but her overriding concern is her mentally ill son. This isn't really the time to be making changes. He needs his mum to put him first right now.

Yes but it’s unclear the extent to which her being at home while he’s in school is necessary because of his mental health needs. She’s already working 20 hours and says in her OP that she’s lucky her mum helps with picking up and care, so it’s possible she can increase her hours without it affecting her son at all.

The bigger issue is maximising her earning though. If 20 hours is all that’s manageable with her ds needs, far better to do 20 hours earning decent money rather than a pittance.

If her marriage is going to fail then even more important she’s earning better. It may be something that’s not quite as enjoyable as her current work but sometimes you need to think longer term

"He needs his mum to put him first right now."

Because his dad certainly wont.

*"You probably pay other women shit wages to clean your house and look after your kids"

Awww dont be so rough on choli Im sure she will be fine with them quitting for a better paid job once THEIR DHs have voiced their displeasure because im sure she isnt a hypocrite hmm*
Of course I would be fine with a cleaner quitting (I don't need a child minder). I would never expect anyone to put my family before their family.

But why allow the truth to get in the way of a good AIBU bunfight??

Quite.

I disagree. It’s not about vindicating a choice because why should we have to? Some of us see raising our children as a shared responsibility. .......
...... The overiding theme of this thread is that the OP is in a very unhappy relationship and is extremely vulnerable and is not doing anything to strengthen her position.

If that were the case posters should not be berating the OP for being in a vulnerable position. She is, undoubtedly. However there are no easy solutions when her child's mental health is in such a precarious position. Tbh her husband's mental health may not be great. It is not healthy to have such unrealistic expectations of life or be so self centred.

One of the best ways of negotiating her way through this is to look at her financial position, thoroughly. Demonstrate that they are not that badly off.

TBH with a combined income of £58K I think you must either waste money or are living a lifestyle way beyond your income.

Money, or the love of it - is truly vile I have distanced myself from both my siblings, parents and even close friends due to their never ending tirade on wealth, money and materialistic possessions. God to be so dull.
Yet, although we don't drive a posh car or have exotic all inclusive holidays, we are completely debt free, no mortgage, no loans, no CC .
I go to bed at night and sleep soundly. They say content of mind is priceless. It is!! Why line other people's pockets, work extra hours in a job you don't like just to try and create envy!!
I really don't get the obsession to have everything and worse declare to others less fortunate.

Incredibly shallow.

I'm not just talking about her DS's needs. It's exhausting having a child with serious issues. I doubt she's in a position to think about job hunting, i.e. CVs, interviews, adjusting to a new job,

Maybe accessing the jobs pages to see what's out there might be helpful, though. They're in a rural location, so it may not be as easy as it would be in a city?

There were useful suggestions about working from home, particularly tutoring, on this thread from the less aggressive posters.

How about if her dh was to decide to support her ds by quitting work and being a sahd? But she has to go back to teaching and support the family. Is that his choice? Just his choice alone to make? Do you see the problem yet?

I don’t think it’s about money at all. There are a lot of places in the country where you would really struggle on 58k. It’s about one party in a relationship making a choice for both of them.

It’s about one party in a relationship making a choice for both of them.

The husband wants to do just that. With no attempt to acknowledge her contributions to their family. If she simply submits to his demands that's what will be happening. He has already being controlling in their physical relationship.

Lol at him quitting work and being sahd with his aversion to housework.

And it was just him making choices re the sexual coercion He got his own way there to the point the OP had to have hospital visits So not only did his sexual gratification hurt the OP........it also cost the NHS.

This thread is going to fill up soon (thank god) but Hopefully the OP will take on board how vulnerable she is and take some steps to strengthen her position, whether she stays with her dh or not. I also think she didn’t help her cause with her thread title which focussed solely on money and her desire to work part time in a job she likes but which brings in very little money.

Why the assumption that they must be struggling on £58k? They've been married 20 years, their mortgage is probably miniscule and almost paid off.

Can be hard realising a stage of life has passed and what worked for one stage is no longer right - your set up sounds ideal for when children small. Not sure that you don't spend much yourself is relevant. Hope you find a way that works for your family op

And I don’t know why the sneers at the thought of a man quitting his job to run the home. He hasn’t said he wouldn’t do it - the OP hasn’t even had that discussion with him. The kids are out at school all day... he might jump at the chance!!

Quite. We earn 40 to 45k and live just outside London and manage fine

The issue isn't simply whether he'd want to be a SAHP. It's also whether someone who apparently isn't capable of remembering to put a bin out while leaving the house, mere moments after he's asked, is going to do absolutely anything at all. Someone that useless will probably strangle himself putting the washing out.

And let's be honest, the description of his leaving his dirty clothes all over the house, next to the washing basket etc doesn't present a picture of someone who thinks doing the housework is worthy of him. As I pointed out earlier, there's nothing currently preventing him from putting his washing in the basket. It uses up the same amount of energy as leaving it next to the basket.

So what I mean is, it's one thing to quit your job to run the house. It's another to actually do anything once you've quit!

"he might jump at the chance"

A lot of men would and do once the nappy changing and running around after toddlers phase is over.

I dont think the OPs DH would though.

Aggressive posters on this thread ...........why did you marry him if you knew he didnt pull his weight in the home.

Also aggressive posters on this thread.....And I don’t know why the sneers at the thought of a man quitting his job to run the home. He hasn’t said he wouldn’t do it - the OP hasn’t even had that discussion with him

... to apply the same logic as Minge, you could berate the OP and say she’ll be useless at getting a decent job, she hasn’t worked full time for years and can’t earn a decent salary. She did a degree and got a teaching qualification yet can’t hack a professional job.

Or you could say- you know what, people can change and step up to new situations. Domestic work is hardly rocket science... I’ve no doubt the dh could do it. If he expects her to work full time and still do all the domestic stuff then he’s an arse wipe and she needs to get rid (but still needs to earn more in that situation!)

But give him a chance. You never know.

You probably pay other women shit wages to clean your house and look after your kids.

Quite. It's frankly bizarre that so many women in this thread claim that £58k is not enough money for a family of 4 to survive, so they and their partners go out to work FT and "outsource" their cleaning and childcare. How on earth do they think their child carers and cleaners survive?

If both partners need to work FT to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads, then they do it. A household on 58k where one partner just wants more money for cars and holidays has the option to choose. It's fine for the DH to wish he had a more extravagant lifestyle. It's also fine for the OP to be happy with what sounds like an already comfortable lifestyle.

This poor boy's MH issues can't be helped by the miserable atmosphere at home.

I also felt as the son did at that age because the dynamics at home were similar. I didn't see the point of continuing life if being an adult was that utterly shit. Working my ass off for absolutely nothing.

It didn't matter that my overbearing mum was around to do baking and shit. I needed my Dad to also be happy and for both parents to be role models of how to have a happy successful life, whatever guise that came in.