Ex wants to take child home for Christmas!

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AIBU to say no?
Child is 10, we live on the other side of the world. Separated when child was weeks old. Generally have pretty amicable relationship, so no court order in place. This year he wants to take child who will be 11 at time of travel home to the uk for Christmas with his now wife for 3/4 weeks. He's asked to take him back 3 times previously and I've always said no. It's too far, it's a special time of year or they are too young. They will spend time mostly holidaying with her family as doesn't have strong bond with his. (But they will see them at some point) Child identifies with her parents as grandparents etc, when they visit. I'm not sure what's best, child wants to go to the UK (first time) but would prefer not to go at Christmas as they've never been away from me on the day itself. No option for holiday at other time this year due to both their work commitments. What should I do?

Seriously and gently here, it is really not fair to say to your child that it will break your heart for them to go on holiday to the UK. You can say ‘i’ll miss you but you’ll have an amazing time’, you really shouldn’t let your child be responsible for your feelings.

At the end of the day, this is a few week holiday. Your child is not emigrating or moving to he UK, yes you will be lonely (although that is partly due to your recent split not your child) but it should not ‘break your heart’.

Op you sound very manipulative where you child is concerned.
take a trip to the stately homes thread in relationships for a glimpse into your child’s future if you continue to emotionally mantipluate your child in this way.

Telling them it will break your heart is a really bad idea. In the long run your child will resent you for being emotionally manipulative.

That is a truly horrible thing to say to your child. They are not responsible for your happiness.

That, however, probably means nothing to you. So, do as a previous poster suggested, and wrap your head around the idea that this kind of emotional blackmail will ultimately result in you losing your relationship with DC when they are old to work out what you have done. You know, play the long game. That way you might win. Seeing as how that is what appears to matter to you.

I agree with PPs that it would be so unfair to tell him that it would break your heart. That really is laying on the guilt, very selfish.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go

So, as suspected by most then? Shit parenting.

But I'll leave the decision to them

You know the outcome. You've made it impossible, purposely and for your sole benefit. Child CANNOT win and the person they are supposed to count on and rely upon is the one setting them up to fail.
Beyond disgusting OP.

Kid isn't going, probably never was as confirmed by your update. What a piece of work you are OP

You aren't really going to say that to your child are you? Because that would be horrible! I know I broke my mum's heart when I emigrated, but she wouldn't have said that to me in a million years, and I was well and truly a grown up! Its time to put your brave face on and wish your child off with joy that they are going to have an absolutely wonderful adventure. Come on, you can do this!

Unfortunately it has been me and my child very much against the world and they are very protective of me. So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go. But I'll leave the decision to them.

You need some parenting classes, counseling and to make decisions based on your child's future happiness and wellbeing. You have an extremely unhealthy attitude. You, and particularly your child, will pay for this later if you don't fix this.

Im guessing you're down under, I've had the same issue only my dd is only 22 months. Had to get a court order to block the 3 week holiday.

It's a really tough one as you prob want to do what's best for your child but it's such a long time and such a big distance away and ESPECIALLY at Christmas time.

I think you should consider booking a flight home (with flight centre you can pay flights off weekly) it will give you a chance to catch up with family and friends at home and ye could split time with your child then while ye are both at home?

That was everyone is getting a holiday, your child gets quality time with both parents and extended family.

The "me and my child against the world" mentality doesn't tend to age well OP. It usually ends up with a child feeling guilty and obligated to provide support beyond their emotional maturity.

I know it will be difficult to spend Christmas alone but as the parent you really need to let your child experience a Christmas with his father. I'm Australian with Australian parents, and even I wished and wished for a Christmas abroad.

Please don't tell your child it will "break your heart". That's so incredibly unfair.

Oh Lordy, the me and you against the world thing. That was me and my mum. I remember the day after we left my dad, her opening the curtains and saying that to me. Thankfully my mum didn't lay any deliberate guilt trips on me but that really stuck with me, and when I was in therapy many years later my shrink pointed out that its a very heavy thing to say to a child. So you may want to re-think that.

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go

That is spectacularly emotionally manipulative and fucking nasty.

If you want your kid to take a one way flight in future, when the choice actually is theirs, you’re going the right way about it.

Anyone prepared to emotionally harm their child for their own selfish reasons isn’t fit to be a parent, shame on you OP.

Sorry- but read your comment. Pretend it's written by someone else- do you see how manipulative that is? You are putting all the guilt on the child, that they will break your heart, that Christmas will be miserable. Your ex has 50/50 custody. You e obviously had your own way every other year. Your child doesn't want to go because you have and make them feel that way. Seriously. Wake up before your child realises the manipulation and chooses to pull away.

What a horrible thing to say to your child.
I’m surprised your ex still has so much patience, if this is how you behave.

Australia is the land of the volunteers. Get out and do something useful. Certain organisations will even let you volunteer on Christmas Day. Or you could get a very well paid casual job and pick up some extra hours while DC is away to sort out your finance problem.

"It will your break your heart" - seriously get s grip!!!! Are you going to pull the same stunt when he has a partner which cold only be 5/6/7 years away...

I can't believe you think it's ok to subject your DS to that kind of emotional blackmail.

Read your update, NOW you’re being wholly Unreasonable

My ds needs protecting from his abusive and manipulative father, abuse and manipulation is directed at me, not ds, but I wouldn’t let ex have ds because he wouldn’t be cared for

You don’t have that problem, you’re just feeling sorry for yourself and limiting what your son does because of it

You’re utterly unrealistic to expect everything to stay the same as last year

Your Christmas is what you make of it, you have friends and there IS stuff to do, so see what you CAN do rather than worry about what you can’t.

Let your son go to England

He might not want to go next time, because he’s done it this year, but right now you know he wants to go, so put his feelings ahead of your self pity and be his mum

If you try to hold him back, one day he’ll twig and he’ll go. Perhaps to the uk for years.

If you give him freedom now, maybe his curiosity would be satisfied and he’ll be back with you knowing that Christmas is with mum

So I'll be honest with DC and tell them it will break my heart to watch them go

That's disgusting, nasty, emotional blackmail and should never EVER be laid at a child's feet (or an adult's for that matter).

I thought you were unreasonable right from the OP, and that last update really confirmed it.

For posters saying to let the DC go for two weeks - just no. That'd be a complete and utter waste of time and money. Three weeks at absolute minimum, but four is better, and if that's what the dad wants to do, then he should do that.

If my parent/s had denied me a potential trip to the other side of the world at that age I'd resent them for a very long time forever.

It sounds like you rely way too much upon your child!

The only way to discuss it with them is highlighting what a fasnstic experience it will be for them, talk of all the amazing experiences they will have. Buy them a fantastic video camera or something as an early Christmas present so they can record it all to show you when back!

You can’t let them get even a hint of how sad you will be

Please sure it doesn't come across as emotional blackmail when you tell them you would miss them!

I think you should go too. Find the money somehow and travel with them or separately but just be in the UK at the same time so you can catch up during the break, and also have a special holiday for yourself which it sounds like you need!

Logistically and financially Christmas makes sense but I suspect your son may already have the vibe that you don’t want him going and maybe his fears are more about not upsetting you then going over Christmas during the Christmas period.

You have the makings of an healthy dynamic that will become more problematic for your son and the co parenting relationship you have with your Ex, if you don’t keep your more selfish impulses in check.

You can not change what you don’t acknowledge, but I think you know where you should start.

He's a good Dad, Co parents, his wife is great and he considers her parents grandparents.

So it isn't you and your kid alone against the cold harsh world is it. Your child has a wider family and has a right to know them.

You are newly single and feeling undestandably crap. But don't be that parent. When he wants to go away to travel or uni is he to stay home because mummy is lonely? What islf he gets married? Is he expected to come back to you every big holiday because mummy is lonely?

It's utterly unfair to expect your child to make you happy

OMG OP

You cannot say that to your child!!!! What are you thinking?

Do you think taking a step back and looking at your behaviour towards your DS might be a good idea? You do be terribly manipulative and are putting a massive burden on your DS!

Do you think some sort of talking therapy may get be good for you? It’s too much to make your DC carry the burden of your feeling abandoned, alone and like he has to do and say what pleases you as ‘it’s us against the world’ literally unsaid but implied that it’s their job to keep you happy and you if they don’t they are failing in their relationship with you.
It’s not making your DC feel secure, it’s making him feel that your love, care and relationship are conditional!

Don't guilt trip your child. It will bite you on the arse when you're old and grey.

I had this but in reverse (I live in U.K.)
My son has been 5 times and 3 were over Christmas and New Year.
It broke my heart and he now knows this but he is 20 now and we can discuss it rationally.
At the time he was told “of course, I shall miss you dreadfully, but you shall have an incredible time and we shall have another Christmas Day when you are back” and we did, all the family.
I took him to the airport and waved him off (I was sobbing) but I made it clear it was the right thing for him and he should go and have a blast. FaceTime and Skype makes it so easy now.
It absolutely broke my heart, I can admit that but it should not be about me. It is about my son and his happiness. I want him to have a good relationship with his father, this means he is has a better chance of being a well balanced adult. I also want him to know how to be a good parent!